Please help me :[

Old 04-15-2008, 01:53 AM
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Please help me :[

Hi there everyone,
I hope someone can please help me. My boyfriend has had addiction with vicoden and was gradually taken off of it, finally done a few weeks ago.
This is my dilemna; I just (minutes ago) found a box in his dresser that had 3 tiny green pills (I looked them up -they are ocycotin (sp?) and worse he had two small white packets. They are wrapped in wax paper and look like tiny satchels (size of walnut) and are tipped off at top and seem glued or somehow sealed to stay shut. What the heck are they? Is that cocaine or heroine?
And what do I do? How do I approach him about this? PLEASE HELP!!! I found a site where I can order testing kits.
I am so mad and worried, but mostly mad as heck. He has taken away my trust again! He went to a restaurant a couple nights ago to celebrate his friends birthday (I would have gone but couldn't find babysitter) and this is the crud he came home with. I don't want these friends to ever enter my house again. And how do I ever trust him to go out with them again? What kind of friends supply you with these drugs?!
I go one mintue from crying to the next wanting to text him a pic of the drugs and tell him not to come home.
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Old 04-15-2008, 02:20 AM
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Welcome, eddison, I'm glad you found us. Take a good read around and you'll see that addiction is a progressive disease that gets worse over time, unless they lay off all drugs and find a recovery program that sets them on a better path.

I don't know what you found, but I think we both know it's drugs of one kind or another, and it really doesn't matter what drug it is. A drug is a drug is a drug.

Only you can decide how long you want to live this life of not knowing, or suspecting (and deep down you do "know") and only you can decide how and when you want things to change. You can't change him, but you can change yourself and find a healthier, more balanced way to live.

If you haven't been to any Alanon, Naranon or CoDA meetings, do yourself the biggest favour you will ever do and get to several. I promise you that you'll be glad you did.

Recovery here is about us, because we can't control their using or recovery. But we can find a better way to live in peace and happiness...regardless of how they are doing and regardless of whether we stay or go.

Make yourself comfortable and know that you are among friends here who truly understand. We've all walked in your shoes and today we walk a better path, side by side, helping each other to help ourselves.

Hugs
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Old 04-15-2008, 02:27 AM
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Hi Eddison,
Welcome to a great place to find lots of helpful information and support--for you, not for your addicted boyfriend. Please take lots of time to read up on what life with an addict means for those who live with them and love them. It is not pretty, but very eye-opening and almost a relief to realize how many others in the world are dealing with a situation just like yours.

It sounds like you thought that your boyfriend's "getting off the vicoden" was going to work and that things would be okay now. It just isn't that easy and it doesn't work that way. Your boyfriend has an addiction, something that he will now have for the rest of his life. He is finding alternative drugs now to keep himself drugged in his addiction. There is absolutely nothing you can do about this, no confronting, no texting, no telling him "if you don't stop, it's over" type of talk will work. Addicts will do whatever they need to do in order to get their drugs, until THEY decide that they can't live like that anymore.

You CAN do something, but it isn't what you are doing right now, which is keeping all your focus on your boyfriend. You can educate YOURSELF on what a life with this man will really be like, by reading others' posts and the "Stickies" at the top of this page.

You can also decide if raising your child around this type of person is what you really want for him or her. Drug addicts will lie, steal, cheat, abuse, and get continually worse in their addiction until they fall mightily and seek help. It's a very long process, and many just don't make it to that point. How long do you want to live like this? Cause the truth is, it is a lifetime illness that you will be involved with and so will your child.

I'm so glad you found this site. You obviously know that something is not right with your life right now. I suggest you stop trying to figure out what type of drugs those are and start trying to decide if you are willing to spend a lifetime feeling like you do right now. Reading here could change your life, not your boyfriends, but your life is the one thing that YOU have control over. Sending you prayers and best wishes that you love yourself and your child enough to read all you can and not keep your head in the sand about what addicts are truly like.
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Old 04-15-2008, 06:34 AM
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Welcome Eddison,
I hate so much that you have been affected by someone's addiction, but I am glad that you are reaching out for help.

