I confronted him........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 21
I confronted him........
Ok, he got home. We were sitting on the bed and watching TV. I told him I had found the drugs and that I love him and that I'm really concerned. Well, at the first moment, he just had that blank look on his face, I'm not sure what it meant. He looked shocked. Then he said "yeah those are my opiates" in this voice like yeah of course. The he told me the satchels were, "Baby, I'm holding those for JOE until Saturday" *Joe being the only friend of his that I know has a coke problem, and not the guy I thought supplied him.
Joe asked him to hold it so he wouldn't use it all at once, he said.
I felt like I was in a movie. It sounded like a typical excuse, but could it be true. Then I started crying and I said I was so worried about him all day. He then explained the oxy pills as something he got to replace the vicoden, but he only takes 1/8 of the pill each time. He said he knows what he is doing and cannot live in pain his whole life. He sat up looked at me in the eyes and said Hey, I am not doing cocaine and I never will. I told him good, because I don't want drugs in the house.
OH but then everything changed, he got mad that I found the box, because I was snooping thru his drawer. I told him he wasn't going to make it about that. But he did anyway. He started saying how I went thru his drawers, I broke a cardinal rule, he couldn't never trust me again, that this is the first time since we moved in together that he has regretted it. WEll, I explained to him that I was looking for nail clippers and found the box and yes, was nosey to look in the box. But that I was expecting jewelery and I was just curious.
THis is all the truth. It is a jewelery box and when I saw it I was curious what other jewelery he had that I had never seen. (he wears earrings, etc).
Well, so now he's SO MAD that he slept downstairs and wont talk to me.
I know some of you probably agree with him, and I admit I was nosey to look in the box, but here's the thing:
This is a small dresser I inherited from my grandmother that is being used as storage for him next to the bed. He just stores random stuff in the top shelf -ties, tools, junk, etc (the bottom is mine) and I have been in it several times before, even in front of him. He always sweeps all his junk in it and I knew I'd find the nail clippers there, which I did. He has asked me to look in there for stuff, and I really felt that it was no different than when he scans my drawer in the bathroom for something, etc. I guess looking in the box was not my right.
ALso, I pointed out that he has nosed thru my phone and looked at all my pics. He admitted this, but said it is different. HOW is that?
Posters, I don't know what to think at this point. I am not convinced he is telling me the truth. If he got the stuff with JOe, then why did I hear him in his drawer when he got back late after that b-day party with different people. It sounded like he was trying to shove something in there real quick. And no that is not why I went in his drawers. I had forgotten about it until I found the drugs and started to try to piece things together.
I am at a loss. I just feel numb. I want to believe him, but I'm not sure. "I'm holding those for Joe" It sounds like BS and why would you just hold onto 2 little packs for him. So, "he wont do it all at once" Since when is he helping Joe with his drug addiction. ANd why was his body so damn hot Sunday afternoon. Isn't that one of the side effects of taking?
Oh, I just feel sad. Of course now he is CONVINCED that I went thru the whole house looking thru his stuff and I can never be trusted. He is wrong. I didn't. It didn't even occur to me actually. I had found enough. ANd i have never gone thru his things. I've just never been that interested. Okay, that is not true, I have looked at his different med bottles in OUR medicine cabinet.
Well, I feel lost again. I'm not sure what to think. Maybe he is right. But I'm still glad I looked. I'm still glad I found that stuff. What do you all think?
Joe asked him to hold it so he wouldn't use it all at once, he said.
I felt like I was in a movie. It sounded like a typical excuse, but could it be true. Then I started crying and I said I was so worried about him all day. He then explained the oxy pills as something he got to replace the vicoden, but he only takes 1/8 of the pill each time. He said he knows what he is doing and cannot live in pain his whole life. He sat up looked at me in the eyes and said Hey, I am not doing cocaine and I never will. I told him good, because I don't want drugs in the house.
