katherine34

I don't think that my 11-year old daughter knows that I am an alcoholic. Should I tell her? If I need to go to an AA meeting in the evening, I want to be able to tell her where I am going. Her father and I share custody of her so I'm afraid if I tell her, she will tell her dad and that will cause all sorts of problems. Any advice?

natsiw

i have no advice... this is such a subjective subject... I honestly feel for the situation that you are in... i hope you find the answer that works for you and everyone else involved <3

CarolD

This is not something I have experienced
soooo I can't share with you.

I am sending along prayers for the 2 of you.

mikel60

My kids are still young ( 1 and 3). When I got sober 12 years ago I made amends to my (then) 9 year-old niece and her 7 year old brother. They didn't know what the heck I was talking about. I guess it depends upon how much your daughter already knows.
Mike

barb dwyer

katherine -

what does your sponsor say?

I don't know you or your situation but I am familiar with deadbeat exes who only want to hurt you and use your children to do that.

It sound lame ... but I"d pray about it hard and thoroughly.

Barb Dwyer pretty much always says go with the truth.

Can the situation wait long enough for you to connect with your HP
(and sponsor)
and receive the guidance for the next right thing?

Just tonight at work - something happened that turned out to be my fault after all.
It didn't show up until after all the papers hit the ground.
First thing I did - even though this mistake may cost me this job...
was sit down and write a memo to the GM and say what happened and take
full responsibility.

IT's just how I have to handle things because I'm an alcoholic.
I can NOT have something hanging over me.
It will make me drink if I don't take care of it no matter how painful.

But if you think you need more time to pray and listen ...
were it me - I would DO that.

Honesty is the foundation of this Program.
Honesty ... and our relationship with our Higher Power
....keeps us sober.

I warned ya - it's lame - but it's all I got.

Room1

I have an 11 year old daughter and she does not know and I don't plan on telling her at the present time. She does have some special needs which may contribute to the fact she is unaware of my alcoholism but equally they may not.

Personally if you think your daughter dosn't know then I wouldn't say, if it is going to possibly cause you more problems. If you go to AA meetings and don't want to lie to her, then you could just not tell the whole truth, i.e say you are going to meetings to help you feel better about yourself? Or something similar, just my opinion.....

Sax

bugsworth

Hey Katherine, I have a 10 year old daughter, she was 9 when I did my 90 in 90.

I never told her I was going to aa...just a meeting at the church.(not a lie) She was use to me doing volunteer work...meals on wheels, soup kitchen, etc so it was not unusual.

Best of luck!

least

I don't know your daughter or anything about her. If you think it would have unpleasant repercussions it might be better not to tell her at present. You do not want to sabotage your recovery with any problems with the ex, or your daughter, or anything else that can be avoided. Sometimes silence is best.

If it were me I would just build on my sobriety and work on getting myself healthier and happier. You never know how much kids DO know about what's going on around them. Some are very aware, some not. ONly you can know if it would be better to tell her or wait a while. As long as you're working on your recovery you are doing all you can do to better yourself and your relationships with your loved ones.

All the best to you.:ghug3

gravity

I think that it really depends on the situation. What would be best for your daughter? If telling her could result in upseting her life (eg. spending less time with you because her dad uses your drinking history against you) then I wouldn't tell her. If she knows and is worried about your drinking history, maybe let her know that you quit and plan on staying that way? If she is concerned/scared, it would probably be really comforting for her to know that you recognize the problem & are working on it. Also, she might be a little young to understand what AA is about (eg. sponsor, steps, fellowship).

My kids are younger and when I go to a meeting, I tell them I'm going to see my friends and will be back in time to kiss them good night.

Best wishes!

Pinkcuda

No! Kids have a hard enough time just growing up. Knowing that the average adult doesn't understand alcoholism, how well do you think an child could understand it? Not that your daughter won't understand. I was thinking of her peers. What will happen when word gets out at school that "That girls mom is an Alcoholic".
She may be shunned by a bunch of kids who are afraid of something they don't understand.
That's my two cents.

dave47

My two are 13 and 10 and I haven't said anything to them, it's not something I need to burden them with and they accept that I don't drink because I don't want to. That's simple enough for them and maybe I can kid myself it's simple enough for me as well.
I agree with Pinkcuda, I don't want my kids to be worried by what others may say to them about me.

Katecan

Hi katherine!

I'm guarding my 14 year old son as well about this. Not mentioning the details. That's a tough age and we live in a community of only 300 people since August. As far as meetings, I'm going to them in the city on my lunch break during the work week. He'll be at school. No need to know yet.

katherine34

Thank you for all the wonderful advice everyone. I think (for now) it is best for me to work on my own recovery and not burden my daughter with my problems. Maybe one day when she is older, I will feel that I should tell her. But maybe I will never have to.

I don't have a sponsor yet. I only went to my first meeting last night and I'm still not sure what the process is for getting a sponsor?

Thank you again everyone. Your advice and support means the world to me.

Katecan

Glad to help anytime Katherine.

Hey, you live not to far from me. I'm up by PA.

Hevyn

Wow, I was going to jump in with what I thought was a good answer, then completely changed my mind after reading all the responses. I was going to suggest just coming out with it, thinking that to keep it under wraps makes it seem like something to be ashamed of. It would be nice if the world were a kinder place, but I realize now it would be better to wait. Maybe you could write her a letter explaining everything and show it to her when the time is right, and worrying about what her peers might say is no longer a concern.

hope45

My sons are 9 and 12 and I think it would just confuse them to talk about it now. BUT, I do think when they get older I will discuss it with them because there's some family history of addiction on both sides and forewarned is forearmed.

LosingmyMisery

My daughter was 12 when I talked with her, along with my sponsor. She knew I was an alcoholic. Kids are pretty sharp these days. I'm pretty sure her friends and parents new also. Small town, little secrets. I no longer wanted any secrets or lies. The truth would set me see. The poor girl so me at my worse. I think she was relieved that I was making efforts to change.

Now that you are going to meetings, should there be shame that you are an alcoholic? Heavens no! You are getting help and trying to change your life. That is something to be commended for. You know your child better than anyone else. Go with your gut on this one.

nogard

my daugther is 22 so of course she knows, but when I think of her as as a young child, I think for me the right thing to do would be to think of her needs and not mine.

Kevin

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

I agree that only you know your situation Katherine, and I would be hesitant to tell her if I thought my ex would take it and run with it..

That said, my kids (12 and 14 when I got sober) were unfortunately fully aware that I had a drinking problem..so I was honest with them when I started going to meetings and we had a long talk about alcoholism at that point. It set their minds at ease, and now they are very proud of me. Just my experience..

Surlyredhead

I was one year sober when I got pregnant with my now almost 13 year old Son. He has known all of his life that I am in recovery, he knows many people from meetings and NA/AA dances who show him on a regular basis how using effects them in negative way and how recovery is so positive, he has friends whose parents attend meetings and looks forward to meetings and dances. I like the fact that he is seeing people of all ages, races and social back grounds having fun clean and sober (we are in Detroit). He has asked me questions about my addiction and I have been honest with my answers, taking into consideration his age at the time of the question. I can't tell you what is right for you and your child, for me, I can't imagine not having my Son know about the wonderful gift recovery is (his Father is in NA also), good luck with your decision.


Cathy