schtevo

Because I'm currently separated from it. My Mom lets my Abrother live with her. She won't call the cops (we're all apprehensive to call the cops) because that would surely mean prison time for my brother, at this stage.

I've learned that I (being 200 miles away) have become the enabler of an enabler (my Mom). Just looking for some advice about now dealing with the healing process for me (first off), and my mom.

It just tires and sickens me.

-Steve

barb dwyer

Hi Schtevo -

(nice handle - made me smile, anyhow)

I had to go look up your other posts to try and figure out what you might be talking about - now I have an idea.

Have you tried Alanon?

This is the kind of thing that Friends and Family worry themselves sick over - and the primary thing is to understand that we can do nothing to control the choices of others.

It's a hard one to grasp... must be why it's the first one.

schtevo

To elaborate, I suppose I'm asking about emotional detachment. I know that at this point, there is little I can do, other than trying to encourage my mother to find some support / empowerment. But, really I think that I should be able to just let go... and I can't... any advice?

barb dwyer

ohhhhh... okay.

Any 'letting go' is sure not going to be sudden.... and be healthy, hon.

I mean, any of us can 'cut someone off' (meaning let go - fast)
but it's not healthy to do that way, either. Even though sometimes it's necessary for self preservation.

You said you've come to realize you're the enabler's enabler...
I'm not sure I understand that one ...
but it does kinda come together like a 'routine' y'all have going on -
brother acts up - makes/or gets into trouble,
mom goes to you for rescue.

Pulling a cog out of that machine without collapsing it ...
isn't one of my strongsuits.
It may be time to TELL mom that this cannot go on.
But you have to be in a place where you feel worthy ...
to say ... I can't keep doing this.

Are you there yet?

schtevo

Barb-

One thing (annoying me now) is that I always suggest Al-alnon to my mom, but I've never been myself. I think a meteor may have just hit me. I missed it before. Sad, sad, but I need to take care of myself first. Damn.

barb dwyer

True.

You are no good to anyone ... if you're depleted.

Breaking a FAMILY pattern ... is hard business.
YOu're talking about breaking out of a 'role'...
Alanon ... is the cheapest and most economically feasible way to do that in a fellowship surrounding ... that I can thinnk of.

CarolD

Have you read "Co Dependant No More" by M. Beattie?
Also Toby Rice Drews books are interesting.

Blessings to the 3 of you

Tazman53

Maybe you do not want to hear this right now, but if your brother is an alcoholic salling the cops might be the beginning of a new life for him.

A guy in the meeting I went to last night said that the best thing that ever happened to him was going to jail, it broke the cycle long enough to where he could regain enough of his sanity to see that he needed to stop drinking! He said if they had not locked him up when they did he may not have ever got sober.

All of you really should go to Alanon.

Rella927

Hey Schtevo-Sorry that you are going through this right now-Not an easy thing to deal with.

My A brother has been for the past 4 years in and out of detox-jail 3 times (once for 10 months). He started drinking when he was 12 years of age and is now 51!

Everyone is different when it comes to this disease-and when they are ready to stop! It could be jail....it could be something else-however IMHO when we continue to enable them-they will never find the bottom that they need to in order to become sober-It is a horrible disease and my heart goes out to all those who suffer with this.

This last situation with my brother-with help from Al-Anon (And of course SR) I have come to realize "Detaching with love" from my brother and also my mother (And both are over 1,000 miles away). It is a process-and as Barb stated above but, it was the greatest gift I could give to myself. My Mom also has found Al-Anon and other things to be of great help-to her and she has stopped enabling him! (And I have stopped trying to control or fix how mother is with him!)

I found reading (Great books Carol recommended)....journaling...among other things to help me regain the peace in my life and keep me away from the chaos-With Al-Anon I have learned a lot of things that taking care of me is important because if I do not I'm no good to anyone!

We all have choices and trying to make the choices for your Mom and your brother are keeping you away from your own life and choices....

Maybe give Al-Anon a try-it is worth walking in the door a few times and just sitting there and listening!

I wish you the best

schtevo

I just got off the phone with my mom. She's finally seeing a counselor / therapist, who specializes in this field. YAY. Small steps perhaps, but at least they're steps in the right direction. I'm tickled.

The reason I called her today was that I heard, through the grapevine, that my brother was on another bender last night. He didn't become violent this time (thank God), but my mom did spend several hours this morning, after he finally passed out, checking to make sure he was still breathing.

Ups and downs. I don't remember buying a ticket for this ride.

mle-sober

Hey Schtevo,

I don't have any wisdom to add here - I agree with the above. But I do want to offer my support. You seem really wrung out and sad and I just hope that you can find ways to take care of yourself. Hang in there.

- mle