Objective opinions needed on sentimental issue
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Objective opinions needed on sentimental issue
Friends, I need your opinions on a difficult situation I have as I seem unable to make a rational decision.
First let me summarize. 5 years ago I meet an apparently nice woman. She was married at the time and had a 2 year old daughter, although none of that bothered us. Within a few months she sent the daughter away to her own mother in another country and she left her husband.
We were together for 4 years. During which she helped keep me sober (although my benzodiazipine consumption was always escalating).
In retrospect I have assumed that during those 4 years she had cheated on me perhaps 4 or 5 times. I was too blind to see it at the time. But she had told me herself that often when we’d have an argument and she’d disappear for a few days she’d been back to her ex-husband. She said she wasn’t sleeping with him and I foolishly believed that.
After one of her trips to her ex-husband she once said that he had raped her. I believed that too.
A year ago she told me she was seeing another man. I asked her their and then to leave. For the following 6 months I didn’t see or hear from her. In the meanwhile I was hands and knees drunk every day for all of those months.
Although I knew she was living with her new man in the city.
One day she called me and asked me if she could come and stay with me. Like a true addict I couldn’t say no.
I kept my distance from her but on the first night she seduced me.
The second day we’d returned to acting as if we’d never been apart for those 6 months.
On the third day she left, saying she had to urgently go back to her country because her daughter was in hospital with hepatitis. I believed everything. I even booked her flight at my own expenses.
The following day the guy she’d been living with in the city called me. She was their with him. And he wanted to know if we’d had a good time together during the past few days. I was reluctant to tell him if we’d slept together or not but he was so insistant that in the end I told him we had. She was their and she called me a liar (even though both me and her know we had done it!) and denied everything. After this episode we had no contact for the following 4 months.
It was then I realized how outrageous her lying could be. I then realized that no doubt her husband had never raped her! In fact for a while I feared she’d report me to the police as well. That was scary. How could I of have proven my innocence if she had of!?
Last week I saw her in a bar. We talked a bit but I was so anxious I didn’t really say much.
Yesterday she called me and said she’d seen me in my village yesterday morning.
I was wondering last night what she was doing in my town, as she’s living 2 towns down the road.
I was about to call her at 3am last night to ask if she’s seeing anyone from my village. For me that would be a terrible and humiliating torture. I didn’t call her. I’m trying not to be impulsive and irrational.
I know it’s not directly any of my business whether she’s seeing somebody from my town or not. But I’d like to know. Should I ask her? Even though I know I can’t do anything about it. But I still feel as if it’s something I should know about. Because if my suspicions are true I think in that case it would be best for me to leave this town and never come back.
I know I shouldn’t ever have anything to do with this girl anymore, but it’s hard. Theirs part of me which still wants to forgive her and take her back, even though I know that would be wrong on my part. The fact is her actions still hurt me even though we just talk on the phone occasionally. I wish she wasn’t living so close.
Would it be best for me (because she obviously doesn’t care about me, so neither should I take her well-being into consideration too much) to cut her loose all together and not even talk to her on the phone anymore?
Apart from the above episodes when we were together she was good to me. She’d cook for me and take care of me and stuff. But now all she does is hurt me.
I don’t know what to do. I was looking for some wisdom in the bible last night. I found one proverb that said something to the effect of the perfect woman is the crown on her mans head, but the woman who dishonours her man is like cavities to his bones. It's difficult
First let me summarize. 5 years ago I meet an apparently nice woman. She was married at the time and had a 2 year old daughter, although none of that bothered us. Within a few months she sent the daughter away to her own mother in another country and she left her husband.
We were together for 4 years. During which she helped keep me sober (although my benzodiazipine consumption was always escalating).
In retrospect I have assumed that during those 4 years she had cheated on me perhaps 4 or 5 times. I was too blind to see it at the time. But she had told me herself that often when we’d have an argument and she’d disappear for a few days she’d been back to her ex-husband. She said she wasn’t sleeping with him and I foolishly believed that.
After one of her trips to her ex-husband she once said that he had raped her. I believed that too.
A year ago she told me she was seeing another man. I asked her their and then to leave. For the following 6 months I didn’t see or hear from her. In the meanwhile I was hands and knees drunk every day for all of those months.
