Helping a victim take the first step?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Helping a victim take the first step?
How can I help to break the spell that my Mom seems to be under regarding her attitude toward my drunken brother? (BTW, my brother lives with my Mom and he continues to "accidentally" beat her up). He is currently on probation for an assault against her. My Mom has been reluctant to call the police on subsequent violent instances with my brother... Mom knows that he would get into serious trouble because he's on probation.
I live some 200 miles from them, and only hear about these incidents via phone calls. Although, I DO know my brother and have seen him arrested before, for a DUI, and later, an assault against me. I have also witnessed unreported assaults against my Dad, his girlfriend, my Uncle, my cousin, and my girlfriend... fortunately (perhaps), he no longer has any social life and only hangs out with my family. Otherwise, he may have been seriously confronted (a good old-fashioned ass-whooping) by the regular bar-goers. Also, he used to be the most popular guy in high school, he took the hottest girl (older) to prom, and was generally a pretty gregarious guy. But that was years ago.
As far as I know, if I called his probation officer, little would be accomplished unless my Mom confirms the accusation. Which she won't do. The only progress I've made with my Mom is to tell her that she is only hurting my brother by allowing his behavior to continue. My initial outrage about her personnel safety seemed to fall on deaf ears.
Anyways, to make a long story short (too late), I'd like to help my Mom to take action. That seems to be the only thing I can do. She's apprehensive to ever call the police again. I would like her to put her foot down on ANY drinking whatsoever. She's afraid that the only way to do that is to call the police, which she won't do. Also, since she's spent nearly $20k to fix his assault charge against her... lawyer, rehab, fines, court costs.... she feels that she can't afford another charge against him. Even though I have told her (as have others) that it's not her responsibility.
How can I help my Mom to understand that her approach is only allowing my brother to continue his downward spiral?
I live some 200 miles from them, and only hear about these incidents via phone calls. Although, I DO know my brother and have seen him arrested before, for a DUI, and later, an assault against me. I have also witnessed unreported assaults against my Dad, his girlfriend, my Uncle, my cousin, and my girlfriend... fortunately (perhaps), he no longer has any social life and only hangs out with my family. Otherwise, he may have been seriously confronted (a good old-fashioned ass-whooping) by the regular bar-goers. Also, he used to be the most popular guy in high school, he took the hottest girl (older) to prom, and was generally a pretty gregarious guy. But that was years ago.
As far as I know, if I called his probation officer, little would be accomplished unless my Mom confirms the accusation. Which she won't do. The only progress I've made with my Mom is to tell her that she is only hurting my brother by allowing his behavior to continue. My initial outrage about her personnel safety seemed to fall on deaf ears.
Anyways, to make a long story short (too late), I'd like to help my Mom to take action. That seems to be the only thing I can do. She's apprehensive to ever call the police again. I would like her to put her foot down on ANY drinking whatsoever. She's afraid that the only way to do that is to call the police, which she won't do. Also, since she's spent nearly $20k to fix his assault charge against her... lawyer, rehab, fines, court costs.... she feels that she can't afford another charge against him. Even though I have told her (as have others) that it's not her responsibility.
How can I help my Mom to understand that her approach is only allowing my brother to continue his downward spiral?
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by schtevo 
How can I help my Mom to understand that her approach is only allowing my brother to continue his downward spiral?
It's very hard on you to be in this situation, but from my own experience I don't think you'll be able to do it until she's ready to see it herself.
I have to stand by and watch my mother constantly pick my brother back up off the floor, in spite of all the things he's doing at the moment.
I've learned to treat my mothers problems with my brother in the same way I treat my brothers problems. They're both addicts, he's addicted to alcohol and she's addicted to him and his behaviour.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by schtevo
Thanks LucyA-
Yup... One's addicted to alcohol, the other one is a chronic helper.... A dangerous combination.
Yup... One's addicted to alcohol, the other one is a chronic helper.... A dangerous combination.
The only advice I would give you is do your best not to make the combination into a triangle.
Don't become the chronic helper of a chronic helper.
I almost did and it started to affect every aspect of my life, from my health to my work and social life.
Look after you.
I was lucky to find friends on here who nudged me into doing the right things for me, stick around you'll find the same. x
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wow Schtevo - what a sad, intense situation.
Can you encourage your mom to go to Alanon or is there some other outreach/mental health support or Women's support group she could take advantage of in her area? A Battered Women's shelter would probably have good referrals for low-no-cost group therapy.... Maybe get the focus off of the criminal behavior of your brother and start helping your mom to rebuild her sense of self worth so that she begins to see for herself that she is not on this earth to be a punching bag.
Maybe if the pressure isn't tied to her bad decisiosn regarding your brother but more like a neutral therapeutic approach - like, Mom your life is pretty stressful right now and I don't want you to get sick or weak, etc., and maybe you should go talk to someone (therapist)...y'know nothng to do with your brother or the criminal justice system or anything like that but just a straight focus on her mental health....
