Confused757

I've been married to an alcoholic for 5 yrs & my husband's best friend happens to be my brother, who has spent many nights with my husband drinking. He has also come home before him on several ocassions too.

I recently found out from my husband that he cheated on me several times throughout our marriage, having one night stands & messing around. The last one that I know of was on his b-day back in August 2007 while out with my brother. I discovered this email written to my husband by my brother who recently returned to the states from a 6 mos deployment in Iraq. He should be here (Va) some time tomorrow. I don't want to see him but I have no choice. How in the HELL can my brother watch my husband having sex in our car with another woman & not do a damn thing about it!? I am beyond pissed & at the same time extremely hurt. Not just by my husband, but by my very own brother too. I can't seem to get the images out of my head either & I drive in that car every day!

Becky

The email:

Date: Sat, 17 Nov 2007 2348 -0500

me you and michelle went out drinking and she was all over you once we
got to the clubhouse. i went to get cigarettes across the street
because me and her ran out. when i got back ya'll were inside the bar
all kissy with each other. i went outside because i was ready to leave
but ya'll stayed inside to drink some more. when ya'll finally came
out you both got into your car and started kissin again so i took her
truck and went for a short drive to mcdonalds. when i got back ya'll
were ******. she was rubbin your head and not putting up any sort of
fight. yes i got a good look cause at first i wasnt sure what ya'll
were doing. i even honked the horn a couple of times to speed ya'll up
and she never let on that anything was wrong. she just kept on rubbin
your back and head like women do when they have sex. i waited till
ya'll were done and then i drove her home and stayed the night there.
thats pretty much it.

triciafawn

I don't understand....the email doesn't make sense. why would your brother write your husband an email about something that your husband did? wouldn't your husband KNOW what he did? and why did your brother drive the girl home and stay the nite with her? I'm sorry, but this just doesn't make sense to me.

In reading all of your other posts, I truly think that you need to move on with your life and try to forget the dysfunctional relationship you had with your husband, because it WAS dysfunctional to say the least.

And then after he gets back home, IF he says he has changed, and IF he is willing to be faithful, then MAYBE give the marriage another shot. But as for right now, you really have nothing to hang onto. Alcoholism is one thing....but infidelity is quite another.

prodigal

Confused, I can understand your wanting to share information with us here. However, we already know that your husband is (1) an alcoholic and (2) an adulterer. I don't want this to come across as cold and uncaring because we DO care what happens to you, but we're here to help YOU.

I don't need chapter, title, and verse of every infidelity, drinking binge, and all the gory details (such as emails) that go along with it. All of us could relate similar horror stories, I assure you. See, the thing is that we are here because we need to help one another regain our OWN sanity from all the fallout we've endured as a result of someone else's alcoholism. Rehashing what someone else has done does not help us get better; it keeps the focus on the addict.

We start down the road to recovery by looking at how and why we got hooked up with an addict in the first place; why we continued to put up with the crap they dished out; why we felt we had to take the abuse. We also learn how to take care of our own business and leave the addict to take care of his.

Right now you are hurting from the terrible things your AH has done to you. You have every right to hurt. However, you need to start addressing how you got to this point. And that begins by looking at yourself, okay? I know all I need to know about your AH.

i4getsm

Becky, I'm sorry your brother betrayed you in this way. It sounds like your AH may have asked "what happened last night?" and your brother was responding. I'm new here too and trying to figure this all out myself (so I'm not a pro) but wanted you to know that I think it's okay to vent when you need to get it out. Then like the other posts have mentioned it's time to move past it. I too struggle with finding out more about what my AH has done. Typically it does hurt more than help but for *me*, finding out more pushed me to continue forward with getting out. Otherwise I might be tempted to stay, kwim? Just wanted you to know that I understand it.

Are you looking for advice on whether or not to say something to your brother? It's one thing to be betrayed by your spouse but quite another to be betrayed by your own flesh and blood. Shannon

Confused757

Sorry for the details but I'm in complete shock still over the entire thing & the images will not leave my brain. It's easy to say, just forget about it & move on, but this is very recent for me. It's not that easy for some people.

As for why the email was written:
It was "proof" that my husband didn't try to rape her like she had claimed back in Nov. I was sitting in our backyard with my husband one the night when this girl's boyfriend came by to tell my husband what she was saying. He seemed so shocked as to why he this girl would say those things, had his own version of the story to go with it & had asked my brother if maybe he had said something that would have made her upset that night.

I am REALLY trying to get past this! Trust me, I don't want to think of this sh*t every day! Getting it out helps! It's the same for me i4getsm....I could have worked through the alcoholism but the more I find out about everything else, the easier it is to leave this man! Bad thing is, I have to wait till June to legally do anything.

