sobera

What do I have to do to make my parents realize that their ~baby~ has a major addiction problem and needs help? Every time we catch him it always ends up with 'Oh he's just curious.' -- What? HE'S 30!!! He's been curious for nine years! That doesn't classify as curious any more.

I'm so mad at all of them right now. I'm way younger than my brother and I'm the one taking care of him. I love my brother but he's ruining the reputation I built for my self. Each time I find a job for him, he ends up embarrassing me because of his drug problem.

I'm sick of it.

I'm not even gonna support him anymore. Screw all his bills. He's 11 years older than me. I shouldn't be paying for him. If my parents need money to help him, they sure as hell are not getting it from me unless it's for rehab. I'm 19. I should be saving and buying stuff with the money I earn... not wasting it on the idiot's problem.

My parents don't realize it but I have a life too you know. They gotta stop stressing me with these kinds of things.

Spiritual Seeker

Stop enabling today. Don't find him any more jobs and don't do for him what he ought to do for himself. You don't have to convince your parents. You can only control yourself and how you will act. You be the example.
Detach with love from your brother so the stress of his lifestyle doesn't bring you down and limit your opportunities. Let him honestly know that you can't be taken advantage of any longer but encourage him in sobriety and that when he is ready to get sober he has your encouragement.

hope213

welcome to S.R. you are so right, you deserve a life.you do not own your brother anything. it is his problem. you can not keep him clean & u can not make him use. your parents are enabling him & you are smart to back away. he needs to hit his bottom before he will be able to get clean.as long as he has some one to pick up the pieces the longer it will take for him to realize he has a problem. i am sorry u are going thru all of this.read around & keep coming back. do not feel guilty. prayers,

Done_With_It

Maybe hit some alanon or alateen meetings?
You are definitely NOT responsible for his bills, his behavior or his addiction.

When we are in addictive addiction we look for people to enable us, and people to believe our lies.
Those who so desperately love us and want to help often jump right in to the place we want them.
Once they/you are there it's like trying to float with a huge set of weights on you.
And an addict will gladly keep adding weight onto as long as you let him, until you yourself drown yourself.

You do not need to be finding him any jobs, supporting him, or helping him in any way.
Let him fall, as a recovering addict, I know I needed a reason to change.
The drug took away painful things I did not want to deal with, made my life easier in many ways. So I couldn't see how it was hurting me. If you don't let someone fall, face the drugs consequence, there is no reason to change.
Eventually for most of us, the drug becomes a source of pain instead of a source of comfort, and we start to understand that maybe, just maybe drugs are not the answer.

But you have to let him fall, and figure it out on his own, the more you protect him and try and save him, the longer he will think it is the drug that is helping to make his life easier.



:ghug3

**{Welcome to SR}}

peaceteach

Hi Sobera,

You sound strong, girl! Good for you! I've read several stories here from sisters and brothers in similar situations, so I hope you continue to post and also read back in the posts and up on the stickies above.

It IS wrong that your brother is taking you down in his addiction, and you are so right to be standing up for yourself. Take some time to learn about codependency and how we, as loved ones, wind up doing more harm than good trying to "help" our addicted loved ones.

I know I tried for years to help mine, and nothing worked until they themselves decided they had had enough of pain and suffering due to using. They need to face the consequences of their choices in order for them to truly want to quit. You nor your parents can teach that lesson. Stand strong, Sobera. YOUR life is ahead of you and you get to choose every day who you want in it, and what you will and will not tolerate.

Hangin' In

Welcome, Sobera, to SR. I'm glad you've found this place because there is lots of good support here for people who are feeling just like you do.

Your parents are probably in what we call denial and just don't want to face what is really going on. If your brother is truly addicted/alcoholic, it's not by choice. It's not a thing he can quit just by willpower. But he has to first admit he has a problem before he can start working on himself.

In the meantime, you're building up all this anger and resentment because you feel like you have to take care of him. My recovery (I go to Al Anon and read on this board) has taught me that it is not my job to rescue my addicted/alcoholic loved one. When I do that, I am only helping her stay in her addiction by taking away what should be her responsibility. For instance, your brother is 30 years old. He should be finding his own jobs. That's not your responsibility.

Don't know if that makes any sense to you, but just keep reading on here. There are lots of people here who will understand what you are saying and can offer more insight.

Hugs,
Hangin' In

sobera

Thanks for the support! You don't know how much this means to me. I've been really bothered by me brother's problem. No one in my family seems to be doing anything and every time I try to help, I become the devil's advocate. I just hope I won't waver. Lord knows I'm a push-over when it comes to my parents asking me for help.

itisatruth

Do as others have said: stop enabling him to do more drugs and get further into his addiction, and don't feel bad about it, he needs much more than easy ways out and you need to find some peace of mind.

rahsue

well you could use those lovely 3 words we learned so long ago

JUST SAY NO

good luck, you sound like you know what you"re doing

caileesnana

As hard as it is to let go of someone you love, it is the only way to help them! agree w/ all above,

mom of an addict,
susan