Hello
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 36
Hello
Hi everyone. I am new here. I started by writing a blog. I thought it would maybe serve a a journal for me to look back on when we have beaten this beast. My husband is suffering an addiction to Oxycontin. He has 5 days sober today and I am praying to god we make it through this time. Rather than post my story again I am inserting my first blog:
I think I am here for help.
I am realizing that I do not have the answers that I thought were so black and white. Its all gray now.
I am Dawn. I have been married for nearly 10 years and have 2 beautiful little girls, 8 and 4. I just graduated from nursing school (with a 4.0!!), so you'd think that I would be a little more prepared to handle this.
I'll start at the beginning. We were married young. Had our first little girl at 21. I guess I was naieve, because I thought his steroid use was not a deal. I mean, it made him look healthy, right. That was a difficult hump to get over.
So, here we are, 2 beautiful little girls and priorities have shifted. He kicked his addiction to the juice and life is really great. Until the bank statement comes in. I cant figure out who these huge charges are to. Out of Las Vegas? We havent been in Vegas. Two months later, $21,000!!!! I guess you could say it was now a gambling addiction. We couldnt afford private school for the kids, but Poker and sports betting, that was fine. Man, I think I had to beat it in his head before he woke up. And that was that.
I cant understand why he cant just be addicted to me?? I make him feel attractive like the steroids; I am fun and exciting like the gambling. And our girls...God, they are amazing!!
So, at last...he is only addicted to work. I can handle that. 16 hour days - its only temporary. Besides, we are finally able to build our dream home and I just got a new Lexus. Life is great, right!?
Im not sure when or how he first hurt his back. Maybe it was the bodybuilding and lifting such heavy weight. He didnt carry as much muscle anymore since he was off the steroids. Maybe it was that stupid stent in "professional" wrestling that did him in. Either way, it hurt all over. I felt terrible for him. I insisted he go to the doctor and get it checked out. Bad idea!! Wrong doctor!!
I think they started him on 20mg of oxycodone 4 times a day?? Oh, and 8mg of Xanax a day. Yes, I said 8mg!! And the doctor said that was so he could sleep. Right. Things are starting to change.
Maybe it was the crappy real estate market shift or my being in school. Our account was dry. In Feb we made $230,000 on one apartment conversion deal and in Sept, we were pulling an equity line on the home. The bank appraised it at $1.4 million. We had plenty of equity. No problem...
Here we are, no money, no work, depressed as anything, and then it happened. He ran out of pills early. It hadnt been that long, so he cant be physically addicted, I thought. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. I wanted to make it all go away, but couldnt. He just had to bear the withdrawls until he could get into the doctors and get more. Only, "I better ask him to increase my dosage so this wont happen again," he said.
I wanted to scream. Oh, and by the way, the doctor hasnt even ordered MRI or CT scan number one. Who cares WHY he is in pain...as long as we can get him to buy the drugs to treat it from us.
My husband once told me that the office waiting room looked like a crack house. People getting sick, sweating, crying. And forget about an appointment. He once waited 8 and a half hours to see the doctor. No lie!!
Now it has reached up to 650mg of Oxy a day. And I cant figure out why Im finding these little straws everywhere!!! Not to mention the little, blue, M&M looking pills he would drop in his stupor from the Xanax. My baby (now 4) LOVES M&M's. Ive packed our things so many times by this point, I think the hotel had my credit card on file.
My oldest kept asking why Daddy slept on the couch so much. 1pm, 4pm, 9pm, that was where you would find him. The same man who made nearly $400,000 the previous year was now filing bankruptcy and foreclosure on not one, but 2 homes. (We owned the condo his Mother lived in). His once, 240lbs and 8% bodyfat physique is now 180lbs, pale, and smelly. I would beg him to shower or brush his teeth.
We would argue, and now it was in front of the girls. I couldnt keep myself under control. How could he betray us like this? His answer, its my medicine!!! The doctor says I need it!!! Sure, sweety. He said to snort enough Oxy to kill a cattle of elephants and while you're at it, eat a few bars of Xanax to "relax". God, why cant I make him understand what he is doing to our family?
But, on Nov 5, we got the call I knew was coming. You see, my husband was not the only one abusing these drugs. He had not one friend, not one, who wasnt on them. Some ate them casually while hanging out with friends. Some crushed them and snorted them for the faster rush. And Robby, he was actually injecting it. I couldnt even picture it. The same guy who once told me he didnt drink because he was "high on life baby!" The one with the biggest heart of the bunch. Robby was dead. Oh, my God! We were floored. How could this happen, it wasnt a big deal. They had all thought. I knew it was. I was terrified that call was going to come for me. How would I tell my girls? I couldnt take it anymore. In the next 4 months there were 4 more deaths. All from the same pills my husband was abusing. One of his friends even robbed a pharmacy at gunpoint and is facing such a long prison sentence.
