Question for you all?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 21
Question for you all?
Of those of you that left and addict BF/GF or addict spouse: how did you do it? what was the final straw? etc.
Of those of you that have stayed: how do you survive, ho do you get thru it? do you still think about leaving?
Of those of you that have stayed: how do you survive, ho do you get thru it? do you still think about leaving?
Too Trusting & Generous
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Canberra, ACT
Posts: 2
Edisson,
If you go to the previous thread, I have just posted my story. I stayed too long and ended up leaving. In my situation, there was no way for me to stay. I tried everything. That is why I left.
Hope my story helps you and best of luck.
Kurly
If you go to the previous thread, I have just posted my story. I stayed too long and ended up leaving. In my situation, there was no way for me to stay. I tried everything. That is why I left.
Hope my story helps you and best of luck.
Kurly
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Eddison. I have read your posts, and I can relate. My AH is an Opiate Addict. The manipulations, by silence, pouting, arrogance, contrition (their version), etc. is endless.
Mine never did the garage thing. Mine would be the "reasonable" one. Not always, just one of his many hats.
My story and how I got to the end. Years and years of no partner. Oh there was a pleasant dinner here for a few hours - to come home to him laying on the couch or going to bed; or a pleasant walk around the field for a 1/2 hour - to come home to him laying on the couch or going to bed, etc. You get the idea. Little snippets of daily engagement, but not on a daily basis. Not enough to sustain a relationship. We had no connection by the time I said I wanted out.
By the time I was done I had had annual melt-downs begging, crying, screaming, reasoning, (each year was different but they all amounted to the same thing), why was he married to me, he didn't talk to me, he didn't like to spend time with me, we didn't have sex - or if we did he wouldn't look at me when we were intimate (ever!), I told him I flat out did not trust him to take my hand if I held it out to him, and that was a terrible feeling, that I couldn't trust my spouse enough to hold my hand if I needed it. He would always think about it, work at it, etc. As the saying goes around here, a lot of Quacking.
The years went on, i went to my own therapy. I learned about boundaries. I started detaching. When he spent weeks sleeping late, coming home from work and going straight back to bed, I would finally just say to him - either you go to a Dr. or get over it, but just being in the house with me every day does not make you a partner. He would pull it together for a few days, or maybe even a week, try to stay awake - didn't really engage, but you know - he wasn't horizontal. But then he'd just go right back to sleeping.
The last 2 years we had a geriatric dog. We have no children so he was my baby - our baby. I spent a lot of time with our dog, it was about all we would talk about that we had in common. I did what I needed to. I went to work, took care of the house, took care of the dog - which was physically exhausting the last year - but it was my choice. I choose to do these things, and I was fine with it, but I also knew that when we lost our dog I would try to give the marriage one more year. He spent the next 3 mos. doing his thing. I detached more and more to the point of indifference. He sensed this and pulled a last ditch effort. A "surprise" weekend in the City! He tried to be nice, he doesn't really have conversational skills so there was no just talking, but he tried not to be Mr. Sulky Pants - but never once did he do what was needed. He did not bring up our marriage, what could he and we do, etc. He tried to wish it away and that did it.
3 weeks after I asked for a divorce I found out about the addiction. That set me back several paces. I didn't understand it or what it was about and how much that played into my marriage etc. I had to figure all that out for myself. Early on I was told it didn't really matter what issues in my marriage were a direct result of his addiction and what were just us. It didn't change what happened. But, I couldn't really understand that. I knew it, but I didn't fully grasp it, it was all so new. After months and months of SR, Alanon, reading, therapy and NA meetings, I get it.
I never waivered in wanting a divorce, but the addiction did muddle it up for me. It muddled how I dealt with him, and how I went forward. Sadly it seems I spent months giving him his "space", he's been so upset, blah blah blah. Well, guess what? He's been stalling, squatting, hoping for some money g*d to come and hand him what he "knows" he deserves. His days this divorce being all about him and his way are coming ubruptly to an end. My marriage was not my way, not by a long shot - and so far, this divorce has been about him too in a lot of ways - but that's over now.