OH but then everything changed, he got mad that I found the box, because I was snooping thru his drawer. I told him he wasn't going to make it about that. But he did anyway. He started saying how I went thru his drawers, I broke a cardinal rule, he couldn't never trust me again, that this is the first time since we moved in together that he has regretted it. WEll, I explained to him that I was looking for nail clippers and found the box and yes, was nosey to look in the box. But that I was expecting jewelery and I was just curious.
THis is all the truth. It is a jewelery box and when I saw it I was curious what other jewelery he had that I had never seen. (he wears earrings, etc).
Well, so now he's SO MAD that he slept downstairs and wont talk to me.
I know some of you probably agree with him, and I admit I was nosey to look in the box, but here's the thing:
This is a small dresser I inherited from my grandmother that is being used as storage for him next to the bed. He just stores random stuff in the top shelf -ties, tools, junk, etc (the bottom is mine) and I have been in it several times before, even in front of him. He always sweeps all his junk in it and I knew I'd find the nail clippers there, which I did. He has asked me to look in there for stuff, and I really felt that it was no different than when he scans my drawer in the bathroom for something, etc. I guess looking in the box was not my right.
ALso, I pointed out that he has nosed thru my phone and looked at all my pics. He admitted this, but said it is different. HOW is that?
Posters, I don't know what to think at this point. I am not convinced he is telling me the truth. If he got the stuff with JOe, then why did I hear him in his drawer when he got back late after that b-day party with different people. It sounded like he was trying to shove something in there real quick. And no that is not why I went in his drawers. I had forgotten about it until I found the drugs and started to try to piece things together.
I am at a loss. I just feel numb. I want to believe him, but I'm not sure. "I'm holding those for Joe" It sounds like BS and why would you just hold onto 2 little packs for him. So, "he wont do it all at once" Since when is he helping Joe with his drug addiction. ANd why was his body so damn hot Sunday afternoon. Isn't that one of the side effects of taking?
Oh, I just feel sad. Of course now he is CONVINCED that I went thru the whole house looking thru his stuff and I can never be trusted. He is wrong. I didn't. It didn't even occur to me actually. I had found enough. ANd i have never gone thru his things. I've just never been that interested. Okay, that is not true, I have looked at his different med bottles in OUR medicine cabinet.
Well, I feel lost again. I'm not sure what to think. Maybe he is right. But I'm still glad I looked. I'm still glad I found that stuff. What do you all think?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 36
Oh Eddison...he is manipulating you. Your finding his drugs is his fault, not yours. If you are in a committed relationship and live together with children in the home, you have a right to know what drugs are in the home and where. What if one of your children had found it?
Also, if he is doing Oxycontin, then doing 1/8 of the pill is never okay. These pills are time released and coated with a covering to make them that way. If you break, crush, or chew the pill for any reason, you are now getting the entire dose at once. This is very dangerous. He might think that if he does 1/8 of what is there, then he is getting 1/8 of the dose. WRONG. The medication is not equally distributed in the tablet. You are never able to tell how many Mg you are ingesting based on how much of the pill you take.
I understand your feeling sad with the situation, but you did the right thing. He needs to know that it is not okay. Even if the packet wasn't his, he is doing the pills. These pills are not something you can take recreationally or just every now and then when you feel pain. They become physically addicting almost immediatly. Please Please Please try to at least educate himself about these drugs. Do not trust what other addicts tell you, read up on it yourself.
Ill be praying for you. Stay strong
Dawn
Also, if he is doing Oxycontin, then doing 1/8 of the pill is never okay. These pills are time released and coated with a covering to make them that way. If you break, crush, or chew the pill for any reason, you are now getting the entire dose at once. This is very dangerous. He might think that if he does 1/8 of what is there, then he is getting 1/8 of the dose. WRONG. The medication is not equally distributed in the tablet. You are never able to tell how many Mg you are ingesting based on how much of the pill you take.
I understand your feeling sad with the situation, but you did the right thing. He needs to know that it is not okay. Even if the packet wasn't his, he is doing the pills. These pills are not something you can take recreationally or just every now and then when you feel pain. They become physically addicting almost immediatly. Please Please Please try to at least educate himself about these drugs. Do not trust what other addicts tell you, read up on it yourself.