For me, I have found that is the only way that I can start to heal from all the ways that I have been affected by this disease. Like others have said, unless the person who has a problem with alcohol, drugs, etc. seeks help thru some type of recovery program the progression is a downward spiral. Usually it takes everyone and everything around it into that deep and dark place.

But there is hope - hope for you and hope for him. My experience has been that the absolutely best that I could do in my situation was to find a way to seek recovery for myself and to let my loved ones find a way to seek recovery for themselves.

I found my thru attending Al-Anon meetings, reading recovery literature, taking with other recovery people (thru the phone and on SR) and establishing a wonderful relationship with the God of my understanding.

I pray you continue to reach out for help - read the many different stickies, post and ask questions - the support, experience and unconditional love given here is crucial to my recovery.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
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Old 04-15-2008, 06:35 AM
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I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I don't know yours or your boyfriends situation but my son is my addict, he started with percocets, then oxy's then heroin.
Thats the opiate road. (in case you didn't know vics, percs, oxys and heroin are all opiates) heroin being the cheapest to buy thats why addicts end up using it. It doesn't really matter if those drugs your found are heroin or coke, addiction is addiction no matter what the drug.

Now, there's not much YOU can do, this is his addiction, he can't quit for you, he can't quit for his children, or his job or his house. He has to quit for HIMSELF, HE HAS TO WANT TO NOT DO DRUGS OR DRINK. Thats just the way it works. There has to be a rehab and there has to be a program that he follows for the rest of his life. Thats just how addiction works. I don't know of anyone that has quit on their own and with no program to follow. Addicts who are"recovering" cannot socially drink or just do drugs occassionally. It just doesn't work like that.

I hope everyone here has given you some insight.
Read
You will find support here and noone will judge you for any decision you make.

good luck
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Old 04-15-2008, 06:59 AM
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I am very sorry to hear this has entered your life, i as well am still new at this, as i am going through this with my wife. I have read alot of the info on this forum, and it helps, at this point anything you can do, to make your life better, you need to do. You came to a good place, a place where we all need something positive in our lives. Take care of yourself, don't try and figure everything out, i spent the first 3 days doing that, and in the long run, it just drove me nuts.
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:14 AM
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sorry to hear about what you are going through with your bf, sorry to say but those 2 little wax paper baggies taped shut are commonly what drug dealers sell heroin in. If you want to know for sure take one of the baggies and open it and smell it, if it has a medicine bottle // vitamin type of smell it is heroin. Also if it is not pure white but an off-white//tan or brown powder you also know it is heroin.

Like people above me had said, that is usually what happens to most people who climb the "opiate ladder" . Same happened to me, was addicted to oxycontin and then moved onto heroin late in my addiction because it was cheaper and a stronger high.

Keep posting here on SR, there are tons of wonderful people here for guidance, advice, support...anything you can think of. I hope things get better, stay safe ~~
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:27 AM
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I am so sorry, Eddison. It's such a hard situation (as anyone here can tell you.) The feeling when you find something like that, it's like someone hit you over the head, kicked you in the stomach. I threw up when I found stuff the first time. I panicked. I walked around the house trying to tell myself what to do. I never felt so alone and so angry and upset.

I agree with what people here are saying--you can't make him stop. I think at this point you have to make some decisions about yourself and your child. Think of yourself. You have permission to do that and you CAN leave him and go somewhere else. He's an adult and even though he's an addict, he CAN take care of himself if you make that choice.

I would have thrown the stuff out, especially if there's a child in the house. You don't want that child finding it and the worst happening. Or, I'd take the child and go somewhere else.

But, again, you have to make these decisions yourself. I just hope you know that you can always come here for a hug or to talk. That's what I do and these folks are wonderful.

