Very Frustrated with Myself

Old 04-21-2008, 11:40 AM
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Thumbs down Very Frustrated with Myself

Hi everyone!

I haven't posted my own thread in a while but i need to today! Lately as a whole I've been for the most part "ok" but not so sure as of the immediate now. I think i have alot of mind wandering and "perfect couple" thoughts as it approaches my exabf having a child and just getting married a few weeks ago. Almost that feeling of that should be my life right now, not with him.

As you know we live right in the area of each other and yesterday my softball team was practicing in the park. We were having a blast and J drives by the field and it IMMEDIATELY puts me in a funk. I get really quiet, depressed and so down. I know it's him just driving by and who cares (because that's what everyone says to me) but it really bothers me lately. I wish i could put him in a bubble and blow him away or at least to the next town over!!

The only way i can explain it is it's like I'm approaching a bend in the road, just about to go around the corner and BAM i stop and get stuck there for a while. For the most part i have perfect days, weeks and so on but my anxiety level last week was so high and it's making me nuts. For the first time in a longggg time i cried talking to my mum about how I've been feeling and she asks the question, like everyone else "how could you possible still have feelings for someone who treated you so badly and is so screwed up themselves". I know what she means and to be honest i thought that if nothing else, Match would kinda steer my thoughts elsewhere. And they have for a little bit but then for some reason it goes back in the downward direction again.

I was wondering what you guys do/think when your thoughts turn toward the X. How do you turn those thoughts off that they are having this little "perfect life" and their world is all roses and candy, which i know it's probably not but I've built up such a wonderful fantasy life for them and hardly think otherwise. It's like i need that constant reminder to slap me back to reality!

I just needed to get this out! Thanks friends!
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Old 04-21-2008, 12:04 PM
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This came to mind as I read your post. The following is from 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact by Melody Beattie concerning goodwill. Maybe it will strike a chord with you.

"What comes around goes around" is a phrase most of us have heard. Instead of waiting until other people get the pain and suffering we believe they deserve, how about generating goodwill so that it can come around to us?

Inventory Focus: What's the thing you're most jealous or envious of in others? What do you find yourself judging most? What's your sore spot, the place you feel you got cheated out of something important in your life? Sometime I wonder why other people get to have their children and I don't have my son, Shane. Maybe what you really want is to fill the empty spot and the hole in your own life.
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Old 04-21-2008, 12:10 PM
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Your right. I knew going into this thread that i'm beating a skeleton of a dead horse lol!!! Uggghhh like i said, it's me, all me! I know what you mean about sending out good thoughts and i 99.9% of the time am a genuinely caring and loving person and not caring about him in the slightest but i think that .1% has his name on it recently!!!

It's just because i haven't felt totally comfortable in my situation and just trying to get there with or without someone else by my side. Thanks Anvil for keeping me in check, i appreciate it more than you know.

:ghug3
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Old 04-21-2008, 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
This came to mind as I read your post. The following is from 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact by Melody Beattie concerning goodwill. Maybe it will strike a chord with you.
Barb, is that another one of her books? Seems VERY interesting and one i would love to read. Is that the name of it? And yes, you couldn't be more right by sending me that exerpt, that's it, he has what i've always wanted since i can remember and i would have SETTLED with him to have a marriage and a child, right or wrong as it may have been. I remind myself that it's not under the circumstances i would ever want and deserve much more.
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Old 04-21-2008, 12:20 PM
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That is the full title. I have found it wonderfully helpful.
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Old 04-21-2008, 12:27 PM
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Hi Hbb,

I'm so sorry for your pain, and I understand how you are feeling. It is such a defeating feeling when you are feeling great and suddenly BAM! you are stuck in a rut. This is normal, and you will pull out of it. It's the process of grieving; everyone grieves over something that has ended--regardless of whether the situation was good or bad--it can be a loss of a dream, a realization that things didn't turn out how you expected--and these feelings take time to process. So let yourself feel sad, cry, or rant. Then pick up and move forward. It is hard...but it will get better. Hugs to you...
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Old 04-21-2008, 03:42 PM
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Hi Hbb,
funny, just this morning I was wondering how you were doing.

I really can't add anything to your post other than glad to see your active on the board again! Well, not glad that your hit a rut but glad to you're posting once again.

Good luch with softball this season.
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Old 04-21-2008, 04:17 PM
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You know, that would be tough on me too. After a breakup, I don't want to be seeing and running into that person all the time. Makes it harder to detach and get distance where you can breathe free and let it be past and over. I know you want to start fresh and then this is in your face.
I ultimately moved far away and had no contact for two years.
Take care of you first, okay?
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Old 04-21-2008, 06:36 PM
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(((hbb))) Sorry you are having a rough day. You're doing so well. I know you will get past this.
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Old 04-22-2008, 07:25 AM
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Hi Heather- How are you doing today? I know if it were me I'd feel the way you do when you see him. I get anxious when I know I have to see AH. I'm sure it will be that way for a while and then will be nothing. Just give yourself a break- keep working on yourself, and I bet one day seeing him will be nothing to you. I think the others who talked about his so-called perfect life are right. He's not a great guy- he has huge issues he didn't want to deal with. Having a wife and kid are not going to make them go away- they'll probably make them worse. No one has the perfect life. You take care of you, and one day you will be making babies with the one who is really meant for you- someone as healthy as you will be. (((Take care!)))
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Old 04-22-2008, 07:31 AM
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Thank you...and i know your all right. I'm just really hard on myself and lately have been feeling very unattractive and heavier than I've felt in a while because i can't stay off the damn scale! I think that has alot to do with it. I struggle every day with my weight and it's on my mind all the time so once i get on that crappy pattern, that's when i get depressed about everything else around me

I think it also has alot to do with this new guy. He calls me everyday and we talk for a while BUT every conversation is what he has done, is doing, where he's going, how work went for him and so on! Not sure how to taper off as I'm not interested in someone that doesn't make a plan to get together more than twice since before Easter and is so consumed by himself. Yesterday he went on to tell me how he's moving in with his friend Beth, which i could care less but if your on a dating site isn't that what we should be doing especially if he calls daily?? It's like i have a phone a friend lol! My friend said to "put in in the friend folder and file him away"!!

