New here and grateful...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Simi Valley, CA
Posts: 11
New here and grateful...
Hello. While doing a web search for a local meeting, I happened upon this site. I've been lurking for a day or two, but wanted to come out and say hello.
I'm married a bit over 5 years to an A (second marriage for both) who has been drinking for over 30 years.
Two-and-a-half years ago, I said, "Get sober or get out." Nothing. Six months later, I said the same thing. No change. Another six months passed and I said, "Get sober, or don't, but go." He finally left. That was a huge relief. I still love him, but I cannot live with him under these conditions.
That was 18 months ago. I have been going to counseling to Alanon. He did a stint in outpatient rehab, did a tiny bit of AA, and has a sponsor even though he never goes to meetings. He has been in and out of sobriety and, I believe, had done a bit of trading of anxeity meds for the alcohol. Since he moved out, he's had two DUIs, one for alcohol, one for prescription meds. (His court date for the second DUI is coming up. I am staying out of the process.) We went to counseling together for awhile, but he told me that the therapist and I were ganging up on him so he stopped. He has since started individual therapy again.
My biggest obstacle is accepting a higher power. I know it can be a chair, an Alanon group, G-d, or anything. But I so strongly believe we are in charge of our own destiny that I have trouble giving it up to something I just don't get. I've been going to meetings for two-and-a-half years, but have not been able to get past the first step.
HOWEVER, I do still go to meetings whenever I can. I find tremendous comfort in knowing that I can sit in a room full of people, some of whom have been where I am and some who will be where I am now. I am not alone! To hear the experience, strength, and hope of others is what has gotten me through all of this. When I think I will go crazy, I go to my daily readings. When it's too late and I've already gone ballisitic because of something my AH is doing, my episodes are shorter and I'm more prepared to forgive myself (afterall, can't change what I've done already), examine my motives, and do the hard work necessary to not repeat my bad behavior.
And in the meantime, my husband and I still have a fairly good relationship, although he is five miles away. We love each other and I am not ready to call it quits. We both have work to do. He is getting discouraged, though. He believes if we've been separated this long, we will never get back together. My philosopy is that if we get back together now, it is virutally guaranteed that we will not make it!
Okay, thanks for letting me share. I look forward to reading the posts and contributing when I think I can.
Alison
I'm married a bit over 5 years to an A (second marriage for both) who has been drinking for over 30 years.
Two-and-a-half years ago, I said, "Get sober or get out." Nothing. Six months later, I said the same thing. No change. Another six months passed and I said, "Get sober, or don't, but go." He finally left. That was a huge relief. I still love him, but I cannot live with him under these conditions.
That was 18 months ago. I have been going to counseling to Alanon. He did a stint in outpatient rehab, did a tiny bit of AA, and has a sponsor even though he never goes to meetings. He has been in and out of sobriety and, I believe, had done a bit of trading of anxeity meds for the alcohol. Since he moved out, he's had two DUIs, one for alcohol, one for prescription meds. (His court date for the second DUI is coming up. I am staying out of the process.) We went to counseling together for awhile, but he told me that the therapist and I were ganging up on him so he stopped. He has since started individual therapy again.
My biggest obstacle is accepting a higher power. I know it can be a chair, an Alanon group, G-d, or anything. But I so strongly believe we are in charge of our own destiny that I have trouble giving it up to something I just don't get. I've been going to meetings for two-and-a-half years, but have not been able to get past the first step.
HOWEVER, I do still go to meetings whenever I can. I find tremendous comfort in knowing that I can sit in a room full of people, some of whom have been where I am and some who will be where I am now. I am not alone! To hear the experience, strength, and hope of others is what has gotten me through all of this. When I think I will go crazy, I go to my daily readings. When it's too late and I've already gone ballisitic because of something my AH is doing, my episodes are shorter and I'm more prepared to forgive myself (afterall, can't change what I've done already), examine my motives, and do the hard work necessary to not repeat my bad behavior.
And in the meantime, my husband and I still have a fairly good relationship, although he is five miles away. We love each other and I am not ready to call it quits. We both have work to do. He is getting discouraged, though. He believes if we've been separated this long, we will never get back together. My philosopy is that if we get back together now, it is virutally guaranteed that we will not make it!
