NYC_Chick

Is this a codie trait?

I've recently become aware that I do this. In fact, I did this tonight. Not in the sense that I do things to hurt myself, but I sabotage my own happiness.

For me, I am very comfortable living in chaos (which I think comes from living in an alcoholic home and then having relationships with addicts) so when things are going well I figure out a way to make myself miserable and have familiar feelings back.

So, yesterday I accepted an offer at a new firm. Today I put in my notice at work. All great things, right? I was sitting on the couch enjoying the fact that I no longer had to look for a job or stress out about finding one. Then all of the sudden, panic hit me and I convinced myself that the partner gave me a lower salary figure than he did. I am known by my family as a human tape-recorder, so it is highly unlikely that I mixed this up, but I was so freaked out that I called my friend convinced that I had made some grave mistake by accepting the offer and quitting my job. I then went on to freak out about how I will meet my rent an loan payments if I did that. Then I went a step further and freaked out about how I will explain to the partner that I misheard him and have to leave the firm. Then I freaked out about how to go back to the old firm. It went on until she finally said that I was doing "it" again. Of course, she knows me well. I'm a little more calm, but not much.

The truth is things have been better overall with me than they were the previous 3 years in my relationship with my xabf. Sure, I've had bad days, bad weeks even, but I feel like I just had a major set-back.

Has anyone else had this? Now I feel like a nut!

denny57

Yep. Was a time I didn't know I was alive unless I was on fire.

Meditation helps a lot. Whatever tools you utilize, bring them in full force now.

prodigal

NYC, you are NOT nuts, but like all of us, you gravitate towards the familiar. Never mind that the familiar is chaotic and downright nuts. It's familiar.

When we are so used to bad stuff coming our way; when we expect someone to pull the chair out from under us, we let the negativity kick in. After all, that great piece of chocolate probably has a razor blade in the middle instead of a marashino cherry, right?

Is there something in particular that will relax you a little? Watching something funny on the tube? I guess that suggestion sounds a bit trite, but laughter works for me; and there are a few funny shows to be found in the vast wasteland of today's broadcasting ...

lexusgirl

(((((((NYC))))))

OMG I do it too! I'm learning through therapy why and I agree with Prodigal. I was raised in a very very chaotic house, my Dad was a rageoholic, and my Mom was always depressed. Their 17 year marriage was constant chaos. They would fight, scream, yell, hit things, break things, move in, move out, my Dad was a womanizer. I saw absolutely nothing healthy as a child growing up.

My sister and I were always changing schools. My dad and mom were both verbally, mentally and physically abusive. So I tend to gravitate to what I only know.

I am getting better tho. Over the last 10 years I have changed a lot. I have learned that I don't want to be in the middle of chaos as much anymore. Although sometimes I still tend to create it on my own.

I soon will be working with my therapist doing EMDR therapy.

prodigal

Another suggestion as to why we shoot ourselves in the foot this way .... If we don't have an addict stirring things up, we oftentimes do it ourselves.

Why?

I think it is a codependent trait to have what is termed a "repetition compulsion." We gravitate towards what is familiar to us. Insanity? Okay. Chaos? Fine. We go back to it with the addict in our life, or we make it happen ourselves, in order to fix the past.

Mom and dad were addicts/nuts/rageholics/downright insane. No matter. We are going to fix it; we are going to make it right. All of a sudden things are getting NORMAL for us. We see a good, normal life on the horizon.

SO WHAT THE HECK DO WE DO WITH IT??? We are still trying to fix all the messes from the past in order to make the past turn out okay.

Having things go our way or turn out right is scarey. We're used to witnessing violent fights; being verbally abused, emotionally abused, physically abused.

Heck, we're used to being worried, scared, frustrated, nervous, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Whatever.

And we want to fix that past. No matter if the future holds a change that is for the better.

What is that old saying? It's better to deal with a known evil than an unknown one ...

lostone79

I believe te term is "better the devil you know, than the devil you don't". Talk aboult a negative perception of the future, being trained to stick with the current negative, not realizing that that you might actually be happier if things were to change.

NYC_Chick

I just tried to lay on the couch and watch mindless tv for an hour. I am going to try not freaking out. I debated emailing the partner to clarify. My friend, God love her, said "M, I know you're not crazy and when you start working there they'll know you're not crazy, but until then, don't send an email about anything."

