jerect

I was just starting to trust my AH again. For two and a half months he has been going to NA and AA meetings religiously and seems excited about them. He would be where he said he was and he seemed to be honest with me when I asked him questions. I still had my doubts but for the most part I was starting to feel better about his recovery.

Friday I got our cell phone bill. I combed the bill for calls to drug dealers, numbers I have memorized. There were no calls and I was starting to think.. OK, I can finally breath now. I decided to check the text messages because verizon will give you a list of numbers that were texted and recieved. Here is where my trust was shattered again. I saw two text messages where my husband texted his pill dealer. He texted him on two seperate occasions about two days apart. There was no indication that the drug dealer contacted him back and I'm hoping it's because about two months ago, when my AH was first getting cleaned. I texted his Drug Dealer and told him that I was AH's wife and I knew his name and number and I did not want to ever see his number on my phone bill again.

Needless to say I went ballistic. I asked my husband WHY? Why did he contact this dealer. He gave me some lame excuse that he was contacting him to tell him he was clean. I reminded him that he told me that he already did that and then he changed his story and said that he was embarrased by what I did ( when I threatend his drug dealer). He told me that I was F'd up for going though the phone bill in the first place. I told him that he brought this all on himself. I go through the phone bill because the phone bill does not lie.

I have searched everywhere I know to search and I have not found any pills. Though I haven't found any pot either and I know he smokes it like a chiminey because I smell it on him daily. So that just means that I'm not looking hard enough.

I just don't get it.. He goes to NA meetings and AA meetings at least 4 days a week and I know he is going because he brings home pamplets and books he has gotten there. So why the Heck does he feel like he has to contact his drug dealer? Why does he feel like smoking pot is ok? He doesn't seem to get that he is not sober if he still smokes pot. He had an interview last week for a really good job, you would think he would make the effort not to smoke the stuff so that he could pass the drug test. But it does not seem to phase him. I'm so tired of the lies. I'm so tired of the irresponsiblitly.Will it ever end, or does it only end when I leave him?

liesagain

jerect

It ends when he WANTS it to end and puts in the work to make himself better
going to meeting isnt enough the addict has to have the desire to stay clean....period

You can search all you want and you can call each and every dealer out there but if he wants to use........he will find a way like it or not

the only thing you can conrol is you.
what good does it do for you to look thru the phone bill? you saw the numbers there, you've seen the pot..................so whats different?

Will he not use the pill dealer cuz you saw the number or not smoke the pot..........?

unless YOU are going to make some kind of change for YOU when you see this information...............really all your doing is making yourself upset and giving him a reason to blame you and go use......( not that he needs one because when theres no real reason they can/will and often do just make up reasons to be angry with you to justify their using)

not searching, snooping and checking records is all a part of the letiing go everyone here talks so much about...............its difficult to do but what helps me now............is asking myself what will I do if I find the proof? and unless theres a solution a change I know I'm willing to make I decide not to keep looking for the clues............

Jewelz

(((Jerect))) First off I want to say I understand how you are feeling and have done the same in the past. But you cant control your husband and stop him from doing what he wants to do even if you look through his stuff.

What I learned about myself was even if I didnt find anything I would continue to look until something came up. It would make me sick all the obsessing aned validating I felt I needed to do. At some point you need to take the focus off of his recovery and put it on your own recovery, and your self well being. I dont know if you read this book or not but there is a great book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie a must have for us who love our addicts.

I wish this could be easier but I understand its hard.

hugs,
Jewel

jerect

And see, the thing is, I know this, In my heart and in my mind I know that I can't contol him and that the change starts within myself. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes because I will do so good about not snooping or controling him then I just slip and I'm right back where I started.

I know that he is going to use if he wants too. I guess I just over think things. I want him so bad to understand that his lies and drug use is killing our marriage but he doesn't seem to care. In a way I think he cares I just think that the addict part of him doesn't allow him to see the way things really are.

jerect

I know the book very well, I'm surprised that my picture is not in there some place lol, cause that book describes me to a T. And I want to thank you for bringing that book up again because apparently after this last episode I need to go back and reread it.

sailorjohn

You have to accept that the addict part of him may be all that's there now, and forever. Had a flash about that 'checking up' thing recently, one purpose that it served was that it took the focus off my pain, if only for a moment.

cen616

The phone bill has been a constant battle for me since my A relapsed. Because he asked me to delete the dealer's number from his phone (and all sent/received calls) after his first use, and I've got a near photographic memory, that number's burned into my brain. I fight a constant urge to check up on him through the phone records.

