Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Tx
Posts: 4
Help
Sorry, I'm kinda new at this.
I guess I'm just wanting some advice. I have nowhere else to turn. I have been dating this guy for 7 years and we have a two year old daughter together. Things used to be great untill he got on crack. I have tryed everything to help him. But now I believe I am just making it worse. I don't always say the nicest things anymore and we fight constantly. He is even out on a binge now. It will be one week tomorrow that he has been gone. I just don't know what to do. I feel guilty if I try to leave. I feel like there is something i can do or say to him to help. But deep down I know theres not. I just need to know what to do. I'm tired of fighting for this relationship. He is so far gone on this stuff. He got busted the other day for stealing steel from a railroad track company to get a fix. What do I do when he comes home. He wants to join the army. He thinks it will help him.
I guess I'm just wanting some advice. I have nowhere else to turn. I have been dating this guy for 7 years and we have a two year old daughter together. Things used to be great untill he got on crack. I have tryed everything to help him. But now I believe I am just making it worse. I don't always say the nicest things anymore and we fight constantly. He is even out on a binge now. It will be one week tomorrow that he has been gone. I just don't know what to do. I feel guilty if I try to leave. I feel like there is something i can do or say to him to help. But deep down I know theres not. I just need to know what to do. I'm tired of fighting for this relationship. He is so far gone on this stuff. He got busted the other day for stealing steel from a railroad track company to get a fix. What do I do when he comes home. He wants to join the army. He thinks it will help him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Welcome Frog
Read the stickies at the top, read a lot of other posts - they will definitely help. You need to start working on you for your and your child!
This is a difficult, confusing and frightening time, but truly, there are so many resources! Have you looked into Naranon or Alanon in your area?
Hugs and prayers to you!
Read the stickies at the top, read a lot of other posts - they will definitely help. You need to start working on you for your and your child!
This is a difficult, confusing and frightening time, but truly, there are so many resources! Have you looked into Naranon or Alanon in your area?
Hugs and prayers to you!
But at this point I am willing to try anything.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Welcome. I am sure this is a very hard time for you. Please know that you are not alone. You and the baby are the most important two people in the world. Please take care of you. You sound like a loving caring person and I am sure it hurts to know that you can't fix everything, but know that you didn't cause him to use and you can't get him to stop. He has to want to do it. Perhaps his desire to join the military is a sign that he is looking for help...but remember, you need to take care of you.
Keep coming back here, find support in other parts of your life too... reach out. Good thoughts to you.
Keep coming back here, find support in other parts of your life too... reach out. Good thoughts to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Tx
Posts: 4
It has its ups and downs for sure. I know he wants help. He has been in rehab a few times and did very well. But of course something happens and then he goes out and uses. But still, I wish there was somthing that I could say to him that would just make everything ok. Maybe just backing off would be the best thing.? I appreciate everyones input. Thankyou so much.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Frog)))
Welcome to SR.
I am a recovering crack addict, and I can promise you that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him quit using. He will not quit until his consequences of using get worse than being high.
They talk about the 3 c's here - you didn't Cause, can't Change it, and can't Cure it. If love could get him clean, there would be no one here.
Please, put your focus on you and your daughter. I also recommend that you prevent him access from your money or severely limit him. As long as you allow him to go out and use, then come back home, he will do it.
Another thing to think about...he's already been arrested once. If he were to be arrested for anything to do with drugs, and your daughter is around, YOU can be charged with child endangerment.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know what kind of hold crack can get on a person, and I had to leave my XABF because he wants to keep using.
If he really wants recovery, he can and will do it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR.
I am a recovering crack addict, and I can promise you that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him quit using. He will not quit until his consequences of using get worse than being high.
They talk about the 3 c's here - you didn't Cause, can't Change it, and can't Cure it. If love could get him clean, there would be no one here.
Please, put your focus on you and your daughter. I also recommend that you prevent him access from your money or severely limit him. As long as you allow him to go out and use, then come back home, he will do it.
Another thing to think about...he's already been arrested once. If he were to be arrested for anything to do with drugs, and your daughter is around, YOU can be charged with child endangerment.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I know what kind of hold crack can get on a person, and I had to leave my XABF because he wants to keep using.
If he really wants recovery, he can and will do it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
[ But still, I wish there was somthing that I could say to him that would just make everything ok.
We all wish there was some magic potion to make everything ok, hon, but the only thing that we can make ok is ourself. I am with you. I have said the same thing at least a zillion times, but the reality is that I have to take care of me, you have to take care of you. As much as we would like to believe we have the power to fix it... it won't work. Don't mean to sound negative... just stating what I see as the truth. The great news is that you CAN take care of you and it sounds like you are on your way.
Keep coming back, read, reach out and look for peace. Good thoughts.
We all wish there was some magic potion to make everything ok, hon, but the only thing that we can make ok is ourself. I am with you. I have said the same thing at least a zillion times, but the reality is that I have to take care of me, you have to take care of you. As much as we would like to believe we have the power to fix it... it won't work. Don't mean to sound negative... just stating what I see as the truth. The great news is that you CAN take care of you and it sounds like you are on your way.