You will know when you know. Somewhere you know this, but it takes time. Give yourself the time and space to read, talk, etc. Anything and everything you need to do to take care of you. It's fine if he goes to counseling, that's great - but you need to worry about you and your own therapies, and your health - physical and mental. If you keep working on you, you will get to where you need to go.
I hope my story helps a little. I can remember needing these stories too.
Mine never did the garage thing. Mine would be the "reasonable" one. Not always, just one of his many hats.
My story and how I got to the end. Years and years of no partner. Oh there was a pleasant dinner here for a few hours - to come home to him laying on the couch or going to bed; or a pleasant walk around the field for a 1/2 hour - to come home to him laying on the couch or going to bed, etc. You get the idea. Little snippets of daily engagement, but not on a daily basis. Not enough to sustain a relationship. We had no connection by the time I said I wanted out.
By the time I was done I had had annual melt-downs begging, crying, screaming, reasoning, (each year was different but they all amounted to the same thing), why was he married to me, he didn't talk to me, he didn't like to spend time with me, we didn't have sex - or if we did he wouldn't look at me when we were intimate (ever!), I told him I flat out did not trust him to take my hand if I held it out to him, and that was a terrible feeling, that I couldn't trust my spouse enough to hold my hand if I needed it. He would always think about it, work at it, etc. As the saying goes around here, a lot of Quacking.
The years went on, i went to my own therapy. I learned about boundaries. I started detaching. When he spent weeks sleeping late, coming home from work and going straight back to bed, I would finally just say to him - either you go to a Dr. or get over it, but just being in the house with me every day does not make you a partner. He would pull it together for a few days, or maybe even a week, try to stay awake - didn't really engage, but you know - he wasn't horizontal. But then he'd just go right back to sleeping.
The last 2 years we had a geriatric dog. We have no children so he was my baby - our baby. I spent a lot of time with our dog, it was about all we would talk about that we had in common. I did what I needed to. I went to work, took care of the house, took care of the dog - which was physically exhausting the last year - but it was my choice. I choose to do these things, and I was fine with it, but I also knew that when we lost our dog I would try to give the marriage one more year. He spent the next 3 mos. doing his thing. I detached more and more to the point of indifference. He sensed this and pulled a last ditch effort. A "surprise" weekend in the City! He tried to be nice, he doesn't really have conversational skills so there was no just talking, but he tried not to be Mr. Sulky Pants - but never once did he do what was needed. He did not bring up our marriage, what could he and we do, etc. He tried to wish it away and that did it.
3 weeks after I asked for a divorce I found out about the addiction. That set me back several paces. I didn't understand it or what it was about and how much that played into my marriage etc. I had to figure all that out for myself. Early on I was told it didn't really matter what issues in my marriage were a direct result of his addiction and what were just us. It didn't change what happened. But, I couldn't really understand that. I knew it, but I didn't fully grasp it, it was all so new. After months and months of SR, Alanon, reading, therapy and NA meetings, I get it.
I never waivered in wanting a divorce, but the addiction did muddle it up for me. It muddled how I dealt with him, and how I went forward. Sadly it seems I spent months giving him his "space", he's been so upset, blah blah blah. Well, guess what? He's been stalling, squatting, hoping for some money g*d to come and hand him what he "knows" he deserves. His days this divorce being all about him and his way are coming ubruptly to an end. My marriage was not my way, not by a long shot - and so far, this divorce has been about him too in a lot of ways - but that's over now.
You will know when you know. Somewhere you know this, but it takes time. Give yourself the time and space to read, talk, etc. Anything and everything you need to do to take care of you. It's fine if he goes to counseling, that's great - but you need to worry about you and your own therapies, and your health - physical and mental. If you keep working on you, you will get to where you need to go.
I hope my story helps a little. I can remember needing these stories too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I left because I didn't want my child growing up with an active addict and all the drama that comes with it. I didn't want my child to think that mommy lets people get away with using drugs or being disrespectful to house rules. I wanted my child to grow up feeling safe, secure and in a healthy environment that they could use as a model for their future. Where behavior like being drugfree and respectful and loving to your spouse were the norm - not dysfunction, yelling and misery.
I was tough for my child. To save him. It wasn't about me anymore. It was for a greater good.