I begged, and pleaded. I told his mother, my mother, everyone I could tell. No one was able to get through to him. He has since admitted it was the fear of withdrawl that kept him denying that he needed help. I was so ashamed, but I knew what I had to do. I marched myself over to my next door neighbors home, Dr. K, and asked for help. He said he had something that would really help. Suboxone was new, but was supposed to be the miracle drug.
I was so proud that my big, brave husband wanted to do this for me. He was going to brave the horror that is opiate detox to save our family. We did it at home. He started with 16mg of Suboxone and tapered down. 4 weeks and he claimed he didnt even think about the pills anymore. That lasted 3 weeks. I didnt know, but he was only clean for 3 weeks! We all praised him for his strenght and told him how proud of him we were.
I should have known sooner. He stopped eating, but said he was having stomach problems. He spent more time on the toilet again from the constipation. He stopped leaving the house or even talking on the phone again. I knew I had to find them. I searched everywhere, but couldnt find the pills. I didnt want to accuse him and cause a fight. Then the alarm buzzer to the garage door started dinging really often. Geeze, he is being really great about taking the garbage out. Then I found the powder on the bathroom counter. The tiniest taste and I knew he had relapsed. I ransacked the garage...Why is this golf bag out? He hasnt gone golfing in months?
Same doctor, Same script, but this time, there was liquid Oxy too. 30mg with a little dropper. How cute, they cook it up for you now! This same doctor, who he had begged for help in getting off of the pills. This same guy who told him there was no treatment program for opiates. This same guy who pre-printed the scripts, so you'll have to wait until next month to lower your dose because we dont have time to change it. He had allowed this. Then I realized, OMG! We dont have insurance anymore! How did he pay for this? $1400 for one month! I know because I checked with the pharmacy.
He promised again. If I would just support him and be understanding, we would beat this. Like it all fell in my lap. It all depended on weather I stayed or left. This time it lasted 4 weeks. I found the bottles inside the couch coushins.
Do I leave? No, he'll kill himself. Do I tell him Im sorry for not being more supportive? Should I be angry? Should I be sad? ****, maybe I should just pop a pill and Ill feel better too.
April 1st he took his last pill. I watched him peel the blue coating off of it and crush it up with a razor blade. He snorted it down, half in each side. I wanted to puke. But, it was over! We are going to make it through this. I mean, we have lost EVERYTHING. Lexus is picking up our 2 cars next week (repo). The bank agrees to let us stay here until June before they take our home back. And life is going to be easier when we leave Florida and move our family to Tennessee. There will be no more influence or availability. We just have to make it 6 more weeks. I will help him!
This morning he was ransacking the house. He admitted he was searching for a pill he might have dropped. He was craving it so bad! He would actually be excited to find that he left a pill that our baby could eat and die from. As long as he could catch a fix. I tried to calm him down. Lets talk honey. We can look at old pictures of the girls, or watch a movie, or take a bath...Its already been 2 weeks without a pill, you can do it.
"Im sorry. Its only been 3 days," he tells me. It is never going to end is it? I mean all we have left is our lives and love for one another. At least we cant loose that, right?
I will say another prayer tonight that God protect him and heal him. We move the last week of May. We dont know anyone there. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Its so beautiful and peaceful. Maybe God will answer my prayers and give him back to me. Its so lonely living with this empty shell.
This was yesterday. Today is another day to add. I am hopeful that 5 days sober is just the beginning.
Thank you to everyone who has been so welcoming to me. You have no idea how great it has been.
XOXO
Dawn
I think I am here for help.
I am realizing that I do not have the answers that I thought were so black and white. Its all gray now.
I am Dawn. I have been married for nearly 10 years and have 2 beautiful little girls, 8 and 4. I just graduated from nursing school (with a 4.0!!), so you'd think that I would be a little more prepared to handle this.
I'll start at the beginning. We were married young. Had our first little girl at 21. I guess I was naieve, because I thought his steroid use was not a deal. I mean, it made him look healthy, right. That was a difficult hump to get over.
So, here we are, 2 beautiful little girls and priorities have shifted. He kicked his addiction to the juice and life is really great. Until the bank statement comes in. I cant figure out who these huge charges are to. Out of Las Vegas? We havent been in Vegas. Two months later, $21,000!!!! I guess you could say it was now a gambling addiction. We couldnt afford private school for the kids, but Poker and sports betting, that was fine. Man, I think I had to beat it in his head before he woke up. And that was that.