Although I knew she was living with her new man in the city.
One day she called me and asked me if she could come and stay with me. Like a true addict I couldn’t say no.
I kept my distance from her but on the first night she seduced me.
The second day we’d returned to acting as if we’d never been apart for those 6 months.
On the third day she left, saying she had to urgently go back to her country because her daughter was in hospital with hepatitis. I believed everything. I even booked her flight at my own expenses.
The following day the guy she’d been living with in the city called me. She was their with him. And he wanted to know if we’d had a good time together during the past few days. I was reluctant to tell him if we’d slept together or not but he was so insistant that in the end I told him we had. She was their and she called me a liar (even though both me and her know we had done it!) and denied everything. After this episode we had no contact for the following 4 months.
It was then I realized how outrageous her lying could be. I then realized that no doubt her husband had never raped her! In fact for a while I feared she’d report me to the police as well. That was scary. How could I of have proven my innocence if she had of!?
Last week I saw her in a bar. We talked a bit but I was so anxious I didn’t really say much.
Yesterday she called me and said she’d seen me in my village yesterday morning.
I was wondering last night what she was doing in my town, as she’s living 2 towns down the road.
I was about to call her at 3am last night to ask if she’s seeing anyone from my village. For me that would be a terrible and humiliating torture. I didn’t call her. I’m trying not to be impulsive and irrational.
I know it’s not directly any of my business whether she’s seeing somebody from my town or not. But I’d like to know. Should I ask her? Even though I know I can’t do anything about it. But I still feel as if it’s something I should know about. Because if my suspicions are true I think in that case it would be best for me to leave this town and never come back.
I know I shouldn’t ever have anything to do with this girl anymore, but it’s hard. Theirs part of me which still wants to forgive her and take her back, even though I know that would be wrong on my part. The fact is her actions still hurt me even though we just talk on the phone occasionally. I wish she wasn’t living so close.
Would it be best for me (because she obviously doesn’t care about me, so neither should I take her well-being into consideration too much) to cut her loose all together and not even talk to her on the phone anymore?
Apart from the above episodes when we were together she was good to me. She’d cook for me and take care of me and stuff. But now all she does is hurt me.
I don’t know what to do. I was looking for some wisdom in the bible last night. I found one proverb that said something to the effect of the perfect woman is the crown on her mans head, but the woman who dishonours her man is like cavities to his bones. It's difficult
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,503
Hi Aldo,
I'm sorry for what you have gone through, but it is a learning experience.
In my opinion, cut the woman loose. You said yourself, all she does is hurt me. She is toxic for you with her lying and cheating. She has caused you pain already, and you know in your heart, she will continue to do that, unless she makes some drastic changes in her life. And, again in my opinion, one of those drastic changes, would be to take care of her daughter, which should be her number one priority.
I don't believe that it would help you if you asked her who she was seeing now. Distance yourself from her, focus on your recovery and move forward.
I'm sorry for what you have gone through, but it is a learning experience.
In my opinion, cut the woman loose. You said yourself, all she does is hurt me. She is toxic for you with her lying and cheating. She has caused you pain already, and you know in your heart, she will continue to do that, unless she makes some drastic changes in her life. And, again in my opinion, one of those drastic changes, would be to take care of her daughter, which should be her number one priority.
I don't believe that it would help you if you asked her who she was seeing now. Distance yourself from her, focus on your recovery and move forward.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
I am in complete agreement with Anna. Cut her loose and don't look back. she is not good for you, as you've said in your post. Too many times she's not been honest with you. I can't speak for anyone but myself but I do believe that I'd rather be alone than in a relationship and treated badly. There are worse things than loneliness, and one of the worst things would be getting some sort of disease from this woman who can't stay faithful to one person. Just the possibility of contracting a disease would be enough to keep me far away from that person.
Take care of yourself and your recovery. It seems obvious to me that this woman doesn't care about anyone but herself. Do yourself a favor: cut her loose and run like hell in the opposite direction.
Take care of yourself and your recovery. It seems obvious to me that this woman doesn't care about anyone but herself. Do yourself a favor: cut her loose and run like hell in the opposite direction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Aldo
No advice. Just thoughts on what I would do.
