ImJulie

It occured to me at the meeting this morning, that every room I walk into I feel like the new kid at school.
And to be honest...Im really really bad at making friends.
I dont know how to do it.
(Plus, I seem to be a magnet for whackos)

I know Im not the first woman alcoholic/addict who has trouble liking and trusting other women. So right away...that means I limit myself to male friends. Go figure...I alienate women even more when I only hang out with men.

I want to open myself up to the possibility of female friendships (I guess maybe here at SR is a start), but I have all this gross baggage and preconceived ideas about women.

I hate being the new kid at school.

Anna

Oh, I had that problem too. I never really connected with women. And, I always blamed them, of course, not me.

As I started recovery, I realized that it was issues I had that had caused me to not form friendships with women. I removed a few people from my life right at the outset of recovery, and I was surprised to find that two amazing women came into my life almost immediately and later, more followed. It was meant to be.

Katecan

I can relate to you. What friends I have are mostly men. For some strange reason, I have a trust problem with women. Even in the work place, I avoid jobs that have me working with other women. Today, I'm the only women in an all male sales team. Go figure. I'd like to change that, I'm sure I'm missing out on something here.

Searching80

Hope you overcome that, Julie. I have a hard time meeting friends too. It's one of the things that makes it hard for me to stop drinking. I know it would help to find more positive things to do with positive people. Sitting around my apartment or bars drinking is no way to live.

Good luck. Maybe the answer is to just go out and try. Strike up a conversation with a woman who seems positive and kind.

Katecan

Just wondering.....could it be that I found I fit in more with men because drinking is more acceptable for them (society wise, I mean)? Not sure if that makes sense.

MagicMan08

eh, women when it comes to other women are kind of weird...hehehe Depends on who you are around whether it is acceptable or not....And men are men and it is a different kind of friendship right off the bat because of that difference....

Astro

I had a hard time making friends in the rooms too Julie, I know you're not alone. I'm happy to say that the best friendships I have now are with other men, and there's a reason for that.

What I've learned over the last few years in recovery is that I was looking for acceptance from women after having a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships and marriages. And while I did find that acceptance, I also found hurt and pain when they didn't pay attention to me, or when I became obsessed with someone who didn't feel the same ways about me. It was that and a few other issues that led me to CoDA.

It took awhile, but smiling at others and shaking hands still brings me the gift of friends that I trust, and the longer I work on myself the more I can see that I'm capable of having healthy friendships with men and women alike.

fallingdown

I never had a hard time making friends but I usually had a hard time keeping them because I neglected them like everything and everyone else in my life. But for the past five years or so I have come to understand the importance of female relationships in my life and I do a better job of nurturing and maintaining them. I have one best girlfriend who knows absolutely every ugly thing about me and tells me I'm loveable anyway. I have another one whose psyche, habits, beliefs and passions very closely mirror my own. And another who is almost my complete opposite hence we are compatible (go figure). And a couple more who I would die for. I could not get through life without my girls. When you stop seeing women as rivals and start seeing them as kindred spirits who are just trying to get through life like you are, you can really learn a lot. There is at least one really remarkable thing about (almost) every woman I have ever met. And I have also found that in the workplace, things get done so much more efficiently when we get over the fear of working together. Yes I understand all about feeling intimidated by other women, but I learned how to get over it and my life has been richer because of it.

(p.s. that does not mean we all get along all the time because we don't, but I have learned how to love my friends as I want to be loved, unconditionally)

GlassPrisoner

My cell phone currently has maybe 30-40 numbers in it. When I was drinking, it had 2. My best friend and my Mom.

Most alcoholics, self included, are uncomfortable in new, social situations. After a while in the program, and step work (5 in partuicluar for feeling "a part of"), these feelings diminish.

At least that was my experience.

mle-sober

Hey,

Did you notice that your quote at the bottom of your post is from a woman? I am a woman and I love my women friends so much. They are wise and witty and can listen as long as I can talk. I have 3 best friends each of whom I would trust with my husband, my children and my life. I'm also very, very close to my mom and another woman who took me in when I was a teenager, although not my 2 sisters for some reason. I'd give my life for either one of them but we just don't relate very well.

I don't have many male friends. I have 1 who is a lifelong friend and then my husband. I find, though, that I can't have the same deep intellectual and emotional connection with either of them that I have with my femal friends. I find they don't listen very well and are more selfish in terms of how they give of themselves in the relationship. That's not a judgement - just an observation that helps me keep myself from giving too much and then getting hurt because it's not returned. What works well to be friends with them is if we do things together and keep it light.

So basically, I find my female friendships to be emotional (surprise) and my male friendships to be sort of functional (hmmm.)

I don't seek new friendships at all right now - I have 4 boys to raise and a career. And then I already feel full in my life with my friends. I guess I'm luck.

