howatch

OK now i have found this wonderful forum I would like to ask you all for some advice!!

My mom is currently getting tests done to see if she needs a serious operation.

My present status is 'disowned' and so she and my father (codependent but not alcoholic) did not even contact me on my birthday recently, which hurt me very much.

Right before i was disowned, I asked them to keep me updated as to her physical health, operations etc., and they have not done so, saying I don't deserve to hear anything from them. They don't seem to care that this leaves me worrying in ignorance.

Furthermore, her birthday is coming up.

Should I :

(a) send her anything for her birthday ..... or take them at their word, when they said I don't have a mother anymore?

(b) contact them to ask what is going on with her health?

Or should I just wait for them to reach out to me??? I think my father will not be able to cope alone with my mother, and at some point, he will crack. I am very worried about him and think he will get depressed or even suicidal.

I also know that my mother will treat any contact from me as a 'victory' and be highly obnoxious about it. However, it will also make it harder for her to typecast me as a the villain of the piece .... and it might make me feel guilt-free.

All thoughts and experiences extremely welcome!

GiveLove

It's tough dealing with alcoholic parents, to be sure. And as ACoAs, we always seem to walk around this corn maze of confusing emotions, trying to figure out the right path to take....

What do you WANT to do? Notice in your gut that there is a world of difference between wanting to do something more than anything else, and obsessing over "doing the right thing", making choices that will shed a positive light on how others feel about us.

What's your goal in this situation? To change/improve the way they think about you by being the good kid? To head off any guilty feelings you may have in the future, if something bad happens? To help your dad (even though he doesn't want help at this point) Or something else? Only you can know why it's so important for you to climb over their "don't contact us" and force your way into their life at this point.

Is it really what's right for you?

I say this as someone whose birthday has been forgotten at least 40 out of the 46 I've spent on this planet....I know how hurtful that is. But if they have said "don't contact us" you have to question why, down deep, it's so important for you to do so.

Why do you think?

howatch

Hi GiveLove
Thanks SO much for taking the time to write that. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it right now. A lot.

My siblings haven't been disowned (even though we have all been saying the same things!) and my parents are being very polite and nicely behaved to them, since disowning me.

So my siblings are feeling happier about the situation and are sending gifts for her birthday. They have started telling me not to take stuff so personally! I suspect they just want a quiet life with no more family rows. If it wasn't for the support of my husband I don't know what I would do.

Anyway it's even harder against this background to not send anything.

However, you are absolutely spot-on about my motivations - not to be seen as a bad daughter, not to be accused of having ruined her final months if she dies, not to be accused of being cold and unsupportive while she is having operations and so forth.

I suppose another motivation was to give them an opt-out clause. My mom tends to lash out and say awful things and then retract them later and say she didn't mean it, she only said it because we hurt her so badly, what do we expect, etc, etc.

I felt that if I sent a card it might give her pride sufficient relief to pick up the phone, as I would be the one breaking the silence.

If I don't send a card.... I will certainly be in the family sin-bin, big time! :-)

I am sick of all this and want to 'take her at her word'. I suppose in my gut I am sick of being treated so badly. I can't believe they have disowned me! All I said was I needed a break from seeing them every 2-3 weeks and it needed to be less frequent under the current circumstances, and that I needed my husband present. I tried to reassure them how much i love them but they ignored that and gave me an ultimatum, saying I was breaking up the family.

They have not even so much as acknowledged their behaviour has been hurtful, let alone apologised for it. My mom does and says everything she can to put me in the wrong. My dad thinks he should be loyal to her and never argues with her. He has abandoned me emotionally. He seems, actually, scared of her - never stands up to her. He's right to be scared at one level - I think the booze & drugs would even win over their marriage.

I confess I am rather enjoying aspects of being disowned. Isn't that awful? But the relief from her presence and constant harpying on at me is significant.

I have been trying to get by with just books (Codependent no more, Getting them Sober etc) which have all been a terrific help, but I think I need to start going to Alanon now. I have been surprised what a terrific support just this forum has been. Imagine how much more so when you are dealing with people face to face!!

Thanks again for your message. I really appreciate it.

GingerM

It sounds like they set very firm boundaries and have asked you to honor them. If the situation was reversed, and you had told someone you never wanted to see them again, how would you feel if they continued to contact you anyway?

I realize that these are your parents, and I realize that you are worried. But it does seem to me that the healthy option is to honor their boundaries, even if they were set from some skewed thinking processes.

Growing up in dysfunctional families often results not only in the inability to set our own boundaries, but the inability to see the boundaries other people set.

This sounds to me like you're having difficulty accepting what is. I know for me, often acceptance is exceedingly difficult, but if I can get there, I can find peace again.

Would it be awful to enjoy no longer having poison ivy? I don't think that finding relief in not being exposed to something irritating and painful is awful at all - I think it's downright healthy.

All of the opinions above are worth only the pixels they're written with. If they help you, I'm glad I wrote them. If you find them out of line or offensive, feel free to ignore - I won't take any offense.

howatch

You are absolutely right Ginger. I never looked at it that way before. I know my mom well and she will use silent treatment to punish. The idea is that you crack under the emotional pressure. But how are we supposed to tell the difference between punishing silent treatment / lashing out, and the conscious setting of a real boundary?? I have to say she certainly sounded like she meant it on the phone anyway! So I am going to take her at her word.

peaceteach

We are often told to accept what our HP puts in front of us as a gift FOR us. Perhaps YOU need this lack of contact right now but wouldn't have been able to do it yourself, and your HP is making it easier for YOU by having your parents make the boundary.

You could look at it as a gift of time, time to work on yourself without any explanations to those who have caused your issues. Just a thought.

GingerM

You've probably heard someone somewhere around here discuss "letting people experience the natural consequences of their actions". Usually it's in reference to allowing an alcoholic/addict hit their bottom by hitting every rock along the way first.

Well, so far as I'm concerned, if someone sets a boundary as "punishment" (e.g. the silent treatment to show you how 'powerful' they are over you), then I will still honor that boundary. If the natural consequences of me *respecting* them is that I am no longer part of their life, then that is how it works. I don't violate clearly set boundaries intentionally - whether they were set as some part of a pity party, power trip or set because they genuinely meant it.

But then I've become a bit of a hard donkey in my old age.

howatch

Wow. How cool is this forum? I would never have had the guts to do this all by myself. Thank you all. By the way my husband thinks this forum is great as well. I keep reading it out all the posts to him. We are both learning so much.

GingerM - you sound great. I am going to aim to be a donkey in my old age as well. :-)