It would seem to me that we have far more pressing and important issues to confront than romantic stuff. Until we can become lovable and captain of our own ship, I don't know that we can sort through the insanity of our own disease.
I ook back to my first recovery and see the errors in "judgment" that I made. Recently divorced, I wanted to be loved so badly. I had visions of a certain woman. A woman who was my secretary. I woman who was extremely attractive. I created a fantasy around her. Thank bloody god that nothing came of it. In 20/20 hindsight it would have been a horror story. It was my insanity talking to me.
I did find a wonderful woman a couple years ago. We love and live together. But it was premature. I see that now. I'm the luckiest guy alive to have found this particular woman but it could have also been disaster. I was far luckier than I was smart. I've put her through a lot that she did not "sign up for." Our relationship is not as far along as it would be if I had been sane the whole time. We'll make it, but it has been a struggle at times.
How much do you have to give right now? Can you assure a future with a whole you? Are you looking to be nursed back to health? Recovery does not come in the form of a woman. It comes from within. Ask yourself if you can. Would you want your daughter to fall in love with you right now? With all the hopes and dreams you have for your daughter? Only you can answer that.
I think the only true motivation for love is the desire to give. To make another's life heaven on earth. Selfless giving. Are you in a position to do that? I'm not. So, my woman, because of my reovery, copes with that. She accepts it, but doesn't deserve it. Life is thus a delicate balance for me. Ideally, I should be focused 100% on becoming whole. Recovery is a selfish business. It hurts when my needs take priority over my ability to give. My woman deserves a whole man.
Just some thoughts. I know you are young and just want to "get it on" in life. Make everything just appear. From zero to 60 mph in 3 seconds. It just might be a recipe for disaster. Keep your hands on the wheel, my friend. Look farther than two towns down the road. There are a lot of dangerous curves and you need to have your eyes on the road and not on a skirt.
warren
No advice. Just thoughts on what I would do.
It would seem to me that we have far more pressing and important issues to confront than romantic stuff. Until we can become lovable and captain of our own ship, I don't know that we can sort through the insanity of our own disease.
I ook back to my first recovery and see the errors in "judgment" that I made. Recently divorced, I wanted to be loved so badly. I had visions of a certain woman. A woman who was my secretary. I woman who was extremely attractive. I created a fantasy around her. Thank bloody god that nothing came of it. In 20/20 hindsight it would have been a horror story. It was my insanity talking to me.
I did find a wonderful woman a couple years ago. We love and live together. But it was premature. I see that now. I'm the luckiest guy alive to have found this particular woman but it could have also been disaster. I was far luckier than I was smart. I've put her through a lot that she did not "sign up for." Our relationship is not as far along as it would be if I had been sane the whole time. We'll make it, but it has been a struggle at times.
How much do you have to give right now? Can you assure a future with a whole you? Are you looking to be nursed back to health? Recovery does not come in the form of a woman. It comes from within. Ask yourself if you can. Would you want your daughter to fall in love with you right now? With all the hopes and dreams you have for your daughter? Only you can answer that.
I think the only true motivation for love is the desire to give. To make another's life heaven on earth. Selfless giving. Are you in a position to do that? I'm not. So, my woman, because of my reovery, copes with that. She accepts it, but doesn't deserve it. Life is thus a delicate balance for me. Ideally, I should be focused 100% on becoming whole. Recovery is a selfish business. It hurts when my needs take priority over my ability to give. My woman deserves a whole man.
Just some thoughts. I know you are young and just want to "get it on" in life. Make everything just appear. From zero to 60 mph in 3 seconds. It just might be a recipe for disaster. Keep your hands on the wheel, my friend. Look farther than two towns down the road. There are a lot of dangerous curves and you need to have your eyes on the road and not on a skirt.
warren
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Aldo,
This woman was a toxic element in the years you shared time together...I ALWAYS have to question to what type of person would leave children, a spouse and jump in a new relationship...ARE they trustworthy? This is my own opinion, however.
THIS type of relationship is as poisonous as the alcohol is...
