ACOAs as parents - my issues
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 36
ACOAs as parents - my issues
Hi
As a newbie, i am only just starting to think about how my parenting has been affected. I wondered what others' experiences have been?
- I find I have trouble relaxing and having fun with them. I have to make myself be silly and mess around! I am almost afraid to 'play'.
- I am insecure - I worry about whether they really love me or not. Sometimes i feel like they see 'through' me and see all my bad bits. :-(
- I am very anxious watching my toddler interact with other children, in case they are mean to her. Taking her to playgrounds, playgroups etc just fills me with fear.
- I seem to have a shorter fuse than I'd like. I know most parents struggle with discipline. However i feel like I kind of panic when my oldest is deliberately disobedient and some sort of sensible discipline is required, and end up shouting more often than I would like, in particular, using a horrible harsh tone that I hate. I have real trouble with this issue - it has had me in tears more than once. The panic overwhelms me and I don't know what to do. I wonder if it is related to the ACOA characteristic of over-reacting when something out-of-your-control happens.
Anyway I want to change very badly. I have discussed all this with my husband (who is a total star) and he thinks as I make progress with my issues with my mom, i will gradually change naturally.
Can anyone else relate??
As a newbie, i am only just starting to think about how my parenting has been affected. I wondered what others' experiences have been?
- I find I have trouble relaxing and having fun with them. I have to make myself be silly and mess around! I am almost afraid to 'play'.
- I am insecure - I worry about whether they really love me or not. Sometimes i feel like they see 'through' me and see all my bad bits. :-(
- I am very anxious watching my toddler interact with other children, in case they are mean to her. Taking her to playgrounds, playgroups etc just fills me with fear.
- I seem to have a shorter fuse than I'd like. I know most parents struggle with discipline. However i feel like I kind of panic when my oldest is deliberately disobedient and some sort of sensible discipline is required, and end up shouting more often than I would like, in particular, using a horrible harsh tone that I hate. I have real trouble with this issue - it has had me in tears more than once. The panic overwhelms me and I don't know what to do. I wonder if it is related to the ACOA characteristic of over-reacting when something out-of-your-control happens.
Anyway I want to change very badly. I have discussed all this with my husband (who is a total star) and he thinks as I make progress with my issues with my mom, i will gradually change naturally.
Can anyone else relate??
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
You didn't say, but are you in counseling or doing AlAnon or ACoA meetings?
I know that as I went through counseling and learned about *me* (not about them, but about how I deal with them) my fuse got longer, my ability to be silly in public or private increased, my fears of the unknowns decreased and so many other things changed. This is what we refer to when we discuss "finding peace".
I hope you can find peace so that you can be happy with your own parenting skills, and also so your kids can have fun with you.
I know that as I went through counseling and learned about *me* (not about them, but about how I deal with them) my fuse got longer, my ability to be silly in public or private increased, my fears of the unknowns decreased and so many other things changed. This is what we refer to when we discuss "finding peace".
I hope you can find peace so that you can be happy with your own parenting skills, and also so your kids can have fun with you.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hi there howatch, and pleased to "meet" you 
Oh my goodness yes!!!!
I was so afraid I'd mess up my kids I decided never to have any. My "Higher Power" had other plans, and I fell madly in love with a charming young lady that came with a teenage daughter pre-installed. Now _that_ was a test of my recovery. I never knew just how many "shortcomings" I really had until I tried to help raise somebody else's teen-ager.
Everything you said I felt. I can't imagine somebody less equiped to be a parent than yours truly. I got into therapy with a vengance, read every book I could find, took classes, and cornered every single parent at my 12 step meetings for advice. Twenty years later and I remember every single time I made a mistake, _every_ single time.
Our daughter made it abundantly clear exactly what she thinks of my parenting skills. When she was in her early twenties she went thru an ugly divorce. Was trying to raise her own child on her own, living on a meager salary and feeling very, very lonely. She asked me how to go about finding a decent man that would be a good husband and a father.
I gave her the standard al-anon line. Make a list of everything you want, then put it in order from most important to least. Three days later she came to me with _five_ pages of very neatly written list, in her tiny, orderly hand writing. I feared I had given her the wrong advice. She was a bit angry, waved the five pages in my face. "This is wrong" she said as she crumpled up the five pages and stuffed them in the trash. "I don't need any kind of list, all I need is a man that treats me the way you treat my mother".
Now _that_ is the best example of why I am grateful for recovery. That teenager from a broken home grew up to be a fine young lady, with four little ones of her own and an awesome husband who loves them and respects them.
From what you've written here, howatch, it sounds to me like you've got the hardest part of the battle already won. You got yourself a star of a husband and you are _willing_ to improve yourself. What worked for me is exactly what you are doing now. Working on myself, asking others for help, and doing my very best.
Your kids are lucky to have you as their Mom
Mike
Originally Posted by howatch 
... Can anyone else relate??...
I was so afraid I'd mess up my kids I decided never to have any. My "Higher Power" had other plans, and I fell madly in love with a charming young lady that came with a teenage daughter pre-installed. Now _that_ was a test of my recovery. I never knew just how many "shortcomings" I really had until I tried to help raise somebody else's teen-ager.
Everything you said I felt. I can't imagine somebody less equiped to be a parent than yours truly. I got into therapy with a vengance, read every book I could find, took classes, and cornered every single parent at my 12 step meetings for advice. Twenty years later and I remember every single time I made a mistake, _every_ single time.
Our daughter made it abundantly clear exactly what she thinks of my parenting skills. When she was in her early twenties she went thru an ugly divorce. Was trying to raise her own child on her own, living on a meager salary and feeling very, very lonely. She asked me how to go about finding a decent man that would be a good husband and a father.
I gave her the standard al-anon line. Make a list of everything you want, then put it in order from most important to least. Three days later she came to me with _five_ pages of very neatly written list, in her tiny, orderly hand writing. I feared I had given her the wrong advice. She was a bit angry, waved the five pages in my face. "This is wrong" she said as she crumpled up the five pages and stuffed them in the trash. "I don't need any kind of list, all I need is a man that treats me the way you treat my mother".
Now _that_ is the best example of why I am grateful for recovery. That teenager from a broken home grew up to be a fine young lady, with four little ones of her own and an awesome husband who loves them and respects them.
From what you've written here, howatch, it sounds to me like you've got the hardest part of the battle already won. You got yourself a star of a husband and you are _willing_ to improve yourself. What worked for me is exactly what you are doing now. Working on myself, asking others for help, and doing my very best.
Your kids are lucky to have you as their Mom
Mike
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 36
Thank you all for your posts especially Mike for that very encouraging post about your own experiences.
No I am not going to AlAnon. However I have found out where the meetings are near me and the next one I can make is next Sunday. To be honest I probably wouldn't have enough motivation to go if I didn't have kids - I would try and sort myself out alone - but the thought of me passing on any of my baggage on to them makes me crazy!
No I am not going to AlAnon. However I have found out where the meetings are near me and the next one I can make is next Sunday. To be honest I probably wouldn't have enough motivation to go if I didn't have kids - I would try and sort myself out alone - but the thought of me passing on any of my baggage on to them makes me crazy!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 36
Thanks very much Tracee for your post. That is a relief to me to know that you loved your mom and that you knew she loved you, even she shared some of my issues! What a great & inspiring woman she must be, to be in therapy in her fifties. My mom is in her sixties and sometimes I think she will never even consider changing. The whole family has told her she needs therapy but she won't go. I must just keep praying for her. Anyway thank you so much for your supportive words.
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