Okay, thanks for letting me share. I look forward to reading the posts and contributing when I think I can.
Alison
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi Alison and welcome!
I have met a lot of people in the program who have a hard time with the idea of a Higher Power. How about believing in the best part of yourself as your Higher Power? The spiritual side of you. I don't know if that would work for you or not, but I heard someone in the program say that it works for them.
Peace,
Gabe
Peace,
Gabe
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hi Allison
A Big WELCOME to you !
You sound like a lady with her stuff together
its so neat meeting so many people working the
program. I contribute alanon and my HP as saving my
life last year when I hit bottom.
Good luck in your search for a power higher then yourself
we all muct find our own way to get there.
Keep coming back !
Hugs
liddy
A Big WELCOME to you !
You sound like a lady with her stuff together
its so neat meeting so many people working the
program. I contribute alanon and my HP as saving my
life last year when I hit bottom.
Good luck in your search for a power higher then yourself
we all muct find our own way to get there.
Keep coming back !
Hugs
liddy
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
finding a HP restored my sanity
Well, my experience with my A is what led me to become a Christian.
I was sooooo lost, isolated, alone, and unable to function that I didn't know what to do. I was basically living in a paralysis of sorts for a long time.
A friend gave me some books to read, and I started wondering about God.... wondering what He'd tell me if I could speak to him in person.
I started reading quotes from Jesus in the new testament, just to see what he'd said, cause I sure never read the Bible before. Never went to church, etc.
I read in John that God wants each of us to have a "joyous and abundant" life.
If there is a life that is NOT "joyous and abundant" it's living under the same roof with a drunk.
So, I realized that God didn't mean for my life to be the way it was. God didn't mean for people to spend their lives in an alcoholic fog. He didn't intend for us to get hurt in the process.
Maybe that sounds overly simplistic to you, but that's what got me out of my pit.
For me, having faith that God cared about me set me free from trying to get love and attention from my A. After I realized that an A can't give love, I stopped trying to get water from an empty well.
I was sooooo lost, isolated, alone, and unable to function that I didn't know what to do. I was basically living in a paralysis of sorts for a long time.
A friend gave me some books to read, and I started wondering about God.... wondering what He'd tell me if I could speak to him in person.
I started reading quotes from Jesus in the new testament, just to see what he'd said, cause I sure never read the Bible before. Never went to church, etc.
I read in John that God wants each of us to have a "joyous and abundant" life.
If there is a life that is NOT "joyous and abundant" it's living under the same roof with a drunk.
So, I realized that God didn't mean for my life to be the way it was. God didn't mean for people to spend their lives in an alcoholic fog. He didn't intend for us to get hurt in the process.
Maybe that sounds overly simplistic to you, but that's what got me out of my pit.
For me, having faith that God cared about me set me free from trying to get love and attention from my A. After I realized that an A can't give love, I stopped trying to get water from an empty well.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
Alison,
Yes you need to find the power with in. There is a fantastic book by Eckhart Toll called, The Power Of Now. This book can help with all aspects of your life. Please read it you will find a new sense of peace is waiting for you. All my prayers
maryl
Yes you need to find the power with in. There is a fantastic book by Eckhart Toll called, The Power Of Now. This book can help with all aspects of your life. Please read it you will find a new sense of peace is waiting for you. All my prayers
maryl
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Simi Valley, CA
Posts: 11
Thanks all, for your kind words.
I'm still open to the idea of a HP, but just struggling a bit. I'll get there, I'm sure. In the meantime, I still do what I am capable of in Alanon. For someone who has trouble getting past the first step, I still feel like I've come a LONG way.
Alison
I'm still open to the idea of a HP, but just struggling a bit. I'll get there, I'm sure. In the meantime, I still do what I am capable of in Alanon. For someone who has trouble getting past the first step, I still feel like I've come a LONG way.
Alison
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Alison
I also want to welcome you. Pernell, one of our wonderful moderators here, said once that GOD can be Good Orderly Direction, and that made so much sense to me.