Ill be praying for you. Stay strong
Dawn
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
(((eddison)))
I haven't met you before. My husband is a recovering drug addict. His drug of choice was xanax.
Honey, you aren't hearing anything we all haven't heard before. I can pretty much guarentee you that he's not holding anything for Joe. That it is his. I heard that one too.
He's blaming you because he needs to take the heat off of him. By starting the argument that you went through his things, you are no longer arguing about drugs and I think they feel like they aren't the only one "in trouble". Addicts do some manipulitive things. They are good at it.
Have you checked out naranon meetings or even alanon meetings? Face to face interaction with someone who has been through what you are going through is good at times like these. Having someone you can call up and talk to about what is going on is good too. I love SR but I needed somebody in "real life" that I could go to.
I know this is harder said than done but do you have somewhere else you can live? It sounds like he isn't anywhere near being ready to admit he's an addict and to do something about it. My husband always had an excuse to use xanax. He does have legitmate social anxiety and suffers from severe panic attacks but now he's found another way, that doesn't involve drugs, to deal with it
I haven't met you before. My husband is a recovering drug addict. His drug of choice was xanax.
Honey, you aren't hearing anything we all haven't heard before. I can pretty much guarentee you that he's not holding anything for Joe. That it is his. I heard that one too.
He's blaming you because he needs to take the heat off of him. By starting the argument that you went through his things, you are no longer arguing about drugs and I think they feel like they aren't the only one "in trouble". Addicts do some manipulitive things. They are good at it.
Have you checked out naranon meetings or even alanon meetings? Face to face interaction with someone who has been through what you are going through is good at times like these. Having someone you can call up and talk to about what is going on is good too. I love SR but I needed somebody in "real life" that I could go to.
I know this is harder said than done but do you have somewhere else you can live? It sounds like he isn't anywhere near being ready to admit he's an addict and to do something about it. My husband always had an excuse to use xanax. He does have legitmate social anxiety and suffers from severe panic attacks but now he's found another way, that doesn't involve drugs, to deal with it
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Eddison,
I am sorry but I feel and believe that he is trying to twist this that its your fault. One thing for sure whether he is using oxy pills, coke, crack or any type of substance its drugs. I also think that what he said was Joes was his own. I also have seen this before the manipualtion the twisting and making us seem wrong leading to us feeling guilty. I am sorry to say I would have looked in the jewerly box as well. I dont know if you ever read this before but here it is for:
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
hugs,
jewelz
I am sorry but I feel and believe that he is trying to twist this that its your fault. One thing for sure whether he is using oxy pills, coke, crack or any type of substance its drugs. I also think that what he said was Joes was his own. I also have seen this before the manipualtion the twisting and making us seem wrong leading to us feeling guilty. I am sorry to say I would have looked in the jewerly box as well. I dont know if you ever read this before but here it is for:
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
hugs,
jewelz
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
I know some of you probably agree with him
YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO KEEP YOUR CHILDREN SAFE.
1. I think it would take a miracle for most of us here to believe that's not his packet of drugs. Even if by some fluke it's NOT his, he brought it into a house with children. Would he bring a loaded gun in as well? A king cobra? Anthrax? Tell me which one is ok because I consider them all the same as cocaine or heroine.
2. HE PUT THOSE DRUGS THERE. You didn't. ADDICTS LIE. THEY DEFLECT. They try to blame you instead. He can't trust YOU? Even if I went out of my way looking for something like that, it doesn't matter. It was there to find whether you were looking on purpose or not. And hell yes, I would tear the house apart to find more if I accidentally found something like that. The fact that he automatically assumed you went looking for more would tell me that he has MORE hidden somewhere.
Again, if I was alone, it might be different, but because there are children present, it would be spring cleaning time--no stone unturned, and even then you have to hope that there's nothing you missed becuase kids are far more curious and tedious and thorough with their small hands that explore every nook and cranny. I'm not trying to fill you with paranoia, but girl, please consider these things. You need to put yourself and your kids first.
