tay-lyn

Hello Everyone:
I haven't been around much lately due to the sickness from my pregnancy. I'm totally wiped and always sick. I stick my nose in here and there to keep up on how everyone is doing. I miss my friends here and wanted to let you know that all is well. I had the worst drinking dreams last night. I hate hate hate those! But they do serve a good purpose. They remind me I cannot drink without consequences. It was kinda an awesome dream though......I was in the Dominican with a bunch of girlfriends, soaking up the sun and TONS of tequila and cold Corona.....the best part was that I looked FABULOUS in my little bikini......that's when I KNEW I was dreaming! lol That won't happen for awhile....two babies in two years!
Anyways, the dream really wasn't that good cause at the end of my trip, on the way home, I realized I didn't remember any of what my friends were telling me I did/said (the usual when I drink) and I woke up feeling horrible about myself. Horrible about the drunk Tay. But a great reminder that I cannot pick up again. No matter how hard I try, I always end up drunk and blacked out.
I ALMOST had a drink the other day. I am not a beer drinker, but during my last pregnancy I craved beer like mad. Didn't help I was a million months pregnant in the middle of the summer. And this pregnancy is no different. I crave the taste of beer. A non-alcoholic beer would satisfy my craving just the same, but we don't keep that crap in the house. lol Anyways, my husband and I settled in to watch a movie and he grabbed a cold beer and the sight of it made EVERYTHING disappear, all the terrible memories, all the determination to quit just evaporated. All I wanted was a taste of that beer. I ALMOST asked for a sip. Ohhhhh that would have tasted good. BUT I refrained. One sip would have led to half a glass and then I'd be having half a glass here and there and then once the baby is born I'd be right back at it. PLUS I told myself that even if I had ONE sip to satisfy my craving, I'd have to start right back at day one....and I'm not giving up my sober time for anything!
So I'm still struggling. Cravings, dreams, thoughts of the future, wanting to escape, all the reasons we come up with to have a drink....I'm still struggling with them. But not nearly as bad as in the beginning. I'm still working on 'me' and recovery everyday. I know it will get easier and easier, but I also know that I will always struggle. Maybe others who have been sober for some time don't struggle any longer, but I think I may always. As long as it is around, others are drinking, and I am free to pick it up.....I will struggle. But I'd rather struggle with being sober than struggle with the consequenses of drinking.
All in all, things are really good. Except for being sick. My Mother is home from the hospital. Can't believe she survived AGAIN! But she is a mess. She thinks she is my daughter's Aunt instead of Grandmother. She say's she has 'lost the taste for alcohol'...but we've heard that a million times from her before. She is on SO MANY perscriptions from several doctors, she abuses all her meds, gets so messed up by the end of the day that she looks and sounds like she is hammered. But I am not dwelling on it. She has to live her own life. I can't make her life/problems mine anymore. This was the last straw for me. After this last accident of hers, I did a lot of work to detatch myself from her. It's hard, and I have to work at that everyday, but I don't feel so responsible for her anymore.
Weather is nicer, soon we'll be at the cottage, just a few more weeks! The baby is getting bigger and so is the little one on the way.
So there you have it. I'll keep popping in to see how everyone is doing, now you know how I've been.
Miss my friends, a hug to them all.
Tay.

warrens

Hey Tay

Good to hear from you! You have a way of being positive even when you're being negative. Don't ask me what I mean by that, but I think others would concur.

Tay, I think we will struggle only if we perceive that there is a stuggle. I'm working on "growing" the realization that there is no struggle any more for me.

The struggle is over. I lost. I'm vanquished. I surrender. Too many 2x4's over the head.

I think that is one of the perils of having a "sip" of anything. Half a beer to satisfy one of those totally weird pregnant cravings. The peril is that it might work. For me it might be a glass of fine wine with a fine dinner. The worst thing that could happen would be that it would work. That I would enjoy it. And have just one.

Because then the struggle would begin. My brain might begin to think that I could control it. If I fail, let me wake up under a bridge. Make it horrible.

But I'm not going there. There is nothing to struggle over. Time will not change anything. Sobriety will not change anything. Nothing I "learn" will change anything. I will die an addict. Just not an active addict.

Is there still struggle left in you, Tay? Any more tests you think you can pass? Not me. I know all the answers and I still flunk. I think it's "rigged." Perhaps it has been rigged since I was born and I am now just discovering that.

