Floating
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Floating
Well, its Friday and I am so glad my days off are here. I haven't always had weekends off, so now they are pretty sweet. Yet......
I am in a really weird place right now. I really feel like I am floating -- just looking at my life from a different place. The story goes like this: my Ah is on Vicodin, Xanax, Lunesta, Zyprexa, and Zoloft. He is bi-polar and has been depressed for a long time. He also has been off and on pills for so long I don't even think he'd know reality if it punched him in the face. So, I'm doing my thing trying to take care of me (reading about codies and this site) and he is doing his. He took 4 days off to detox from the vicodin. He was sure he could do it. Well, as usual, he can't say no to pills on his own. He couldn't taper down on his own and now is asking for me to dispense the pills to him. I set boundaries with that and I am ok with doing it for now, but I just don't feel right about anything right now.
On one side, I feel that if he is asking for help to get off the pills --I should be happy- and I feel bad for him that he is having such a hard time. On the other side I feel like its not worth my time trying to help him because I have tried so many times and always, the same result. So, as he is wanting me, needing me, all I really feel like doing is watching TV and logging on to SR. Its like I want to detach from reality.
Not really looking for advice or anything, just wanting to understand things better. On a side note, sometimes when I reply or post what I wrote is lost (maybe I took too long). Any advice on this? I have been copying and pasting just to be sure I don't lose things I spend lots of time on).
Hugs and good thoughts to all of you who continue to make SR a great place.
I am in a really weird place right now. I really feel like I am floating -- just looking at my life from a different place. The story goes like this: my Ah is on Vicodin, Xanax, Lunesta, Zyprexa, and Zoloft. He is bi-polar and has been depressed for a long time. He also has been off and on pills for so long I don't even think he'd know reality if it punched him in the face. So, I'm doing my thing trying to take care of me (reading about codies and this site) and he is doing his. He took 4 days off to detox from the vicodin. He was sure he could do it. Well, as usual, he can't say no to pills on his own. He couldn't taper down on his own and now is asking for me to dispense the pills to him. I set boundaries with that and I am ok with doing it for now, but I just don't feel right about anything right now.
On one side, I feel that if he is asking for help to get off the pills --I should be happy- and I feel bad for him that he is having such a hard time. On the other side I feel like its not worth my time trying to help him because I have tried so many times and always, the same result. So, as he is wanting me, needing me, all I really feel like doing is watching TV and logging on to SR. Its like I want to detach from reality.
Not really looking for advice or anything, just wanting to understand things better. On a side note, sometimes when I reply or post what I wrote is lost (maybe I took too long). Any advice on this? I have been copying and pasting just to be sure I don't lose things I spend lots of time on).
Hugs and good thoughts to all of you who continue to make SR a great place.
turning red!
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
Hi itisatruth,
Enjoy your days off!
I see your post as pretty positive 'cos it seems to me you're detaching (with love, as they say) as it shows in your "floating" experience. By floating it seems you just let things "flow past you" (don't kow if you can say that) and it's a way of protecting you from all the craziness around.
So, i guess i can say "well done, you're doing great
"
Regarding the reply thing, i had the same problem but it seems it was because when i logged in i didn't check the case "remember me". Now that i'm "remembered" i don't have that problem. Try that maybe?
Take care,
Carine
Enjoy your days off!
I see your post as pretty positive 'cos it seems to me you're detaching (with love, as they say) as it shows in your "floating" experience. By floating it seems you just let things "flow past you" (don't kow if you can say that) and it's a way of protecting you from all the craziness around.
So, i guess i can say "well done, you're doing great
"Regarding the reply thing, i had the same problem but it seems it was because when i logged in i didn't check the case "remember me". Now that i'm "remembered" i don't have that problem. Try that maybe?
Take care,
Carine
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by funkzter 
By floating it seems you just let things "flow past you" (don't kow if you can say that) and it's a way of protecting you from all the craziness around.
BTW, I have read in other posts that you are having a baby....just wanted to wish you the best...you are getting close I think. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Have to say, it does sound good. The detaching - at first it sort of ebbs and flows, but once it starts, the tides keep going and building and you are the one that holds the tide-table for how long the cycle is.
They are so not easy. To help someone who asks, it is something as a compassionate human being we should be able to do, if it is in our power. But, the AH has probably asked for your help and compassion so many times, you did the work- and he didn't. I know the feeling well. The floating to me also seems to be a good thing.