I was tough for my child. To save him. It wasn't about me anymore. It was for a greater good.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
My exah was an alcoholic who smoked pot.
He would get paid on Friday and I wouldn't see him again until
Sunday. I would kick him out. A week or two later I would let him come
back home. I was scared. Afraid I couldn't make it on my own. I did miss
him and love him, too. Don't get me wrong. The last battle-royal, lol,
was the day he came home with a paycheck for only 3 days work. He
laid brick and made good money. But if it was cold or raining, or hey!, if
the fishing or golf course was calling his name...he'd skip work.
So, he came home with a "very short" paycheck.
I waited tables and had been for many years for a certain Big Boy.
I had made more money that week than he did. I was working my butt off while he missed work to party. His life was just the way he wanted it to be.
He had no ambition about buying a house, (Even though he probably could have built the darn thing himself)saving money, or anything else.
I hit rock bottom with him. I told him that I had made more money than he did and that he would always be nothing if he didn't stop drinking and smoking weed.
He had a fly swatter in his hand. He flipped over the coffee table. Grabbed me up. Turned me over his knee and proceeded to spank my rear end for
yelling that he was worthless. Even though I didn't mention that word at all.
That was the last straw. I rubbed my red bottom and all the while was packing his stuff. I always packed his stuff for him. He would have never left otherwise. That, dear lady, was my kick, no pun intended, in the a$$.
'Nuff said.
He would get paid on Friday and I wouldn't see him again until
Sunday. I would kick him out. A week or two later I would let him come
back home. I was scared. Afraid I couldn't make it on my own. I did miss
him and love him, too. Don't get me wrong. The last battle-royal, lol,
was the day he came home with a paycheck for only 3 days work. He
laid brick and made good money. But if it was cold or raining, or hey!, if
the fishing or golf course was calling his name...he'd skip work.
So, he came home with a "very short" paycheck.
I waited tables and had been for many years for a certain Big Boy.
I had made more money that week than he did. I was working my butt off while he missed work to party. His life was just the way he wanted it to be.
He had no ambition about buying a house, (Even though he probably could have built the darn thing himself)saving money, or anything else.
I hit rock bottom with him. I told him that I had made more money than he did and that he would always be nothing if he didn't stop drinking and smoking weed.
He had a fly swatter in his hand. He flipped over the coffee table. Grabbed me up. Turned me over his knee and proceeded to spank my rear end for
yelling that he was worthless. Even though I didn't mention that word at all.
That was the last straw. I rubbed my red bottom and all the while was packing his stuff. I always packed his stuff for him. He would have never left otherwise. That, dear lady, was my kick, no pun intended, in the a$$.
'Nuff said.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
There was a defining moment when my son (age 5 at the time) said something to me. I don't remember what he said, but I will never forget HOW he said it. As I slumped to the floor in tears, I realized that my sons were learning how to treat their wives by watching how their father treated me. Pure and simple. And totally unacceptable.
I called my parents and told them I was divorcing, and I might need some $ or a place to stay for a bit to get back on my feet.
It was difficult, but I've never regretted the decision. It was the best thing for all of us.
I called my parents and told them I was divorcing, and I might need some $ or a place to stay for a bit to get back on my feet.
It was difficult, but I've never regretted the decision. It was the best thing for all of us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 21
you guys are awesome
You guys are awesome for sharing. It helps alot to hear other peoples stories. I was driving home from work yesterday and was thinking about how each and every one of you that gets on this forum is out there in the world and has suffered these hurts and gets online and helps other people too. I wish I could somehow see and hug you all!
My BF is still on his stand-off. 4 nights in the garage now. Last night was the hardest for me. Cried myself to sleep and then started again this morning. He wont even look at me and avoids me like the plague when he does come out. I made waffles and bacon this morning and when he came out to use the bathroom, I told him there was plenty and he said in a cold voice, "no thanks, I'm fine." Now, he is busy cooking his own breakfast, even though there is lots left.
He called me yesterday at work and had to first confirm that the only reason he was calling me was because we had to decide on a stain color for the fence right away, that the painter was waiting there at the house.