I cant understand why he cant just be addicted to me?? I make him feel attractive like the steroids; I am fun and exciting like the gambling. And our girls...God, they are amazing!!
So, at last...he is only addicted to work. I can handle that. 16 hour days - its only temporary. Besides, we are finally able to build our dream home and I just got a new Lexus. Life is great, right!?
Im not sure when or how he first hurt his back. Maybe it was the bodybuilding and lifting such heavy weight. He didnt carry as much muscle anymore since he was off the steroids. Maybe it was that stupid stent in "professional" wrestling that did him in. Either way, it hurt all over. I felt terrible for him. I insisted he go to the doctor and get it checked out. Bad idea!! Wrong doctor!!
I think they started him on 20mg of oxycodone 4 times a day?? Oh, and 8mg of Xanax a day. Yes, I said 8mg!! And the doctor said that was so he could sleep. Right. Things are starting to change.
Maybe it was the crappy real estate market shift or my being in school. Our account was dry. In Feb we made $230,000 on one apartment conversion deal and in Sept, we were pulling an equity line on the home. The bank appraised it at $1.4 million. We had plenty of equity. No problem...
Here we are, no money, no work, depressed as anything, and then it happened. He ran out of pills early. It hadnt been that long, so he cant be physically addicted, I thought. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. I wanted to make it all go away, but couldnt. He just had to bear the withdrawls until he could get into the doctors and get more. Only, "I better ask him to increase my dosage so this wont happen again," he said.
I wanted to scream. Oh, and by the way, the doctor hasnt even ordered MRI or CT scan number one. Who cares WHY he is in pain...as long as we can get him to buy the drugs to treat it from us.
My husband once told me that the office waiting room looked like a crack house. People getting sick, sweating, crying. And forget about an appointment. He once waited 8 and a half hours to see the doctor. No lie!!
Now it has reached up to 650mg of Oxy a day. And I cant figure out why Im finding these little straws everywhere!!! Not to mention the little, blue, M&M looking pills he would drop in his stupor from the Xanax. My baby (now 4) LOVES M&M's. Ive packed our things so many times by this point, I think the hotel had my credit card on file.
My oldest kept asking why Daddy slept on the couch so much. 1pm, 4pm, 9pm, that was where you would find him. The same man who made nearly $400,000 the previous year was now filing bankruptcy and foreclosure on not one, but 2 homes. (We owned the condo his Mother lived in). His once, 240lbs and 8% bodyfat physique is now 180lbs, pale, and smelly. I would beg him to shower or brush his teeth.
We would argue, and now it was in front of the girls. I couldnt keep myself under control. How could he betray us like this? His answer, its my medicine!!! The doctor says I need it!!! Sure, sweety. He said to snort enough Oxy to kill a cattle of elephants and while you're at it, eat a few bars of Xanax to "relax". God, why cant I make him understand what he is doing to our family?
But, on Nov 5, we got the call I knew was coming. You see, my husband was not the only one abusing these drugs. He had not one friend, not one, who wasnt on them. Some ate them casually while hanging out with friends. Some crushed them and snorted them for the faster rush. And Robby, he was actually injecting it. I couldnt even picture it. The same guy who once told me he didnt drink because he was "high on life baby!" The one with the biggest heart of the bunch. Robby was dead. Oh, my God! We were floored. How could this happen, it wasnt a big deal. They had all thought. I knew it was. I was terrified that call was going to come for me. How would I tell my girls? I couldnt take it anymore. In the next 4 months there were 4 more deaths. All from the same pills my husband was abusing. One of his friends even robbed a pharmacy at gunpoint and is facing such a long prison sentence.
I begged, and pleaded. I told his mother, my mother, everyone I could tell. No one was able to get through to him. He has since admitted it was the fear of withdrawl that kept him denying that he needed help. I was so ashamed, but I knew what I had to do. I marched myself over to my next door neighbors home, Dr. K, and asked for help. He said he had something that would really help. Suboxone was new, but was supposed to be the miracle drug.
I was so proud that my big, brave husband wanted to do this for me. He was going to brave the horror that is opiate detox to save our family. We did it at home. He started with 16mg of Suboxone and tapered down. 4 weeks and he claimed he didnt even think about the pills anymore. That lasted 3 weeks. I didnt know, but he was only clean for 3 weeks! We all praised him for his strenght and told him how proud of him we were.
I should have known sooner. He stopped eating, but said he was having stomach problems. He spent more time on the toilet again from the constipation. He stopped leaving the house or even talking on the phone again. I knew I had to find them. I searched everywhere, but couldnt find the pills. I didnt want to accuse him and cause a fight. Then the alarm buzzer to the garage door started dinging really often. Geeze, he is being really great about taking the garbage out. Then I found the powder on the bathroom counter. The tiniest taste and I knew he had relapsed. I ransacked the garage...Why is this golf bag out? He hasnt gone golfing in months?