Good heavens, they really make us work, don't they? Well, they don't make us, but they certainly are very good at pointing out what we need to work on for ourselves (if they knew that, maybe they wouldn't do it!)! but you know - that's a good thing too. I mean, when you work so hard for something - like happiness, peacefulness, contentment - you won't take it forgranted! You will remember what it took to get there and know you don't ever want to go back! That's what I'm hoping for anyway. Anything worth while seems to require hard work. Not always the case I know, but so the expression goes - or something like that.
Keep on going! I see you walking forward with each post that I read!
They are so not easy. To help someone who asks, it is something as a compassionate human being we should be able to do, if it is in our power. But, the AH has probably asked for your help and compassion so many times, you did the work- and he didn't. I know the feeling well. The floating to me also seems to be a good thing.
Good heavens, they really make us work, don't they? Well, they don't make us, but they certainly are very good at pointing out what we need to work on for ourselves (if they knew that, maybe they wouldn't do it!)! but you know - that's a good thing too. I mean, when you work so hard for something - like happiness, peacefulness, contentment - you won't take it forgranted! You will remember what it took to get there and know you don't ever want to go back! That's what I'm hoping for anyway. Anything worth while seems to require hard work. Not always the case I know, but so the expression goes - or something like that.
Keep on going! I see you walking forward with each post that I read!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I love all the water analogy stuff! I agree with what the others have said, Itisatruth. I immediately saw "detachment" in your floating. Sometimes it takes a disinterested party to point out to us the strides we ARE making in this process when we don't see them ourselves.
I am the mother of an addict and also the exwife of an alcoholic. I remember when I began the detachment process with my ex. I realized my feelings toward him had changed to more like a mother of a child than an equal of a partner/mate. I cared for his well-being and supported him in pain, but the love just wasn't a husband/wife love anymore. Perhaps it is because the A's don't really mature to adult thinking but tend to stay fixated in selfish, child-like mode. I ultimately realized that what I had wasn't a real marriage. I already had two teenagers and needed an equal in the house, not a little boy in a man's body. Separating and divorcing someone who was emotionally not there for me, who refused to grow up WITH me, wound up being more like kicking the chick out of the nest to fly on his own. It was time, just like the time comes with grown children.
Perhaps the detachment is allowing you to see that while YOU are going through the normal phases of life that bring wisdom and maturity, your mate isn't growing but is stagnating. Drugs and alcohol will do that. Myself, the distance between us on this "grow and change" part of life became too much, and I knew it was time to let him go. Without treatment and a program, I do not feel that the A can grow in maturity like a "normal" adult does.
I am the mother of an addict and also the exwife of an alcoholic. I remember when I began the detachment process with my ex. I realized my feelings toward him had changed to more like a mother of a child than an equal of a partner/mate. I cared for his well-being and supported him in pain, but the love just wasn't a husband/wife love anymore. Perhaps it is because the A's don't really mature to adult thinking but tend to stay fixated in selfish, child-like mode. I ultimately realized that what I had wasn't a real marriage. I already had two teenagers and needed an equal in the house, not a little boy in a man's body. Separating and divorcing someone who was emotionally not there for me, who refused to grow up WITH me, wound up being more like kicking the chick out of the nest to fly on his own. It was time, just like the time comes with grown children.
Perhaps the detachment is allowing you to see that while YOU are going through the normal phases of life that bring wisdom and maturity, your mate isn't growing but is stagnating. Drugs and alcohol will do that. Myself, the distance between us on this "grow and change" part of life became too much, and I knew it was time to let him go. Without treatment and a program, I do not feel that the A can grow in maturity like a "normal" adult does.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by itisatruth
On a side note, sometimes when I reply or post what I wrote is lost (maybe I took too long). Any advice on this? I have been copying and pasting just to be sure I don't lose things I spend lots of time on).
Hugs and good thoughts to all of you who continue to make SR a great place.
Hugs and good thoughts to all of you who continue to make SR a great place.
Hope that helps.
As to the "floating", I felt that way too when I was somewhere between "where I used to be" and "where I am going". Change is strange and can set us off balance, but keep your eye on the good road ahead and just take care of yourself as you go.
Hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
You are all so amazing.
Peace.... You hit it for me this morning. I have three children. I think the reason I am hurting as I detach from AH is that it is like pushing a kid from the nest. I thought I married a partner, but the partner brought "friends" and he never grew up. At least with the kids I feel like they are growing, maturing and will be wonderful adults. AH has not grown with me as we have grown older. Wow. I know that seems basic, but for some reason coming from your words today, it just smacked me right between the eyes. Thanks.