The phone bill's what got him caught on uses 2 & 3 (there've been 4 total in this relapse, so far). The first time because I was checking on his 12-year-old's usage (we have to monitor her because she tends to go over minutes, texts, etc.) and saw the dealer's number all over the prior day's activity. The second time was because he couldn't remember the number right and tried to log in to our account to look at the phone records. He also couldn't remember the password right, and I got an e-mail from AT&T saying somebody was trying to access my account and it had been locked due to incorrect password attempts. When I went to unlock it, I saw where he'd been trying to dial the number over and over and missing by a digit...until he got "lucky" and got through.

Both times I got the answer from the phone records, though, it was just because it happened. I didn't go looking. After that, though, I did spend a day or two logging in every 30 minutes...Did he call the dealer? Did the dealer call him? Then, I realized how insane that was...I can get the info...But, what good will that do???

If he's going to use, he's going to use. If I'm monitoring him all I'm really doing is attempting to validate my trust or lack thereof. It won't change anything for him, or me, and will just make me nuts.

Contacting the dealer won't help, either. (It did cross my mind VERY briefly.) The dealers don't care if they are destroying a person--a family--children's lives. They are trying to make a buck in the most despicable way possible. After my A's first use, I was sitting right next to him when the dealer called at 8am the next morning. My A said, "NO!! I'm done. I'm finished. Not interested.", hung up and had me delete the received call, again. But, that didn't stop the guy from checking back later that afternoon or accepting the next call my A made to him.

I feel for you...I really do...I try very hard to keep the three C's in the forefront of my mind at all times...

jerect

I think in the bigger picture all the effort I'm putting into this is working against me. I'm really trying to look deep deep inside myself and figure out how I can overcome this. I'm addicted to my husbands addiction and I have let it consume my life. I don't want to live like this anymore. I have lost sight of myself and the only person I have to blame for that is me. The truth is I don't even know where to start the process of changing me and my attitude about things. I do go to Alanon and I'm working the steps but that is a slow process for me. At first I thought I would just zip through those steps and then everything would be all better. I'm learning that it doesn't work that way. I keep finding myself right back at step one..

Sometimes I do think that AH and I want different things and different lifestyles. We have only been married a year and we only new each other 6 months before we got married. I guess it was a train wreck waiting to happen. Of course at the time I had no Idea he was an addict. I knew he had been in treatment before and he said he was clean. I had never been around anyone with a drug problem before so I just took his word for it. The thing is, I really love this man, I just don't approve of his lifestyle. His family knows about his relaps and his mom and I are quite close but I'm very guarded with what I tell her because blood is thicker then water. Besides I don't want to remind her on a constant basis that her son is a screw up, she is already very much aware of who and what he is. As for my family, they have no idea about my AH's drug problems. Part of me does not want them to see my AH in that way and the other part is deeply embarrassed that I have gotten myself involved with someone like this. I hate myself for being embarrased by his lifestyle.

ZombieWife

I had en episode with my husband where I found a sealed packet of dope in his jacket pocket. It was obvious he hadn't used any. I confronted him and he said that he had found it while cleaning one of the storage units and for some reason, didn't throw it away. He was so ashamed and embarrassed and immediately opened it and tossed it down the toilet. He said he'd had it in his pocket for 2 days, just sitting there. He said he couldn't explain why, but that it was like he found a treasure and couldn't let it go.

I knew he hadn't used. It is VERY obvious when he does--he acts differently and then would have slept for days and days.

Perhaps this is one of those "I'm really thinking about relapsing and using again" moments for him. Are there sure signs that he's used? (besides pot that is.) Does he act different on these pills? Maybe he was just sticking his toe in the water, so to say, which is what I think MANY addicts do. My AH says that he will often think, "I've kicked this, I'm doing so well in life, I can handle it now, despite what anyone else says."

I'm not trying to give you false hope. He's acting very much like the addict--blaming you for looking at the phone bills, etc. What frustrates me is that I never asked to be this way--to be suspicious and to be full of fear and worry. Neither did you. You didn't ask to have to do this, to treat him like a child sometimes, to check up on him. I know it's our choice and in our POWER to let things go, to detach with love, to let them fall, but it's also our DUTY to protect ourselves and our families and keep our home safe and clean. It's such a weird, thin line, isn't it?

Anyway, hang in there. Good thoughts coming your way.

cen616

I know it's our choice and in our POWER to let things go, to detach with love, to let them fall, but it's also our DUTY to protect ourselves and our families and keep our home safe and clean. It's such a weird, thin line, isn't it?

The wierdest and thinnest!!

jerect

The first time I caught my AH using, I did a little snooping but not much, things just showed up if you know what I mean. Empty pill bottles that had no lable on them, I was using his phone and came across a text message, things like that. I did find the pills by snooping but it was the little things that showed up that led me to snoop to validate my suspicions.