Becky

NYC_Chick

Confused757: I know you are hurting, but dwelling on the details when I went through my break-up is what kept me stuck in the alcoholic pull. I know it's hard to push these things to the back of your mind, but once you do that it leaves a lot more space to learn about yourself and what you want out of life. Without a doubt, you deserve more than what this guy has given you.

mallowcup

It sounds to me like your husband asked what happend last night? Your brother may have been caught between a rock and a hardspot. I'm sure the next day, your hubby had regrets about MANY things. If I were him, I'd plead amnesia.
Your brother was put in a positon to hurt you or not hurt you. He was wrong.
Sometimes that old saying,
"What they dont know, wont hurt them". Your brother ultimately risked your life to keep a secret. Back seat Betsy has most likely seen many back seats. high risk gal.
I'm so sorry that your brother had to go to Iraq, that puts a real monkey wrench in it.
I understand how horribly hurt you must be. I'm so sorry.
I guess if I was you, I'd give him a chance to tell me now. After enough time goes by, I'd simply hand him the email think doing that speaks volumes.

FormerDoormat

Oh, it makes perfect sense. What we have here is one alcoholic (Confused's brother) recapping the night's events to another alcoholic (Confused's husband)--who apparently experienced a blackout. Why do I believe they're both alcoholics? Birds of a feather flock together and alcoholics are notorious liars.

What I don't understand is why anyone would encourage a woman who's husband has cheated on her multiple times to give him one more try. Not everyone enjoys being abused.

prodigal

I agree with FD on this one. Confused knows that her AH has been cheating on her for most of their marriage with MULTIPLE partners.

Hey, what about infectious diseases???

Confused, I hope you have been tested for anything and everything. If not, please consider doing so just to be safe!

goldeelox

Wow,I am so sorry! I would be really pi# P@#ed off too. What are you going to do? Please don't overlook your health becasue I'm sure you know how dangerous your husbands actions are. I would be angry with my brother too as he should feel some loyalty toward you . Keep us posted

TDinATL

Confused, I understand what you are going through and I too went through needing to give some details. Some of the stuff to me was almost impossible to believe, I needed to post it, to get it out, to hear someone else say - been there, been through that, you're not crazy.

I realized after time that my 'stuff' was not me being insane, others (many others) had been through the exact same situations, received the same denial, false promises, etc. from my AW.

I also know what it's like to have those images running through your head, it drives you crazy and all you want to do is make it disappear. Like others have said, the best way to do that is to focus on you and getting better. It's a respect issue - your husband proved to you many times that he did not respect you and now it's time to show that YOU respect yourself.

Focus on the fact that you deserve better than this, you deserve respect! If you respect yourself others will too. If you don't feel that respect for yourself now then get some help and find out why and correct it - only you can do that.

God bless.

Confused757

I definately respect myself. That's why I wasn't the one out there screwing strangers! I was faithful, honest, loving & I sacrificed a lot for a man who didn't give a **** about me. You can bet that by this time next year, I will be divorced. He can tell me he loves me as much as he wants & tell me as many times as he'd like that he wants to stay with me, but he's a liar. Always was. You can't believe a liar. I won't let him disrespect me anymore.

I have to say though, that the images are still there but I'm learning to ignore them. In a way, they are also helping me to detach from him a lot faster. They remind me that I definately deserve better! However, my brother is staying here with us (my parents) right now while he's on leave & that is bothering me. Seeing him & knowing that this whole time, he knew everything my AH was doing but never said a word. Not to mention watching my nephew running up to him saying "daddy! daddy!" all day long while my kids don't even see their dad because he's a recovering drunk.

Becky

Pajarito

(((((Becky))))) I have to say it has pained me to read your posts. I've wanted to respond, but haven't been able to. Why? I've been through something like what you've been through. My AH had 2 emotional affairs. The first was 9 years ago. Why didn't I leave him then? I thought I respected myself. I thought cheating of any kind would be a deal breaker, yet I kept thinking he'd change, it was only emotional- so was it really so bad? Yes- it was bad, but I tried to bury it, ignore it, get over it. Over the past 9 years my AH has lied to me, hidden things, been verbally and emotionally abusive- and he left me and our dd 8 months ago. I knew in my gut that I was being treated very poorly- yet I kept putting up with crap, because I wanted that dream- and I could not believe, would not open my eyes to the reality- he was not prince charming. He was a horrible husband, a fairly bad father and I- who thought I did have self-respect- was living with scraps! My needs were not being met- yet if you asked me I'd tell you without a doubt I respected myself. Looking back I realize I did not respect myself or trust myself enough to get the hell out of a situation that was degrading and stressful 24/7. Somehow he left me- and thank GOD!!! He thought I'd wake up and realize what a great guy he was. For 9 years I'd been attempting to live with his lies, laziness, verbal abuse, chaos (I could go on. . .), and he thought I'd wake up??? Well, I did. I woke up- opened my eyes and realized my life was very narrow with him- and I finally found some peace. The house was actually quiet- and peaceful. Now I am divorcing him. I'm not going to say I feel great. We were together for 12 years. It's not an easy choice to make, but the other choice would be to put up with less than I deserve, and I am not going back to that insanity. I am worth more than that. I finally do see that. I hope you will keep posting, keep reading, go to al-anon, reach out to friends, go to therapy if you can. . . take care of yourself. (((You deserve it!)))

