beachgal

Hello,

I am new to this forum and well, new to this in general. I have been dating one of the most sweetest guys for several months now. He admitted to me that up until as recently as last year he was drinking a bottle of vodka a night. He would miss work at least once a week. Since we have been together he has stopped drinking (except for socially) unless he is alone. He says that he is compelled to do it when he is bored or lonely. I know he has a problem but I just don't have the heart to break up with him. I am very much in love this this man. But I just don't know what to do! As recently as two days ago I went over to his house and he had drank an entire bottle of vodka and couldn't keep his head up to look at me. But hours later called to appologize and that he wouldn't do it again; that he needs me and wants a future with us. I was not brought up in an environment where drinking was the norm unless it was socially. Should I break up with him? What should I do? He has toned it down a bit, but obviously will drink if he is alone! Even though I tell him that drinking hurts our relationship he still does it... what should I do? Am I over reacting?

AbsentFriend

You are NOT overreacting. If you stay with him, his drinking will likely get worse, not better.

I fell for a recovering addict myself - I would say he was one of the sweetest guys, too. But even with a year sober, his addict thinking was a source of contention in the relationship. If I had known all that I was getting into, and if I were in my own healthiest space, I - regrettably - would have walked away before we got too involved.

It sounds like you have different backgrounds, and your values will clash over and over. It is admirable that you care enough to seek out a resource like this site, but it also shows how uncomfortable you already are in the relationship. No matter how much you care for him, don't second-guess what you know to be important to you.

beachgal

Thanks AbsentFriend. We actually broke up when the last event happened. But hours later after he sobered up he called and was crying. Saying he loved me and couldn't do this without me saying I was the best thing in his life. Tonight we got into a stupid argument - one stemming from stress at work (for him). I asked him flat out if he was going to drink and he said yes. That if he wanted to have one or two and not get drunk he has the right to. I told him that he knows this makes me uncomfortable and I think he most certainly will go too far. Each time I tell him that it hurts our relationship. But each time I find myself so heart broken each time he "goes too far" (his words). A part of me feels like I need to be here for him to help him through this unofficial recovery time. But he is such a great guy in every other way. Coming to a site like this was my only option since I have no one I can really talk to about this situation.

Latte

This disease is cunning and baffling, for the alcoholic/addict and the people who love them. I am both and I am in awe every day how it can destroy lives. Don't get me wrong, those lives can and may get better, but chances are..they won't.

My thoughts are with you as you make your decisions.

laurie6781

Welcome to SR you have found a great site with lots of experience, strength and hope (ESH).

You will read it here a lot...............................the three C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

That will never happen, there is NO WAY he can have just one or two. He is a slave to King Alcohol......................................so I would suggest, whether you stay with him or not, to check out Alanon, it will help you immensely with all who cross you path. Alanon will also help you to learn how to set boundaries and to stick to them.

He is on a down hill slide that is only going to get worse. Are you really willing to live your life with not only what you are seeing now, but also as he deteriorates and starts exhibiting more alcoholic behavior. ie picking a fight so he can blame you, getting DUI's, falling asleep (passed out) in the drive way, wetting the bed, and on and on and on.

Do yourself a big favor and read all the stickies at the top of this Forum and at the top of the Friends and Family of Alcoholics Forum.

Read as many of the post as you can. Then make yourself a "Pro and Con" list about whether or not you should or want to stay with him.

I have to tell you that the possibility for relapse is also very high. A lot more alkies and/or addicts relapse than stay sober and clean.

Please check out some Alanon meetings, they won't hurt and you will make some great new face to face (f2f) friends!

Keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!

Love and hugs,

lostone79

I think what Absent Friend said hit the nail on the head, especially about being in a healthy space in your own mind. I have been on both sides of that situation and it is tough.

beachgal

You all are right... I cannot change him. He acknowledges he has a drinking problem but refuses to quit drinking altogether. I am not really a drinker myself and if I knew he could only have a few than I would be ok. Its only when he is alone that he goes too far. It just breaks my heart so badly. I love this man so much. I just wish there was some way I could help.

I will keep reading the forums. And thanks again for your suggestions and kind words.

peaceteach

Hi beachgal,

In your readings about alcoholism, be sure to really let it sink in that alcoholism is a progressive disease, that it gets worse and worse and NEVER gets better; the alcoholic drinks MORE and more and never can just have a few. He cannot "tone it down" and if it seems he is, that is only temporary.

And, if the drinker does choose sobriety, it is still a lifetime disease that he has to manage each day of his life.