:ghug

And maybe I'm missing it in the stickies, but I'm curious what the "general consensus" is on how to proceed when you find something. Everyone is different. I put everything I found in a box and set it on the kitchen table with a nasty note, then left. I've also confronted him (in calm ways AND not so calm ways.)

But, I would think there are guidelines for telling them, "look, I found this s**t and this is not ok with me." I know you can't make an addict stop and there are posts about just accepting it and finding a way to live with it, but does that mean you don't explain to them that you are not alright with the situation? Sorry, I'm just confused here. Maybe the answer could help the original poster as well.

Again, I know we all must choose what to do, but I seem to be missing that part.
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:29 AM
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SO, now what? I am totally lost as what to do next. I haven't slept all night. I've been up all night crying and called in sick at work today. He comes home tonight. Do I confroint him, do I tell him I'm leaving, do I stay and support him.
I know if he still wants to go out with those friends it will destroy me. I will be mad and worried all the time. IS it reasonable to demand he drop these 2 particular friends? I want nothing more that to call the creeps right now. I'd like to wait til the next time they come over, pull it out of the box, ask which one got it for him, and tell them to get the heck out of my house and never come back. I am so angry. We welcome them in our house for a get together regularly every other weekend and they are helping the love of my life become even more sick with addiction!
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:33 AM
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I am so grateful to all of you for your answers and support. It makes me feel less alone. I know I cant blame his friends, I'm just so crushed :[
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:47 AM
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you are in the right place, take everyday as it comes!!
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Old 04-15-2008, 07:47 AM
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eddison, I think what many will say is that you have to figure out what to do and make the choice. The first time I found something like that, I left. I packed up the cat and waddled out the door (9 months pregnant.)

It wasn't ok with me. I didn't want to be around the stuff. I didn't want a baby to be around the stuff. You hear in the news all the time about some infant/toddler who got a'hold of something and ended up in the hospital.

If he was (as far as you knew) trying to get off the vicodin and that was the understanding, then he broke his word. Even if it wasn't 100% out there and agreed upon, it's still bad news.

You need to decide what you are OK with, what you are not OK with and lay it all out. He probably has something to say about it. I think many addicts would deny. "It's not mine." "I hadn't used it yet." "It's old stuff." My rule now is that if I find it, he was intending to use it and no amount of denying will ever change that. Addicts lie. They lie to save face, or for whatever other reason you can think of.

Were I in your shoes, I'd throw it out, all of it. I'd tell him what I found and that he broke his word. I'd tell him I think he's an addict and it's not tolerated in a house with a child. If he rages and rails, then I'd take my child and go quietly. But, I'm a "no nonsense/no tolerance" kind of person and he knows this.

My instinct for protecting my baby and protecting myself far outweighs what I think might happen if I leave.

Whatever you do, just try to stay calm and remember, the chance that he will lie or deny are very good. You found the stuff. He's using. You know that. All the pretty words and promises, well . . . you have to consider them meaningless at this point. That's my two cents. You may feel differently and want to react differently. Go with your gut. Just try to keep things calm, especially if there is a child in the house.
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Old 04-15-2008, 08:07 AM
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You guys are all so wonderful. I don't know what I would have done had I not found this site. I just feel so lost and alone. I cant stop crying long enough to be seen by my kids. I can hear them outside my door getting ready for school. i am so mad, mad, mad. I cant help it. I feel so betrayed. I just want to scream!! I want to say, "How could you do this, to your son, my kids (we have three altogether), our family, to us, to yourself? How could you do this to our life together!!??? Is this normal?
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Old 04-15-2008, 08:36 AM
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Just abstaining from drugs is NOT recovery.

If drugs were my only problem, it would stand to reason that once I put them down, I would be fine.

I wasn't. You see, the drug use was just a symptom of the real problem, and that is me and what is right between my ears.

There are many forms of recovery out there, but if he is only abstaining, well, you see what the results have been.