Same doctor, Same script, but this time, there was liquid Oxy too. 30mg with a little dropper. How cute, they cook it up for you now! This same doctor, who he had begged for help in getting off of the pills. This same guy who told him there was no treatment program for opiates. This same guy who pre-printed the scripts, so you'll have to wait until next month to lower your dose because we dont have time to change it. He had allowed this. Then I realized, OMG! We dont have insurance anymore! How did he pay for this? $1400 for one month! I know because I checked with the pharmacy.
He promised again. If I would just support him and be understanding, we would beat this. Like it all fell in my lap. It all depended on weather I stayed or left. This time it lasted 4 weeks. I found the bottles inside the couch coushins.
Do I leave? No, he'll kill himself. Do I tell him Im sorry for not being more supportive? Should I be angry? Should I be sad? ****, maybe I should just pop a pill and Ill feel better too.
April 1st he took his last pill. I watched him peel the blue coating off of it and crush it up with a razor blade. He snorted it down, half in each side. I wanted to puke. But, it was over! We are going to make it through this. I mean, we have lost EVERYTHING. Lexus is picking up our 2 cars next week (repo). The bank agrees to let us stay here until June before they take our home back. And life is going to be easier when we leave Florida and move our family to Tennessee. There will be no more influence or availability. We just have to make it 6 more weeks. I will help him!
This morning he was ransacking the house. He admitted he was searching for a pill he might have dropped. He was craving it so bad! He would actually be excited to find that he left a pill that our baby could eat and die from. As long as he could catch a fix. I tried to calm him down. Lets talk honey. We can look at old pictures of the girls, or watch a movie, or take a bath...Its already been 2 weeks without a pill, you can do it.
"Im sorry. Its only been 3 days," he tells me. It is never going to end is it? I mean all we have left is our lives and love for one another. At least we cant loose that, right?
I will say another prayer tonight that God protect him and heal him. We move the last week of May. We dont know anyone there. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Its so beautiful and peaceful. Maybe God will answer my prayers and give him back to me. Its so lonely living with this empty shell.
This was yesterday. Today is another day to add. I am hopeful that 5 days sober is just the beginning.
Thank you to everyone who has been so welcoming to me. You have no idea how great it has been.
XOXO
Dawn
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Dawn,
Welcome to SR and thanks for sharing your story. Your story so vividly paints the picture of living in active addiction.
Your home and life is unmanageable as Step 1 says. Have you looked into an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting for yourself? Doesn't matter if your husband won't seek treatment. You need to find some help for you in all of this. This board is a great source of support and face to face meetings would only add more support. There are hundreds of folks like you, with a very similar story, who are in recovery and are seeing a better way to live. I pray you'll seek some support for yourself because that's what recovery is all about.
A geographical change may help your husband, but as we say, "you take yourself with you." I hope your husband will hit a bottom and seek some type of recovery. And whether he does or not, you need to take healthy care of yourself so you can be the best mom you can be.
Remember the 3 C's: You did not CAUSE his addiction; you can't CURE his addiction, and your can't CONTROL it. It's his to deal with and until he's ready, there is nothing you can say or do that will make him get it.
I'm praying for your husband, you, and your precious little girls.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR and thanks for sharing your story. Your story so vividly paints the picture of living in active addiction.
Your home and life is unmanageable as Step 1 says. Have you looked into an Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting for yourself? Doesn't matter if your husband won't seek treatment. You need to find some help for you in all of this. This board is a great source of support and face to face meetings would only add more support. There are hundreds of folks like you, with a very similar story, who are in recovery and are seeing a better way to live. I pray you'll seek some support for yourself because that's what recovery is all about.
A geographical change may help your husband, but as we say, "you take yourself with you." I hope your husband will hit a bottom and seek some type of recovery. And whether he does or not, you need to take healthy care of yourself so you can be the best mom you can be.
Remember the 3 C's: You did not CAUSE his addiction; you can't CURE his addiction, and your can't CONTROL it. It's his to deal with and until he's ready, there is nothing you can say or do that will make him get it.
I'm praying for your husband, you, and your precious little girls.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 21
agreement
Wow, Danishthorn, your life sounds similar to mine. My boyfriend like yours, took steroids, and has done so much damage from weight lifting and bodybuilding that he is in constant pain. The difference is I think he is on steroids again, working out again, (after numerous injuries) And now he is addicted to vicoden and moving to bigger drugs. I can't stand it! Do you feel overwhelmed and angry all the time, because that is how I feel. I hope that your hubby really beats this thing. Your family is in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 36
Thank you guys.