I am a Christian and very spiritual, but I also believe that people find their own spiritual source through many different methods.
I have heard some use the power of their 12-step group as a higher power, and others use the wonder and beauty of nature and all it brings with each season and the changing of tides.
Please do not feel that you must have traditional religous values to be able to work the steps. Just take time to recognize that something greater than yourself can help you find peace in your life.
I also want to welcome you. Pernell, one of our wonderful moderators here, said once that GOD can be Good Orderly Direction, and that made so much sense to me.
I am a Christian and very spiritual, but I also believe that people find their own spiritual source through many different methods.
I have heard some use the power of their 12-step group as a higher power, and others use the wonder and beauty of nature and all it brings with each season and the changing of tides.
Please do not feel that you must have traditional religous values to be able to work the steps. Just take time to recognize that something greater than yourself can help you find peace in your life.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Alison,
There are many of us out there... Those that are not of any religious denomination, yet KNOW somehow that we are not alone. I am one of them also. In my teenage years I was attracted to the metaphysical; I read horoscopes, investigated my past lives, went to Psychics... I wanted to figure out WHO I was, and WHY I was. But there none of it ever panned out... it was fun, but it held no solidity.
For years, on into my 20's, I still had no spirituality... And I began to completely push away the idea of organized religion; there were so many wackos out there! A good friend of ours became a Christian... We thought he must be crazy.
And in 1999, I gave birth to my 2nd child, a baby girl... who was born with HLHS - Normal in every other way, except that her tiny heart only developed with 3 chambers instead of 4. This little miracle was a huge awakening to my own spirituality.
Our little girl, Lauren Hope, received a new heart a 2 1/2 months old, and lived until she was 15 months. Lauren died during a routine biopsy procedure on the first anniversary of her heart transplant - there was no rejection, Lauren was not sick... there was a complication during her biopsy, and her little heart was torn beyond repair.
It is only now that I am beginning to recognize how my HP has taken care of me all my life, and ESPECIALLY during the difficult times with my daughter. We had to be in Loma Linda, CA for Lauren's transplant... we LIVE in Canada. We had at the time a 20 month old boy, whose whole world was turned upsidown when we suddenly moved to a new country for 9 months. But somehow, and by no coincidence, we were blessed with a son who had the most easy going personality. He was quiet and subdued, took everything in stride, never complained, never cried... he was amazing. Almost as if he KNEW mom and dad needed to take care of Lauren right then. (
he is 6 now... and is NOT so easy going lol)
And when Lauren died, I received my gift... my own personal message from my HP - that he was real, that he DID exist, and that it was time to start opening up my heart.
Shortly after Lauren passed away, a nurse enetered the room we were gathered in. I was holding my daughter in my arms, completely numb to what had just happened. The nurse was in tears; she could barely talk. She said:
"I had to talk to you... I had to tell you what happened in there (in the OR). I was with Lauren the whole time... I held her hand while they were putting her to sleep... during the procedure... and even when her BP suddenly dropped; I never let my grip go. And something happened today - I can't explain it. I am NOT a religious person... but as Lauren was dying, I saw something. I felt a warmth from her fingers to mine, and I looked up and saw angels above her bed. They were in a circle of light above her... I wanted you to know".
And then she left... still in tears, and in shock.
From that day on, I felt different. I honestly felt my heart open just a tiny bit.
I still have trouble figuring out WHO and WHAT I am and where I belong... but I am slowly receiving my answers thru my HP. For me, as long as I can surrender... let go of the thought that I am in control, than I begin to grow a little bit more spiritualy, and begin to receive lifes lessons along the way.
I only wanted to share this with you beacuse I KNOW exactly how you feel...
Open your heart to the possiblities, and you'll be guided too
Take care
Meg
There are many of us out there... Those that are not of any religious denomination, yet KNOW somehow that we are not alone. I am one of them also. In my teenage years I was attracted to the metaphysical; I read horoscopes, investigated my past lives, went to Psychics... I wanted to figure out WHO I was, and WHY I was. But there none of it ever panned out... it was fun, but it held no solidity.