Keep coming back, read, reach out and look for peace. Good thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Ultimately, the choice is up to you. But, I will ask you something. You say you "feel bad for leaving." Does he "feel bad" when he goes on week-long binges, leaving you ALONE for that amount of time? I mean, does he truly feel bad about it? Or is he just willing to do anything to get high, without taking you or your child into consideration?
I have no idea what the army would do for him. It would certainly offer him discipline, but in this day and age, he's facing deployment to a very scary part of the world. If he gets convicted of stealing, not sure he'll have much of a future in the military.
It almost sounds like he is running from something. I don't know.
I'm sorry you are desperate, but the first thing you need to do is take control of the things you CAN (you and your baby) and then make some decisions. There is no magical cure or answer. It all must come from within you.
If I were in your shoes (and that's all I can offer,) I'd be gone when he got home. I'd have my child and myself in a safe place. I'd never take the risk of my baby finding that and using it herself. You hear about children in the hospital all the time because they have meth, crack, coke, E in their system. I would never have my child around a using addict--no matter how careful they claim to be. I wouldn't want my child seeing him do it, smelling it or being anywhere near it.
But, that is me. And I have left my husband in the past when he's relapsed (which he hasn't done in a long time now.) I love him. He knows that, but he knows that if he uses, there's no place for me or our baby in that house. Imagine your little one finding a packet of whatever he uses and going to "play" with it. Is that ok? Do you still feel bad for leaving?
You can't help him right now. He has to help himself. And you can help YOURSELF. One thing I learned was I had to get over the "oh, poor thing, he's so addicted" mentality. When my husband took obvious steps to get better and once I was certain he was on that road, then I was there to help him and support him, and even that is a difficult path and one that I have to work at every day, every hour. But, it is possible. He has to want it, though. Until then and until he's prepared to offer a plan and follow THROUGH on it, then I'd either leave, or get the locks changed.
I don't mean to sound harsh and I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear in such a dark time. But, dark times call for strong measures and having a child no longer makes it about you and what you feel guilty about. It makes it about that child, and social services would see that as well if they (God forbid) ever got involved.
Finally, BIG HUG.
Don't let my hard-arse response deter you or make you think that I (or others) don't care. I do. And I'm so sorry you are having to endure this. Please hang in there, for your sake and that baby's.
I have no idea what the army would do for him. It would certainly offer him discipline, but in this day and age, he's facing deployment to a very scary part of the world. If he gets convicted of stealing, not sure he'll have much of a future in the military.
It almost sounds like he is running from something. I don't know.
I'm sorry you are desperate, but the first thing you need to do is take control of the things you CAN (you and your baby) and then make some decisions. There is no magical cure or answer. It all must come from within you.
If I were in your shoes (and that's all I can offer,) I'd be gone when he got home. I'd have my child and myself in a safe place. I'd never take the risk of my baby finding that and using it herself. You hear about children in the hospital all the time because they have meth, crack, coke, E in their system. I would never have my child around a using addict--no matter how careful they claim to be. I wouldn't want my child seeing him do it, smelling it or being anywhere near it.
But, that is me. And I have left my husband in the past when he's relapsed (which he hasn't done in a long time now.) I love him. He knows that, but he knows that if he uses, there's no place for me or our baby in that house. Imagine your little one finding a packet of whatever he uses and going to "play" with it. Is that ok? Do you still feel bad for leaving?
You can't help him right now. He has to help himself. And you can help YOURSELF. One thing I learned was I had to get over the "oh, poor thing, he's so addicted" mentality. When my husband took obvious steps to get better and once I was certain he was on that road, then I was there to help him and support him, and even that is a difficult path and one that I have to work at every day, every hour. But, it is possible. He has to want it, though. Until then and until he's prepared to offer a plan and follow THROUGH on it, then I'd either leave, or get the locks changed.
I don't mean to sound harsh and I am sorry if this is not what you want to hear in such a dark time. But, dark times call for strong measures and having a child no longer makes it about you and what you feel guilty about. It makes it about that child, and social services would see that as well if they (God forbid) ever got involved.
Finally, BIG HUG.
Don't let my hard-arse response deter you or make you think that I (or others) don't care. I do. And I'm so sorry you are having to endure this. Please hang in there, for your sake and that baby's.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Hey (((frog)))
I hear ya it is hard to know what to do. Maybe try to detach from him and just let the chips fall where they may. Don't tell him what you think he4 ought to do instead...
You do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your baby. If you have a job work at your job and keep your money out of his hands. Put every dime of your money in an account that he has no access to. Don't loan him any money.
If you decide you want to leave make a plan. Stick with it. Be gentle with yourself and try not to speak to him in an angry tone.
I have found that when I talk to one of my As in and angry tone it really does more harm than good it seems to make them feel that they have a warped permission to dig a deeper hole...
