Hello and help

Old 04-20-2008, 11:32 AM
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Unhappy Hello and help

Hi, I'm new here. I've been lurking a few days, but I feel the need to share my story now...I apologize for the length of this post, but I really need to get it all out.

About a year ago, I reconnected with an old acquaintance--the younger brother of an old friend of mine. I hit it off with him immediately and a romance quickly developed. We're both about 40. He's got a couple of kids. One with him and one with his ex (different mothers).

He was upfront about his history: substance abuse problems (just about any substance, but crack's what took him down all the way), over 2 years sober (with the help of AA/NA), recent relapse, but working on recovery again. He'd bottomed out on that relapse a few months before I met him and was struggling to come back again--working a program and trying to piece his life back together. He lived about 2 hours away, in a town I used to live in, when we "remet", but had nothing there but his 12-year-old daughter, of whom he has full custody. At the time, she was staying with his mother until he had his life in order.

Since he had little to nothing and no real prospects, I let him come to visit me to look for a job here in my town. He found one quickly. From the beginning, he attended AA, daily, and an NA meeting when he could. I let him stay and work, and a couple of months later, let his daughter come, too. We agreed to take it month by month, not to commit to living together long-term right off the bat. The idea was, if our relationship worked, great--if not, maybe he'd at least have a foothold here to build a new life.

Things were good for about 5 months. We began functioning as a little family. His daughter and I bonded pretty well. She began calling me her "stepmom". He paid 1/2 my bills, participated in family life, and stayed clean and sober.

It wasn't all rosy, of course: He's an addict and his struggle to stay sober was difficult. He had all the "A" traits--irritability, overreaction, bouts of extreme laziness, self-centeredness--but he was trying. I, myself, had no experience with addiction. There was none in my history, family, etc. I consider myself pretty sensible and stable--though certainly not without my own neuroses and problems--and have a firm spiritual foundation. I loved him (still do) and did what I could to support him through the ups and downs, while still taking care of myself. Though I didn't really see the whole picture, and couldn't really know what I was taking on, I tried to be as proactive as possible. Right after he came down, he said that if I was going to be in a relationship with him, I should probably start looking into Al-Anon. I did. I bought books, went to some meetings, and got reading whatever I could find online. Most of what I found had to do with people living with active addiction, so I didn't really relate to a lot of it, but I kept on using the resources. Some of the stuff specific to living with sobriety was helpful, and I figured the rest would be helpful if he ever relapsed. I hoped he wouldn't, of course, but was trying to fully prepare myself for that eventuality.

I'm thankful I did. He is relapsing right now. I've learned over the last 5 months how insidious this disease is and seen the stages of relapse play out. First he got apathetic about his program, making excuses not to go to meetings. Then, it was talking about how he "probably would" relapse. Then, it was "alcohol was never really the problem, so I can have a beer now and then". I guess most of you can guess the rest. He had no drug contacts or buddies here, no exposure to that culture, no exposure to "triggers" other than the ones that are internal to him. But, about a month ago--he disappeared for 6 hours and came home crying. He told me he'd "f@#$ed up". For some reason, unknown even to him, he went seeking. He used coke that night.

We got through that night and there was no more use for a couple of weeks (I know because we went to Florida and he had no way of getting any). However, the week we were back, he cashed a check of his and did it again. He missed work that day, so he got "caught". He, again, was apologetic and said he needed help. I told him I'd drive him to a meeting, treatment, whatever he needed. He said, "tomorrow". It never happened. A few more days with no using went by, then he slipped again. Made it easy to "catch" him again, too. We repeated the scene, once again.

He is asking for my help and says he does NOT want to do this again. He asked me to take his phone and delete certain numbers and received/made calls. His recall is so bad, he figured he would forget the number of the dealer he'd been contacting. He also asked me to spend his most recent day off (which was also his pay day) with him to prevent him from using the opportunity and money to go pick up. I did. I feel these efforts are good signs, but I also know he can't rely on me to keep him under control. I work and have other things to do. Keeping him "under my thumb" is not only impractical, but not a solution and not the way I want to live. He's got to get back in a program or get professional help of some sort. This has to be his responsibility, not mine. I've said that to him and he KNOWS it, but he hasn't taken the steps needed.

I'm not stupid. I know this means he's not ready to stop. I've already set up some boundaries to protect myself (banned him from using my car and changed the PIN code on the debit card), but as long as he's relapsing and in my house I know he might steal from me, bring this crap into the house and/or indulge in other completely unacceptable behaviors. I've already contemplated another boundary in my head, but haven't stated it out loud yet because I am not sure I want to stick to it. Basically, if he slips one more time, I think I will tell him to leave until HE makes the decision to get sober. I don't consider this "giving up" on him. I believe people can and do get sober, even crackheads (he has not used crack YET, thankfully, but I guess that's the next logical step), and he might be one of the ones who can do it. Maybe not, but that's for him to work out. If he can, he is welcome back in my life until the next relapse. If not...well...I will feel much sorrow, but I can't live with active addiction.

If I put him out, though, the only place for him to go is out-of-town. He'll lose his job and other things he's worked for during his 7 months of sobriety. Here's the hard part...If it were just him and me, this would be a simple equation. But, there's this 12-year-old girl here, too, who has spent the last 8 months adjusting to a new life and city and school, making friends, and building a relationship with the first "mom" figure she's had in many, many years. If I send him away, there's no chance he would try to take her with him. He does, at least, have enough sense to know that he can't care for her if using. She is unaware of the drug use, but knows he's relapsed on drinking, and has been terrified I'm going to "throw them out". I've told her I won't make her leave but, if it comes down to it, I don't really have any legal rights to keep her here. Her "real family" could come lay claim to her at any time. I am helpless to protect her stability if he's not here. She has become almost like my daughter, now, and I feel an obligation to her.