Ok, i know I'm ranting, I'm frustrated in general and that's when i turn to thinking about the X. Like there wasn't enough drama or chaos there lol! Good grief, I'm going to put MYSELF in a bubble and blow me away!!!!! Your exactly right Paj, just because they went down that road doesn't mean life is grand.
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Old 04-22-2008, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by hbb View Post
I think it also has alot to do with this new guy. He calls me everyday and we talk for a while BUT every conversation is what he has done, is doing, where he's going, how work went for him and so on! Not sure how to taper off as I'm not interested in someone that doesn't make a plan to get together more than twice since before Easter and is so consumed by himself. Yesterday he went on to tell me how he's moving in with his friend Beth, which i could care less but if your on a dating site isn't that what we should be doing especially if he calls daily?? It's like i have a phone a friend lol! My friend said to "put in in the friend folder and file him away"!!
Where's the red flag icon? DTMFA. . . as totally offensive Dan Savage would say. Maybe he's a nice guy. . . but is he worth your time and energy?

BTW- I've seen your photo when you used it for an avatar- and I have to say you are beautiful. I hope you'll keep working on yourself- I know how it is- believe me- I feel old and blah a lot, but I am tired- and sad- that has an affect on the way I look and carry myself. I'm working on things with my therapist and will continue to until my smiley-self comes back out to enjoy life to the fullest. (((Hang in there Heather!))) Your beautiful personality comes through in your posts. . .
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Old 04-22-2008, 08:07 AM
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Heather,
You know this was not meant to be, deep in your heart its a dead deal.
allow your self this little blip in your radar, go around the bend, over the hill,
and thru the woods. foregive your self, and move on. you simply have a soft spot in your heart, and that is a good thing. Give your radar a pump, kick,or jolt. and keep goin.

your bud
Gary
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Old 04-22-2008, 11:23 AM
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My problem is that i'm too nice when it comes to others and i end up being a big push over. If i've learned nothing else, it's that i'm no longer going to go down the same road as the past relationship.

I know this new guy is not for me but not sure how to let him know that without just ignoring his calls. My brother and i were talking about it last night and he thinks it's extremely odd that he would say hi then go on and on for a while talking about his stuff lol!!

Thank you Paj for the nice compliment, that was sweet. It's my damn body image thing that gets in my head all the time! And thanks Gary, i really appreaciate your words of wisdom
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Old 04-22-2008, 01:02 PM
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Heather: I'm not sure if you see any other signs, but every alcoholic in my life is/was like this.

My father will ask 100 times the same exact question I've answered before at the start of every conversation, then do nothing but talk about himself for as long as the rest of the phone call lasts.

My xabf would call, say hi, then launch into how is day was and anything else relevant to him. To this day, I'm not even sure he knows the name of the firm I was working at and we were together the entire time I've worked here.

Just a thought...
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Old 04-22-2008, 01:10 PM
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Both my father (alcoholic) and ex-husband (alcoholic) would do the same thing. They say hi, how are you, then proceed to talk as long as I would let them about themselves.....
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Old 04-22-2008, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by NYC_Chick View Post
Heather: I'm not sure if you see any other signs, but every alcoholic in my life is/was like this.

My father will ask 100 times the same exact question I've answered before at the start of every conversation, then do nothing but talk about himself for as long as the rest of the phone call lasts.

My xabf would call, say hi, then launch into how is day was and anything else relevant to him. To this day, I'm not even sure he knows the name of the firm I was working at and we were together the entire time I've worked here.

Just a thought...
Holy yes! I remember once, when my ex was on an "it's all about you" rant, I asked him to tell me what my thesis (completed a few months earlier) was about.

He had no idea.

(And trust me, this was something I mentioned A LOT as it was pretty stressful)
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Old 04-22-2008, 01:24 PM
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Yup, sounds familiar! This new guy isn't an A but as for my exA, i'm sure he doesn't even so much as know my college degree. He knows not much at all but i knew EVERYTHING of him inside and out!

This new guy should maybe wonder why every person he has dated in the past year ends up as a "friend". Probably because he learns NOTHING about them and they are probably the ones that move on from him lol!!!
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Old 04-22-2008, 01:47 PM
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HI Heather, long time no hear, plenty more fish in the sea. Dont be too hard on yourself about feeling down every now and then when you see or think of J. I tend to think of my xab when im in a miserable mood i think i do it to avoid facing my own issues, hey old habits die hard for me sometimes but im working on them.

Take care sweetie you'll be fine

Mair xx
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Old 04-22-2008, 08:46 PM
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Hey Heather,
Just remember this is the very first guy you met since your ex (I think thats what I read in one of your posts). I takes a lot of time to find even someone you'd like to spend a little time with, let alone a new partner or boyfriend.

Be gentle on yourself and have fun! I wish I was further along and where you are at right now.

I think you've made a lot of progress!! When you're least expecting it that one special guy will come along!!
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