NYC_Chick

I have been mulling over what xabf did last week and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

I responded to a letter he wrote me a while back. I owned all my stuff, told him how I felt during the relationship in regards to his lying and manipulation, and told him what I wanted and now know I deserve in a partner. I didn't say much about his alcoholism except that it's his choice what to do about it and what to call himself.

I went to see out couples therapist Thursday. My xabf texted me on Monday and asked if I was still going. From the letter, he knew I was, so I'm not sure why he needed to know again (my assumption is that he didn't really read the whole letter). Anyway, I texted back that I still was.

So, I go to see her and she said (she had his permission) that he came to see her. She asked how I felt about it. I told her I didn't know but my concern was that he was trying to manipulate her and get to me. She said she knew that was a possibility and that she recognized that the same problems (his alcoholism) were still in play. Ok. He didn't ask her to pass on messages but said that he didn't care if I knew what went on in his session. I should say that this is not unusual for us because when we were together she had separate sessions that we shared what went on in them. Long story short, I told her I didn't want to know what was going on with him because I was affraid I would be upset by it. She understood and we came up with boundaries for how to deal with it if he goes to see her again.

What she did tell me before discussing boundaries is that he seemed to be there to figure out what I was thinking. He took my letter with him. He said it was important to him that I owned up on my stuff and that he expected the letter to be more angry and accusatory about his alcoholism. He's confused that I wasn't and that maybe I didn't care anymore.

I'm very confused, obviously. It seems strange to go all these lengths to get me back, but the one thing that I would support is him getting sober. I guess these things never occur to them.

Today, he texts "Hope you are well. Take care" "Take care = F*** you!" I know him too well now. I don't get what this was about today. I'm sick of thinking about it, but can't seem to stop at the moment.

Has anyone else gone through this?

Rella927

Yup!

I actually thought that asking my XABF to go to my counselor (She is a certified alcohol and drug counselor) would be a great thing for him! Nope and guess what it was not a good thing for me either!! (I was more worried about him and not ME)

Anyway-LONG story short-He agreed and went a few times himself-(drunk) and a few times with me (Drunk). Mine too was only there to get his emotional needs met i.e. to know what was going on in my head, not his own!

After a lot of chaos/drama/cops/restraining orders/bruises etc....I had to let him go and get on with my life!

I found that when I changed my phone number and did not have it ringing off the hook and getting txt messages my life became more manageable and PEACEFUL!

Today….what he does with his life no longer concerns me-he was given many chances to get into a program and stick to it! ( I would have supported him). All that matters to me today is that I did start a program and I plan to stick with it!

It is hard as we do love them and are concerned about them but, where is that getting us in our lives? In time I was able to learn to love him from a distance and although I do not have contact or anyway of knowing how he is-I’m ok with that because I turned him over to God. It takes time but it is possible.

NYC

carolineb

NYC~

I feel for you. I don't have any special words of wisdom. I'm sorry this man is occupying so much space in your brain, but I completely understand and empathize.

All I can say is to do what is best for you and try not to think too hard about someone who's head you can't possibly get into. Take care of you and hang in there. Give it over to God and do the quiet work within yourself.

lexusgirl

Hi NYC,
I was sorta wondering the same thing, and forgive me if I'm being nosey. If it were me, I don't think I would feel comfortable going to the same counselor that exabf and I went to in the begining, as I feel it would keep me locked in some how to him through the counselor.

Is seeking out a counselor just for you an option? This way there would be no chance of manipulation on his part through the counselor.

Just a thought.

Hang in there..stay strong!

Pajarito

Same with me- not getting why you are continuing to go to the same counselor. How about going to a new counselor who can help you focus on you? I have gained so much from mine. It's really hard to keep the focus on us- and you pay a lot for her service- I assume, so why not go to someone who doesn't have him telling her things that can be relayed to you? It sounds manipulative on his part to me. (((Take care of you!)))

nowinsituation

NYC - You know it isn't doing you any good to keep him in your head. Seems like as soon as you start to get him out, ("He's confused that I wasn't [angry] and that maybe I didn't care anymore.") he needs to make sure that you keep focusing on him (texting you). Of course you care what happens to him; but is it healthy for you? Try to clear him out and keep him out, whatever it takes.

NYC_Chick

The relationship is over...but he keeps texting me. I was hesitant to change my number before because I was looking for a job and had tons of resumes out with my number on it. Since I'm starting a new job next week, I can go ahead and change it. Admittedly, a small part of me knows he will be lost forever to me if I change it. Then I think, like most of us have been through on some level ,"What if he decides to get sober?" Yes, I fully admit living in the "what if" in recent weeks. I'm trying to live in what's going on now, but having a hard time.

I haven't physically seen him since December and have not spoken to him on the phone since January. He sends random texts once a week. I think before he was mad I ignored him by not writing back a response to his letter. Now that he has a response he doesn't like... "I won't be with an active alcoholic" I think he though his last attempt would be to go to the therapist. He also knows I respect her a lot because, even when we were going together, he knew I was getting more out of it than he was.