Codeinewife... once again, you have reached me. "Working so hard that we will never take it for granted... happiness..." I know it has to be out there, just have to keep moving towards it. Nothing goods ever comes easy. I have to have faith that I will find good and LIVE, not just survive. For so long, I thought that was the goal. Just getting through and surviving and that hopefully "it" would all be over soon.... WoW! Not what I want at all. I want to live and be happy.
Itsa... keep floating hon, you are fine and you have on a life jacket! HA! Just remember to kick once in awhile to move forward and when you can't kick, let the current carry you!
Thanks and good thoughts to all. SMILE
Peace.... You hit it for me this morning. I have three children. I think the reason I am hurting as I detach from AH is that it is like pushing a kid from the nest. I thought I married a partner, but the partner brought "friends" and he never grew up. At least with the kids I feel like they are growing, maturing and will be wonderful adults. AH has not grown with me as we have grown older. Wow. I know that seems basic, but for some reason coming from your words today, it just smacked me right between the eyes. Thanks.
Codeinewife... once again, you have reached me. "Working so hard that we will never take it for granted... happiness..." I know it has to be out there, just have to keep moving towards it. Nothing goods ever comes easy. I have to have faith that I will find good and LIVE, not just survive. For so long, I thought that was the goal. Just getting through and surviving and that hopefully "it" would all be over soon.... WoW! Not what I want at all. I want to live and be happy.
Itsa... keep floating hon, you are fine and you have on a life jacket! HA! Just remember to kick once in awhile to move forward and when you can't kick, let the current carry you!
Thanks and good thoughts to all. SMILE
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I remember a floaty feeling when I first started going to AlAnon. I think it had to do with the fact that I was slowly, slowly unraveling some pretty tightly wound sh*t. I was literally coming untethered from my past, from my comfort zones, from who I THOUGHT I was and what I thought I was supposed to be doing with my life and my relationships w/ all the A's in my family.
It was like after so many years of focusing on others when I put the focus on me it was like a giant hollow canyon with tumbleweeds rolling around!!! I mean who the heck was I???
I was in so much pain at the time though I just stayed in it- "followed directions" as they say. And it was nothing less than a complete SHEDDING of a lot of really messed up beliefs and behaviors.
Once I had a handle on healthier thought and behavior patterns I started to feel less floaty - more defined - more purposeful.
What is great about this feeling you're having is that it is NEW and different - a sign that things are MOVING - once we lift the veil from our eyes and start accepting help all sorts of things shift and change and new possibilities are open to us.
Good luck-
Peace-
B.
It was like after so many years of focusing on others when I put the focus on me it was like a giant hollow canyon with tumbleweeds rolling around!!! I mean who the heck was I???
I was in so much pain at the time though I just stayed in it- "followed directions" as they say. And it was nothing less than a complete SHEDDING of a lot of really messed up beliefs and behaviors.
Once I had a handle on healthier thought and behavior patterns I started to feel less floaty - more defined - more purposeful.
What is great about this feeling you're having is that it is NEW and different - a sign that things are MOVING - once we lift the veil from our eyes and start accepting help all sorts of things shift and change and new possibilities are open to us.
Good luck-
Peace-
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
OMG I have just spent the last half hour or so crying after reading all your replies. I don't mean that as a bad thing either, I think I need to cry, I need to let it out, I tend to hold everything in and the stress goes straight to my heart/chest. So, thanks for helping me do that. Something in what you all said must have really hit the right spot. (k the tears are coming back):ghug
Codeinewife, I too love that water analogy. In fact, I think I am going to go the beach for a walk later. You are so right, I have been doing all the work like you did. When he is withdrawing or coming down, I am always there to try to make it easier for HIM. I make sure he's fed, bug him to go to bed, give HIM moral support, rub HIS back for what seems like hours to help HIM calm down. (I am much better at saying no now btw) I now know that I want a relationship that is give AND take, not take and take. Thanks.
Peaceteach, thanks for sharing your experience with your ex. I admire you for making that choice for yourself. I do think that my AH has stagnated, or even deteriorated. I also feel like he is more of a child than my partner in life. I used to be able to depend on him for things, to count on him for support. But now, it seems like such a long time since he has "been there" for me. I have been walking this path alone for too long, I know that soon, if he fails again, which is likely, I will have to make a choice between me and him. I only hope I grow strong enough to do it.