Hangin' In - I was actually just looking up some local meetings. To be honest, my only fear is not being with him for that time period. Lately, I have been at his side constantly. He got a speeding ticket, elected driving school and didnt do it, so his license is suspended. So, he is afraid to drive in fear of going to jail. I have been dragging my feet on getting the fines paid and his license reinstated so that he cant drive. I know its silly to think I can control him like that, but it is a little more control than I had last week when he says he relapsed.
Eddison - I feel for you sister. They think that steroids are okay because they make them look better. What they dont realize while they are taking them is that they are different. Unfortunately, they dont come down from them for weeks, so it is constant. They are just as dangerous. I read your post and see that we are going through a very similar situation. Please try to get him to research Oxycontin and its addiction before his is too deep into it. People think they can use this drug recreationally or just short term for a torn muscle or something, not knowing that the physical addiction happens very quickly. Try to have him look at www .oxyabusekills .com there are hundreds of memorials on there of people who passed from this drug. Some were long term users, some had only had the prescription a few days. Its very sad. It is important for them to see both sides of the story. God bless you in this rough time and thanks for the support!
-Dawn
Hangin' In - I was actually just looking up some local meetings. To be honest, my only fear is not being with him for that time period. Lately, I have been at his side constantly. He got a speeding ticket, elected driving school and didnt do it, so his license is suspended. So, he is afraid to drive in fear of going to jail. I have been dragging my feet on getting the fines paid and his license reinstated so that he cant drive. I know its silly to think I can control him like that, but it is a little more control than I had last week when he says he relapsed.
Eddison - I feel for you sister. They think that steroids are okay because they make them look better. What they dont realize while they are taking them is that they are different. Unfortunately, they dont come down from them for weeks, so it is constant. They are just as dangerous. I read your post and see that we are going through a very similar situation. Please try to get him to research Oxycontin and its addiction before his is too deep into it. People think they can use this drug recreationally or just short term for a torn muscle or something, not knowing that the physical addiction happens very quickly. Try to have him look at www .oxyabusekills .com there are hundreds of memorials on there of people who passed from this drug. Some were long term users, some had only had the prescription a few days. Its very sad. It is important for them to see both sides of the story. God bless you in this rough time and thanks for the support!
-Dawn
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Danish,
I understand what you are saying, but you cannot police anyone 24/7. Believe you me, I tried and it sucked the life out of me. You see, that is what addiction does in a family, gets us (the wife, mother, codie
) so focused on the addicted/alcoholic, that we stop living our lives while trying to control theirs which is impossible. See the insanity of it all?
Treat yourself to a meeting. Your husband's HP is in charge of him and will be there while you're getting some help for yourself.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
I understand what you are saying, but you cannot police anyone 24/7. Believe you me, I tried and it sucked the life out of me. You see, that is what addiction does in a family, gets us (the wife, mother, codie
) so focused on the addicted/alcoholic, that we stop living our lives while trying to control theirs which is impossible. See the insanity of it all?Treat yourself to a meeting. Your husband's HP is in charge of him and will be there while you're getting some help for yourself.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Danish! Nice to see you over here on the family and friends forum. I hope that you take the time to read some of the posts by others who are struggling with addiction and spouses, and to read the "stickies" at the top of the page. I sense that you are desperately trying to control your husband's actions so that he won't use. We all have been there. This is going to sound very contrary to that type of thinking, but please believe me when I tell you that trying to control an addict is NOT the way to go about dealing with this situation. Reading up on codependency and your actions and sufferings by being married to an addict will be very eye-opening and, at times, gut-wrenching. I was so shocked when I read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, which is written for those who love addicts/alcoholics, because I saw myself on almost every page. I had never realized the toll that living with an A had taken on me. I was truly no longer the person I used to be, my whole life revolving around my spouse.
This is a very long road, Danish. It is rare that an addict can "quit" on his own without help from professionals. Has your husband talked with anyone about treatment options or gone to any nar-anon meetings?
This is a very long road, Danish. It is rare that an addict can "quit" on his own without help from professionals. Has your husband talked with anyone about treatment options or gone to any nar-anon meetings?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by Hangin' In 
A geographical change may help your husband, but as we say, "you take yourself with you." I
Dawn, I'm sorry that addiction is affecting your life, but I am glad you are taking steps for yourself: joining this site and journaling/blogging. Just knowing there are others out there who are going thru similar things and taking the time to share makes things more bearable for me.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Originally Posted by Danishthorn
To be honest, my only fear is not being with him for that time period.
