liesagain

As I was working on some of my continuing education requirements

I read the following and thought how very much this applies to the experiences I've had over the last 2 years with my AH................just thought I'd share because I never really looked at it as loss/bereavement

Invisible loss-- occurs when what one believes differs from what is reality.

In order to move beyond the loss and into the work of grief and onto the outcome or resolution the person experiencing the loss has to accept the reality of the loss.

I guess I never really looked at his using and the fact that hes an addict in the sense that ----this reality is a loss for me. A loss that I need to accept and move thru the grief process. In a sense thats exactally what I have been doing these last two years but didnt really see it before now...........

funny how that happens hun

itisatruth

When you really think about it, something did die or is dying.....the relationship or the love, which to me is such a huge part of me. It often makes me sad when I think how good our relationship used to be and that I'm not sure if we could ever get there again.

greeteachday

Wow Lies, interesting thought. i find myself looking at things with different perspectives sometimes just reading a quote like this. Thanks

BayAreaPhoenix

Reality is what we have today. Thanks for reminding us that it is not just physical loss that we grieve, but our hopes and dreams - for they have their place in our reality, they can propel us forward but the death of a dream or hope is just as painful as losing a loved one. We lose what we had looked forward to, an ideal.

This disease sometimes, takes away not just today, but our tomorrows too. Blessed are those who get a 2nd chance for a 2nd dream - but never again will those dreams be as real as they once were.

katiedid79

Ive been trying to come to this conclusion myself. The loss of the person and know that I will never get that back. Its hard. Im haveing allot of trouble with it. This is one of my goals that Im going to ask the therapist to help me deal with. At least when someone dies they are no longer there in a physical sense , but coming to terms with the addict and realizing that they may never be that person agian and greiving for that loss when you have to come home everyday and look at them , thats vary hard. Well you dont have to come home and look at them I suppose. But there still around in some sense...

steelhead

I am right there with you. You just never know if you can ever love the person the way you did before, it is a very hard thing to overcome. I know inside i can never trust my Wife, at least the way i did. The latest promblem i have had, is thinking of the old good times, and you may wonder why that is a bad thing, but when i do that, i start to get false hope. So it is a tough spot to be in.

katiedid79

I think my mom was right about never being able to trust that person agian and basically it will always be a problem . I guess getting over and detaching from the addict dosnt happen over night , so I guess I can only take it one day at a time , I guess this is part of the grieving process.

AbsentFriend

I never knew why I felt like I was grieving something after every NA meeting I went to with my ex-boyfriend.

Now I know. Thank you.

imallright

I echo it all. I keep struggling with why I feel sad and why I have had trouble moving forward. Katie... thank you. Your words about losing someone to death vs. addiction hit home for me. When someone dies, you know what happened and you are forced to deal with the reality. For me, with addiciton, I have trouble understanding, and realizing what is wrong or what got lost, because the addict is still there. It is the love and trust that has died and that is hard to grasp, IMO. Because the physical person is still here, somehow I keep feeling something and thinking maybe things could have been different...but not with the "third person" in our relationship. Sad

Ann

I think for many of us, most certainly for me, when I began to face the reality of addiction it was much like Sept. 11th in that I knew my world would never be the same again. Something had changed that could never be unchanged and I was walking in strange confusion.

Nobody wants addiction to touch their lives, most people think they could not handle that. We do get through this, we survive and we go forward stronger for the journey.

Hugs

lil516

Accepting the reality of what is can truly be a loss....
I know it was for me...
I "lost" the son I wanted (and loved)...
I "lost" the role of soccer mom I played so well...

this journey has changed me in ways I never could have imagined....
some are sad and some changes meant the loss of things I valued

but just for today, there are also some wonderful changes...I am stronger, wiser and more compassionate

thanks for a thoughtful post