If she will deny charges whenever outsiders step in to call the police then I guess there is not much you can do.
Take care of yourself - this is just the kind of powerlessness that would send me into a tailspin of frustration and rage....I hope you have some healthy outlets and a plan for your own mental health. A counseler might have some good ideas about the type of language you could use to encourage your mom to seek help....
Good Luck.
Peace,
B.
Can you encourage your mom to go to Alanon or is there some other outreach/mental health support or Women's support group she could take advantage of in her area? A Battered Women's shelter would probably have good referrals for low-no-cost group therapy.... Maybe get the focus off of the criminal behavior of your brother and start helping your mom to rebuild her sense of self worth so that she begins to see for herself that she is not on this earth to be a punching bag.
Maybe if the pressure isn't tied to her bad decisiosn regarding your brother but more like a neutral therapeutic approach - like, Mom your life is pretty stressful right now and I don't want you to get sick or weak, etc., and maybe you should go talk to someone (therapist)...y'know nothng to do with your brother or the criminal justice system or anything like that but just a straight focus on her mental health....
If she will deny charges whenever outsiders step in to call the police then I guess there is not much you can do.
Take care of yourself - this is just the kind of powerlessness that would send me into a tailspin of frustration and rage....I hope you have some healthy outlets and a plan for your own mental health. A counseler might have some good ideas about the type of language you could use to encourage your mom to seek help....
Good Luck.
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Unfortunately as with active alcoholics, we active co-dependents also need to hit rock bottom.
That is what needs to happen here, your Mom probably thinks she helping and protecting him when she is really enabling him to stay sick.
Not much you can do other than detach, it has to come from her.
Ngaire
That is what needs to happen here, your Mom probably thinks she helping and protecting him when she is really enabling him to stay sick.
Not much you can do other than detach, it has to come from her.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by schtevo
How can I help to break the spell that my Mom seems to be under regarding her attitude toward my drunken brother? (BTW, my brother lives with my Mom and he continues to "accidentally" beat her up). He is currently on probation for an assault against her. My Mom has been reluctant to call the police on subsequent violent instances with my brother... Mom knows that he would get into serious trouble because he's on probation.
I live some 200 miles from them, and only hear about these incidents via phone calls. Although, I DO know my brother and have seen him arrested before, for a DUI, and later, an assault against me. I have also witnessed unreported assaults against my Dad, his girlfriend, my Uncle, my cousin, and my girlfriend... fortunately (perhaps), he no longer has any social life and only hangs out with my family. Otherwise, he may have been seriously confronted (a good old-fashioned ass-whooping) by the regular bar-goers. Also, he used to be the most popular guy in high school, he took the hottest girl (older) to prom, and was generally a pretty gregarious guy. But that was years ago.
As far as I know, if I called his probation officer, little would be accomplished unless my Mom confirms the accusation. Which she won't do. The only progress I've made with my Mom is to tell her that she is only hurting my brother by allowing his behavior to continue. My initial outrage about her personnel safety seemed to fall on deaf ears.
Anyways, to make a long story short (too late), I'd like to help my Mom to take action. That seems to be the only thing I can do. She's apprehensive to ever call the police again. I would like her to put her foot down on ANY drinking whatsoever. She's afraid that the only way to do that is to call the police, which she won't do. Also, since she's spent nearly $20k to fix his assault charge against her... lawyer, rehab, fines, court costs.... she feels that she can't afford another charge against him. Even though I have told her (as have others) that it's not her responsibility.
How can I help my Mom to understand that her approach is only allowing my brother to continue his downward spiral?
I live some 200 miles from them, and only hear about these incidents via phone calls. Although, I DO know my brother and have seen him arrested before, for a DUI, and later, an assault against me. I have also witnessed unreported assaults against my Dad, his girlfriend, my Uncle, my cousin, and my girlfriend... fortunately (perhaps), he no longer has any social life and only hangs out with my family. Otherwise, he may have been seriously confronted (a good old-fashioned ass-whooping) by the regular bar-goers. Also, he used to be the most popular guy in high school, he took the hottest girl (older) to prom, and was generally a pretty gregarious guy. But that was years ago.
As far as I know, if I called his probation officer, little would be accomplished unless my Mom confirms the accusation. Which she won't do. The only progress I've made with my Mom is to tell her that she is only hurting my brother by allowing his behavior to continue. My initial outrage about her personnel safety seemed to fall on deaf ears.
Anyways, to make a long story short (too late), I'd like to help my Mom to take action. That seems to be the only thing I can do. She's apprehensive to ever call the police again. I would like her to put her foot down on ANY drinking whatsoever. She's afraid that the only way to do that is to call the police, which she won't do. Also, since she's spent nearly $20k to fix his assault charge against her... lawyer, rehab, fines, court costs.... she feels that she can't afford another charge against him. Even though I have told her (as have others) that it's not her responsibility.
How can I help my Mom to understand that her approach is only allowing my brother to continue his downward spiral?
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