Hello...l'm new here!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: melbourne, victoria
Posts: 8
Hello...l'm new here!!
Hi!! Firstly, l'd like to introduce myself. I'm a 40 year old, full time working, single mother.
I'm glad l have found this forum, very similar to another forum l post on about Mid Life Crisis. No, l'm not in MLC but it has been my savior since my husband left 2 years ago, announcing that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. To cut a long story short, l discovered he was having an affair with a friend's sister but not only that, following a bowel operation in 2004, he changed. Not ringing to tell us where he was, coming home late with all excuses in tow, me believing them, he was drinking, gambling, partying, experimenting basically with sex, drugs and rock and roll!!
Well...as you can see, it's been a very emotional battle and in the meantime especially escalated by the death of my mother, financial issues, etc.
I think my problem with alcohol started just after him leaving in 2007, drinking to numb my pain. But l had control until last year. I would buy a bottle a night, take a bath, drink it out of a glass, and relax to bed.
One bottle soon became 2 especially on the weekends he had the kids and following the failure of a rebound relationship that l had entered. Then it became more serious as l'd wake in the morning, drive to the bottle shop, call in sick for work, buy 4 bottles to have around the house so that l wouldn't run out.
My anxiety levels were bad until the point when l had woken up one night in a huge panic attack, shaking uncontrollably, calling a doctor, a neighbor to be with me. I had no drinks in the house because l had decided to stop but this was the consequence of my actions. My doctor putting me on anti-anxiety tablets which were not knew to me seeing l was already on anti-depressant tablets as well.
You'd think l would have learned by this episode, only to begin drinking again 5 weeks later. Same scenario. My 40th birthday....ditto. The advertising for the sale of my house 2 weeks ago (which l had lost due to my husband's screw ups) and again last weekend when my home was open for inspection. Yep, TRIGGERS!!
At first, l would not take risks when l was drinking, it would be open but now it has become pathetic. Hiding drinks in neighbors' yards, driving, sleeping around with morons, though no real intercourse has taken place. Walking around pubs pissed off my head, stumbling around, accidentally burning my arm, ending up in hospital needing help, vomiting in my car, soiling myself as l could not make it in time to the toilet, sitting in corners crying about the loss of my marriage, neglecting myself and my kids, my work, my bills, my friends......
This has got to stop...I WANT it to STOP, l cannot do this to myself, more so to my kids, my brother, my friends and family....MY KIDS!! I AM BETTER THAN THIS DRUG!!
I have not had a drink for 6 days, the last 2 days l am more myself but a weeping mess feeling so bloody guilty and pathetic for all the things l have done whilst under the influence.
How do l feel when l drink...****!! The ******* l feel, the more l drink...l just want to drink myself until l'm passed out.
Thank you for allowing me to vent and tell the honest truth of what l have become with my binge drinking nightmare.
I'm scared it will happen again but l really want to fight it BADLY!!
I'm glad l have found this forum, very similar to another forum l post on about Mid Life Crisis. No, l'm not in MLC but it has been my savior since my husband left 2 years ago, announcing that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. To cut a long story short, l discovered he was having an affair with a friend's sister but not only that, following a bowel operation in 2004, he changed. Not ringing to tell us where he was, coming home late with all excuses in tow, me believing them, he was drinking, gambling, partying, experimenting basically with sex, drugs and rock and roll!!
Well...as you can see, it's been a very emotional battle and in the meantime especially escalated by the death of my mother, financial issues, etc.
I think my problem with alcohol started just after him leaving in 2007, drinking to numb my pain. But l had control until last year. I would buy a bottle a night, take a bath, drink it out of a glass, and relax to bed.
One bottle soon became 2 especially on the weekends he had the kids and following the failure of a rebound relationship that l had entered. Then it became more serious as l'd wake in the morning, drive to the bottle shop, call in sick for work, buy 4 bottles to have around the house so that l wouldn't run out.
My anxiety levels were bad until the point when l had woken up one night in a huge panic attack, shaking uncontrollably, calling a doctor, a neighbor to be with me. I had no drinks in the house because l had decided to stop but this was the consequence of my actions. My doctor putting me on anti-anxiety tablets which were not knew to me seeing l was already on anti-depressant tablets as well.
You'd think l would have learned by this episode, only to begin drinking again 5 weeks later. Same scenario. My 40th birthday....ditto. The advertising for the sale of my house 2 weeks ago (which l had lost due to my husband's screw ups) and again last weekend when my home was open for inspection. Yep, TRIGGERS!!
At first, l would not take risks when l was drinking, it would be open but now it has become pathetic. Hiding drinks in neighbors' yards, driving, sleeping around with morons, though no real intercourse has taken place. Walking around pubs pissed off my head, stumbling around, accidentally burning my arm, ending up in hospital needing help, vomiting in my car, soiling myself as l could not make it in time to the toilet, sitting in corners crying about the loss of my marriage, neglecting myself and my kids, my work, my bills, my friends......
