sarahlm

My AH relapsed on Thursday. He stopped drinking on Sunday and(thanks to ur suggestions) I asked him what he was going to do, what his "plan of action" was? He is going to the doctor today to talk about going on medication for his anxiety. Thats a good idea (and something Ive suggested for years). But heres my problem: so far its been two days and still no AA meeting and no call to anyone in the program. I have mentioned it twice, although Im sure thats twice too many, but at this point I just feel like he is destined to relapse again if he doesnt do it differently.

I guess I need to take the focus off of him and look at myself, but its so hard to watch someone set themselves up for a fall....

He always calls me a "know it all" in jest. And he is right, of course, but the truth is, Im usually right, at least about this kind of stuff!!! How do I keep my mouth shut? And should I?

DESIGNER

just walk away.....I used to not do this and it only made my xabf more resistant to doing it. It is soooo frustrating though when they say they are going to do something(promise you) and then sit on the couch and watch tv or sleep all day...etc!!!!

All I can say is that I am happy that I don't have to deal with his endless broken promises.

prodigal

Actually, it's HIS problem. He's the one who is the alcoholic. He has the choice to address, or not address, his drinking problem.

Have you located Al-Anon meetings in your area? That would be a good place for you to start looking at your own problems. Al-Anon suggests to newcomers that they try six meetings before deciding if they think the program will work for them. Other people go the counseling route. As you have discovered by now, discussing an A's drinking problem with him only leads to frustration.

Anti-anxiety medication works quite well for people who suffer from anxiety attacks. I don't believe it does anything to stop one from drinking. My AH took anti-anxiety meds for awhile and just ended up abusing them by swallowing pills by the handful. An alkie abusing his meds ... it didn't surprise me. Oh, and he didn't take his pills with water ... he washed them down with wine - LOTS of wine.

One of the classic lines I heard from AH was: "I know I have a drinking problem." Okay. So what? Admitting to a problem, and doing nothing to address the problem left him with one thing. HIS problem. Often, the A will throw us a bone in order to keep drinking and keep us off their backs.

sarahlm

Ha ha, yeah thats for sure!

I would walk away, if I could. we have been separated for 2 yrs. I still love him and have tried to walk away over and over. I dont seem to be capable. If nothing else, I want to stay friends, and would like for him to not die of alcoholism.

Hes already been to jails and institutions, the only thing left is death, and the way he drinks, its an absolute possibility.

i4getsm

I think the question to ask yourself is why do you stay involved? He's relapsing, he's drinking, and YOU are left trying to help him and worry about him. Believe me, I am in the exact same boat. My AH says he has an alcohol problem but doesn't do anything about it. He's convinced himself that he's unhappy in our marriage and needs to leave. I'm left wondering what have I done? Which is bad thinking because this is not something you (or I) did or something that we can fix for them. He either wants to quit or he doesn't. There is a HUGE line between saying you'll do something and actually doing it. I know you don't want to see him go down this path but if two years of trying to help him has changed nothing, why do you stay involved? Trust me, I am asking myself the exact same things right now. I'm trying to meet with my lawyer this week to get separated officially. I want my AH around if for no other reason than for my children to have a father, but I'm very slowly learning that trying to help (reminding him to go to AA, etc.) just isn't doing it.

It is so hard to watch someone you love go through this and be powerless to help them.

Barbara52

I wouldn't say anything further. Its his problem and only he can take action. Nagging is a form of enabling.

Perhaps you might want to consider individual therapy to explore just why it is you still love this man, why you are unable to love yourself the way you deserve?

sarahlm

Well, he had two years sober until last thursday, so I guess I want to believe (maybe naively) that he can do it again. I dont know what the future will bring and I have to stay out of it, but its pretty heartbreaking to see someone relapse after that much time sober.

FormerDoormat

You've seen for yourself what kind of results that kind of thinking brought about in your AH: NOTHING. You know your husband is capable of stopping; he just doesn't want to. Same goes for you. You're capable of moving on; you just don't want to.

Now, this you can do. But take it from me, it's no easier watching a friend drink themself to death than it is a loved one.

I wanted the same thing for my alcoholic boyfriend (and we did remain friends until the end), yet he still drank himself to death.

sarahlm

The thought of him dying absolutely terrifies me. When I couldnt talk to him once for 3 months (he was locked up) I was so depressed. You are right though, I do deserve better than this and I dont know why I love someone so messed up. His life is so far away from mine in so many ways. Why do I love him, of all people? I wish I didnt. In fact, I wish I never met him.

So that being said, how does one go about falling out of love? Cause I really dont want to watch him die while I still love him like I do.

FormerDoormat

I wish I knew. I never stopped loving my boyfriend. But I ended the relationship just the same. I had to do what was best for me. Living in insanity is not healthy or life sustaining.

sarahlm

Oh my! You r really funny Anvilhead! Thanks.

FormerDoormat

Does that set include the Ginzu?

abcdefg

Anvil, you are on a ROLL!

:rof


like FD, i also never stopped loving my boyfriend. to stop loving him is not the objective for me.

living a life of recovery (aka happy, joyous and free) IS my objective.

for one thing: love is NOT fear or dependency. sometimes we have to begin at the beginning and learn the difference between love and neediness/co-dependency.

"love" is also not a license to take sh*t from someone in hopes that they will come to their senses and put that almighty love/me ahead of their addiction/selfishness/work or whatever. that's just my insanity trying to use "love" to control or manage someone else.

any relationship that i lose because i

(a) love myself more
(b) work my recovery
(c) walk with dignity and grace
(d) preserve and enhance my self-esteem and self-worth
(e) share my honest feelings
(f) decline to cover-up for someone else's disease
(g) all of the above

is definitely well worth losing. i'm not going to INVEST myself in relationships that threaten my sanity.

that doesn't mean i stop loving the person behind the disease. in fact, IMHO, it means that I LOVE THEM MORE DEEPLY than if i indulged myself in the crazy dance and drama associated with relationships based on fear rather than love. for me it goes something like this:

i love YOU enough to let you walk your own path, no matter how different it looks from the one i *think* you should walk, no matter how destructive it is.

i love us BOTH enough to get out of the way.

and i love MYSELF enough to turn over my will and my life to my higher power, which will guide me in every way, in every direction for my greatest good. (sometimes, certainly not always, that means guiding me away from you but i leave those distinctions up to the will of my HP.)

i can't live anyone's life but my own. every day i'm learning how to do that.

progress not perfection.

p.s. that list isn't where i got my screen name but i like the connection.