He has not been to see her since the last time we went together in December. I continued to see her on an individual basis. As far as I knew, he wasn't going to go back to her because he said it was "too painful" to be in a place that was so connected to us as a couple.

I think her purpose in telling me he was there is to disclose it and figure out if I was comfortable with that. She said at one point that knowing he cares, in her opinion, will allow me to keep the focus on me instead of who he is with and what he is doing. I read this in Getting Them Sober, so it made sense to me. She is in no way advocating I do anything differently here and believes he is in deep denial about his problem. Of course, the fact that he is still drinking is a testament to that.

She has helped me so much, not just with the break-up stuff, but anxiety over my job and random other things going on. I don't want to stop going to her because she is similar to a counselor I went to when I lived in another state, meaning there's more direction to it than just sitting an dumping things out without any real guidance or tools to move past things. I've had both. This works better. I also think since she saw it all with both of us, she would be able to help me better work past things in the relationship that hurt me.

I hate this! Some days I do really well, others I want to lay in bed an cry. I feel like I'm going through rapid-fire change and it's too much, then other days I feel like I'm not moving fast enough.

LaTeeDa

It's so hard to let go of something that we feel so connected to. I can tell you from experience, though, that I had to let some things go in order to clear space in my life for something new. Once I really and truly let go of the things that weren't working in my life, amazing things began to happen....

L

NYC_Chick

Anvil...Thank you!!!

I think I can put a moritorium on it. With the start of my new job, which I'm terrified about, we'll have lots of stuff to discuss : )

I have AT&T and someone said they can switch a number out within 4 hours. God, this is hard. "Forever" overwhelms me, so I'm just going to have to stop making it a big bold word in my brain so I get though it. UGH!!!

really_fed_up

You are doing great, NYC! You are taking the steps...which can be so hard, but you are moving in the right direction.

Barbara52

You don't need to change the number unless you want to. Lord knows it can be a hassle to let everyone know you have a new number.

The simple answer it to delete the text messages without reading them. The same with phone messages or emails. You do not have to read them unless you want to.

NYC_Chick

Thaks Barb! The problem is the evil iphone. For some reason they set text messages to just pop up on your screen when they come in. The message part is visible and you have to either chose to view the full text or ignore the messages, but generally it gives you at least 3 lines.

I am sure a tech junkie would know how to reset it, but I don't. I like my phone number too because I've had it for 8 years, but I feel trapped by the stuff popping up and not strong enough to hit ignore without reading the lines that are visible. Phone messages are easy. But lucky me, he's decided to respect that one boundary so text is the only tool he has left.

Barbara52

Find someone who knows how to change the default settings on your phone. I'm sure there is a way to do it. That will solve the problem.

NYC_Chick

Thanks Barb and Anvil!

I found a way to lock the message priview, so it doesn't just pop-up on my screen anymore!!! YAY! I guess a lot of people on the net were having an issue with the same thing.

Although when I look at the text message screen I'll still be able to see the message, I can cover it with my hand before I delete it.

Much better now!

peaceteach

NYC Chick,
One other thing I noticed in your post was that you firmly told your therapist that you didn't want to know anything about what your ex-b said. That tells me also that you are taking care of you and getting stronger!

Freedom1990

You know, the more I read over that, the more that bothered me. Any counselor worth his/her weight in gold doesn't sit there and encourage a codependent trait like hooking off of his feelings of 'caring' in order for you to focus on yourself.

Personally I'd be finding a different counselor.

lexusgirl

I too re read that and tried to figure out exactly why your counselor would say that? Why would she suggest that since he still cares, that would keep the focus on you? In all actuality it sorta would do the opposite? No?

Like Anvil said, I think your doing much better then you give yourself credit for!!:ghug3

NYC_Chick

I think her point was more toward the leaning of what Toby Rice Drews says...being rejected by the reject doens't feel good and constantly living in fear that he will leave me (although I left him) put me in a position to focus solely on what he was doing instead of figuring out what I needed to do to move past the relationship and get healthy (although I don't feel like it today) for myself. It's in volume 4 of Getting Them Sober...


During those terrible panic times when you are unable to do much else that think about getting him back, it can be very comforting to have this information. And it helps to know that even if he leaves again, if you are willing to put up with it, he will probably keep coming back.

It doesn't sound right to me first off, but in reading the whole chapter, it sounds like what my therapist was getting at. I get the other view of it completely, though.

lexusgirl

That sorta makes sense. Still waiting on my Getting Them Sober book.

miss communicat

"The relationship is over...but ........(fill in the blank)....."


"I think he was ..............(fill in the blank)....
"Now ... I think he thought" .............(fill in the blank).....
"He also knows................"(fill in the blank).....


Dear NYC Girl,

It is hard to be finished with a relationship or to see things clearly when we practice second guessing the person we are finished with. This must be really hard for you. I hope you find peace soon. I send you my support.