This has got to stop...I WANT it to STOP, l cannot do this to myself, more so to my kids, my brother, my friends and family....MY KIDS!! I AM BETTER THAN THIS DRUG!!
I have not had a drink for 6 days, the last 2 days l am more myself but a weeping mess feeling so bloody guilty and pathetic for all the things l have done whilst under the influence.
How do l feel when l drink...****!! The ******* l feel, the more l drink...l just want to drink myself until l'm passed out.
Thank you for allowing me to vent and tell the honest truth of what l have become with my binge drinking nightmare.
I'm scared it will happen again but l really want to fight it BADLY!!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Welcome Paulsa and congratulations on 6 days - thats awesome.
It does sound as if you have a a tough time lately - but obviously drinking hs not improved the situations. It has only made them worse.
Please keep posting, you will find a lot of support here.
It does sound as if you have a a tough time lately - but obviously drinking hs not improved the situations. It has only made them worse.
Please keep posting, you will find a lot of support here.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,448
Hi Paulsa and Welcome,
Your post is honest and heartfelt and I know how the agonizing cycle goes -drinking/feeling horrible for drinking/and then drinking again to stop feeling so horrible.
It seems hopeless, but it isn't. And good for you for having 6 days sober. It sounds like you really want to stop drinking and we're here to offer support. I used to believe I needed alcohol to get through every eventuality that came along. But, I found I was a lot stronger than I thought. You are too.
Your post is honest and heartfelt and I know how the agonizing cycle goes -drinking/feeling horrible for drinking/and then drinking again to stop feeling so horrible.
It seems hopeless, but it isn't. And good for you for having 6 days sober. It sounds like you really want to stop drinking and we're here to offer support. I used to believe I needed alcohol to get through every eventuality that came along. But, I found I was a lot stronger than I thought. You are too.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Paulsa,
Welcome! I'm glad you're here. But Ihave some bad news for you. In my opinion, it absolutely WILL happen again if you do not seek serious help and make a committment to that manner of help. There are many people here who have saught sobriety in a variety of ways and with a variety of successes. You have to think what is possible for you and what you are drawn to. But you do, it seems from my expereince, absolutely need to seek help. It is the rare person who seeks no outside hlep, God, another Higher Power, Treatment Centers (inpatient and outpatient) Books and tapes, therapy, support groups (AA and others), etc.
You say many ting in your post:
You'd think l would have learned
but now it has become pathetic
neglecting myself and my kids
This has got to stop
I WANT it to STOP,
l cannot do this to myself, more so to my kids, my brother, my friends and family
l just want to drink myself until l'm passed out
I'm scared it will happen again but l really want to fight it BADLY!!
When it happens, it does not just happen to you. You make that decision to put alcohol in your body initially. There is no doubt about that. No one holds you down and pours chardonnay in your mouth. So, partly what I got from your post was a desperate desire to quit for very good reasons - but at the same time, a strong urge to avoid the truth of the matter that you are the one at the helm here.
You CAN stop. And you are at a terrible part of the disease. I am rooting for you and sympathetic for you. But you can stop if you want to. Do not let it have more power than it has. It already has enough. You have the power over that FIRST drink.
And you have the power over how you address this mud that has contaminated your life.
The way I did it: I had a strong realization similiar to the one you just posted where I said, Oh my God I am out of control and I can't stop and please God help me. I don't know how you feel about God but, boy, he comes through for me. Use what works for you. Then I went to AA meetings until I found a couple that I liked. And I enrolled in an outpatient program at my local hospital. AS I've gotten better (I'm at 76 days) I've found other things that help support me in sobriety - journalling, being here at SR, reading a great book (A place called self - women, sobriety and radical tranformation) which also comes with a workbook. I got a sponsor at AA and I'm working the steps. And I started exercising.
That sonds like a lot but right now it's the kind of committment I need to make to really stay on track.
Think of sobriety as a million dollar deal that you really don't want to lose. You would do whatever it takes right? Do it.
I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry I "talk" so much.
Welcome! I'm glad you're here. But Ihave some bad news for you. In my opinion, it absolutely WILL happen again if you do not seek serious help and make a committment to that manner of help. There are many people here who have saught sobriety in a variety of ways and with a variety of successes. You have to think what is possible for you and what you are drawn to. But you do, it seems from my expereince, absolutely need to seek help. It is the rare person who seeks no outside hlep, God, another Higher Power, Treatment Centers (inpatient and outpatient) Books and tapes, therapy, support groups (AA and others), etc.
