makeachange

For those of you who have read my posts, you know that I've been thinking/planning on leaving my marriage. I had been keeping it secret, but my AH who is generally never perceptive started questioning me last Thursday night. Before I knew it, all of it was out in the open. First he railed, then he cried and begged. And yes, I'm weak and a coward and I gave in. I'm just so tired. I want to believe. I want him to be someone he isn't. The entire weekend went well, as did Monday and Tuesday. Then things began to slide.

Today we are more into our old "roles" with each other. He says I'm blowing this out of proportion and trying to pick a fight just so I have an excuse to divorce him. I'm asking you guys for perspective I guess. We have a 16 year old dd who only has a driver's permit; she can't drive alone yet. She has extra-curricular activities four weeknights each week, plus she makes plans on the weekends. It runs me ragged, and understandably I get tired. On Thursday nights, I teach a night class for adults who didn't earn their high school diplomas (extra money/extra hours for me beyond the school day) and usually take our daughter to dance afterwards. Because it's close to recital time, our daughter has to be at rehearsal early. I called AH during my planning time and reminded him (for like the 4th time this week) that this was happening and that he would need to drive her(or let her drive and ride with her there). I specifically said to him that he shouldn't have anything to drink until after he dropped her off at 6:45 because of this and even asked him if he understood. He said he did.

This afternoon, I was sitting on the back deck enjoying the beautiful afternoon when he and his secretary (also a close friend - long story) come home from playing a round of golf!?! She asks me when daughter needs to be at dance and if she needs to get dinner first. I ask her why and she tells me it's because she is going to take care of it because AH asked her to so he can "sit on the patio and continue getting good and drunk like he started out on the golf course." It flies all over me! I can't really address it with him at the time because the secretary is there and then another person related to a job matter comes over.

Just before I leave to go to night class my AH asks me what my problem is and I told him. He, of course, thinks I'm being ridiculous. To me, though, it's just another example of him putting alcohol and his "I want to party" lifestyle ahead of his family. No wonder our daughter hates him. No wonder she has no respect for him. He calls me while I'm on my way and tells me that I'm being unfair and that I'm looking for a reason to divorce him and that I might as well just do it because he'll never be good enough in my eyes. He hangs up on me and doesn't give me a chance to speak. He calls back and tells me I'm totally over-reacting, that he had only had two beers. (Well, I am no idiot. That's what he had at home, not including what he had at the golf course and lunch and who knows where else.) Then he started texting me wanting to know why it wasn't enough that he was sitting at home every night instead of going to bars. What did I want him to do next, go to church? I just don't get it. How can he beg me to stay with him and be willing to give up everything for me, for us just a week ago and be back to all of his old tricks today? I am such a fool...

T

really_fed_up

Hi T,

I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain...your AH is acting selfish and irrational--both traits of someone so deep in denial of their disease that they make "everyone else" the cause of it. But you aren't "picking fights" when you bring up these issues; you are telling it like it is, and he can't handle the truth (not to sound like a movie, but it's true) because he cannot see that he has a problem...and no counseling, advice, or truth-telling will make him see that he has a problem until he is ready to see it himself.
I guess what it comes down to is: how long do you want to continue to live with his alcoholism? My perspective is slightly different because the A in my life is my sister...but I can tell you that when I'd had enough, I had HAD enough. And so I stopped trying to get her to see the reality of her situation and instead let her fall on her own. Do you think you are at that point?

peaceteach

Honey, you are not a fool. You are trying to navigate this situation in a rational way but are dealing with an irrational person. Nothing he says while being an active alcoholic will be said by a mature, loving husband or parent. It's impossible for him, and just self-defeating for you to try and convince him any longer. Until he finds sobriety, which doesn't sound like any time soon, this will be your same conversation over and over, with insane results. Making the change is so difficult, deciding when you have had enough. I decided when I found myself curled up in bed unable to get up, knowing that I myself was going to go down with my ex-ah if I didn't say "no more". This was way past the arguing and trying to rationalize with him. It was one of the lowest points in my life. But I realized that I needed to catch myself before it was too late. Someone had to take care of the kids, and that someone was me. It wasn't easy, but from the first day of separation, the peace and calm was restored physically in my home, allowing me to live a normal life and work on gaining the peace I needed inside of me.