In all seriousness, I'm really uncomfortable right now. The funny thing is I didn't have to negotiate anything with this partner and got what I asked for (I think) but for some reason, and maybe this is it too, I can't trust that this respected attorney really wants to make me part of the firm and that I am actually deserving of being there (please refrain from the lawyer jokes : ) We are usually very good to each other!). Then there is the added "What if they call and change their minds? I have a firm start date, so that is ridiculous, but I can't seem to escape it. I also have one unique hook (which they told me upfront was a big factor in getting me there) that a handful of NY attorney's with my credentials don't have, yet I don't trust that's enough for them to really want me there. Could this also be fear of rejection?

Breathe, Breathe, Breathe...

Is there such a thing as going too fast in recovery? I feel like God is giving me all these great things meaning for it to be good, but it's a lot all at once.

Sorry for rambling.

lexusgirl

Prodigal-Dang girl you hit the nail on the head!!! You should consider a future in counseling maybe??

NYC--I can totally relate to what you're feeling regarding, is there such a thing as going to fast in recovery. It's like all these wonderful things start happening around you and then you're scrambling to find something wrong or not right about them all. Obsessing, analyzing, your thoughts racing a mile a minute. I find myself there often when anything goes right for me.

I think it's because we have to find something wrong in it all to feel comfortable; to feel the panic that something is going to go wrong.

Hang in there; you're onto something. Possibly also a good topic to discuss with your counselor..?

LaTeeDa

I remember discussing this with my counselor. I could feel so on top of the world one day, then the next day this feeling of dread would sink in. For no apparent reason, I was fearful. We decided it was fear of the "other shoe dropping." I was so accustomed to the good things in life being yanked out from under me, that I was actually anticipating it happening. I had trained myself to expect the worst, and (surprise) the worst usually happened. I didn't feel like I deserved good things, so I was always watching my back waiting for something to take it all away.

This took some major work to overcome. Breathing is a good thing. Living in the moment is a good thing. Don't beat yourself up for the anxiety you feel. Try to just enjoy the good. It's unfamiliar, but that doesn't mean it's not real.

L

peaceteach

I'm sure that's where One day at a time comes in, both for the addicts and for us. I learned a valuable lesson from some "normal" people in the waiting-for-24-hours rule on anything that was putting me into a tailspin. Things always look different 24 hours later.

Such valuable advice above. This site amazes me.

NYC_Chick

Thank you all for reading about my meltdown and sharing your thoughts!

I didn't get much sleep last night. I started crying this morning and thought..."NO! I'm not going to do this to myself." So I'm going to keep telling myself today to cut it out. I really didn't expect to have this kind of reaction. I posted about how good it was to get the job yesterday, then just 5 hours later I'm not sure what hit me.

I guess in a way it's also sad to realize that this is what I have done for so long that I didn't know how bad it could get, if that makes sense.

ToughChoices

True, true.

It is so hard to take an honest inventory of oneself and see those things that shame and scare us.

I think you are being very brave.

-TC

lexusgirl

What I find so great about all of this, even though it may not be so great to deal with, is that you're picking up on the fact that you're doing this to yourself. That is half the battle right there. The rest is to figure out and work on ways to cope and deal with this in your life.

For me, working with my therapist on self sabotoging, has opened up my eyes as to why I lead myself down these dead end paths. Things are really "clicking" for me, as for so long I had no clue. It's funny how are minds lead us back to what we feel comfortable with.

Pajarito

Absolutely the best thing about my counseling sessions- if you haven't done this before you will notice you can get through things you've been stuck on much more quickly. It's been a miracle.

(((NYC))) I also grew up in a very chaotic/abusive home- and I know what you mean about sabotaging your happiness. I'm working on figuring out why I do it and how to stop doing it. Counseling has done wonders. I have found that I anticipate the worst in any situation so I can be prepared- something I grew up with. It really doesn't work- and probably is a self-fulfilling thing. Like you my mind can really go off- like a hamster on a wheel! I think the fact that you are recognizing this in yourself is a good sign. Take care- try counseling? Reading? Both have worked for me.

Angelus

I'm of that way of thinking, I'm always looking for the cloud, the other shoe to drop, the bubble to burst, all the cliches. My mom's that way and she passes it on to me, when i call her she interrogates me, insisting that there MUST be something wrong and clearly I'm hiding it from her!

Right now I'm on a daily routine of Yoga and meditation and that's helping immensely

cinderellawkids

NYC, I do the exact same thing. Reading your post was like Deja Vu to the last time I changed firms (Im a paralegal). I even called the office manager to clarify my starting salary useing the excuse that I was being offered more to stay. Now when about to make a big change I make sure I write details on a legal pad and repeat them atleast once or twice, so I am sure I didnt write it down wrong.

Good luck at your new firm