You say many ting in your post:
You'd think l would have learned
but now it has become pathetic
neglecting myself and my kids
This has got to stop
I WANT it to STOP,
l cannot do this to myself, more so to my kids, my brother, my friends and family
l just want to drink myself until l'm passed out
I'm scared it will happen again but l really want to fight it BADLY!!
When it happens, it does not just happen to you. You make that decision to put alcohol in your body initially. There is no doubt about that. No one holds you down and pours chardonnay in your mouth. So, partly what I got from your post was a desperate desire to quit for very good reasons - but at the same time, a strong urge to avoid the truth of the matter that you are the one at the helm here.
You CAN stop. And you are at a terrible part of the disease. I am rooting for you and sympathetic for you. But you can stop if you want to. Do not let it have more power than it has. It already has enough. You have the power over that FIRST drink.
And you have the power over how you address this mud that has contaminated your life.
The way I did it: I had a strong realization similiar to the one you just posted where I said, Oh my God I am out of control and I can't stop and please God help me. I don't know how you feel about God but, boy, he comes through for me. Use what works for you. Then I went to AA meetings until I found a couple that I liked. And I enrolled in an outpatient program at my local hospital. AS I've gotten better (I'm at 76 days) I've found other things that help support me in sobriety - journalling, being here at SR, reading a great book (A place called self - women, sobriety and radical tranformation) which also comes with a workbook. I got a sponsor at AA and I'm working the steps. And I started exercising.
That sonds like a lot but right now it's the kind of committment I need to make to really stay on track.
Think of sobriety as a million dollar deal that you really don't want to lose. You would do whatever it takes right? Do it.
I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry I "talk" so much.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
Welcome to a safe and loving place. An international community of friends with the same sort of problems, helping themselves and others to crawl out of the hell hole of addiction. You can do it, but you do need to do it FOR YOURSELF. Once YOU are healthier, you can be a better mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee. But do get a support network in place. You may also want to talk with your doctor as coming off alcohol can be dangerous. All the best to you. Keep coming back!:ghug
Seriously Fun!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: California coast
Posts: 415
Welcome! Wow! Have I ever been there. Same story, different town.
You are so not alone. I'm glad you realize you need help. And it can happen. I hope you can find a AA group around you. It really helps to not be alone. And you might just be surprised to find out who you find in the meetings. We are friends inside and outside the groups.
You are so not alone. I'm glad you realize you need help. And it can happen. I hope you can find a AA group around you. It really helps to not be alone. And you might just be surprised to find out who you find in the meetings. We are friends inside and outside the groups.
Let go, let God.
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 244
Welcome Paulsa. I'm on my 6th day since my last drink as well. Hanging around here is sure helping me to not want another drink plus offers tons of information to help you make a plan to live life without alcohol anymore. Keep coming back.
((((Paulsa))))
((((Paulsa))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: melbourne, victoria
Posts: 8
Wow, thank you for listening to me.
It's really very humiliating reading back what l have written........anyone would think l was some raving lunatic normally and l'm not, it's the drink that turns me into a lunatic.
Yes, l do have a problem...it's a vicious cycle that comes around when the triggers appear. I need help to get down to the root of the problem, so that l can learn to stop this horrible, gut wrenching cycle that l put myself through.....it is a 'disease', whatever that term means, still not quite sure yet how it relates to me and the sooner l learn, the better l will be.
I need to learn to love myself, learn to move on, rather than dwell on the past, the bad times that cause me grief. When l drink, l become depressed and just think and cry my eyes out...sometimes literally scream out my pain on being cheated on by the man l loved and still love.
Where do l start...l think with the drinking problem first...........l want to be happy and healthy.
I have had enough crapola in my life, l don't need this bottle to add to my burden.
When l stopped the last time for 6 weeks, let me tell you how great l started to feel. Wonderful, bright, happy, energetic....but one day, l went to meet a high school friend who l had not seen since 1985. I had expectations of meeting this high school crush of mine only to be disappointed, my expectations not met. Guess what l did?? Went to the bottle shop soon after to drown my sorrows. "No-one loves me, will ever love me," l kept repeating to myself over and over again until again, l got drunk and acted like a drunk 40 year old, single lady.
This is not me...this is not what l want to be.
Sorry guys, just really writing down my random thoughts. I'm pretty sure this forum allows for pure honesty, no matter how embarrassing it reads back to the author (me) the next time they read it.
It's really very humiliating reading back what l have written........anyone would think l was some raving lunatic normally and l'm not, it's the drink that turns me into a lunatic.
Yes, l do have a problem...it's a vicious cycle that comes around when the triggers appear. I need help to get down to the root of the problem, so that l can learn to stop this horrible, gut wrenching cycle that l put myself through.....it is a 'disease', whatever that term means, still not quite sure yet how it relates to me and the sooner l learn, the better l will be.