I don't know anything about the oxycontin itself, so I'd listen to other posters who know their stuff. I would be curious to know where he's getting it, personally.
You need to let go of the notion that you did anything wrong by looking in that box. Stop trying to explain to us that it was just an accident. That's honestly irrevelent to me and probably many others here. We don't care. We believe you that you found it by accident, but it would change nothing if you went hunting for it, at least in my eyes. He's mad because you found drugs and that they were probably his. Him looking through your phone is also irrevelant.
So what if he does think you went through the house. You're a rational, healthy, thinking human being. Finding drugs is not normal. It's a danger to you and him and the kids. We all see that. YOU see that. He doesn't because he's acting like an addict and this situation is threatening his fix.
Let's say he is being honest about the stuff being Joe's. Why is it ok for him to bring it in the house with children? No answer would suffice. Even if he thought it was locked up and they'd never get to it. Put yourself into the shoes of the authorities. Your children would probably be gone if it was found in the home. Does he understand that? If he thinks you're overreacting, invite him to look into the law.
And finally,
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
eddison...
I used to be a major detective in my own home. I used to purposely search for 'proof' of what I already knew...that my exah was using drugs.
I don't think what I did was 'wrong' in the sense that it violated my exah's privacy. This was, after all, my home as much as it was his and our son lived in this home too. It doesn't sound like you were actively searching for evidence...you just stumbled upon it innocently and his tactic of turning this around on you is common among addicts. Its a smoke and mirrors trick to get you to feel bad and to divert your attention from the fact that he has ILLEGAL substances in the home you share with him...and from the fact that he is almost most certainly 'using' the drugs he claims to be 'holding' for a friend.
Addiction and everything that goes along with it destroys the very fiber of a relationship. Honesty and trust are misplaced with headgames, fingerpointing, manipulation and fear. Addiction causes the best of relationships to turn toxic. Sometimes, this is the hardest thing to accept...it can be harder to accept than the actual drug use and lying.
You deserve to live with some diginity and peace. Whatever you do, don't sell yourself short.
I used to be a major detective in my own home. I used to purposely search for 'proof' of what I already knew...that my exah was using drugs.
I don't think what I did was 'wrong' in the sense that it violated my exah's privacy. This was, after all, my home as much as it was his and our son lived in this home too. It doesn't sound like you were actively searching for evidence...you just stumbled upon it innocently and his tactic of turning this around on you is common among addicts. Its a smoke and mirrors trick to get you to feel bad and to divert your attention from the fact that he has ILLEGAL substances in the home you share with him...and from the fact that he is almost most certainly 'using' the drugs he claims to be 'holding' for a friend.
Addiction and everything that goes along with it destroys the very fiber of a relationship. Honesty and trust are misplaced with headgames, fingerpointing, manipulation and fear. Addiction causes the best of relationships to turn toxic. Sometimes, this is the hardest thing to accept...it can be harder to accept than the actual drug use and lying.
You deserve to live with some diginity and peace. Whatever you do, don't sell yourself short.
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Oh, I just feel sad. Of course now he is CONVINCED that I went thru the whole house looking thru his stuff and I can never be trusted. He is wrong. I didn't. It didn't even occur to me actually. I had found enough. ANd i have never gone thru his things. I've just never been that interested. Okay, that is not true, I have looked at his different med bottles in OUR medicine cabinet.
Well, I feel lost again. I'm not sure what to think. Maybe he is right. But I'm still glad I looked. I'm still glad I found that stuff. What do you all think?
Well, I feel lost again. I'm not sure what to think. Maybe he is right. But I'm still glad I looked. I'm still glad I found that stuff. What do you all think?
I know...I was married to a coke/crack addict for four years. I lived three of them in self doubt, shame, sadness, etc. It's quite a super power they have this thing we call "Manipulation".
Never think you are wrong for protecting your home and your child(ren) and/or yourself. It's always dangerous to try to weigh who was more wrong in this situation because more than likely you end up talking yourself out of believing yourself and start buying into his delusions. He brought drugs into the house....he's actively using....there is no question about that.