If I leave, something will happen. That's FEAR...false evidence appearing real.
You can't live like that or you will never leave his side. Time to help yourself and turn him over to his HP. You're powerless over him anyway. He is the only one who can make the choice to use or not use. And if you think staying home with him will keep him from using, you are fooling yourself.
Here's an example: Addict was home, upstairs, so the mother felt like all was okay. Addict had crawled out the window, on to the roof and was smoking pot right smack dab there on top of the house, while mama sat downstairs thinking everything was fine and dandy because she had her son at home and she just knew he was behaving when she was able to keep him home. Not so, not so.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
Here's another example...
mom is sitting downstairs watching tv...son was tired so he went upstairs to bed....thankfully dad went up not too soon after because he found son in his bed...overdosed on heroin...911 called in the nick of time
you can't control an addict 24/7
bad things can happen even on your watch
my prayers for you and your family
your story was heartbreaking to read...
mom is sitting downstairs watching tv...son was tired so he went upstairs to bed....thankfully dad went up not too soon after because he found son in his bed...overdosed on heroin...911 called in the nick of time
you can't control an addict 24/7
bad things can happen even on your watch
my prayers for you and your family
your story was heartbreaking to read...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
So many similarities to my situation, yet so many things different as well. It's what brings us together. Where you are strong, I am weak and where you are weak, I am strong. Wouldn't we make a perfect person if you could just glue is together?
I will send out prayers for you. One day at a time. I'm sure you've heard it a thousand times.
Sending you lots of light and love.
I will send out prayers for you. One day at a time. I'm sure you've heard it a thousand times.
Sending you lots of light and love.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 36
Again, thank you so much for talking to me.
I know. I know what you are saying. I keep telling myself that I have to let go and let him heal on his own. Its just very hard because I want to protect him. He has been very open with me about it these past few days, even going as far as telling me how bad he was craving the other day. I want to be able to keep those lines of communication open. I want to have him tell me, rather than find pills and be let down. He is really feeling like crap too. He keeps saying, "Im a failure, Im a looser, etc". I actually feel sorry for him for once. I have bipolar disorder and Lupus and he has stood by my side and dealt with my faults, so I feel like as his wife, I should do the same. Then, on the other side of the coin, I know I need to put myself and my children first. Its a double edged sward.
I have been talking to him about going to a meeting. He seems interested, but ashamed to see someone who knows him. Unfortunately, because of the community we live in, he is very well known. We became very successful very young and people like to talk about him. Of course, when we were on top and everyone thought we worth millions, they loved us. Now that we arent doing well financially, we are the talk of the town. Everyone knows about his addiction, but most think he has beaten it. He is afraid for everyone to know he is still struggling. I am trying to get him to go to a meeting that is like 30 min away, so he can avoid that.
You are so right about policing him. I found out that the last prescription he went and got, he did while I was sick and sleeping in bed. I had not idea he had even left the house. That was the one that he spent $1600 of our bill money on.
I know. I know what you are saying. I keep telling myself that I have to let go and let him heal on his own. Its just very hard because I want to protect him. He has been very open with me about it these past few days, even going as far as telling me how bad he was craving the other day. I want to be able to keep those lines of communication open. I want to have him tell me, rather than find pills and be let down. He is really feeling like crap too. He keeps saying, "Im a failure, Im a looser, etc". I actually feel sorry for him for once. I have bipolar disorder and Lupus and he has stood by my side and dealt with my faults, so I feel like as his wife, I should do the same. Then, on the other side of the coin, I know I need to put myself and my children first. Its a double edged sward.
I have been talking to him about going to a meeting. He seems interested, but ashamed to see someone who knows him. Unfortunately, because of the community we live in, he is very well known. We became very successful very young and people like to talk about him. Of course, when we were on top and everyone thought we worth millions, they loved us. Now that we arent doing well financially, we are the talk of the town. Everyone knows about his addiction, but most think he has beaten it. He is afraid for everyone to know he is still struggling. I am trying to get him to go to a meeting that is like 30 min away, so he can avoid that.
You are so right about policing him. I found out that the last prescription he went and got, he did while I was sick and sleeping in bed. I had not idea he had even left the house. That was the one that he spent $1600 of our bill money on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time. Addiction is a terrible, terrible thing. My AH has also had several addictions..including gambling, work, and later, the codeine. That doctor sounds awful! Unfortunately, there seem to be plenty of doctors around who are willing to hand out pain pills like candy.
Has he looked into going to a counselor? My AH went to a substance abuse counselor, and it seemed to help. She gave him lots of info...tools for him to use in his recovery.
Make sure that you take care of yourself. I know that you have a lot on your plate, but you are important!