I need to learn to love myself, learn to move on, rather than dwell on the past, the bad times that cause me grief. When l drink, l become depressed and just think and cry my eyes out...sometimes literally scream out my pain on being cheated on by the man l loved and still love.
Where do l start...l think with the drinking problem first...........l want to be happy and healthy.
I have had enough crapola in my life, l don't need this bottle to add to my burden.
When l stopped the last time for 6 weeks, let me tell you how great l started to feel. Wonderful, bright, happy, energetic....but one day, l went to meet a high school friend who l had not seen since 1985. I had expectations of meeting this high school crush of mine only to be disappointed, my expectations not met. Guess what l did?? Went to the bottle shop soon after to drown my sorrows. "No-one loves me, will ever love me," l kept repeating to myself over and over again until again, l got drunk and acted like a drunk 40 year old, single lady.
This is not me...this is not what l want to be.
Sorry guys, just really writing down my random thoughts. I'm pretty sure this forum allows for pure honesty, no matter how embarrassing it reads back to the author (me) the next time they read it.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
My long term depression is why I started AA recovery.
Living the AA program gives me much joy ...self esteem...peace.
Please check this out...
Alcoholics Anonymous UK Newcomers
Welcome to SR!
Living the AA program gives me much joy ...self esteem...peace.
Please check this out...
Alcoholics Anonymous UK Newcomers
Welcome to SR!
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Welcome Paulsa!
Thanks for sharing. we can certainly all relate in one way or another w/ your story. Congrats on your 6 day! yay! It sounds like you have had bouts of sobriety, now you just really need some support so you can stay sober. I too would recommend getting to an AA meeting. I know they have them down in Austrailia. Google them!
today I have 90 days clean and sober. This time I did things a bit differently. I went to meetings, I got a sponsor and I started writting out my steps. It is very theraputic. I have made a lot of super great friends in recovery too!
we are pulling for you! Sheila
Thanks for sharing. we can certainly all relate in one way or another w/ your story. Congrats on your 6 day! yay! It sounds like you have had bouts of sobriety, now you just really need some support so you can stay sober. I too would recommend getting to an AA meeting. I know they have them down in Austrailia. Google them!
today I have 90 days clean and sober. This time I did things a bit differently. I went to meetings, I got a sponsor and I started writting out my steps. It is very theraputic. I have made a lot of super great friends in recovery too!
we are pulling for you! Sheila
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1
Newbie here...
Hi everyone. I am new here and I'm new at CoDA/Al-Anon meetings. I had my first face-to-face Al-Anon meeting today and it was uplifting. I am so grateful. It feels as if all the pieces are finally starting to pull together. Dunno how but they are. I never thought that at my age I'd feel the way I believed only a 15-year-old was allowed to feel. I want the sense of hyper self-critical and judgemental thinking to go away...I want the fear of others' impression/opinion of me to go away...I want the sense of inadequacy to go away. I hope I will have the strength to improve a bit more everyday.
Good luck to all.
Good luck to all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: melbourne, victoria
Posts: 8
Hi guys, still around and feeling better but still need your TLC and support.
I know this now, that l have to be here, read and read because if l don't, l fear l will slip. I don't want to slip and l pray to God that l don't...but it's still a fear.
Is that normal?
I know this now, that l have to be here, read and read because if l don't, l fear l will slip. I don't want to slip and l pray to God that l don't...but it's still a fear.
Is that normal?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
Praying to your Higher Power, whether it be God or whatever CAN be very helpful when you're afraid you'll slip.
Going to AA meetings is also very helpful. Going to AA you can get phone numbers of people to call any time you have the desire to drink. Talking out your urges can help overcome them.
Another thing I did to stop drinking was write down all the negative things aabout drinking and re read it when I felt like drinking. (no more hiding bottles in the trash, no more hangovers, saving money by not buying so much alcohol, getting healthier by not drowning your body in booze... )
Good luck with your efforts. And keep coming back here to let out your feelings and get advice and friendly support.:ghug3
Going to AA meetings is also very helpful. Going to AA you can get phone numbers of people to call any time you have the desire to drink. Talking out your urges can help overcome them.
Another thing I did to stop drinking was write down all the negative things aabout drinking and re read it when I felt like drinking. (no more hiding bottles in the trash, no more hangovers, saving money by not buying so much alcohol, getting healthier by not drowning your body in booze... )
Good luck with your efforts. And keep coming back here to let out your feelings and get advice and friendly support.:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: melbourne, victoria
Posts: 8
Thank you Least...that honest introduction to my thread is something l intended to do...be frank and truthful...write down the negatives to my drinking, so that l can re-read my thoughts over and over again!!!
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