FOur nights!! It feels so hurtful. He knows I'm in pain from this. He has never gone more than one night, MAYBE two but I cant remember it. Usually, he breaks down and misses me. Not this time.
I feel like he hates me!!! :[
I'm starting to get paranoid on top of everything else, like he is making plans to leave me. I know that breaking up might be for the best, but Im not ready for that yet, if ever. I'm being honest. I love him so much and feel terribly lonesome for him. Im sush a wuss, I know.
My BF is still on his stand-off. 4 nights in the garage now. Last night was the hardest for me. Cried myself to sleep and then started again this morning. He wont even look at me and avoids me like the plague when he does come out. I made waffles and bacon this morning and when he came out to use the bathroom, I told him there was plenty and he said in a cold voice, "no thanks, I'm fine." Now, he is busy cooking his own breakfast, even though there is lots left.
He called me yesterday at work and had to first confirm that the only reason he was calling me was because we had to decide on a stain color for the fence right away, that the painter was waiting there at the house.
FOur nights!! It feels so hurtful. He knows I'm in pain from this. He has never gone more than one night, MAYBE two but I cant remember it. Usually, he breaks down and misses me. Not this time.
I feel like he hates me!!! :[
I'm starting to get paranoid on top of everything else, like he is making plans to leave me. I know that breaking up might be for the best, but Im not ready for that yet, if ever. I'm being honest. I love him so much and feel terribly lonesome for him. Im sush a wuss, I know.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Never mind how he feels. Take care of you. You need to find peace. You will know when you have had enough. It won't be easy, but you will know that you need to do for YOU, not him. My heart breaks for you, but just like I will... you will make it to.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Try to remember he can be so detached, distant and cold because he is desensitized. He cannot love you the way you need and deserve to be loved .. because he does not love himself.
What is happening now is not your fault, but rather a result of drug abuse. What he is exhibiting is classic addict behavior.
He is using the fact that you "snooped" as an excuse to stay out in the garage. I'd bet my bottom dollar that he is out there using ... being cold and distant is his way of keeping you away from him and making sure he doesn't have to worry about you invading his space .. and that way he can use in peace.
Be gentle with yourself and kind to yourself in this difficult time .. maybe do something nice for you .. like treat yourself to a movie, a bubblebath .. or jot down to the library and check out a copy of Melonie Beaties (sp?) "Codependent no more" and read it at your leisure .. Rather then focusing on your pain .. it is better to try to gain understanding as to what is happening and what you can do to get yourself in a better frame of mind ...
We tend to get lost in trying to figure out what we can do or say to get them to change ... and we wander around in the valley for days, weeks, months and years .. before we end up realizing there isn't anything you can say or do to make him change .. but you have the power to make changes in your life that will best suite you and benefit you in order to create the kind of life you want .. with or without him.
Hold on .. cause you are on your way
It may not feel like it, but you are
****{Hugs}}}
Passion
What is happening now is not your fault, but rather a result of drug abuse. What he is exhibiting is classic addict behavior.
He is using the fact that you "snooped" as an excuse to stay out in the garage. I'd bet my bottom dollar that he is out there using ... being cold and distant is his way of keeping you away from him and making sure he doesn't have to worry about you invading his space .. and that way he can use in peace.
Be gentle with yourself and kind to yourself in this difficult time .. maybe do something nice for you .. like treat yourself to a movie, a bubblebath .. or jot down to the library and check out a copy of Melonie Beaties (sp?) "Codependent no more" and read it at your leisure .. Rather then focusing on your pain .. it is better to try to gain understanding as to what is happening and what you can do to get yourself in a better frame of mind ...
We tend to get lost in trying to figure out what we can do or say to get them to change ... and we wander around in the valley for days, weeks, months and years .. before we end up realizing there isn't anything you can say or do to make him change .. but you have the power to make changes in your life that will best suite you and benefit you in order to create the kind of life you want .. with or without him.
Hold on .. cause you are on your way
It may not feel like it, but you are
****{Hugs}}}
Passion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 21
just went out with joe
You know it's weird, because he just kept taking vicoden more and more for the last couple years and every now and then he would say he thinks he might become addicted, he was worried. Sometimes he would open up to me like that, but then he would close off and say it wasn't any big deal.