Having your heart broken clouds the reality of the situation...This is when I was most tempted to drink...
Thinking of you...
This woman was a toxic element in the years you shared time together...I ALWAYS have to question to what type of person would leave children, a spouse and jump in a new relationship...ARE they trustworthy? This is my own opinion, however.
THIS type of relationship is as poisonous as the alcohol is...
Having your heart broken clouds the reality of the situation...This is when I was most tempted to drink...
Thinking of you...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Originally Posted by ImJulie 
If I may quote Jenny from the movie Forest Gump:, "Run Forest...run!"
I'm sorry for all you poor souls who put up with me. I'm so socially handicapped.
I just don't know how to deal with many things when I'm not on any mind altering substances.
Next stop: real life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Madison, WI
Posts: 990
From one socially handicapped soul to another, Aldo... I'd say don't bother saying anything. I know for me, every time I go to the toxic guy planning to say "Hey, you're bad for me, I need to go do my own thing" I end up getting roped in again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Hey Aldo
Many of us have dumped or been dumped a million times. I preferto do it with dignity and grace.
Just what do you owe her? What do you owe yourself? As a gambler, you know the odds.
One thing I have learned is that relationships that don't work out are always for the best. Some things are better unforced. Some things are meant to be and some are not.
One of the ways to deal with social ineptness is to simply be honest. When we try to "persuade" others to be interested in us, it usually involves a bit of dishonesty. Like a car salesman. If we simply assume that all turns out as it should turn out, we can deal with whatever happens.
warren
Many of us have dumped or been dumped a million times. I preferto do it with dignity and grace.
Just what do you owe her? What do you owe yourself? As a gambler, you know the odds.
One thing I have learned is that relationships that don't work out are always for the best. Some things are better unforced. Some things are meant to be and some are not.
One of the ways to deal with social ineptness is to simply be honest. When we try to "persuade" others to be interested in us, it usually involves a bit of dishonesty. Like a car salesman. If we simply assume that all turns out as it should turn out, we can deal with whatever happens.
warren
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Aldo,
There is nobody that can tell you what to do..... But I agree with those that say she is toxic to you. It seems as if she is a lost soul with no idea of what she wants.
I have a feeling if you call her about living in your town, you will be put through more emotional stress.
I guess I will sum it all up with a "Dont call her"
There is nobody that can tell you what to do..... But I agree with those that say she is toxic to you. It seems as if she is a lost soul with no idea of what she wants.
I have a feeling if you call her about living in your town, you will be put through more emotional stress.
I guess I will sum it all up with a "Dont call her"
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 521
Originally Posted by aldo1980
How do I cut her loose? Do I tell her I need to distance myself from her, or do I just do it and leave her with the mystery?
I'm sorry for all you poor souls who put up with me. I'm so socially handicapped. I just don't know how to deal with many things when I'm not on any mind altering substances.
I'm sorry for all you poor souls who put up with me. I'm so socially handicapped.
I just don't know how to deal with many things when I'm not on any mind altering substances.Im just learning myself how to deal with things...deal with life, while not on anything mind altering.
Now, this is just my opinion......but I'd just do it and leave her with the mystery.
You dont owe her anything. Read that again....you dont owe her anything.
Chances are, if you call her or go see her and try to explain why you cant see her anymore...you'll somehow be roped in again.
If you feel bad or guilty for not responding to her....pray for her. Sounds like she needs some prayers.
But her life is in Gods hands. You cant fix it...you cant fix her.
Your only responsibility right now is to your sobriety. Putting yourself anywhere near slippery people/places and things is just asking for trouble.
It also takes the focus off your recovery and puts it somewhere it need not be (an unhealthy relationship).
((hugs)) It will be ok. :ghug3
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Aldo I will offer no advice but I will ask you to trade places with her!
Now looking at you through her eyes what do you think she sees? Write what she sees down and then step back into your shoes, read what you wrote down and ask yourself do I want a person who sees me this way?
You have the answer, you just need to accept the answer and act upon it accordingly.
Now looking at you through her eyes what do you think she sees? Write what she sees down and then step back into your shoes, read what you wrote down and ask yourself do I want a person who sees me this way?