One place I know I would make female friends if I wanted to would be through volunteering. Every time I've volunteered, there's been at least one other woman who I could've been friends with. I've volunteered at shelters, with Salvation Army, the Red Cross and at a local hospital. Even if you don't want to be friends in a long term way, it's an easy and safe way to have some social interaction.

Good luck!

fallingdown

Anyone have a couple of female dogs? Now there's an interesting way to understand the complexities of female relationships...lol....

warrens

Interesting thread. After reading the second or third post, I thought maybe I was in the women's lockerroom! I had to check.

The only generalization I know to be accurate is that generalizations are generally inaccurate.

I have always had very close female friends. For some reason, once women realize that I am not "grazing" they seem to be attracted as friends and confidants. I have no reason why. I do know that some lovers were very threatened by this. They couldn't believe that my phone wasn't "roaming."

Male friends have always been "buddies." That's not a shallow thing or a bad thing. But I am much more comfortable talking with a close female friend about love, sex, relationships, and emotions. I have no idea why. Perhaps we males are supposed not to have such issues and thus don't admit to them to one another. We talk about money, success, achievement, etc.

Silly world...

warren

Ananda

This is a very interesting thread.

I have alot of female freinds that I spend a lot of time with. For about 15 years I had as little contact with men as possible, but that changed when I went to treatment. 65 people, 1/2 men saw me at 6am in my robe!

I now have relationships with both sexes, but I do focus more and share more with the women.

I have found that when I have a freindship with a man it is a very real possiblity that one or the other of us will end up drawn to more than just a friendship...although I wouldn't say it's purely sexual in nature.

So - having been the one fallen for and the one falling....I just try to develop my female friends and enjoy my male freinds as aquointences (sorry for the spelling).

I'm sure my views and attitudes will change over time, but this is all huge change for me after wanting nothing to do with men for so many years.

frstnm

just a thought
how about speaking about it in a meeting and letting people know that you would like to meet new people (esp females) I have met both by simply asking for help as well
:ghug

tennis71

I am the same way, I am not outgoing and usually people have to approach me before I talk to them. Try this, it works - the next meeting you go to offer to sweep or clean up afterwards, or see if they need help setting up prior to the next meeting.

I am finding that getting involved in the little things really has helped me to be more open and outgoing and I am feeling like less of an outsider.

Thanks for sharing!

ImJulie

Im really glad I started this thread. Its encouraging me to challenge some of the ways I think. And if Ive learned anything in my 49 days of sobriety...its that I NEED to challenge the way I think.

So...Im thinking that maybe I make friends with men because its the "easier, softer way".
Its a piece of cake to make friends with men. Plus, I will shamefully admit...it feeds my ego. And for someone who feels crappy about herself most of the time, it feels pretty good to have my ego fed.
For some reason, Ive always had this belief that my looks were the things that would open doors for me. I have this unhealthy "need" to be the prettiest girl in the room. My clothes need to be nicer....my hair and makeup perfect, and my closet is filled with shoes to match every outfit.
Ive never made friends easily. In fact, I always stood on the sidelines and wondered why I was so different...what was wrong
with me that nobody wanted to be my friend?
Then puberty hit.
And the friends started showing up....always boys.The more time I spent on my looks, the more male friends I aquired....and the more I seemed to alienate women.
I think I screwed up somewhere in my thinking...and my thinking became my belief.
The belief was that the only thing of value that I had to offer was a pretty face.
Wow...now that I type that and read it...it sounds so messed up.
No wonder I got so scared, almost physically sick when I started thinking that this year might
be the year to retire the bikini. At 38, my body is playing some tricks on me and that bikini doesnt look as good as it once did.
Well OMG...whats a girl to do when all she's ever relied on was her pretty clothes, manicured nails and a shirt that showed off cleavage?!
Hmmm, time to work on the inside I suppose.
Its kinda scary...Im not sure what Ill find in there once I start digging.
Its kinda exciting too though....its like Im giving myself the power and freedom to define who Julie is....who she really is.

gypsytears

Nice topic for a thread Julie. I don't go to meetings so that aspect is null for me but I do know what you (and others) are saying about making friends with women. Hard for me too.

tanyapmc

Glad you started this thread too. I find that the longer I stay sober the easier it is to reach out to women. I find alot of friends and support in a women's meeting that I go to also.

Ananda

Hello again,

Yeah...it really messed me up that when I hit puberty I grew really big boobs really fast. That, and other aspects of my past made me have to deal with the whole sexual idenity thing way before I was really ready emotionally. I'm 49. I have also struggled in sobriety in that I now have a better looking body than I have since I was 20. I'm not ever quite sure how to deal with it.

But...It really is about ME learning to accept my sexuallity and not about others (I can make it that way )

The women around me have been so supportive and kind, it has really been a great plus. Can you find a mentor (or sponsor of sorts) to work through this stuff with? That helps me.

We will struggle through our karma together

hope45

Well, here on SR you could look like quasimodo for all we know. The only thing people know about you is what comes through in your writing and I for one, think you sound pretty great!