loner1968

I'm wondering if anyone out there has a similar situation. My ex left after 13 years and he is an addict and alcoholic. I am not but was definately an enabler. (you know...thought I was being helpful..really wasn't). After he left he immediately hooked up with a girl who also drinks alot. They have been together for awhile now and I hear they are both still drinking all the time but....they have everything that he and I never had. They have money, they do things together, go places, etc. I'm just trying to understand why it seems that he is better off with another user than he ever was with me. I know they have problems. I don't speak to him anymore but I still have the same group of friends so little things get said here and there. I basically feel that I failed somehow and that If I did everything I could to make things better why did he change after he left. I'm not perfect and know I made mistakes but never cheated, lied, stole, or tried to be underhanded in any way. All these things he did to me. I don't want to be with him. This is more of a personal question and I am trying to find a way to get past this feeling of not being "good enough". If anyone has a similar experience or story please post. I need to figure this out and trust me it will help.
thanks

Freedom1990

Appearances can be deceiving, and rest assured, if he continues in his alcoholism/addictions, it will fall apart.

I know what it's like to have self-doubt, wonder what you could have done better, etc etc.

I have been on both sides of the fence, as a recovering addict/alkie and I was married to one.

I used to drive myself crazy wondering what I could have done differently, yada yada yada.

Apparently mine eventually did remarry, and also adopted her children (older kids). How do I know this? My mother sent me his obituary last year.

He died of complications from AIDS.

Things are not always as they seem, and even if they have all the things, do all the things you never had/did, it's temporary, I can assure you.

Hopefully you will get to the point some day and be glad it's her now and not you. You got the better end of the deal, just as I did. :ghug3

LaTeeDa

So, are you saying you would rather have the life he has now than the life you have now? Drinking daily and drugging? Could it be that you left him because that is not the life you wanted? Just wondering.

L

LucyA

Enjoy your health, peace of mind and serenity. Don't worry about what he's got, or what it seems he's got. A's are good at keeping up appearances, but not payments apparently.

loner1968

NO! NO! NO! Please understand...I dont want that life. I'm trying to find my way out of this. I go up and down with it and I guess right now i'm down. I just need to understand. I know I can't change the past...I dont want to go back there. Trust me I could have but I didn;'t fall for his lies. He went back to her when I told him he had to work on himself etc...he didnt like that idea so he ran away again. I just beat myself up sometimes. Its not about wanting to be there.

loner1968

I didnt leave him...he left me...for someone who was "AMAZING"!!! His words not mine

geees poncho

Don't fool your self, his life is junk AMAZINGLY !!!!
this stuff is all about hurting you.
and as long as he lives in your head, he suceeds,
rent free I might add.
This may sound CRAZY, PRAY for him & her
a miracle will happen, guaranteed.

and keep coming back here.

NYC_Chick

They will always find someone AMAZING! That's because that AMAZING person doesn't mind being used or allowing them to use. I used to drive myself crazy with thoughts of my xabf moving on and finding someone better than me. The truth is, when he finds the next one he'll treat her the same way (if she's not participating in the same behavior) and she'll be AMAZING until she wakes up like I did and smells the coffee.

Put simply...your replacement will always be more amazing than you until they realize they are worth more than being with an active alcoholic. She's not there yet. Now how amazing does she sound to you? I think the amazing person is reading this message.

loner1968

Thank you for replying to my post. What everybody said was really helpful. I just have to keep reminding myself so I don't forget the truth.

mallowcup

She isnt amazing. She is just new. She believes him. He's excited about it because it's easier to walk away from a problem than solve it. There is probably some truth to the fact that she is nothing like you. Thank God!
They have so much in common, they have both been hurt, they have both had failed relationships, blah blah blah..............oh, yeah, they are both alcoholics.
Dont be hurt, be embarrassed for them.

hbb

hi and welcome! I asked my friend the same question of my exabf and why wasn't i good enough to be with. I have my $hit together, stable life, good job, good family and so on.

I need ALOT of reminding, but i go back to the notion that she (his ex he cheated on me with and married and got pregnant) will accept his pathetic ways because she's the same way as him. I had boundries, i had morals, wants and needs out of life.

Like mine, your's gained a drinking buddy and like the other's said, don't be fooled into thinking life is grand.....it's not and you'll see in time, he did you a favor.

really_fed_up

Life is always a party when he has someone to party with--i.e. his drinking and drugging partner. But it won't last...even if it's really "that good" in the first place. Alcoholics are mastermind actors. You weren't willing to put up with his s**t. He can't handle real life. Know that you are better off and it WILL get better...and you can always come here to rant! Hugs

loner1968

I wanted to say that I am feeling a little better right now. The last couple of weeks were really tough. Something set me off and set me back. I don't know where my depression would have taken me if I had not found you guys. It seems crazy that reading all the past posts and new replies could pull me up better than any prescription med or years of therapy. I have an anxiety disorder as well as depression and alanon meetings are something i think about alot, and I went a long time ago, but I panic when I think about going. I guess being able to sit here in my living room and get free thereapy from experienced people is a life saver. I will keep coming back here. I think i might be addicted.....to trying to help myself! LOL

:ghug

steve11694

Rule #1 Don't use logic or reason to analyze anything an alcoholic says

Rule #2 Refer to rule #1