Also be sure to read up on how damaging having a relationship with an active drinker is to the loved ones. It does and will take you down to a depth that you cannot imagine if you do not recognize the very true existence of codendency. VERY self-damaging and not at all the life you "imagine" will happen with someone whom you think of as a potential life mate. This may sound harsh and negative; I wish it didn't. But please believe me and all you read, it really is the TRUTH.

itisatruth

Welcome beachgal, glad to hear you will keep reading. Hope it helps you as much as it has me. I would like to say one thing, and please don't take this like I am telling you what to do or not do, but now that you are aware of his problem, be very careful about taking the relationship any further before you are sure you know what you want in life. What I mean is, don't make any life decisions with him.....keep your life yours and not completely intertwined with his. The more intertwined they get, the harder it will be for you to break free IF you choose to do that. I don't know how old you are or where you are in life, but for the future, your future, I hope you can take things really slow until you decide for yourself what you need. Hugs from the California coast.

AbsentFriend

This line really jumped out at me. And I'm glad to see someone else responded to it as well.

You do not NEED to do anything for anyone but yourself. This sounds like people I have known who believe they deserve suffering, that their destiny is to sacrifice themselves for other people, that their pain is somehow noble because of the belief one person's pain takes away the pain of someone else.

This is NOT true. There is no conservation law regarding pain in the universe. Pain just creates more pain. Hurt people, hurt people.

I was uncomfortable, and I stayed in it.
I was scared, and I stayed in it.
I was invalidated, and I stayed in it.
I was angry, and I stayed in it.
I was depressed, and I CLUNG to it.
YOUR disease will progress just as his will.

I was lucky - he ended it, he did for me what I couldn't do for myself.

lil516

Of course you are not overreacting...

no one can tell you to stay or go but I will say I wish I had a penny for every time I read "if I knew then what I know now....."

your boyfriend is not in recovery and it may be a while before he is (if ever)
are you prepared for that life?... unfortunately it usually gets worse before it gets better.....

keep reading....learn all you can

take care of you!

lostmdboy

If I where you I would RUN!!!!! Unless he gets serious, and gets help. Just an alcoholics opion that is. It will not get better until he does. It WILL get worse.

imallright

Not a whole lot more to add to this Beachgal, except. Please think about all that has been offered. Listening and reading will help you to find the way. Keep coming back here and keep thinking of you. Life is to live and a gift. Please remember that you should feel joy more than pain. Good thoughts to you.

laurie6781

Yep, and it's called MARTYRDOM.

It was in Alanon that I started to learn HOW NOT TO BE A VICTIM. I will be forever grateful to my sponsor that on my 3rd birthday for sobriety, her 'gift' to me was to STRONGLY sugget that I start attending Alanon IMMEDIATELY. Of course, I thought she was crazy, after all my alkie H was sober (was starting to develop a gambling problem, but he was sober). Very quickly I saw the benefits of going to Alanon in addition to AA.

Just remember, even though your children still 'worship' their father, his continuing his drinking will entail hem getting worse and eventually as they approach adulthood and become adults they will start to figure out that they too have problems.

In the meantime.......................................... .."NO" is a complete sentence. You can set your boundaries about anything and everything including them respecting you. No respect, bad mouthing you, fine, then they can 'fend' for themselves. Leave their laundry and only do yours, this btw includes your AH. Cook for yourself and let them flounder around. Do your dishes and let the rest of the dirty dishes sit there.

I know it sounds hard, but once you start, it does get easier, and they will find out very quickly how much Mom and wife does do. This will definitely give you more time for JUST YOU. So that YOU can go to an Alanon meeting, or read, or watch TV, or take a nice soothing bubble bath. Time for YOU.

The kids will come around eventually. AH may never change. I have learned to apply the 3 C's to every aspect of my life

I didn't CAUSE it, (whatever it is at the moment,)

I can't CONTROL it, and

I can't CURE it.

Those 3 C's along with The Serenity Prayer has helped me tremendously to learn how to take of me, and to just keep My Side Of The Street Clean, One Day At A Time. I was only responsible for me and my actions, no one else's.

It's funny how this works. As I learned to only look at my own problems and what the solution might be, I saw that my reactions to others changed, and as my reactions changed toward others, others started to change hiow they reacted or acted with me. They were puzzled, mom and wife was not playing the games any more. I had stopped doing the dance. I had stopped playing the game. And........................they could no longer manipulate me.

I know you are in gret pain right now, the thing I can tell you is that as you start working on YOU and put everyone else on the 'back burner' the pain will lesson, and eventually it will be gone. Baby steps my dear. It took some years to where you are now and it will take some years to get back to where you desire to be.

You can do this, and in the process bring some peace and serenity to you.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care!

Love and hugs,