Well so, about 8 months ago, he tried to wean himself off. It didn't work. He couldn't bare the withdrawals, the pain, and I think even the depression.
So, then he tried again about three months ago, but under the direction of his doctor. THis made me very happy. He even said if it didn't work, he would go to rehab.
Since he had his last pill, he has called the doctor to get more, the doctor refused. So, he says he got the oxy to get him thru the pain.
MAYBE the coke isn't his, MAYBE he is just gettting involved in OXY out of desperation. But why then, is he so angry I found his drugs? Oh I forgot, because I'm a snoop.
He went out about 30 minutes ago with Joe. I took all the kids to the park for an hour and yet he still waited til I got back to come out and get a shower, then he left his dress shirt over our bed, went back to the garage for an hour and then on his way out had to come get his shirt, each time going by me.
Is it just me? or does this seem manipulative?...throwing it in my face that he is going out.........
I mean up until then he couldn't avoid me more. Of course, he still averts his eyes and acts like he cant stand to be in the room with me.
Lovely, isn't it?
I do want to assure you all that I will keep our kids protected. I love them dearly and am most worried about them.
Well so, about 8 months ago, he tried to wean himself off. It didn't work. He couldn't bare the withdrawals, the pain, and I think even the depression.
So, then he tried again about three months ago, but under the direction of his doctor. THis made me very happy. He even said if it didn't work, he would go to rehab.
Since he had his last pill, he has called the doctor to get more, the doctor refused. So, he says he got the oxy to get him thru the pain.
MAYBE the coke isn't his, MAYBE he is just gettting involved in OXY out of desperation. But why then, is he so angry I found his drugs? Oh I forgot, because I'm a snoop.
He went out about 30 minutes ago with Joe. I took all the kids to the park for an hour and yet he still waited til I got back to come out and get a shower, then he left his dress shirt over our bed, went back to the garage for an hour and then on his way out had to come get his shirt, each time going by me.
Is it just me? or does this seem manipulative?...throwing it in my face that he is going out.........
I mean up until then he couldn't avoid me more. Of course, he still averts his eyes and acts like he cant stand to be in the room with me.
Lovely, isn't it?
I do want to assure you all that I will keep our kids protected. I love them dearly and am most worried about them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
He's acting like a 12 year old. (No offense to all the 12 year olds out there.)
I really have no advice for you since you seem to want to stay. I know in your shoes, I'd be asking for a few, simple, human rights, one of which is to be treated like a person.
He's trying to punish you, yet if he's unwilling to sit down and talk, there will be no resolution whatsoever. He'll just continue to brood.
I just don't know what to tell you at this point. I would have either left or booted him out before 4 days of being treated like that. But, we're all different and you must do what feels right.
He's being an a$$hole. It's that simple.
I really have no advice for you since you seem to want to stay. I know in your shoes, I'd be asking for a few, simple, human rights, one of which is to be treated like a person.
He's trying to punish you, yet if he's unwilling to sit down and talk, there will be no resolution whatsoever. He'll just continue to brood.
I just don't know what to tell you at this point. I would have either left or booted him out before 4 days of being treated like that. But, we're all different and you must do what feels right.
He's being an a$$hole. It's that simple.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: canada
Posts: 38
He is manipulating you to the max!!! At the end of this "tantrum" or whatever you call this, he probably plans to have you begging for forgiveness, begging him to stop and come back to you! See, you offered him food-a gesture of appology really, he said NO and made his own. Do you see how that is manipulating? He should be the one doing and saying all of the things he is setting you up to do right now!!! He is punishing you for HIM being a drug addict? I hope you take care of you and your kids. I know this is a horrible time for you right now, take care!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
Only you can decide whether to stay or go
many here are reading your posts and shuddering....
knowing only too well the path of addiction
Your addict cleared the way for a few days of drug free using out in the garage, set himself up for a no questions asked boys night out with Joe on Saturday, and has you primed to apologize when he is ready to return to the house, he'll probably get you to promise never to snoop or criticize again...