Stay positive! Ah, the ubiquitous Canadian cottage! What a great institution. In the States everyone migrates to bloody NASCAR races in the summer. What's up with that?

warren

Jomey

Hey Tay, glad to hear from you! Sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected with eveything that is happening in your life. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Enjoy the cottage when you get there! I live in the boondocks on and surrounded by farms of all sizes...we can't wait till we get the springtime chores over and the crops in so we can take a trip to the city! LOL

Keep in touch! Jomey

tay-lyn

Hey Warrens, Funny, my husband and I were just talking about Nascar racing. We like to watch it in HD on the flat screen, looks so cool....but for about 5 minutes and that's it. Can't see what the big draw is to watch cars going round and round and round for hours. But then again, some people...some weirdos! (lol) don't see what is so great about baseball! (which I LOVE)...oh well...to each their own.
I read and re-read your post. And I have to say that I feel differently. Yes, I too know that I cannot drink safely. I too know that my drunk is cagey and if I pick up again, things won't be bad right away, actually things will probably be great for a bit...but just a bit......I too know all the things there is to know about how much drinking sucks. From my drinking, my mothers drinking, my father-in-laws drinking (who just had a liver transplant from cirrosis), my friends drinking, AA experience, etc., etc.. I know how detrimental it is to my life. I know...I know....I know....and yet...I struggle. For me, there is and has always been (which is why I have had so many attempts at sobriety).....a struggle. But that is just me. Eveyone is different. You ask if there are any more tests I think I can pass. I don't think I ever thought I could REALLY pass the test of drinking again, but for me that didn't matter, I picked up anyways. I don't think it will matter the next time I am overcome with the desire to drink either. Fine wine to a cheap draught...whatever.....I'll struggle with it.
I KNOW there are other recovering alcoholics who feel they struggle as well. You may not. But I know plenty. Plenty who know that cannot ever drink again, and are healthy, happy recovering alcoholics, and yet, from time to time, they struggle. I am in that group. No amount of recovery, happy days, pink clouds, life being great, will ever put out the fire inside me which wants a drink from time to time. That fire sometimes burns brightly and feircely then sometimes it simply smolders, but it is there.
JUST MY OPINION...but I've read a lot of people's input to threads where people are struggling, and again and again I read that the person struggling wouldn't be struggling if they truely surrendered to their disease. Or if they worked on recovery. Or if they found things to do that they love. Or if they did or didn't do this or that. I don't think that is right. Everyone is different. Everyone struggles differently and for different reasons. Everyone accepts differently. And just because you have accepted something, doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Just because we accept that we are alcoholics, that doesn't stop the struggle. I think people like me who still struggle, and feel they always will, should be given respect. Not told how to do sobriety better, how to eleviate the struggle. For some of us, struggle will always be.
Phew....ok Warren, that wasn't aimed at you my friend! Just blowin off some steam I guess.
Hugs,
Tay.

Anna

Hi Tay,

It's really good to see you back.

I'm glad your mother is doing better and I'm especially glad that you have distanced yourself from her in order to take care of you and your recovery.

I think that acceptance can come in stages or small steps. I went through many different phases of acceptance before I arrived at the place I am today. It's kind of like forgiveness. You forgive someone and then months later, that little voice is speaking up again, and you realize you need to forgive again or maybe a little more.

MagicMan08

I guess looking at my struggles and me giving in to them, I think I wasn't at the point where I was willing to go to any length to achieve my sobriety. I think I have reached that point now, and to be honest I am looking forward to what comes over this next hill. Because I have been to hell....its not fun. I need to remind myself of that when it starts with a little bit. That little bit turns into .20 real quick for me....to this day I don't know why :puppet cunning baffling powerful

I think thats kind of why people with a long time in the program say they "guard" their sobriety. (I guess I work a 12 step program so I will always refer so)

warrens

Whoa, Tay! That kind of day, is it? I forgot what it's like messing with a pregnant woman...

First, NASCAR. Like you, I can watch it for 5 minutes tops. I have to think it is more about the 2 great American institutions than it is about cars. I mean what else could get half a million people to go bake in the sun and every so often see a car? Boobs and beer. That's gotta be it as far as I can figure. Watch the babes and get knee walking drunk. I've probably offended 5,000 SR members...

Second, struggle. Seems to have struck a huge nerve with you, Tay. I think perhaps I've confused you. To me, struggle implies a "will I, won't I?" situation. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. It is not a matter of cravings, triggers, or anything else. People who say that they surrender aren't any more immune than anyone else. I think what they have done is stopped the insanity.

Here's an example: Someone you love dies. You grieve, you ache, you crave, you are tormented. But at your core, you know that death is irreversible. At least in this life. To think that you might do something to see or experience that person in the flesh would be insane, would it not? Some people speak about an inability to "accept" someone's death. In a way that is a denial of reality. No amount of struggle will bring that person back. To remain "sane" one will need to "surrender" to the fact that the person is not coming back.

To surrender allows a healing to take place, Tay. An adjustment in thinking. I still miss and think about my father, but he is gone 20 years. My mother has been "given" a few months to live. I can scream and struggle, but I can't do anything about it. She is at peace with it and I must be, too.