I keep telling myself not to snoop, that if he is going to use he is going to find a way and sooner or later my HP will let the things appear in my life like he did last time to let me see what is going on.

I think I control out of fear, fear of what I'm not sure. Fear that I'm going to get screwed financially.. ( though I have already taken the steps to protect myself in that area), fear that I'm just going to lose control over the situation which is the problem to begain with.. It's like a vicious cycle.

BayAreaPhoenix

(((Jerect)))

I agree with everything that's been said above, and I need to hear all this too.

The obsessing, searching, etc. We've all been there. It's crazy making stuff. For a while I think it helps to "validate" what we think when we first learn that there is an elephant in the house. At least it did for me. But, bottom line, when I continued with obsessing and searching I wasn't trusting myself, my own instincts, my own thoughts, my reality, what I knew. For so long I had been living with someone who had answers and excuses for everything, even if it meant changing reality - and most often it did. I would stop and try to see his reality (his point of view or perspective), rather than just saying - no, I know what I know and you can't convince me otherwise. Crazy Making.

This weekend a friend of mine was telling me why he and his wife divorced. He had lost trust. He heard her one night on the phone, and what he heard he knew meant an affair. When he confronted her two days later, she said he misunderstood, she was talking to someone else, etc. He held firm, nothing she said could convince him that he did not hear what he heard. He had NO DOUBT about his knowledge. Never waivered. Now, if that was me - the first time anyway, I can almost guarantee that I would have been left feeling like, maybe I had misunderstood or whatever spin my AH would try to put on something like that. My goal is to get to where my friend is. Trusting myself!

I wish you trust in yourself too!

Take care of you!

MeggieStar

Please don't be too hard on yourself. I have been going round and round with my exah's addiction for five years and he just recently left me. I was STILL obsessing and AM till obsessing about his activities and we are going through a divorce!! It does take ALOT to change your way of thinking and your way of being comfortable on "high alert." I didn't realize until my exAH moved out that I WAS actually comfortable living that way, I was accustomed to taking my purse to bed with me and hiding my wallet and checking every morning after he left for work to see if he stole anything....and when I didn't have to do those things anymore, it made me sick. I felt terrified to let that go.

I too married my husband pretty much right after we met, and then we had our son seven months later. I have always wanted to believe that I was supposed to be with him, and he with me. Even tho I still believe that, I am facing the cold hard reality of "I can't change him." No matter how much I love him, he still left, he still did drugs, he still brought that chaos into our family home. It really sucks, and you are right, it sucks to be ashamed of your own husband and ultimately, of yourself too.

In time, I hope your feelings ease. I hope mine do too. All we can do is take baby steps to change and hope they will be enough in the end. We cannot see where we are going, but we can feel the ground under each step.

Hugs...

jerect

Exactly, I think part of my control issues with him is the fact that I feel like I need to protect myself from his abuse. I'm well aware that his drug abuse could bring me down in so many ways. All I need is for the cops to raid my home and find dope, I will get fired from my job because my job is very political. All I need is for him to raid our bank account and then how do I pay the bills? As it is, he does not seem to worry about paying bills. I pay all of them, on time. He spends money like there is no tomorrow and dosn't understand why I insist on building up our savings account for emergencys.

I have opened up a secret checking account where I have been stashing 50.00 a week in. I chose a checking account over a savings account because I figured I could get to the money eaiser if I had to. At first I felt guilty about it, because I was keeping something from him but then I figured, hey this is 50.00 he wont be spending on drugs and I'm doing this to take care of me.

The other part of me just wants let him do what he is going to do and know that eventually he will eaither change because he wants to or hit rock bottom.

ZombieWife

I am going to post a link to another board/post.

CLICK ME

A few points within that I will repost here that have helped me immensely:

Abundance

Jerect........... how are you doing?

I was searching around and found this and I'm so glad I did.........

ZW........ what you wrote out I am going to use for myself when my ABF comes home!


1. Be available
2. Listen
3. Applaud & Encourage
4. Listen
5. Bite your tongue!
6. Listen
7. Be patient
8. LISTEN!

Do Not...
1. Show negative emotion
2. Show anger
3. Confront
4. Give in to a fight!
5. Take it personally

Remember...
He is in HELL
It could be you
Denial is a product of shame
Find your own peace
YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS!!

jerect

I'm so glad that this post popped up again after several months. I needed to reread this
1. Be available
2. Listen
3. Applaud & Encourage
4. Listen
5. Bite your tongue!
6. Listen
7. Be patient
8. LISTEN!

Do Not...
1. Show negative emotion
2. Show anger
3. Confront
4. Give in to a fight!
5. Take it personally

Remember...
He is in HELL
It could be you
Denial is a product of shame
Find your own peace
YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS!!

