TDinATL

Hi All,

Another long post, not even sure I need to preface my posts with that - it's a given I think.

I realized last night that I haven't 'gotten over' as much as I thought with my STBXAW's drinking - or alcohol in general.

We've been separated a few months, divorce is pending, and I was (am) feeling better about things, and especially myself. I hadn't thought about alcohol and alohol abuse much lately and thought to myself that I guess I just needed to get it out of my life.

However... (always the kicker, huh?) I was at bible study last night and as we were taking prayer requests a lady in the group said something to the effect of - "I'm going on a corporate retreat and want to be able to have a glass of wine with everyone, but I know if I have more than that I'll get stupid and I don't way to offend anyone or be offended - please pray for me to be able to have a drink and keep it under control."

I politely, and in a joking manner, said if she wanted to keep from overdoing it she could opt to not drink at all and then she could tell everyone else about the silly things they did. She laughed and said she still wanted to have a drink and blah, blah and ended up commenting that she didn't want to not drink and have others thing she was stuffy.

We went back and forth for a bit about it and she kind of threw up her hands and said "I'm not a drunk!" At this point I knew my emotions were taking over and (thank God) I knew to shut-up.

My take was that she was more concerned with what others thought of her and that she was 'cool' with the group and less with staying in control of herself and most of all, acting in a way that was pleasing to God - we were at bible study so that definitely factors in.

However, she may have simply wanted prayer for self-control.

Anyhow, it bugged me - made me realize I really hate alcohol. The way it makes people act, the fact that a 40-year old woman would care in the least that she didn't fit with the in-crowd, the fact that she knew that more than one was too much yet she wanted badly to chance it. I truly don't think there's anything wrong with having a drink - but too many people go beyond that and that's what I've experience for 10 years.

So, I guess I ain't as over this alcohol thing as I thought. I got downright frustrated and angry with the situation and how stupid I thought it was.

Looks like I better deal with my own baggage instead of just tossing suitcases in the closet... (kept neatly next to the skeletons)

peaceteach

Hi TD. Good to see you. I had a really hard time (for a long time) with drinking, no matter who was doing it, when I first got divorced from my AH. It will mellow in time, so be patient with yourself. You didn't get to this point overnight, so it will take some time before you can "relax" you wariness towards drinking in others.

I think it took me over two years before I could meet friends in a bar for a drink after work and not feel terrible and scared and totally not enjoying it. There are quite a few people out in this world who actually have ONE drink-LOL! I just didn't know any of them before.

Keep moving forward, TD, keep reading the codependency books, and realize that just like the alcoholic, we too have "triggers" that can spin us out of control with our codependency issues.

lexusgirl

Hello TD!! Try not to be too hard on yourself, I think it's only natural as we are dealing with a loved one with a problem. I have been finding myself really noticing the habits of others when it comes to drinking.

I bought a bottle of wine the other night and still haven't opened it, and yet I couldn't help but feel strange and guilty about it.

I guess this to shall pass...

Hang in there!

sailorjohn

Look at it another way, your higher power put that lady in that room with you for a reason. Maybe to help reinforce the fact that you are truly powerless over alcohol. I think you did okay. It is really difficult to bite your tongue when you're dealing with a typical clueless, alcoholic.

Sweetiepie1

We are more sensitive to alcohol and it's effects; how can we not be?

I see men and women having a can of beer or a glass of wine on the train home from work on a Friday and think, my God it must be bad if they can't wait till they get home.

If someone tells me that they don't drink I automaticaly think that it's likely they have had a problem with alcohol. I never paid much attention to these things before but now see addicts all the time (I'm sure I imagine some of it too)

I used to enjoy a drink, I liked to get a little squiffy too but it has lost it's appeal quite dramatically since seeing how ill it made my RAB.

Shivaya

Great thread TD....it's hard not to dislike anything having to do with alcohol. I know for me.......having seen what it can do when it is used excessively....I am very sensitive about the subject of drinking.

In my opinion, I would not even think of ingesting a substance that I felt "may" make me act stupidly. This is not to say that I've never consumed too much of anything....however.....I am 40 and I've learned my lesson!

Anyhow....I understand how it feels to think you are moving forward and doing well....to then discover that maybe you are not....

Remember.........Progress...........not perfection!


Shivaya

howatch

Hi
Since discovering my mom was an alcoholic recently, my siblings and I have really lost the plot about our own drinking. Initially we felt scared stiff of the booze in our fridges and just wanted to throw it all down the sink!

Then I started wonderign every time I fancied a drink whether that meant I was an alcoholic! I did the are-you-an-alcoholic quiz with 20 questions and got a score of 3, which surprised me as I never thought of myself as having a problem. But I think I have got some of my mom's weird attitudes to alcohol.

Anyway it did my head in - sometimes I'd decide to have a drink, because I didn't want my mom's problems 'affecting' me, and other times I'd decide not to drink, just to test my willpower and see whether i was an alcoholic or not! Every evening became a bit of a mental struggle.

In the end (we are Christians) my husband suggested we go on a fast from alcohol while I deal with my mom's issues. We don't have an end date. Perhaps when she goes into recovery would be good. So every time I fancy a drink, I try to remember to pray for her instead. It is a relief to have just decided not to drink at all and to have turned my internal anxiety into something positive.

Personally - and I realise this is a sensitive issue which is going to be different for everyone - I think one day I would like to drink normally again without feeling 'affected' by my mom's alcoholism - a sign of freedom from her. But I don't know when I will be ready for that.

TDinATL

Thanks everyone, once again it's good to hear others have experienced this. I know that doesn't make it right or healthy for me to react so harshly to alcohol, but it's good to identify and address these things.

Not as far as I thought, but getting better everyday!

Barbara52

I enjoy a glass or 2 of wine now and then. I enjoy a glass of Amaretto now and then. But I have never "needed" a drink. I don't have a problem being with people who are drinking, whether I am or not. I can separate the act of drinking alcohol from the disease of alcoholism.

What I have lost tolerance for is drunkeness. I really cannot stand being around someone who gets drunk. Its not that I necessarily think that the drunk person is an alcoholic. I just find that state to be truly disgusting.