Alcohol is dead to me, Tay. I can't bring it back. I might crave it, I might feel it and see it and taste it. I may have alcoholic dreams. But I cannot resurrect it. I still dream of my ex. Both of us are young in the dream. But I am very sane about the fact that our time together is over. We are both completely at peace with it.

So I think that is why surrender is referred to as a spiritual change, Tay. It requires that to be in place. To surrender allows for the existance of pain, it just doesn't allow for doing anything but accepting it. Surrender is an act of the sane, returning to drinking is an act of the insane, like exhuming a grave.

Does that make any sense? Or am I insane? C'mon Tay, tell me. This is new territory for me.

warren

tay-lyn

You're not insane Warren, but maybe I am!

Cause I still think you can accept something and yet struggle with it. After re-reading your post and giving it some thought, I decided to look up 'struggle' and see if I was using the correct word to describe my...well...struggle. Here is what I found:

Struggle:
1. to contend with an adversary or opposing force.
2. to contend resolutely with a task, problem, etc.; strive: to struggle for existence.
3. to advance with violent effort: to struggle through the snow.
4. (of athletes and competitors) to be coping with inability to perform well or to win; contend with difficulty: After struggling for the whole month of June, he suddenly caught fire and raised his batting average 30 points.
–verb (used with object) 5. to bring, put, etc., by struggling: She struggled the heavy box into a corner.
6. to make (one's way) with violent effort.
–noun 7. the process or an act or instance of struggling.
8. a war, fight, conflict, or contest of any kind.
9. a task or goal requiring much effort to accomplish or achieve.

I hightlighted the points that describe how I use the word 'struggle'. For me, my sobriety requires effort. Therefore, from time to time I struggle.

And simply accepting and surrendering to something doesn't mean you no longer struggle with it. There is something traumatic that happened to me a few years back, from the hands of someone else, I have come to terms with the fact that I had no responsibility for what happened to me. I was an innocent victim. However, I struggle with it from time to time. There are days where I am so mad, bitter, hateful, vengeful, sad, etc.. That doesn't mean I haven't accepted what happened to me. I have, very much so. BUT sometimes, things happen that trigger all those emotions I expressed. And I struggle with those feelings of hatred, etc., and have to walk myself through them and eventually they go away and I'm good again.

But again Warren, we are all different. I have accepted that I can never drink again. Surrendered to my disease. BUT from time to time, things happen in life that trigger the struggle. For me at least.

least

I'm glad you resisted the urge to have "just a sip". I have to keep telling myself that I can't have ANY, ever, at all, or Ill be right back where I started, and like you, I don't want to throw away my sober time. I want to keep adding to it. All the best to you! (and the unborn)

warrens

Tay

A person can suffer but not struggle. Suffering is not a competition, there is no adversary, no contest.

Look at the definitions. They all imply some kind of "fight." One that can be "won." There is no winning against addiction, I think. It is that mindset of doing something different or with superhuman effort, that we can engage the demon and "win," that gets us into trouble, Tay

My mother looks for no victory in her cancer. She is surrendered to it. She lives entirely in the moment, as mentally agile as a 20 year old. It is amazing to see. She enjoys every minute, every meal.

I think the more energy we commit to defeating addiction, the more likely are we to succumb to it.

warren

CarolD

Mega Hugs and Prayers for you and your family.

:ghug

Impurrfect

((((Tay))))

Thanks, so much, for checking in...I've been wondering how you are.

As far as the struggle, all I can say is I still have to remember that all I have to worry about is today. I've been clean for 13 months from crack. Really don't want THAT anymore, but I still think about "escaping" with something when I get stressed. I'm picking up tools along the way to deal with it and don't dwell on it too long...I just remind myself that it's not an option for me anymore. On the other hand, I absolutely refuse to be around anyone who IS smoking crack because that's just a dangerous place for me to be. It's much easier for me to not be around that, than it is for you not to be around alcohol, since alcohol is legal and a lot of people drink and may or may not have a problem with it.

I think you're doing pretty darn good, especially with your mom's illness and one little one and one on the way. I'm really glad you're detaching yourself from your mom's illness and taking care of you. When I stopped stressing over other people and what was going on with them (which I had no control over, anyway), the need to escape has become an infrequent thing.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

