katiedid79

Guess I just needed to get this off my chest ... When is this crap ever going to end? Im at the piont where I just want him out. Im doing almost everthing anyways. abf didnt feed the outside dogs for two days. When I asked him about it he siad well I gave them water this morning. WTF . I told him and what does that have to do with the 2 days that they didnt get fed? He siad he knows and to leave him alone. I told him dont worry about feeding them anymore I will do it because you are not responsiable enough to do this . Of course this all erupted into a fight and I told him that I wished he would just not call me anymore because when he does all that happens is I end up getting upset and we get into a fight. I told him I couldnt stand to be around him anymore because he just pisses me off. He said well I guess Im just a piece of sh** . Hey you siad it not me. So then I felt bad and thought you know I could articalate better what I was feeling and wanted to speak with him about it and to apolagize for not being so adult. So I treid to call him back of course no answer. You know in the back of my head im like why should I even be suprised . This crap is starting to go down hill fast. Just hoping we even make it to therapy. I think what he might be up to is making me misearable so that I do move out and he can then justify it with , oh poor me she left me and took the baby. Feel sorry for poor me. Look at what a b**** she is. Cant I just have a peaceful day? is that too much to ask. Why cant I get him to move out? I guess if god wants and thinks that he should move out and I should have the house I guess its in his hands. Its not fair.

katiedid79

Geuss I should have not engaged into a fight with somome who couldnt fight there way out of a paper bag with a map and a flashlight. Well I made the mistake of calling him. Did you know that I should feel lucky that he is going to coucling with me! No he should feel lucky that I have stayed with him this long. So I told him fine you pay the house payment , Im going to start putting that money up for my own place. Screw him.

nytepassion

I would like to unveil the addict thinking here ..


Addiction makes us not care. We can be wrong and know it, but that is canceled out by "we don't care" we can't care .. we are desensitized ... so what if the dogs don't get fed for 2 days .. so what if you are mad about it .. so what if you can't stand being around me .. the fact is you are around and that speaks for itself .. if you didn't care you wouldn't be on the phone arguing with me .. you are just trying to control me and make me do what you want me to do and I'm not going to let you ... you are going to accept me on my terms or not at all and If I'm so bad then wtf are you wasting your time and breath on me for .. a fact that speaks for itself.

"well I guess Im just a piece of sh**", but I'm a piece of sh** that you want to be with and with (and the fact that you might have a legitimate complaint falls in the shadow of the fact that I am a careless, irresponsible addict) thus qualifys your gripes to be catagorized as bitchen and complaining ... which in turn gives me reason to remind you of how lucky you are that I would even consider going to counceling with you.

It shouldn't come as a surprise that the addict would think like this .. after all we have a parasite eating our brain. You aren't conversing with a person, but rather with an addiction.


Passion
Recovering addict

Bean

<<<HUGS>>>>
Oh I hear ya!!!You know how many times my AH made me feel guilty for things I had said. It makes me mad to think about it. What always killed me was what an a$$ he could be to me after a binge????He was the one who should be begging for forgiveness and full of sorry's, but NO there he was being a jerk to me, like I had no right to be mad. There were times I thought maybe for a moment I was the one who was nuts, the one with the problem. You know, there comes a time when the pain of staying outways the pain of leaving and you will find your breaking point!
Also I found there came a time when the crazy life we were living became just that, our way of life-NUTS!!! Also I found so much damage had been done by him that I had to ask even if he was clean, could I forgive, or better yet forget-for me NO!!!

Take Care and take care of YOU!!!!

katiedid79

Thanks for posting that. I had to read it twice , made so much sence. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why cant I just let it go and move on? I guess hes further gone than I thought. oh but Im trying to control him. Im the one playing games and manupiltating. Not him.

nytepassion

Because you are holding on to the hope that one day he will wake up, smell the coffee and change...

Embrace who he is today and not what you hope he will be tomorrow.

Take all that energy and effort put into trying to get him to see the err of his ways and put it into taking care of yourself and doing what is in your best interest, focus on your life and what you want out of it ... You can't change him, but you can save yourself.