Confused757

Thank you.

I went through all of those same emotions & still believed that he would change too. There were things that never made sense, but I told myself that he would never cheat on me even after I knew about the time he kissed another girl & called others. I never in my wildest dreams thought he would actually be out having sex with strangers.

I've also heard some things about him recently that are almost frightening. I heard that he has attempted to force sex on women more than once while drunk. It's a good thing I am getting out of this now. I should have gotten out of it years ago, but I just kept trying to be there for him hoping that he would see what a great family he had. Now, I'm just sitting back letting him look back on what he is losing. Or should I say lost, because I will never go back to that man again. I deserve & my children deserve so much better.

I still communicate with him for the sake of our children. I support his recovery only for them. He called yesterday & our 4 yr old didn't even want to talk to him. AH said that she was mad at him because he's not here & asked if the baby (16 mos) would even remember him when she sees him again. He brought this on himself & knows it. He sounds very sad on the phone now & committed to his recovery. He said that by being unselfish, he is there & not here. But, there have been too many lies in the past that I can't trust anything he says anymore. That's sad.

Becky

Pajarito

Yes, it is sad. I'm sorry you are going through this. But I also feel that in order for you to be strong for yourself and your children you have to consider continuing down the path you're on. Believe me- it's not easy, but every day I see reasons to continue on my own path. It may be hard right now, but it's comforting to know I have friends and family that support me. I am stronger now than I ever realized.

I didn't want to see the truth, because it hurt. It's also because it meant I would have to look at myself- why did I spend years putting up with scraps? I wanted that dream- as I'm sure you do. But he has a different agenda. You have to figure out how to accept that. Can you live with it? It doesn't sound like you can. I want to break the chain for my dd as well. She doesn't deserve this, but her chances of making healthy choices will only increase if I make healthy choices. What kind of role model would I be for her if I allowed myself to continue to live the way I was? Do I want to see her suffer the way I did? No. . . think about it in terms of your kids. Would you want them to be treated by their spouse the way you have? You should want the same healthy relationship for yourself that you'd want for them.

Your AH has lost a lot- by his own hand. There is nothing you could have done- or can do to make him see that- or to change. He has to do that. His sadness can change in a moment. His recovery? How many times have you pinned your hopes on that? We all do- we want that person to come back to us, to make it all better. Unfortunately alcohol has such a grip on most of them that they can't see straight. But you can- if you want to. Be strong and continue to fight for your own recovery. In time you will feel better. 8 months for me have been pretty hellish, but I am starting to see some light at the end of this. Good luck. . . ((()))

IO Storm

Confused 757...

I am a recovering alcoholic and an addict...I have cheated as an active alcoholic,

and have been "cheated on" as well. It is truly , astoundingly painful no matter

how it happens. Cheating hurts.

You received good advice here...but I really liked what Prodigal had to say...

"We also learn how to take care of our own business and leave the addict to take care of his."

It seems you taking steps to do this...and please, if you have not done so...be tested

for STD's and HIV.

My best to you,

Love,



IO

Confused757

IO...
I noticed you signed your post with "love." I've noticed that my AH has started to do that in his emails. Not only to me, but with others as well. I was wondering if that is something to do with recovery? He now says that he "likes everyone" when he used to not like anyone. Just asking

Becky

steve11694

Please let me congratulate you on your phenomenal writing ability and you have my vote for a Pulitzer award.

Well done

mallowcup

If there is any good news out of this, I think I am so happy your response was being hurt and mad. That seems like a very healthy reaction. I'd be really worried if you felt like there was something you could do to change it or that it was your fault in any way.
I think that reaching a threshold is what brings about real change.
Square one can be a great place to be.

IO Storm

Confused....

Heavens! If you "search" my posts you will find I usually sign off 99% of them with

"Love"...that is just me, my personality, trademark...I guess. I don't even realize I do it!

*Lol* I don't know why your ex does this....

Again...focus on yourself now....not so much on "him"...do not get lost in "him".

Love,

IO