Keep coming here for support....this place was a god send to me.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Eddison,
This is classic addict behavior to shift blame ..
He has drugs in a drawer in your house .. you innocently go into that drawer looking for nail clippers and find the box .. You open the box and wa-la find drugs. You confront him and he sits and listens and knows he is busted .. (the ol' blank stare gives just enough time to do some fast thinking and come up with a counter attack) Now you are a snoop who has violated his trust and he is pissed at you, punishes you by sleeping on the couch.
Here you are feeling guilty and like you did something wrong by looking in the box. He has you defending your position and explaining why you looked in there ..
[quote]Then I started crying and I said I was so worried about him all day. He then explained the oxy pills as something he got to replace the vicoden, but he only takes 1/8 of the pill each time. He said he knows what he is doing and cannot live in pain his whole life.
He sat up looked at me in the eyes and said Hey, I am not doing cocaine and I never will. <~~~ this is called diverting and minimizing.
I told him good, because I don't want drugs in the house. <~~~here is where he gets you ... He used his above statement about not using cocaine to divert you .. then you drop your guard a bit with a "good, because you don't want drugs in the house" (REALITY, there are drugs in your house) "JOE'S drugs" and some oxy's to boot.
Anyhow now he takes you on a detour
"then everything changed, he got mad that I found the box, because I was "snooping" thru his drawer.
I told him he wasn't going to make it about that. But he did anyway.
Of course he did .. He has to... the purpose is to keep the attention of his behavior and make it about yours - he isn't wrong for having or doing drugs in your house .. you are wrong for finding them. (Sooo typical)
He started saying how I went thru his drawers, I broke a cardinal rule, he couldn't never trust me again Let me get this straight, he brought drugs into your shared home and placed them in a box and put them in the drawer, is mad that you found them and YOU Cannot be trusted. Nah, he has been discovered and he can't trust you not to find out more then you already have .. so he is going to guilt you, badger you, belittle you and shame you off track with the intentions of keeping you from ever finding him out again.
that this is the first time since we moved in together that he has regretted it.
= Scare tactic .. he is regretting moving in with you and if you don't straigthen up you might lose him
WEll, I explained to him that I was looking for nail clippers and found the box and yes, was nosey to look in the box. But that I was expecting jewelery and I was just curious.
Here he has you explaining why you did what you did (tables have completely turned) it isn't about his drugs anymore, but rather about you and the wrong you have done to him.
Well, so now he's SO MAD that he slept downstairs and wont talk to me. =
You are being punished.(this is one example of how the addict molds, fashions and shapes their loved ones into the imagine of who they need us to be in order to continue to be who they are.
I know some of you probably agree with him, and I admit I was nosey to look in the box
If there was nothing in the box at all or just jewelery would he be mad at you for looking in it? Probably not ... The reason he is mad is because you have discovered his dirty little secret and now he is going to make you pay for it .. DON'T Let him.
ALso, I pointed out that he has nosed thru my phone and looked at all my pics. He admitted this, but said it is different. HOW is that?
Because addicts have double standards .. what is okay for him is not okay for you. If you buy into this .. then it will only get worse .. You will have no rights at all.
Of course now he is CONVINCED that I went thru the whole house looking thru his stuff and I can never be trusted. He is wrong. I didn't.
Eddison .. think about it .. who cares what he is convinced of .. YOU KNOW THE TRUTH and the truth is you didn't .. he doesn't care about the truth .. his main goal is to get you off track ... off focus of the drugs he brought into YOUR house .. off if him (God forbit you might discover that he is an addict)
Time to refocus. You didn't do anything wrong and if he didn't have anything to hide he wouldn't be so mad.
He is in the wrong and he knows it .. he is lying and he knows it .. he using and he knows it... He may never admit that to you .. don't expect, wait or anicipate that he will... but the proof is in the box.