With or without him ... do whatcha gotta do for you

******{Hugs}}}}
Passion
Recovering addict/enabler/codependent

katiedid79

Wondering if councling is even going to help? guess it will be interesting to see him try to pull that crap in there. Thats why he dosnt want to go , Im going to make a prediction that he will say and do the right thing in therapy , if he even goes, and when we get out it will be the same ole thing. Just got a call from him. Guess he dosnt really want to pay for the house after all. He didnt say that, but I was thinking , wonder how long it will take him to call me back and try to smooth things over. His idea of smoothing things over is. Wiat till I get home this evening Im going to fix this crap and put an end to it once and for all. Quack ,Quack ,Quack. I was like dont tell me , show me. Now who is playing games.

katiedid79

Im trying so hard to detach and worry about myself and the baby, its just so hard. I get so mad at him and I just cant keep my mouth shut. I like to get my feelings out and let the other person know how I feel. He on the other hand clams up and withdraws. I just keep thinking if only he would learn some coping skills he would get better. But then agian there I go trying to control it/ addiction agian. How can I control it when he cant control it. He keeps saying Im not doing nothing wrong, leave me alone. Im doing what Im supposed to . Then when I bring up the facts that show other wise . Then Im playing games and that stuff is in the past , It takes a little time for him to get back on his feet and fix those things. But when you ask him, ok what is your game plan for say the next week? His response is Im getting my liceance back next week. Ok great for a start what else are you doing? His response is to leave him alone quite playing games.... So then I ask him ok so do you see where Im coming from? Can you see where I dont beleive you ? You are not doing what your supposed to because of this fact , example not feeding the dogs. Then the circle starts all over agian. Then it goes to I must be screwing around on him, WTF. I told him I wished. Then maybe it would be easier for me to get rid of you stupid a**. He says Im doing what Im supposed to do, Im working. Yeah he was working for over 3 months with no income because he wasnt paying his truck payment and they were ready to repo it and he withdrew 2800 $ off of the job to pay for it .

Bean

In my opinion, I would head to therapy alone, for now. It took me a long time to admit, I am a control freak. I never thought I was, but I am. I think that is in part why I stayed soooo long. I take care of people, I fix things and by God I was going to "fix" him even if I had not an ounce of sanity left in me-LOL!!! Head to therapy alone and work on you, and why you are in a realtionship that is so destructive, you may learn a lot about yourself. Also if he does go to therapy-expect lies. Him agreeing to go is probably in my opinion just a stall tactic on his part, it buys him more time!!
Sorry to be harsh, just what I have found out.
Take Care

Chino

He isn't doing the dance with you and you're mad about it. He isn't doing what you want at all and you're mad about that. Since he isn't going to do what you want, what are you going to do about getting what you want?

imallright

Katie... I am with Bean. Go to counseling for you. I have done both. Went on my own and then decided to try marriage counseling. Here comes the good part... we got thrown out! Well, not really thrown, but I guess I have to keep my sense of humor about this one. Basically, the therapist said there was no point in the two of us being there together, because he was not willing to work on his own "stuff"... of course that's because according to him, he didn't have any "stuff" and it was all my problem. He could fix himself. So, he went home and kept using and I went back to my counselor to take care of me. Do take care of you, Katie. You are special and deserve more. Go find it! SMILE