For years, on into my 20's, I still had no spirituality... And I began to completely push away the idea of organized religion; there were so many wackos out there! A good friend of ours became a Christian... We thought he must be crazy.
And in 1999, I gave birth to my 2nd child, a baby girl... who was born with HLHS - Normal in every other way, except that her tiny heart only developed with 3 chambers instead of 4. This little miracle was a huge awakening to my own spirituality.
Our little girl, Lauren Hope, received a new heart a 2 1/2 months old, and lived until she was 15 months. Lauren died during a routine biopsy procedure on the first anniversary of her heart transplant - there was no rejection, Lauren was not sick... there was a complication during her biopsy, and her little heart was torn beyond repair.
It is only now that I am beginning to recognize how my HP has taken care of me all my life, and ESPECIALLY during the difficult times with my daughter. We had to be in Loma Linda, CA for Lauren's transplant... we LIVE in Canada. We had at the time a 20 month old boy, whose whole world was turned upsidown when we suddenly moved to a new country for 9 months. But somehow, and by no coincidence, we were blessed with a son who had the most easy going personality. He was quiet and subdued, took everything in stride, never complained, never cried... he was amazing. Almost as if he KNEW mom and dad needed to take care of Lauren right then. (
he is 6 now... and is NOT so easy going lol)And when Lauren died, I received my gift... my own personal message from my HP - that he was real, that he DID exist, and that it was time to start opening up my heart.
Shortly after Lauren passed away, a nurse enetered the room we were gathered in. I was holding my daughter in my arms, completely numb to what had just happened. The nurse was in tears; she could barely talk. She said:
"I had to talk to you... I had to tell you what happened in there (in the OR). I was with Lauren the whole time... I held her hand while they were putting her to sleep... during the procedure... and even when her BP suddenly dropped; I never let my grip go. And something happened today - I can't explain it. I am NOT a religious person... but as Lauren was dying, I saw something. I felt a warmth from her fingers to mine, and I looked up and saw angels above her bed. They were in a circle of light above her... I wanted you to know".
And then she left... still in tears, and in shock.
From that day on, I felt different. I honestly felt my heart open just a tiny bit.
I still have trouble figuring out WHO and WHAT I am and where I belong... but I am slowly receiving my answers thru my HP. For me, as long as I can surrender... let go of the thought that I am in control, than I begin to grow a little bit more spiritualy, and begin to receive lifes lessons along the way.
I only wanted to share this with you beacuse I KNOW exactly how you feel...
Open your heart to the possiblities, and you'll be guided too
Take care
Meg
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Simi Valley, CA
Posts: 11
Okay, so y'all know I have trouble with this whole higher power thing............
I'm driving home with my kids from dinner ten minutes before a f2f meeting is to start. I decide to drop them at home and go to the meeting. That is so out of character for me, I always PLAN when I'm going to go to meetings (how typical alanon is that?????).
I get to the meeting, start with the usual routine, then our short break before sharing. Bzzzz...my phone goes off. I get a text message from my husband saying, "I think it's over, Ali. I am a hopeless drunk and a drug addict. The quicker you divorce me, the quicker you will be released from my personal debts."
Mind you, my husband has not sent me a text message EVER. The only reason he did was because he thought my email was down today.
My old behavior...
Stop everything I'm doing and call him. He usually drops these bombs on me then won't answer the phone. And I, like a bulldog, keep calling and calling until he finally picks up the phone. He hangs up on me a few times, then will talk to me, and it only gets worse from there. My issue is that I want to control his thinking and fix it. We'll get through the financial mess, it's the drinking and drugging I worry about and I want him to think like I do! HA!
Today's behavior...
Well, I was in the middle of the meeting. I did not call him. I did not message back. I sat through the meeting and listened and contributed. The topic was Steps 2 and 3 and giving up control. Well, even though I have trouble with the HP thing, I did give it up tonight. Something told me to go to a meeting even though I was not really feeling a need and it was somewhat impulsive of me.