And reality is you have a right to know what is going on in your house. You have a right to not want drugs in your house ... He violated your home and your trust ... I hope you will not let him manipulate you into believing anything less .. I guarentte you he is trying to (the addicts job is to protect the addiction at all cost) He is doing his job.
I encourage you to read about his drug of choice (clearly opiates) .. read about addiction and the behavior that stems from it .. read about enabling, codependency, detachment with love and if you can find a nar-anon meeting in your area it would be of great benefit to you to attend because when the rubber meets the road there isn't a damn thing you can do to change him, but you can save yourself a whole lot of pain by taking care of you and looking out for yourself ... We do this by finding our own recovery.
I hope you will stick around here .. you are in great hands
******{Hugs}}}}
Passion
This is classic addict behavior to shift blame ..
He has drugs in a drawer in your house .. you innocently go into that drawer looking for nail clippers and find the box .. You open the box and wa-la find drugs. You confront him and he sits and listens and knows he is busted .. (the ol' blank stare gives just enough time to do some fast thinking and come up with a counter attack) Now you are a snoop who has violated his trust and he is pissed at you, punishes you by sleeping on the couch.
Here you are feeling guilty and like you did something wrong by looking in the box. He has you defending your position and explaining why you looked in there ..
[quote]Then I started crying and I said I was so worried about him all day. He then explained the oxy pills as something he got to replace the vicoden, but he only takes 1/8 of the pill each time. He said he knows what he is doing and cannot live in pain his whole life.
He sat up looked at me in the eyes and said Hey, I am not doing cocaine and I never will. <~~~ this is called diverting and minimizing.
I told him good, because I don't want drugs in the house. <~~~here is where he gets you ... He used his above statement about not using cocaine to divert you .. then you drop your guard a bit with a "good, because you don't want drugs in the house" (REALITY, there are drugs in your house) "JOE'S drugs" and some oxy's to boot.
Anyhow now he takes you on a detour
"then everything changed, he got mad that I found the box, because I was "snooping" thru his drawer.
I told him he wasn't going to make it about that. But he did anyway.
Of course he did .. He has to... the purpose is to keep the attention of his behavior and make it about yours - he isn't wrong for having or doing drugs in your house .. you are wrong for finding them. (Sooo typical)
He started saying how I went thru his drawers, I broke a cardinal rule, he couldn't never trust me again Let me get this straight, he brought drugs into your shared home and placed them in a box and put them in the drawer, is mad that you found them and YOU Cannot be trusted. Nah, he has been discovered and he can't trust you not to find out more then you already have .. so he is going to guilt you, badger you, belittle you and shame you off track with the intentions of keeping you from ever finding him out again.
that this is the first time since we moved in together that he has regretted it.
= Scare tactic .. he is regretting moving in with you and if you don't straigthen up you might lose him
WEll, I explained to him that I was looking for nail clippers and found the box and yes, was nosey to look in the box. But that I was expecting jewelery and I was just curious.
Here he has you explaining why you did what you did (tables have completely turned) it isn't about his drugs anymore, but rather about you and the wrong you have done to him.
Well, so now he's SO MAD that he slept downstairs and wont talk to me. =
You are being punished.(this is one example of how the addict molds, fashions and shapes their loved ones into the imagine of who they need us to be in order to continue to be who they are.
I know some of you probably agree with him, and I admit I was nosey to look in the box
If there was nothing in the box at all or just jewelery would he be mad at you for looking in it? Probably not ... The reason he is mad is because you have discovered his dirty little secret and now he is going to make you pay for it .. DON'T Let him.
ALso, I pointed out that he has nosed thru my phone and looked at all my pics. He admitted this, but said it is different. HOW is that?
Because addicts have double standards .. what is okay for him is not okay for you. If you buy into this .. then it will only get worse .. You will have no rights at all.
Of course now he is CONVINCED that I went thru the whole house looking thru his stuff and I can never be trusted. He is wrong. I didn't.
Eddison .. think about it .. who cares what he is convinced of .. YOU KNOW THE TRUTH and the truth is you didn't .. he doesn't care about the truth .. his main goal is to get you off track ... off focus of the drugs he brought into YOUR house .. off if him (God forbit you might discover that he is an addict)
Time to refocus. You didn't do anything wrong and if he didn't have anything to hide he wouldn't be so mad.