I hear ya it is hard to know what to do. Maybe try to detach from him and just let the chips fall where they may. Don't tell him what you think he4 ought to do instead...
You do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your baby. If you have a job work at your job and keep your money out of his hands. Put every dime of your money in an account that he has no access to. Don't loan him any money.
If you decide you want to leave make a plan. Stick with it. Be gentle with yourself and try not to speak to him in an angry tone.
I have found that when I talk to one of my As in and angry tone it really does more harm than good it seems to make them feel that they have a warped permission to dig a deeper hole...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Frog,
Welcome to SR.
I'm glad you found this site. There are LOTS of people here who 'get' what you're saying, thinking and feeling.
The addict in my life is my exhusband (exah). We were married for almost 8 years. He started using heroin when our son was about 3 years old and I stayed for a long time because I too thought that I could find something to say or do that would make him get better.
There is no magic bullet.
Your bf won't stop using drugs until he's ready.
There is nothing you can do or say to make him get to that point one moment sooner than he is ready. No amount of love in the world is enough. You can give him all the love you have...and all the material possessions...and your whole heart and soul...but the problem he is dealing with comes from within. His drug use has NOTHING to do with you. Nothing ! Its hard not to take it personally when it effects your life and heart so deeply but you are powerless over his drug use.
You are not, however, powerless when it comes to the direction your life will take from this day forward. You are not trapped...you are not a slave to his addiction...unless you choose to be. I'm not saying its easy to change your way of thinking and dealing with this situation...it isn't...its hard because you love him and want to do what comes natural...help him. The truth...however...is that the most loving thing you can do for him is let him go to find his own way. Invest all of your energy and love into you and your child and let your bf do whatever it is he will do.
All easier said than done..I know. YOu've found a great site here...full of people who really 'get it' because they've walked your path. I hope you stick around and get to know us better. YOu're among friends here.
Welcome again...
Welcome to SR.
I'm glad you found this site. There are LOTS of people here who 'get' what you're saying, thinking and feeling.
The addict in my life is my exhusband (exah). We were married for almost 8 years. He started using heroin when our son was about 3 years old and I stayed for a long time because I too thought that I could find something to say or do that would make him get better.
There is no magic bullet.
Your bf won't stop using drugs until he's ready.
There is nothing you can do or say to make him get to that point one moment sooner than he is ready. No amount of love in the world is enough. You can give him all the love you have...and all the material possessions...and your whole heart and soul...but the problem he is dealing with comes from within. His drug use has NOTHING to do with you. Nothing ! Its hard not to take it personally when it effects your life and heart so deeply but you are powerless over his drug use.
You are not, however, powerless when it comes to the direction your life will take from this day forward. You are not trapped...you are not a slave to his addiction...unless you choose to be. I'm not saying its easy to change your way of thinking and dealing with this situation...it isn't...its hard because you love him and want to do what comes natural...help him. The truth...however...is that the most loving thing you can do for him is let him go to find his own way. Invest all of your energy and love into you and your child and let your bf do whatever it is he will do.
All easier said than done..I know. YOu've found a great site here...full of people who really 'get it' because they've walked your path. I hope you stick around and get to know us better. YOu're among friends here.
Welcome again...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Welcome Frog, I took quotes from the other replies because there seems to be a common thread of advice: take care of you and your child, you and especially that child deserve a stable, safe life. Also, his destiny is not in your control---seems you kinda know that now. There is no shame in letting him find his way and you finding yours. Take care.
There is nothing you can do or say to make him get to that point one moment sooner than he is ready. No amount of love in the world is enough.
You do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your baby.
I'm sorry you are desperate, but the first thing you need to do is take control of the things you CAN (you and your baby) and then make some decisions. There is no magical cure or answer. It all must come from within you.
We all wish there was some magic potion to make everything ok, hon, but the only thing that we can make ok is ourself.
They talk about the 3 c's here - you didn't Cause, can't Change it, and can't Cure it. If love could get him clean, there would be no one here.
You take care of yourself and your child.
You need to start working on you for your and your child!
There is nothing you can do or say to make him get to that point one moment sooner than he is ready. No amount of love in the world is enough.
You do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your baby.
I'm sorry you are desperate, but the first thing you need to do is take control of the things you CAN (you and your baby) and then make some decisions. There is no magical cure or answer. It all must come from within you.
We all wish there was some magic potion to make everything ok, hon, but the only thing that we can make ok is ourself.
They talk about the 3 c's here - you didn't Cause, can't Change it, and can't Cure it. If love could get him clean, there would be no one here.
You take care of yourself and your child.
You need to start working on you for your and your child!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Tx
Posts: 4
I greatly appreciate everyones advice. I can't tell you how much yall have helped me. I am and will continue to do better for me and my daughter. I have left. I am staying with my mom for now, because I don't want her near that stuff. I don't want her thinking it is ok for her daddy to come and go. I guess for now I will try to continue to be strong for my baby girl. Thank yall so much!!!!
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