katiedid79

ok, you know how I said that he siad that when he got home that he was goign to get everything straight so to speak. Well talk about a mess. He was high ,I cant prove it but Im 99.9 % sure. Anyways he came straight in and told me to move so he could see the baby. He wanted to walk outside and talk. So ok , at first the converstation was going good. But then I noticed him kinda do a side step. You know the kind of side step you do when your starting to get tipsy from pain pills or alcholhol. The slight loss of balance. So anyways my first clue to him using. I asked him when the last time it was that he was usning , he siad last week . Wiat I thought he wasnt using anymore and that he didnt have a problem . Well we went back to the I know I have a problem quack quack quack. So I actually thought we were heading in a postive direction , even thow in the back of my head , im thinking why am I having a conversation with somome who is high right now... Well he siad he needed to go cut up a tree really quick before it got to dark. So I thought well we will continue the conversation when he gets back. Well good lord was he nasty when I tried to start talking about the stuff agian, I pretty sure he was coming down and I called him on this . He got mad. Anyways the whole rest of the evening turned into crap. So I have come to the relizeation that im waisting my breath , that he is to far gone I think at this piont to even have a conversation with , so Im just waiting to go to councling and am intersted to see what the therpist says . Does it matter what he said to me last night? No it does not cuase everything that was being siad was bullcrap. Every bit of it. I cannot change him , I cannot control the addiction, I cannot even tell him how I feel without him turning it around on me and trying to make me feel bad , making me feel like Im the one with the problem.... Im not allowing him to do that to me no more! What he is doing is wrong and he will loose me if it continues. Just waiting to get into councling . I will get him out of my home ! If he keeps up he will most likely do this for me and Im sure it wont be to much longer. He is hitting rock bottem fast. He is not going to take me down with him. He can no longer think in a healthy manner nothing about him right now is healthy. At first I wanted to analize everything that was being siad , that he said to me and hurt me. Dosnt matter how much you anilize it think of it , still dosnt change the fact that he is one screwed up person!

imallright

Sorry things are a mess. I know the feeling. Go easy on yourself, hon. Good that you are going to the counselor. Take care of you and baby.

Skeetermag

I can so relate to your story and am feeling so sorry for you. I am in a similar situation and altho he has stopped using, he is still irrational and blames me for everything. It seems lately every conversation turns into a huge fight. I tried one counselor for myself but we didn't really click, so am now looking for another. I am still considering leaving my ah but not quite ready to make that move yet , hence the counseling idea. Good luck and write when u need to. Venting on here really helps.

katiedid79

Going to try councling and if it things dont start getting better Im going to start looking for a place or at least try to get him to leave. Time will tell. He siad that he would try his best to get off the drugs said he would even take a drug test once a week if that would make me happy. unfortunatly Ive heard so many broken promises that I will beleive it when I see it. Owell.

outtolunch

Since it sounds possible that one of you is going to eventually leave, are you renting? Is there a lease? Is it in both of your names?

Is he listed as the father of your baby on the child's birth certificate?

Both parents are responsible for supporting the child until age 18, regardless if there was a marriage or not. It often becomes necessary to arrange for the courts to garnish wages to obtain child support.

And then there is the issue of physical and legal custody and visitation rights.

In otherwords, learn your rights and responsibilities and how to enforce them, should it become necessary, down the road.

katiedid79

Before I move out I will file for full custody. Since I havent been getting any money from him , Ive gotten 30 $ in the last 4 months. I will at least speak with a lawyer if not obtian one and go from there. I cannot continue to live like this and it is not healthy for me nor my child. As far as visitation goes I want him to see her as much as possiable. I will not interfear in there relationship. Unless theres a danger then I would ask the courts for supervised visitation. He did mention that his brother was buying a trailer from his sister and abf said he was going to help him find a place for it and help get it set up. So im hoping that if it comes to that that he will just move in with his brother. I do plan to get eduacated. Im still seperating everything out. Getting my name taken off of the truck and then there is the Cell phone bill thats in my name for both phones. Got a 2 year contract on that. May have only a year or so to go on that ...........

hello-kitty

Hey Katie. I am going through this with my ex. The whole custody thing is a nightmare (and very expensive). In order to file for custody, He could not be living with me. Then, I had to file for financial support. Next he has a chance to contest it, finally, it comes time to put an order in for custody. It's all very confusing and it's a long drawn out process.

My unsolicited advice? First things first. Don't make leaving more complicated and difficult than it already is. One step at a time. You already have custody of your daughter. You already support your daughter entirely. When you are ready, find yourself a place and just move out, take your daughter with you, and let him file for custody if he wants her back. Just my suggestion.

And only because I'm going through it right now.

If you talk to an attorney and he tells you differently, please post it or IM me because I have talked to many attorneys and there is no easier way. That's why I recommend, first things first... protect yourself and your childs emotional well being before you get the courts involved. If your bf is to into partying to fight for custody and he doesn't want to pay $$$ support, I doubt he will fight you on it.