***The reason I was at the meeting was so that I would not react to that message! By the time I got home, I was not nuts. I was calm. Played some cribbage online. Kissed my kiddies goodnight, then came here. Wow, what a change for me to not react to one of his bombs. I'm still amazed that I was able to NOT react, even 3 hours later.***
So what got me to my meeting tonight? Could it be a HP?
I'm laughing. Thanks for letting me share.
Ali
I'm driving home with my kids from dinner ten minutes before a f2f meeting is to start. I decide to drop them at home and go to the meeting. That is so out of character for me, I always PLAN when I'm going to go to meetings (how typical alanon is that?????).
I get to the meeting, start with the usual routine, then our short break before sharing. Bzzzz...my phone goes off. I get a text message from my husband saying, "I think it's over, Ali. I am a hopeless drunk and a drug addict. The quicker you divorce me, the quicker you will be released from my personal debts."
Mind you, my husband has not sent me a text message EVER. The only reason he did was because he thought my email was down today.
My old behavior...
Stop everything I'm doing and call him. He usually drops these bombs on me then won't answer the phone. And I, like a bulldog, keep calling and calling until he finally picks up the phone. He hangs up on me a few times, then will talk to me, and it only gets worse from there. My issue is that I want to control his thinking and fix it. We'll get through the financial mess, it's the drinking and drugging I worry about and I want him to think like I do! HA!
Today's behavior...
Well, I was in the middle of the meeting. I did not call him. I did not message back. I sat through the meeting and listened and contributed. The topic was Steps 2 and 3 and giving up control. Well, even though I have trouble with the HP thing, I did give it up tonight. Something told me to go to a meeting even though I was not really feeling a need and it was somewhat impulsive of me.
***The reason I was at the meeting was so that I would not react to that message! By the time I got home, I was not nuts. I was calm. Played some cribbage online. Kissed my kiddies goodnight, then came here. Wow, what a change for me to not react to one of his bombs. I'm still amazed that I was able to NOT react, even 3 hours later.***
So what got me to my meeting tonight? Could it be a HP?
I'm laughing. Thanks for letting me share.
Ali
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: fresno Ca
Posts: 68
Ali,
What a bomb hon, but you took it very gracefully. I must say I admire your will power and self motivation.
You are succeeding where many of us are working our ways to true self- freedom. Not letting their inability to deal with life affect you. I will say you are my HERO!!!
Lots of hugs from me and stay strong, you are doing a beautiful job:redfinger
maryl
What a bomb hon, but you took it very gracefully. I must say I admire your will power and self motivation.
You are succeeding where many of us are working our ways to true self- freedom. Not letting their inability to deal with life affect you. I will say you are my HERO!!!
Lots of hugs from me and stay strong, you are doing a beautiful job:redfinger
maryl
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 94
(((ALI)))
Thank you for sharing! I, too, feel totally amazed and very grateful that I'm learning that I have the CHOICE to NOT REACT. It is my choice, I choose NOT to react. My choice, my choice. These two little words ring in my ears now as I go through each moment of the day. I can choose to accept or reject someone's behavior. Focusing upon "what is good for me" or even "GOD for me" makes it easier. It's self-defense! Let go, Let God! Wow!
(((HUGS)))
Thank you for sharing! I, too, feel totally amazed and very grateful that I'm learning that I have the CHOICE to NOT REACT. It is my choice, I choose NOT to react. My choice, my choice. These two little words ring in my ears now as I go through each moment of the day. I can choose to accept or reject someone's behavior. Focusing upon "what is good for me" or even "GOD for me" makes it easier. It's self-defense! Let go, Let God! Wow!
(((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Alison, Welcome!!
I have been away for a week and this is the first post I read. What a powerful post. You all amaze me with your lives and your insight.
(((((Meg)))))), thanks for sharing your experience with your daughter and your higher power. It gives me goosebumps as I believe the angels were there. God is surely there for us as he was there for your little one.
I have been away for a week and this is the first post I read. What a powerful post. You all amaze me with your lives and your insight.
(((((Meg)))))), thanks for sharing your experience with your daughter and your higher power. It gives me goosebumps as I believe the angels were there. God is surely there for us as he was there for your little one.
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