You're not a fool. Don't ever think that. You are just a sane, rational mother who is living an insane existence right now. Be strong, take care of YOU, don't try to engage your alcoholic anymore as it just brings frustration and hopelessness to you.

Barbara52

Np you are not a fool. You are someone who cares and hopes. That is a good thing.

As to him, his behaviors and choices, well, I think he is making it pretty clear where his priorities lie.

What's left is for you to figure out what you want to do about it. {hugs}

LorraeOz

Hi Makeachange,

You and I are in the same position. I too had a "I think the marriage is over" conversation last week. I gave in arguing with him and we are carrying on as normal.

Your AH sounds like mine, he'll say "I've only had 2 beers" while he's slurring and swaying -yeah right! He's even on CAMPRAL (the drug to counter the cravings) and he's still drinking!. He's supposed to not drink at all on that medication. His rationalisation - "I'm trying and at least I'm drinking less". Huh!

I think you'll come to a point (and I think you are close) when you realise you need to do something. There is no point trying to rationalise with them, I truly believe their minds and thought processes are as diseased as their bodies.

I have an appointment with a new lawyer on Tuesday and once I've had that visit I will be finding a time when our kids are away or asleep and he's sober (could be difficult -ha) and I will tell him we will be separating. I'm ready for the anger, denial, begging etc etc. I will remain firm. Until then, I wake up sick to the stomach and can barely concentrate on anything. This is the right thing for me and my kids.

Hope you find the right solution for you.

all the best.

FormerDoormat

You aren't being ridiculous and unreasonable, HE is. That's why it's important to ignore all the BS active alcoholics spew to convince their loved ones to take care of all their responsibilities so they can sit back and get good and plastered.

His words were just lies. His actions tell the truth. They say absolutely nothing has changed. Since he's not willing to change, the change has to come from you.

For me (and most of the people on this forum), the only solution was to end my relationship. I'd much rather go it alone than tolerate life with an active alcoholic.

Pajarito

Good grief- are they all this textbook- or what? I am betting you over half of us on this forum have heard these very words. "I'll never be good enough in your eyes!" The best thing about being separated from my AH is not having the hear that! Ugh!!!

You are not trying to pick a fight. You are trying to survive something only we can really understand. It is insanity. I tried to figure it out for years. Life is too short to play someone else's game- with them changing the rules and yelling cheater, cheater and throwing tantrums every time you try to stand up for yourself.

I can only tell you that it is insane to try to figure him out. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. It's hard, but once you start- even baby steps will get you to a place where you can start to see the reality. You are not unreasonable. (((Take care of you)))

hadenoughnow

He is trying to manipulate you, he wants to persue his addiction with no interventions. Your attempts to get him to act like a responsible father and adult are cramping his style. Anyone who does not enable or look the other way while he does what he wants is the enemy. You are not being unreasonable, he is behaving like a two year old having a tantrum. I heard all the same crap (exactly the same words, "only two beers" , "ridiculous", "excuse to divorce me", "over-reacting"). I threw him out and we will be divorced soon and he STILL calls me and says the same crap.

You are not wrong or over-reacting. Engaging with him or trying to get him to see your point of view is probably a waste time though.

Shivaya

I can't tell you how many times I've heard this from my ah! I've always known that I was not "blowing things out of proportion", but never had the guts to stand up for myself.

Well....now I do have "the guts" to tell him that I am being perfectly reasonable in the things I ask of him.

I also can't tell you how many times my ah has said this....I can remember that our marriage is "falling apart", why is it that he always seems to forget that fact? Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes.

I see a therapist, read al-anon literature/attend mtgs., and read here. I am in sefl-discovery mode, big time.

He......well....he has "cut back" on his drinking............has been more "involved" with family activities...........no self-discovery going on here!

I can't tell you how many times I've heard this from my ah. Does getting intoxicated at home really deserve "Praise"???? Do they have any idea how stupid and crazy this sounds?

Bottom line...........in my opinion...........you are not trying to "pick a fight". Sounds like you are trying to do what I'm doing in my relationship with ah......Communicating!!!!! I've told my ah many times that I am no longer in the business of accepting unacceptable behavior....from anyone!

Ah is upset b/c I call him on his "stuff" now. I don't take any *rap!!!

I feel I'm starting to ramble so I'm going to take a break..........

Shivaya

:chatter