I wish there was a fast forward button to get you to the other side of this...
the reason most at SR know what is happening is because we have "been there done that"
for some people hearing about it is what it takes.....for others it takes living it and living it for awhile
my prayers that you can find strength and wisdom
many here are reading your posts and shuddering....
knowing only too well the path of addiction
Your addict cleared the way for a few days of drug free using out in the garage, set himself up for a no questions asked boys night out with Joe on Saturday, and has you primed to apologize when he is ready to return to the house, he'll probably get you to promise never to snoop or criticize again...
I wish there was a fast forward button to get you to the other side of this...
the reason most at SR know what is happening is because we have "been there done that"
for some people hearing about it is what it takes.....for others it takes living it and living it for awhile
my prayers that you can find strength and wisdom
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I think what used to kill me inside is when my husband would do some of the same things, and I would cry and cry and cry and he knew I was crying, and he still did it. You would think he could see how much it had hurt me, how much it tore me up, that he would care enough.
It was only after months and months of sobriety that he finally looked back to those moments and he knew, he understood. He had nightmares that he was looking at me and our child through a window, and we didn't see him. He had dreams that he was a walking ghost, that we had detached so much because of his drug use and that he'd never get us back.
He cried. He sobbed. He wept. He couldn't see it before. Now, he can. It took him a long time. He would have never seen it while he was using.
The words that hurt him the most were, "I'm afraid you kill all the love inside me," and "I never asked to become this person--the one who still snoops sometimes, the one who suspects. I hated who I was when he was using. I hated it so much.
He gets it now. I see that plain as day.
Some never get it, or they don't care. Either way, I think that takes a long time for them to look at how others are effected by their habit because the drug numbs it, gives them something warm (and artificial) on the inside to cling to. The drug is all that matters until they fall, hit bottom and are willing to claw their way out.
As always..... sending you lots of love.
:praying
It was only after months and months of sobriety that he finally looked back to those moments and he knew, he understood. He had nightmares that he was looking at me and our child through a window, and we didn't see him. He had dreams that he was a walking ghost, that we had detached so much because of his drug use and that he'd never get us back.
He cried. He sobbed. He wept. He couldn't see it before. Now, he can. It took him a long time. He would have never seen it while he was using.
The words that hurt him the most were, "I'm afraid you kill all the love inside me," and "I never asked to become this person--the one who still snoops sometimes, the one who suspects. I hated who I was when he was using. I hated it so much.
He gets it now. I see that plain as day.
Some never get it, or they don't care. Either way, I think that takes a long time for them to look at how others are effected by their habit because the drug numbs it, gives them something warm (and artificial) on the inside to cling to. The drug is all that matters until they fall, hit bottom and are willing to claw their way out.
As always..... sending you lots of love.
:praying
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
I was just going to post a similar thread and I see I don't have to.
I am also at a point where I know it is time to go, I have some steps to take and I'm avoiding taking them.
He has been sleeping on the couch for about a year because I got tired of him coming in and out of our bedroom. I would lay awake at night and wonder what it was he was doing downstairs, sometimes sobbing myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me that he didn't want to be with me. We also had a non-existent sex life.
Then I told him that he couldn't come to our bedroom anymore, and I told him that I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. Because I was waiting, yearning, wanting him to pay attention to me and want to talk to me and spend time with me and desire me and he didn't. We've been together for 16 years, married for 13. And I just "got it" that he was addicted in the summer of 2006. I started going to al-anon in Oct '06 and now I'm slowly rebuilding myself, because I lost ME in this process. I became a mom to two awesome girls, who are 5.5 and 3. I left my career to stay home with them, and I don't regret that, but there were times that I felt "trapped" in this situation because I am a stay at home mom. Now I realize that I'm not, that I have options.
One of the things I love about this site and about al-anon in general is that there are no judgments about how long it takes to leave or if you choose to stay (unless you are being abused or children are in danger, then you get great advice and options about getting to a safe place).
I do hope you find some peace in your heart and mind soon.
I am also at a point where I know it is time to go, I have some steps to take and I'm avoiding taking them.
He has been sleeping on the couch for about a year because I got tired of him coming in and out of our bedroom. I would lay awake at night and wonder what it was he was doing downstairs, sometimes sobbing myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me that he didn't want to be with me. We also had a non-existent sex life.