I'm praying for you & your family.
Has he looked into going to a counselor? My AH went to a substance abuse counselor, and it seemed to help. She gave him lots of info...tools for him to use in his recovery.
Make sure that you take care of yourself. I know that you have a lot on your plate, but you are important!
I'm praying for you & your family.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
Oh Danish---Addiction really sucks doesn't it?! My husband is a recovering addict. His DOC was xanax. So addictive and sooooo very dangerous to withdraw from.
He's worried about going to meetings for fear of being seen by someone he knows? Well, they're there for the very same reason.
Have you found a meeting yet?
What peaceteach says is so true. I had the same, exact same, reaction to that book. Its a great read and a huge eye opener. Maybe you can pick a copy up.
(((danish)))) Keep posting.
He's worried about going to meetings for fear of being seen by someone he knows? Well, they're there for the very same reason.
Have you found a meeting yet?
I was so shocked when I read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, which is written for those who love addicts/alcoholics, because I saw myself on almost every page. I had never realized the toll that living with an A had taken on me. I was truly no longer the person I used to be, my whole life revolving around my spouse
(((danish)))) Keep posting.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
I've found a good life over the last 25 years - even though one of the alcoholic sons in my life couldn't get back into recovery. Going to Alanon and learning new ways to act was the "hardest" best thing I've ever done in my life.
And guess what - today that son has 9 months!! T
As long as there is breath, there is hope!
Jody
And guess what - today that son has 9 months!! T
As long as there is breath, there is hope!
Jody
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 36
No, so far I have not gotten him to meet with counselors. I have been buying lots of books though, and he is attempting to read some of them. I think right now, his heart is in the right place. As long as he is telling me the truth. We all know how that goes.
Thank you to everyone who has offered kind words and advice. I am feeling so much better about my situation after finding this site. I am planning to attend a meeting tonight Wish me luck!
Thank you to everyone who has offered kind words and advice. I am feeling so much better about my situation after finding this site. I am planning to attend a meeting tonight
Wish me luck!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope your husband wants recovery. I really do. I hope he gets better and stays committed. Unfortunately you can't do it for him. Usually, addicts can't get better on their own. They need the support of other recovering addicts. Even worse, the support of family and friends sometimes acts as an anchor holding them back from recovery - protecting them from the full effects of their addiction and giving them excuses not to get better.
What does your gut tell you Danish? Do you really think he is done? And if not, then what are your boundaries? Cuz I didn't read them anywhere.... Maybe focus on yourself and learning how to set boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable behavior in your home so that at least you have something to fall back on.
Keep posting. Take care of yourself and your girls. I couldn't imagine what I would tell my son if I still let his daddy sleep his life away on the couch in front of him. I'm so glad I don't have his addiction in my face anymore.
What does your gut tell you Danish? Do you really think he is done? And if not, then what are your boundaries? Cuz I didn't read them anywhere.... Maybe focus on yourself and learning how to set boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable behavior in your home so that at least you have something to fall back on.
Keep posting. Take care of yourself and your girls. I couldn't imagine what I would tell my son if I still let his daddy sleep his life away on the couch in front of him. I'm so glad I don't have his addiction in my face anymore.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Hi. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope your husband wants recovery. I really do. I hope he gets better and stays committed. Unfortunately you can't do it for him. Usually, addicts can't get better on their own. They need the support of other recovering addicts. Even worse, the support of family and friends sometimes acts as an anchor holding them back from recovery - protecting them from the full effects of their addiction and giving them excuses not to get better.
What does your gut tell you Danish? Do you really think he is done? And if not, then what are your boundaries? Cuz I didn't read them anywhere.... Maybe focus on yourself and learning how to set boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable behavior in your home so that at least you have something to fall back on.
Keep posting. Take care of yourself and your girls. I couldn't imagine what I would tell my son if I still let his daddy sleep his life away on the couch in front of him. I'm so glad I don't have his addiction in my face anymore.
What does your gut tell you Danish? Do you really think he is done? And if not, then what are your boundaries? Cuz I didn't read them anywhere.... Maybe focus on yourself and learning how to set boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable behavior in your home so that at least you have something to fall back on.
Keep posting. Take care of yourself and your girls. I couldn't imagine what I would tell my son if I still let his daddy sleep his life away on the couch in front of him. I'm so glad I don't have his addiction in my face anymore.
You sound like a survivor!
I have set boundries in the past, but I caved and stayed with him. I feel like I am supposed to support him, but I not supposed to enable him.