I stuck with my addict husband for 5 very looooooong years. He never did find recovery and was buried last year at the age of 47. He turned out HIV+ after I had left him in 1986, and died of complications from AIDS.

I had to get away from him for my own safety and my own recovery.

One of the first things I learned in rehab was I needed to change my playmates, my playgrounds and my playthings, or I was destined to fail.

Sadly, that proved to be true 4 years down the road when I got involved with another addict who relapsed after 2 years of recovery, and I went down the drain with him. That relapse was 100% my fault; I had no one else to blame but me.

Today, I refuse to be involved with anyone not in recovery. I'm not even dating. I'm starting college this summer and a relationship isn't even at the bottom of my list!

My oldest daughter, now 30, has been an addict for 15 years now, and is no longer welcome in my home. She knows I love her, and I will be there for her should she ever decide to find recovery. Till then, I keep her in my prayers and have faith that God's plan is at work for her just as it has been/still is for me
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Old 04-15-2008, 10:11 AM
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Ok, I straightened up and took my kids to school. Now, I am re-reading all your awesome posts and trying to decide whether I want to be here when he gets home. I am thinking about getting a hotel and staying there with my kids, kind of expensive, I am wishing now that we never moved in together. I want him to leave, maybe I will ask him to.
I feel like I have to do something drastic to get his attention.

I have written a note. It says only, "Where is this leading?" I have put it in the box I found and placed it on the bed on his pillow. THe drugs are still in the box, except I took one of the satchels of whatever. Still, might get it tested, just so I can know whether he lies when I ask him what it is. I suspect heroin, because of what some of you have posted. It looks light-tannish thru the paper. I am scared to open it.
All his lies, they make me sick!!! How long has he been doing this stuff.. ya'know? He could have been all long. God only knows. He blames the vicoden addiction on pain management. THis has always made me sympathetic, but right now I don't care.
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Old 04-15-2008, 11:46 AM
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Originally Posted by eddison View Post
I know if he still wants to go out with those friends it will destroy me. I will be mad and worried all the time. IS it reasonable to demand he drop these 2 particular friends? I want nothing more that to call the creeps right now. I'd like to wait til the next time they come over, pull it out of the box, ask which one got it for him, and tell them to get the heck out of my house and never come back. I am so angry. We welcome them in our house for a get together regularly every other weekend and they are helping the love of my life become even more sick with addiction!

I can totally relate to how you would feel angry at his friends, but the truth of the matter is "you can't blame them .. He is his own person and and accountable for his own actions. No one is holding a gun to his head making him purchase or take drugs. Eliminating his friends will not eliminate the fact that he has an addiction. The problem lies within him and him alone... and unless he wants to deal with the problem and seek recovery for himself .. nothing in the world will stop him from using.

More then likely they are addicts themselves .. (birds of a feather flock together. If he hangs out with them ... it is because he wants to. They might condon it, get high with him but they are not responsible for his addiction.

As for the fact that he has taken vicodine and now you find oxycontins would strongly suggest that he has an opiate addiction and the "satchels" of a tan substance sounds like heroin to me. As a recovering addict sounds like to me that he is in pretty deep.

Passion
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Old 04-15-2008, 11:57 AM
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Hi Eddison. Sorry to hear you are going through this. Addicts will lie until they are blue in the face about their addiction. The number one goal of an addict is to continue to do drugs without any interference from loved ones. But they won't tell you that. They will tell you they quit, they want to get clean, etc. etc etc.

The best thing that people who love addicts can do is draw boundaries about the kind of behavior that is acceptable in their lives (and in your case they kind of behavior that is acceptable around your children), and they if someone is violating those boundaries, follow through on what you need to do.

In my case. I had to leave to protect myself and my son. I do not want my son to think that drug use is acceptable behavior.

Good luck to you. Keep us posted.
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Old 04-15-2008, 12:00 PM
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just want to welcome you to S.R. there is alot of good advice ahead of me so i will just say keep coming back.prayers,
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