Then I told him that he couldn't come to our bedroom anymore, and I told him that I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. Because I was waiting, yearning, wanting him to pay attention to me and want to talk to me and spend time with me and desire me and he didn't. We've been together for 16 years, married for 13. And I just "got it" that he was addicted in the summer of 2006. I started going to al-anon in Oct '06 and now I'm slowly rebuilding myself, because I lost ME in this process. I became a mom to two awesome girls, who are 5.5 and 3. I left my career to stay home with them, and I don't regret that, but there were times that I felt "trapped" in this situation because I am a stay at home mom. Now I realize that I'm not, that I have options.
One of the things I love about this site and about al-anon in general is that there are no judgments about how long it takes to leave or if you choose to stay (unless you are being abused or children are in danger, then you get great advice and options about getting to a safe place).
I do hope you find some peace in your heart and mind soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 21
took him to detox
Hi there,
He came home from night out with "Joe" and we had a big fight. He spent 6 nights total in the garage. I left him some print-outs in the garage on pain clinics. He came back to our room. We didn't talk about it for a couple days. Then last night he started to open up, we ended up looking online about drug addiction, then for a rehab. He called his insurance company to get some numbers. And I dropped him off today at detox. It was really difficult, but i am so GRATEFUL, that he has done this. AND I will remain HOPEFUL and supportive that he beats this. PLease cross your fingers for him!!! I will keep you posted. You all got me thru a horrible time and I know I'm going to keep looking to you for advice. I know this is his first step.
I cried in the car before I drove home. Tears of relief, sadness, and worry for him, wishing I could take away his pain.
Hugs to all of you!!!!
He came home from night out with "Joe" and we had a big fight. He spent 6 nights total in the garage. I left him some print-outs in the garage on pain clinics. He came back to our room. We didn't talk about it for a couple days. Then last night he started to open up, we ended up looking online about drug addiction, then for a rehab. He called his insurance company to get some numbers. And I dropped him off today at detox. It was really difficult, but i am so GRATEFUL, that he has done this. AND I will remain HOPEFUL and supportive that he beats this. PLease cross your fingers for him!!! I will keep you posted. You all got me thru a horrible time and I know I'm going to keep looking to you for advice. I know this is his first step.
I cried in the car before I drove home. Tears of relief, sadness, and worry for him, wishing I could take away his pain.
Hugs to all of you!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
That's good news, Eddison, for both of you. But contrary to what WE want (which is to take away other's pain) his pain could be his most powerful teacher. It has been for me
Keep the focus on you, Eddison. You've learned that lesson here-don't lose what ground you've gained by this turn of events. You have some recovery to do also. Let him experience what he is meant to on his own, while you take care of you. Read, read, read!
Keep the focus on you, Eddison. You've learned that lesson here-don't lose what ground you've gained by this turn of events. You have some recovery to do also. Let him experience what he is meant to on his own, while you take care of you. Read, read, read!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
I have been thinking about you....
I am happy to hear that he is at a detox...
as you said it is only a first step but every journey must begin somewhere...
my prayers that this is his beginning.....
your tears are normal....
I have more than one memory of being overcome by tears...
when I left my son at a shelter I had to pull over to the side of the road because I could not drive I was crying so hard
an earlier time my husband and I took him to be admitted to a psych ward....we walked outside and couldn't even comfort each other....we each walked a few paces into the parking lot and cried (each in his/her own despair)
but people can recover...
we got stronger and my son slowly started his journey....
I am always praying he will continue
I will add your husband to my prayers
I am happy to hear that he is at a detox...
as you said it is only a first step but every journey must begin somewhere...
my prayers that this is his beginning.....
your tears are normal....
I have more than one memory of being overcome by tears...
when I left my son at a shelter I had to pull over to the side of the road because I could not drive I was crying so hard
an earlier time my husband and I took him to be admitted to a psych ward....we walked outside and couldn't even comfort each other....we each walked a few paces into the parking lot and cried (each in his/her own despair)
but people can recover...
we got stronger and my son slowly started his journey....
I am always praying he will continue
I will add your husband to my prayers
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