As of right now, he has been talking about it with me. He has been telling me when it is on his mind and so forth. He has never done that before. It has always been sneaking around and hiding it. And when he did that, he slipped. I think what we are doing is working so far. I just dont know how long I can handle seeing him a nervous wreck over a stipid little pill. He has even gone as far as to tell me the truth about how much he was doing. He used to tell me that it was only as prescribed and by mouth. He admits now that he snorted it and that he had taken as much as 240mg at one time.
His friend Jason, who lost his brother to an overdose in November is also and addict and came over the other night. He had a fight with his wife (about cocaine) and left the house. Come to find out, they had a physical altercation and he is in jail as we speak. I was so angry when he had the nerve to come over to my home when he has given my husband pills since he went through the Suboxone. Then again I cant blame him for what my husband did.
I definately dont want to hold him back in his recovery. I am just trying to learn what is the best thing for me and my girls. I hope I am making the right choices. I dont want to set a bad example for them or have them resent me later.
Thanks again!!
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
well I'M probably gonna sound like a real party pooper here.....but Danish so far we have :
No, so far I have not gotten him to meet with counselors. I have been buying lots of books though, and he is attempting to read some of them. I think right now, his heart is in the right place. As long as he is telling me the truth. We all know how that goes.
YOU'VE tried just about everything under the sun, bless your heart, but what has HE done????? really? besides flap his gums? As of right now, he has been talking about it with me.
talks cheap. see the MORE you allow his behavior to continue in your house - tearing the place apart looking for pills, etc, but that's forgiven cuz now he's TALKING about it, the more ROOM you keep giving him to keep doing what he's doing.
ten years now right? started out with 'roids....gambling.....work.......pain killers.....i'm gonna guess maybe cocaine too if his buddy was doing it.....and god knows what else. he's continual shifted from one "substance" to another to another.....and taken you and the kids along (willingly) while he keeps trying to find the next big ESCAPE, the next big RUSH......
here's the tough question....YOU'VE been there for TEN years? being a loving supportive wife. has that changed a damn thing? has he or has he not continued on his merry addict way, REGARDLESS of what YOU do?
YOU can't do one damn thing FOR him. as a matter of fact everything you DO do, reduces HIS chances of ever getting clean. you are making it way too easy for him. that's not support. that's good ole enabling. you feel sorry for him. that's not love. that's seeing him as pitiful and helpless. he's a grown man. and trust me, COMPLETELY capable of putting this all behind him. BUT HE HAS TO WANT TO. and you can't make him want to. nobody can. no addict is gonna give up their dope until they are absolutely 1000% ready to, and even then they'll probably hang on a teensy bit longer, just in case.......
No, so far I have not gotten him to meet with counselors. I have been buying lots of books though, and he is attempting to read some of them. I think right now, his heart is in the right place. As long as he is telling me the truth. We all know how that goes.
YOU'VE tried just about everything under the sun, bless your heart, but what has HE done????? really? besides flap his gums? As of right now, he has been talking about it with me.
talks cheap. see the MORE you allow his behavior to continue in your house - tearing the place apart looking for pills, etc, but that's forgiven cuz now he's TALKING about it, the more ROOM you keep giving him to keep doing what he's doing.
ten years now right? started out with 'roids....gambling.....work.......pain killers.....i'm gonna guess maybe cocaine too if his buddy was doing it.....and god knows what else. he's continual shifted from one "substance" to another to another.....and taken you and the kids along (willingly) while he keeps trying to find the next big ESCAPE, the next big RUSH......
here's the tough question....YOU'VE been there for TEN years? being a loving supportive wife. has that changed a damn thing? has he or has he not continued on his merry addict way, REGARDLESS of what YOU do?
YOU can't do one damn thing FOR him. as a matter of fact everything you DO do, reduces HIS chances of ever getting clean. you are making it way too easy for him. that's not support. that's good ole enabling. you feel sorry for him. that's not love. that's seeing him as pitiful and helpless. he's a grown man. and trust me, COMPLETELY capable of putting this all behind him. BUT HE HAS TO WANT TO. and you can't make him want to. nobody can. no addict is gonna give up their dope until they are absolutely 1000% ready to, and even then they'll probably hang on a teensy bit longer, just in case.......
So are you saying that I need to stop trying so hard to help and leave it up to him?
Should I just take a stand and leave? If not, when do I leave? When do I give up on him?
He has been clean for 7 days today and for the first time, he is telling me when he is feeling like he wants/needs a pill. I thought that in his turning to me with his true feelings, he was making strides. I thought that at least I know what he is thinking and doing. If I back away, I wont know. Im so scared. Im sorry if I sound like we are addicted, but its almost how I feel. I know that I need to find support for myself and I am going to a meeting tonight at 7pm. I really, truely believe that he wants to stay clean. I just am not sure if he can.
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