My husband and I are in the process of moving and I haven't been able to post here or read these forums very often and I have missed a few alanon meetings as well. Boy does it show. Nancy Drew has reared her ugly head again in the past few weeks. There has been some suspicous behavior and a lot of phone calls and texts to one number in particular. I fear that not only is my AH using again but that he is involved with someone else. He texts this particular number all hours of the day and night and the phone calls range in length from 1 minute to 40 minutes several times a day. He says it's his friend that he works with, (he's a guy) but I don't buy it. Some of this could be my rotten friend called paranoia and some of this could be reality.

After a lot of arugments and a lot of soul searching I have come to a decision on what to do. I don't have postive proof of an affair or drug use and confronting my AH right now is only resulting in lies. I have decided to quit questioning and snooping. My guard is still up but I'm not going to let my AH know that. I figure that after awhile he will become complacent. It's hard to live a dishonest lifestyle, it takes a lot of effort to hide things and if he thinks that my guard is down he will become careless and things will show up that I need to know.

I have turned this over to my higher power and asked him to do his will in this situation, in my marriage and in my AH and myself's recovery. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I can let God be in charge but I feel a strange calmness about myself that I haven't felt in a long time.

ZombieWife

I think what gets me is that when we go into Nancy Drew mode (I like that term!) and we start to freak (God, I have my bad days too,) AND we catch them in something, they just lie and lie and lie. It's like we were born yesterday.

Oy!

/hugs to you Jerect. I would be tempted to call that number. I would go to a phone that is unknown (i.e. a payphone or a phone from a friend's house/cell, etc,) and call it to see what happens.

I dated a man (some years ago) and I used this tactic. I found an answering machine message on the other end with him and his (supposed) ex-wife and their CHILD saying, "hi, we're the ___ family!" Yeah, double life anyone? But, I am the kind of person who needs the truth on stuff like that.

I'm not saying to use me as an example, but I also know what it feels like and I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with finding out the truth.

jerect

Thing is, I called the number and a women answered. I did not tell the women who I was or who my husband was but I did tell her that there had been numerous calls and about 600 texts to and from that particular number and I wanted to know what was going on. I even asked her if she was messing with my husband. The women was very calm and she did not get defensive or hang up on me. She told me that the cell phone was a business phone and that there were several lines connected with the phone. She said that she was not messing with my husband. My AH had told me a long time ago that his friend lived with his roomate and his wife and that they owned a plumbling company and I do know this to be true. He said that his friend uses one of the cell phones. His friends number has not showed up on the phone bill since he has been calling this number.

The kicker though is that I did a reverse cell phone lookup today, had to pay 10.00 for the darn thing and the number was listed in a womens name. So I don't know what to believe and what not to believe. I want to believe him so bad but he has lied to me so many times that I have a hard time believing him. I mean he really could be telling the truth. His friend drives around one of his roomates plumbing vans so why wouldent he use his cell phone? The cell phone number listed on the van has the same prefix as the cell number he has been calling. The thing is, the womens name that is listed for the phone is not the roommates wife. In the past, phone calls to my AH's friend were very brief, not more then 4 or 5 minutes at a time and hardly no text messages. Thats what raised my suspisions.

In any case I have to tell "Nancy" to go away and just to just allow what it is to be what it is.. It's so hard to do that though.

lightseeker

this is the kind of thing that I can let myself go truly crazy over. There are a couple of slogans that jump to mind in this situation. First, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you are finding it difficult to trust him it's important to trust YOURSELF. Something inside of you is telling you that something is amiss. Another slogan that applies is "nothing changes if nothing changes". And what CAN you change? Him? No. His phone calls? No. The only thing you can change is you. It helped me to figure out my bottom lines and to know what actions I will take if those lines are crossed. When I find myself looking for anything amiss I first remind myself of what actions I have agreed to take if I find anything.

The more that I have learned to live in a way that isn't dependent on RAH the better I have done. That allows me to make decisions that are best for me and my well-being. There still is a part of me that says that marriage shouldn't be that way. But - life with an addict just has to be that way. Otherwise - we are hostages in our relationships. Anytime an addict is using a mood altering substance they are not sober. They might not be using their drug of choice (yet) but it always leads back to the same place. It helped me when I finally decided that I was going to live in a sober home. I knew that my then ABF might hit the road on that one but I knew that I couldn't live with the drama, chaos, fear, worry, angst of a non-sober home. I didn't care so much what he did - I cared about what I wanted and needed. He could adjust and fit in if he wanted but that was his choice to make and not mine.

Addiction is generally a deal breaker in regards to being able to have a healthy relationship.

I know how hard all of this is but you've got the tools to take care of yourself. You'll find the right anwers for you..... Just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry that this is happening and that I am thinking about you.