He is in the wrong and he knows it .. he is lying and he knows it .. he using and he knows it... He may never admit that to you .. don't expect, wait or anicipate that he will... but the proof is in the box.
And reality is you have a right to know what is going on in your house. You have a right to not want drugs in your house ... He violated your home and your trust ... I hope you will not let him manipulate you into believing anything less .. I guarentte you he is trying to (the addicts job is to protect the addiction at all cost) He is doing his job.
I encourage you to read about his drug of choice (clearly opiates) .. read about addiction and the behavior that stems from it .. read about enabling, codependency, detachment with love and if you can find a nar-anon meeting in your area it would be of great benefit to you to attend because when the rubber meets the road there isn't a damn thing you can do to change him, but you can save yourself a whole lot of pain by taking care of you and looking out for yourself ... We do this by finding our own recovery.
I hope you will stick around here .. you are in great hands
******{Hugs}}}}
Passion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Eddison. I know you want to believe him. Of course you want to believe him. You love him. But at what risk?! Keep reading and posting here. You will learn much. And we can be a great support to you because you are not alone in dealing with this.
Q. How do you know an addict is lying?
A. His lips are moving.
Actions speak louder than words sweetie. What do his actions tell you.
Q. How do you know an addict is lying?
A. His lips are moving.
Actions speak louder than words sweetie. What do his actions tell you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
The drugs do NOT belong to Joe...
as anvil said....addicts do not hold onto each other's drugs...
my RAS always claimed to be "holding it for someone"
and in answer to where did you get the money for that? "my friend bought it for me..."
doesn't happen that way...ever
please keep reading and learning all you can
his behavior was classic addict behavior....most of us could have written the script....reread Nyte's response...in fact print it out and read it alot!!
keep posting....stay strong
as anvil said....addicts do not hold onto each other's drugs...
my RAS always claimed to be "holding it for someone"
and in answer to where did you get the money for that? "my friend bought it for me..."
doesn't happen that way...ever
please keep reading and learning all you can
his behavior was classic addict behavior....most of us could have written the script....reread Nyte's response...in fact print it out and read it alot!!
keep posting....stay strong
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hi eddison-
If you have children in your home you are putting them at risk by allowing your BF to store drugs in your home. It does sound as though he is lying to you and trying to manipulate you into condoning the drugs being in your home.
Maybe if he lived in a separate place and you went over and went thru his stuff that would be one thing but you have a right to know what is in your home especially since you have kids there. I think you ought to ask him to remove the drugs from your place.
If you have children in your home you are putting them at risk by allowing your BF to store drugs in your home. It does sound as though he is lying to you and trying to manipulate you into condoning the drugs being in your home.
Maybe if he lived in a separate place and you went over and went thru his stuff that would be one thing but you have a right to know what is in your home especially since you have kids there. I think you ought to ask him to remove the drugs from your place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 21
thankyou
thankyou ALL of you for getting me thru the last couple of days and for all your heartfelt advice and support. It has made me feel stonger. I am doing better today than I was last night. I feel like all of you are right and i'm not apologizing to him. In fact, I wrote him a letter saying that I know he wouldn't be this mad if i found jewelry in his box and that there is no place for drugs in this house, esp with kids. I told him that if he wants help finding a pain clinic, etc to find a postitive way to deal with his pain, then i'd be happy to help him. I know he saw it, because it was crumpled up in the garbage can. He is still giving me the silent treatment, hiding in the garage. That is fine. I don't really want him sharing a bed with me right now. And I have alot of thinking to do. SO does he, he needs to decide which is more important me and the kids or his habit and lies. I will keep you posted and try to post words of support for others too. THANKYOU THANKYOU !!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 21
Last night
Oh, I just wanted to tell you guys that after I put my kids in bed last night, he left the garage and came up to our room. He walked over to the dresser and removed the box containing drugs. As he did this, he said in an angry tone "Joe is coming over, I'm not having this stuff in the house." (Is he mad at me, himself, Joe or the drugs?) *I don't really care*
Then he grabbed his pillows and left. I almost had to chuckle, because what was that!? He is like a giant baby.