Ann, I like the part about where I used to be and where I am going. I don't exactly have a clear picture of where I'm going just yet, but I do know I'd rather my life be a cruise in my convertible on a sunny day and not this roller coaster ride. Change has always been hard for me, I avoid it. But maybe that's part of the powerlessness thing.....life goes on and I can't stop it anymore than I can stop his using. Thanks.
imallright, thank you
I will keep kicking.I owe myself that much.
Bernadette, so much of what you wrote makes sense. I wind up pretty tight too and often let my needs go astray. Guess the unraveling will take some time. I hope I can get back to the person I used to be, find myself again, like you did. Thank you so much for pointing out the new and different part and how it is showing that I am moving. I want to so bad, I want to not feel the pain anymore. I want to be in a happier place
I had felt that I was beginning to detach, I just hadn't seen that weird floating feeling as part of it. Thank you all for bringing it up, I really needed to see that. Love, Rica
Codeinewife, I too love that water analogy. In fact, I think I am going to go the beach for a walk later. You are so right, I have been doing all the work like you did. When he is withdrawing or coming down, I am always there to try to make it easier for HIM. I make sure he's fed, bug him to go to bed, give HIM moral support, rub HIS back for what seems like hours to help HIM calm down. (I am much better at saying no now btw) I now know that I want a relationship that is give AND take, not take and take. Thanks.
Peaceteach, thanks for sharing your experience with your ex. I admire you for making that choice for yourself. I do think that my AH has stagnated, or even deteriorated. I also feel like he is more of a child than my partner in life. I used to be able to depend on him for things, to count on him for support. But now, it seems like such a long time since he has "been there" for me. I have been walking this path alone for too long, I know that soon, if he fails again, which is likely, I will have to make a choice between me and him. I only hope I grow strong enough to do it.
Ann, I like the part about where I used to be and where I am going. I don't exactly have a clear picture of where I'm going just yet, but I do know I'd rather my life be a cruise in my convertible on a sunny day and not this roller coaster ride. Change has always been hard for me, I avoid it. But maybe that's part of the powerlessness thing.....life goes on and I can't stop it anymore than I can stop his using. Thanks.
imallright, thank you
I will keep kicking.I owe myself that much. Bernadette, so much of what you wrote makes sense. I wind up pretty tight too and often let my needs go astray. Guess the unraveling will take some time. I hope I can get back to the person I used to be, find myself again, like you did. Thank you so much for pointing out the new and different part and how it is showing that I am moving. I want to so bad, I want to not feel the pain anymore. I want to be in a happier place
I had felt that I was beginning to detach, I just hadn't seen that weird floating feeling as part of it. Thank you all for bringing it up, I really needed to see that. Love, Rica
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Goshen NY
Posts: 40
My husband tried that also, trying to have me hold the pills, hide the pills, etc etc. Well it worked for about 4 days and then he found every hiding place I had and begged so much and cried about it that I just finally gave in and threw the bottle at him and told him I wasn't doing this anymore. This is your problem you deal with it and don't ask me to do anything. Just saying it didn't really work bc I think he didn't want to really stop but was a way to stop me from nagging him about the pills. He also takes Lunesta, Skelaxin, Neurontin, Blood pressure pills, anti depressants and Ataivan (tranquilizers) and benedryl and cold meds and alcohol and even the nitrous oxide from the last squirt of whipped cream. I mean what the h***????????? But hey he says theres nothing wrong, he is just stressed from work. He was on Percocet for years and would eat a months supply in a week. Anyway, just my 2 cents. Wishing you prayers and good thoughts.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
I as the others,
see so much detachment in that post. Before, his "needing" you to help him through this made you feel good, helpful, and capable until you realized its just not helping.
Not your gut knows the his "needing" your help isn't okay. Its not good for either of your recoveries so you are trying to take yourself away from it for both of your own welfare.
so good for you. Its hard not to respond to their pleas for help.
A walk on the beach is a wonderful idea.
isn't tonight a beautiful So. Cal. night?
Makes me yearn for Summer!
Cathy
see so much detachment in that post. Before, his "needing" you to help him through this made you feel good, helpful, and capable until you realized its just not helping.
Not your gut knows the his "needing" your help isn't okay. Its not good for either of your recoveries so you are trying to take yourself away from it for both of your own welfare.
so good for you. Its hard not to respond to their pleas for help.
A walk on the beach is a wonderful idea.
isn't tonight a beautiful So. Cal. night?
Makes me yearn for Summer!
Cathy
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