You have the answer, you just need to accept the answer and act upon it accordingly.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: England
Posts: 1,733
I wouldn't contact her Aldo, this needs to be a complete break for your own sanity and peace of mind. If she contacts you I would say that there is no going back and that what is done is done and is all in the past. Put your recovery first and best wishes to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
i'd like to thank everybody for your thoughts and advice.
i'm surprised not one person has advised me to go after her - i think that just goes to show my philosophy must be all wrong.
so i guess this is it then. i have to cut her loose. this probably isn't going to be easy but i guess in the long term it will pay.
i'm surprised not one person has advised me to go after her - i think that just goes to show my philosophy must be all wrong.
so i guess this is it then. i have to cut her loose. this probably isn't going to be easy but i guess in the long term it will pay.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
drop her like the plague dude.She was running around on her husband with you,heck man,you helped break up her marriage.She dumped the child.She dumped her husband...
She has repeatedly ran around on you and will continue to do so.Man how much torture do you want?
leave her behind and find a good woman and get on with your life...you are nuts to get with her again
She has repeatedly ran around on you and will continue to do so.Man how much torture do you want?
leave her behind and find a good woman and get on with your life...you are nuts to get with her again
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Fatal attraction
Excellent suggestions all around, and I agree with these wise people, Aldo. You must respect yourself enough to not allow anyone to take you for granted & hurt you this way. I understand you are curious about who she might be seeing, that's human nature - but why prolong this whole thing, when you need to make a clean break so you can get better? This emotional rollercoaster stuff is holding you back. Bottom line, she sounds unworthy of you Aldo. You don't need to settle for that type of treatment.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
It would seem to me that to love someone in an intimate relationship, spending alot of time with them, I'd have to like them.
I didn't like myself when I lied and cheated, I'm darn sure not going to like someone else when they do those things. My problem is usually, I think if I can just prove it to this other person, how I'm the one for them, they will eventually see it my way and I will get what I want.
Problem with that is I spend all my time trying to change other people, which I can't do, and ignore changing myself, which I must continue to do to become a better person and remain sober.
God's Peace
I didn't like myself when I lied and cheated, I'm darn sure not going to like someone else when they do those things. My problem is usually, I think if I can just prove it to this other person, how I'm the one for them, they will eventually see it my way and I will get what I want.
Problem with that is I spend all my time trying to change other people, which I can't do, and ignore changing myself, which I must continue to do to become a better person and remain sober.
God's Peace
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
What came to mind for me when I was reading your thread, why are you continuing to put your hand in the fire, knowing the end result. You will get burned. It's like when we drink and use, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
This woman sounds as though she is a drug for you. You know that at first it's wonderful, life is grand. Then, reality sets in. The consequences begin to happen. Haven't you hit bottom enough times yet with her?
You deserve better. But save that for later.
Spend some time getting to know you. Work on your Recovery. Find out who Aldo is, not worrying about who Aldo wants to be with.
Since I've been in Recovery I haven't been in a romantic relationship. I spent too many years thinking that I have to be involved with someone or I wasn't complete. Now, I'm enjoying finding out who I am.
There's time for romantic love later.
Today, I am being selfish. I've learned to love myself and now it's my time in life to find out what makes me tick, not someone else!
Let us know how it goes! You can obviously see by the number of people who took the time to read your thread and post their thoughts, you have a great deal of people who care here.
God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy
This woman sounds as though she is a drug for you. You know that at first it's wonderful, life is grand. Then, reality sets in. The consequences begin to happen. Haven't you hit bottom enough times yet with her?
You deserve better. But save that for later.
Spend some time getting to know you. Work on your Recovery. Find out who Aldo is, not worrying about who Aldo wants to be with.
Since I've been in Recovery I haven't been in a romantic relationship. I spent too many years thinking that I have to be involved with someone or I wasn't complete. Now, I'm enjoying finding out who I am.
There's time for romantic love later.
Today, I am being selfish. I've learned to love myself and now it's my time in life to find out what makes me tick, not someone else!
Let us know how it goes! You can obviously see by the number of people who took the time to read your thread and post their thoughts, you have a great deal of people who care here.
God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Judy
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