Well, at least the drugs are leaving the house? Maybe he is giving them to JOe , maybe he is snorting them. At this point, I really don't care, because if I find stuff like that again on him it is time for him to move out. In fact, it might be time for him to move out already. I hope I stay strong. I'm afraid I might be in shock and that this diconnection from him is only temporary.
Then he grabbed his pillows and left. I almost had to chuckle, because what was that!? He is like a giant baby.
Well, at least the drugs are leaving the house? Maybe he is giving them to JOe , maybe he is snorting them. At this point, I really don't care, because if I find stuff like that again on him it is time for him to move out. In fact, it might be time for him to move out already. I hope I stay strong. I'm afraid I might be in shock and that this diconnection from him is only temporary.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by eddison 
Oh, I just wanted to tell you guys that after I put my kids in bed last night, he left the garage and came up to our room. He walked over to the dresser and removed the box containing drugs. As he did this, he said in an angry tone "Joe is coming over, I'm not having this stuff in the house." (Is he mad at me, himself, Joe or the drugs?) *I don't really care*
Then he grabbed his pillows and left. I almost had to chuckle, because what was that!? He is like a giant baby.
Well, at least the drugs are leaving the house? Maybe he is giving them to JOe , maybe he is snorting them. At this point, I really don't care, because if I find stuff like that again on him it is time for him to move out. In fact, it might be time for him to move out already. I hope I stay strong. I'm afraid I might be in shock and that this diconnection from him is only temporary.
Then he grabbed his pillows and left. I almost had to chuckle, because what was that!? He is like a giant baby.
Well, at least the drugs are leaving the house? Maybe he is giving them to JOe , maybe he is snorting them. At this point, I really don't care, because if I find stuff like that again on him it is time for him to move out. In fact, it might be time for him to move out already. I hope I stay strong. I'm afraid I might be in shock and that this diconnection from him is only temporary.
To be honest with you, I have to admit that I have this crazy rollercoaster going on inside me too. One minute I am so strong and can stand my ground no matter what and the next I am putty in his hands and I cant bear the thought of him not in my life. Its an everyday battle right now.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
If I had to guess, he's putting the box somewhere else *safe* where you won't find it. You know, out of sight, out of mind...
I'm a fairly wordy person, but I learned to talk in short, complete sentences with the A in my life.
You. OUT.
If there are drugs in my house, you don't live here anymore.
NO. (that's my favorite, because NO is a complete sentence!)
I didn't have complicated conversations for one reason only - I didn't want to leave an opening for some sort of diversion or deflection. I got very good at bringing us right back to the topic at hand, which was NOT what he wanted to talk about.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Have you been able to find any Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings in your area? Going to meetings saved my life.
Hugs
Cats
I'm a fairly wordy person, but I learned to talk in short, complete sentences with the A in my life.
You. OUT.
If there are drugs in my house, you don't live here anymore.
NO. (that's my favorite, because NO is a complete sentence!)
I didn't have complicated conversations for one reason only - I didn't want to leave an opening for some sort of diversion or deflection. I got very good at bringing us right back to the topic at hand, which was NOT what he wanted to talk about.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Have you been able to find any Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings in your area? Going to meetings saved my life.
Hugs
Cats
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I agree with (((cats))) the less said the better. Let their be no room for doubt or debate about dope being in your house.
Also I doubt he is thinking about stopping using it is possible of course but.....not likely. I would not believe anything an addict says about their drug use if they have not been clean for a while. Understand that the more threatened they feel the more likely they are to lie to keep the status quo.
Also I doubt he is thinking about stopping using it is possible of course but.....not likely. I would not believe anything an addict says about their drug use if they have not been clean for a while. Understand that the more threatened they feel the more likely they are to lie to keep the status quo.
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