lostnspain

OK ..i need advice..My x..always turns things around to make me look like im the problem. he never doesn´t take responsibility for the mean things he does. If I want to talk about it he refuses and gets mad at me for bringing it up. The things he says makes me want to die. and plead with him to be nice then calls me crazy..(and I am).but why????? do i feel i want him to be nice and i know he never will. He makes me feel soo bad. but i keep going back...it´s worse then the alcohol.

Barbara52

So, if he is an X, why are you in contact? Why do you care what he has to say?

lostnspain

he has only been an x for a week

Barbara52

It may be time to decide if he truly is an X then. For me, that would be cutting off contact with him, especially since I would only anticipate further pain and anguish from any contact.

WolfonPlain

maybe im wrong,but it sounds like he can avoid being ashamed of himself if he directs all the blame in your direction

lostnspain

thank you.....I stop drinking when I cut off the relationship..so all this is new. I guess I will naturally feel bad..and I have to deal with that on my own.I have all these feelings of guilt..i don´t know why he cant be a grown up about it and let me go without racking me over the goals emotionally. It cuts to the core of me.

Freedom1990

And that is exactly why no contact is really important, because if you are going to have any shot at recovery from your alcoholism, you have enough emotional issues to sort out without his crap thrown in the mix.

Listen, my ex-husband was extremely abusive, and when I left him after I got out rehab, I was living 2 hours away from him. That didn't stop him from calling, and every time I answered that phone, he too would cut me to the core.

It was doing nothing except hindering my recovery and I felt bad enough about myself as it was.

I finally started hanging up on him, and eventually I didn't even answer the phone.

He finally gave up.

You are sabotaging your own recovery by continuing to be in contact with him.

No, it is NOT easy to leave an abuser because we are left with feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. That is how an abuser works. It's all about power and control over the one they are abusing.

Expecting him to act like a kind and caring man who 'understands' is unrealistic.

Accept that he is what he is, and no more contact if you're serious about your own recovery.

lostnspain

ok...i dont need to go back there..i keep forgetting,,,i have to keep notes up on the walls reminding..so i dont slip into that place again.

lexusgirl

Alcoholics are wonderful at shifting the blame onto someone else, this way they don't look so "bad" and in turn they don't have to face their addiction to booze.

As I was told numerous times, ignore his calls; cut off all contact. I know easier said then done, but in time it does get easier.

Good luck!!

lostnspain

well thank you for the reminder...I will be in america the 7th of may..with people that care about me for real...I get to relearn how to live life. How to love myself.

lostnspain

You are sabotaging your own recovery by continuing to be in contact with him.

No, it is NOT easy to leave an abuser because we are left with feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. That is how an abuser works. It's all about power and control over the one they are abusing.

Expecting him to act like a kind and caring man who 'understands' is unrealistic.
________________________________

this is soo good ..im going to copy it...thanks freedom

lostnspain

Question..I have posted messages every day...and It shows that i havnt ...last post was on 19th..why.?
Is it what I said and if so can you please explain to me what it is that was wrong in my posts...

Barbara52

I see your other posts. They under different forums sometimes but they are there.

angelfromheaven

Have you heard of the book "Codependant no More"?
It may help YOU like so many in similar positions
I am reading it and I was always thinking that I have not too many codependant traits....wrong

lostnspain

THANKS ANGEL...
YES, I read that book when I went through my divorce..I know I´m codependent..IN THIS RELATIONSHIP in the begining he was the enabler..he spoke the truth to me..telling me I didnt have to do so much..he said he didnt want me to doanything for him ..he would rather see me happy then stressed,,but guess what my significance is in doing...I kept doing...resentments built..and then He did things to hurt me to push me away and I wouldn´t let go because I couldn´t stand to be alone,,the rejection..I knew he loved me but..it just cycled into ugliness.. now if i need any money anything he is there always..but he is abusive emotionally now..and probably in the begining it was the same but i saw his control as love...(control is love for those who don´t know how to love in a healthy way)..
THANKS Angel for reminding me..

miss communicat

keep sharing, keep reading, and, I dont know if you are in al-anon or not but there is help for you there. I know this is a drag..

Just for today, put "him" down, just like an alcoholic needs to "put the drink down". Putting down the man means to stop looking at the situation. The solution to your question does NOT reside at the level of the problem. It is not to be found by focusing on him.

Putting down the man means to move forward. He is your X for a reason.

Onward you go!!

lostnspain

ok thanks...I KEEP READING WHEN I HAVE TIME ..I HAVE 4 MORE HOURS OF CLASSES TODAY..

angelfromheaven

He can only do this if YOU allow it

lostnspain

your right,..when i was in the middle of it..i didnt see it.

kj3880

It's hard to see from the middle of things, but now you're on the outside and it's easier to get clarity, right. The main thing, though, is not to obsess about it/him. We have to focus on our own cra@. And there is usually plenty of that to work on, without muddying up the situation with someone else's, isn't there??? Unfortunately, seems there always is. Keep the focus on you for today.
kj