She loves her grandmother, and has been in her care previously, but her grandmother and I both have discussed that she needs to be here. The poor woman is 71 and in ill health and can't care for her the way she needs. That leaves it open for her real mother to possibly come in and try to take her back. Her real mother has never been sober, is on disability and had this girl and another child taken away from her because of past behavior.

This is all overwhelming. Thanks for listening and I hope someone has some ESH that will help.
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Old 04-20-2008, 11:43 AM
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Wow, you have your hands full! Sorry you are dealing with all of this. Sounds like you already know what you need to do in reality, it's just putting it into action!
As for his daughter, is there anyway you could get him to sign guardianship to you, not give up his rights, but also allow it for you. That way if it came down to him leaving, which sounds VERY likely you would have some form of guardianship over her???
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Old 04-20-2008, 12:03 PM
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Good for you that you educated yourself on addiction. You sound in control of what you want for yourself and strong enough to follow through with your boundaries. Understanding that it is only he who can make the decision to get clean and stay that way is a huge step in my opinion for anyone living with active addiction. Stay true to yourself and your needs.

As for his daughter, I really can't offer any advice, it's definitely a tough one. So sad that both her parents seem to be unreliable. You're right, you can't really do much for her without having legal custody or guardianship. I was thinking that maybe there is a counselor at her school who could offer advice, but once you do that things would probably be out of your control entirely because she/he would have to report any abuse or neglect she/he knows about, and then the system goes to work (child protective services, law enforcement, etc). Maybe the only thing you can do right now is think about what you are willing to do for this girl. What I mean is, if it comes down to it, would you want to take legal responsibility for her? Maybe being a foster parent or something like that.

Sorry I can't offer any real advice or solutions, I just want you to know that here you are not alone. I hope someone else will have some words of wisdom to provide.

Sending prayers your way.
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Old 04-20-2008, 09:49 PM
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I think looking into a temporary guardianship is not a bad idea, if you don't mind looking after her (and it sounds like you don't and you are glad to have her in your life.)

It sounds like this guy is really tumbling all over, doesn't it? I think drinking is always bad news. I had friends who would do cocaine now and then and only because they were drunk and wanted a "pick me up." Being drunk also leaves you without any common sense, so of course, you're going to do stupid things.

I'm curious, what is his ex like? Is she still in his life much? She doesn't have custody, right? Is she someone you could talk to? Or is that not a good idea?
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Old 04-21-2008, 07:16 AM
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Thanks to everyone who has responded, so far. The issue of guardianship has come up before...He actually suggested it (long before the relapse), because there are a lot of good, practical reasons to do it. But, I had been a bit resistant to it, at the time. We hadn't been together that long and it seemed like too much too soon. Of course, we hadn't really talked about a *temporary* guardianship, and I was unaware such a thing existed. That might be something to look into.

Probably the biggest obstacle to doing anything legal will be his daughter's mother. She may agree to it, but she might fight it tooth and nail. She still has visitation rights (though she rarely exercises them) and could go to court to fight to get her daughter back...circumstances right now would be perfect, actually.

Zombiewife, the situation with the ex is this. She was, basically, a girl my A had a fling with--no real relationship. She got pregnant. She was already dating someone else by the time she came back and told my A about the pregnancy. He wanted to be a part of the child's life, she sometimes let him see her and sometimes didn't, and there was much battling back-and-forth. He took her to court and, after a couple of years with much evidence the mother couldn't provide proper care (and could even be a danger to her), he won primary custody.

She is bipolar and has had major addiction problems. Last year, she was in a horrible accident. (Her "best friend", who knew she'd copped that day, attacked and beat her for the drugs. After the beating, she left her on a train track--with the full knowledge that the train was due any time. The train did come. She survived, against a lot of odds, but lost a limb.) She is just now coming out of physical rehab and, for the time, is not using anything that's not prescribed. She's about to get her own apartment. This might be the turning point for her to get better, which I hope is the case. This might also be the time she goes right back to her former ways, with all the pain medications she has to take and being back in the "real world" again. Who knows?

I've met her and I have no animosity toward her. I hope she gets well and becomes a part of her daughter's life. I have no desire to stand in the way of that. However, until she's proven she is capable of taking care of her, I would not want her to have the option of gaining full custody because daddy's off on a drug relapse.

Right now, she's trying to get her daughter for the summer...we don't know if this is good or bad or if she has an ulterior motive. She has only seen her daughter once in the last two years, and that was when I took her up to see her in the hospital after the accident. But, if we do allow the summer visit and her dad's problems get worse, that could be a real problem...
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Old 04-21-2008, 07:33 AM
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hello, and welcome

Your story sounds alot like mine..............

I knew he had a past issue with his addiction to crack believed he could overcome it.
He has children one of which we fought in court for many many years to get fully custody of .........................

and then he relapsed

his son lives with us, is aware of the relapse and knows dad is in treatment to get help.

also the mother, is an addict in and out of jail and prison, and never in the childs life as a parent.
With the 1st relapse my AH signed over temporary custody to me, and gave me his durable power of attorney.................so even if family comes up wanting to step in husband who has the legal authority to make the decisions already has and hes provided for the care of his son with me.

this is what the son wants and what dad and I want.................so far all is okay.

my heart goes out to you and your family its a rough road ................and some never get well and stay well.

I will keep you in my thoughts
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