tay-lyn

Warren; I DO 'fight' with my addiction. I do want to WIN against it.....I have fought my addiciton in the past and lost, and sometimes won. And addiction IS a battle, it IS a fight. If not, why do we have AA? Why do we have treatment programs? Why are YOU here? For support? What do you need support for if you are not 'fighting' your addicition. Why was there just a tv program on called 'Fighting the Dragon' which discussed peoples battle against addiction?
There IS a fight. It can be won or lost.
If it were as easy as surrendering and that was it. Why do people relapse? People who've had lots of years of sobriety? Why do people need support? Because they STRUGGLE. They FIGHT their addiction and WANT TO WIN.
Struggle vs. suffer. I suffer from depression.....I know there is nothing I can do about having this problem. AND I struggle with it. Knowing I have this problem doesn't mean when those dark gloomy feelings come on I simply sit and 'suffer'...NO I STRUGGLE....I FIGHT those feelings. I tell myself it is because of a chemical imbalance that I feel the way I do. The feelings are not real. I have to struggle to get myself up and out the door. If I simpy SUFFERED, I wouldn't fight. I'd just sit and suffer.
Perhaps you are one who simply said "I have a drinking problem, I surrender, so now I don't need to fight". That is great if it is so. But it isn't so for most of us. Most of us fight, suffer, struggle, battle our addiciton. Do we know we are powerless. Yes, but still we fight.


Ok, onward......Carol and Impur; It's nice to see you and thank you for popping in to say Hi.
Tay.

warrens

Ah Tay

I'm not trying to prove myself right or prove a point. I'm new at this, although it is my second time.

But I do know something is different this time. Something that aids me when my head starts talking to me. Those all too predictable thoughts. Those thoughts try to convince me that drinking is an option if I want it. They don't necessarily tell me to drink. Far more subtle than that. The demon knows that all he has to do is get me engaged in the conversation to win. "Yo mama, Warren!" It taunts me, insults me, tries to get me to fight.

But this time, I approach it differently. By not approaching it at all. Tay, if we "won" our past fights, why are we here?

I don't have any "purer" thoughts than anyone else. I haven't reached some spiritual plateau only attainable to a few. I've just given up the fight. Ok, alcohol, you win.

It doesn't get rid of the taunts and dares. It simply allows me to change the channel. I am starting to find that there are places that the demon won't follow. That wasn't the case before.

I hope we can continue this conversation, Tay. While I know that something is fundamentally different, I'm still trying to figure out just what it is. Writing about it forces me to seek answers for myself.

Have a wonderful day! Hope you are feeling better!

friend warren

tay-lyn

Hey Warren; I may sound hostile, but I certainly am not 'feeling' hostile towards you. Like you, I am simply asserting my opinion.
Perhaps I am a little more cynical because I have had so many attempts for so many years at sobriety. I have had almost a year under my belt of sobriety, I was in a great spiritual place, I felt wonderful, my life was wonderful....without drama, only happiness....I thought about drinking differently, I was winning the battle. But then, just like that, the switch was flipped and there I went.....I picked up. AND I DID DO THE THINGS I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO! That is what makes me so cynical now. I called people for support. I went into a silent place and took time to think about how I didn't want to drink. I picked up my material. I did what I was supposed to, but the drunk took over and I picked up...and lost that battle. I also lost the next three years to booze. Made it back to sobriety again....and started all over. This has happened several times for me. Which is why I know that the pink cloud, the spiritual thoughts, the 'knowing I can't drink', the support I get and give. All of it isn't enough. There is still a battle to be fought. Not every day. But there are times when I struggle.
THIS IS ME. I am not saying it is this way for everyone.
My life is great. I have everything I want. I don't want for anything materialistically. I have great friends, family, job, home, toys, etc.. I am spiritual. I believe in God and I go to church at least once a week and have a home bible study once a week. I read all the material on alcoholism - from spiritual to medical -. I am happy. I look forward to the future. I love and am loved. I want for nothing.
AND YET I STRUGGLE.
So please pardon me if I sound a little hostile when recieving input about my struggle. I don't 'need' anything else in my life to help me with my alcoholism. I am not a stupid gal. I don't associate with idiots or losers. I have about as perfect a life as one can want. And yet. I struggle.
I say these things not to make myself sound great. I say them because I have been told before, take up a hobby! You need to find God! You need to accept and surrender! You need to do this, you need to do that. NO, there is nothing that can be added to my life to make my struggle/battle disappear.
I will always struggle. Am I going to be sober tomorrow? I don't know. Today yes. If we are not struggling, then why do we take one day at a time? If we are so confident that our new thinking, spirituality, outlook, etc., is so strong, why are we not so confident that we won't drink tomorrow? Why are we encouraged to take only one day at a time. The AA poem Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow says, and I quote "Any person can fight the battles of just one day".
So am I a wee bit cynical? Ya. I've read so many posts by people who are new to sobriety saying they have surrendered, accepted, put themselves in God's hands, are thinking differently, know they won't drink again cause they cannot. Well, it ain't that easy for some of us. I truely am happy for those who have it that easy. But I haven't seen anyone with long time sobriety who just up and quit one day and never struggled again because they 'knew' they couldn't drink. I WISH WISH WISH it were that way for me, but it isn't. I struggle.

Tay.