Meeka582

I need some advice, and I didn't know where else to post this, so I hope its ok here.
I have been with my boyfriend for two years. He attends meetings and is going through the steps. He had a drug issue before we met and the first few months that we were together, we would drink a little. Then, one day, he came up to me and said he wasn't going to drink anymore. He went to the meetings a lot more and they seem to have taken over his life.
Recently, he told me that I am not his top priority and that I never will be. Even if we were to have a family, his family would not be the most important thing in the world to him. He has no idea how much this hurt me. I'm okay with not being number one right now. We're young, just figuring ourselves and each other out, but I need to know that if we bring another person into this world, that nothing else will compare to us. My family is more important than anything else in the world to me (and I include my bf in that) and it really hurts knowing that I can never be that important to him.
I feel like he can't give me all of him because his life revolves around AA.
Any thoughts? Anybody? Please

Barbara52

Sounds like he's being honest and saying you (and any potential children) will never be as important to him as you would like to me.

I'd listen to him.

Is that what you want for yourself? To be less important than (fill in the blank)? Is that your idea of what a marriage/relationship should be?

Once you answer those questions I think you'll know what you want to do.

Meeka582

No, its not what I want in life. I can't stand our relationship and I'm miserable. But I love him so much and the thought of losing him is unimaginable. I guess I just want to know it is the same for anyone in AA. If everyone puts it before their family.

Barbara52

What do you love so much about a man who tells you that you will never come first for him? Are you in love wiht the man or the man you want him to be, that you think he can be? I have found that it is best to deal with the realities rather than what I hope will become true.

No, its not the same for everyone in AA. Its true for some, not all, that they choose to focus exclusively on themselves. It makes sense that they do so since fighting that addiction is a full time effort. But not all feel the same way.

DESIGNER

You need to look at what you just said. I was also miserable at times with my xabf. I loved him to and still do and loosing him has been very very hard but I think for me I was in love with the dream of having a marriage, having children with him and a nice little life. I wanted it so bad that I stayed throug the miserable times. Having a family one day is also very important to me and sometimes to him but other times he also told me that he probably never will fully be able to give me everything that I want out of life. That for some reason was ok with me....at the time! We were such a cute little couple and it appeared that we were very happy to strangers(note I said strangers...family and friends new differently)

What I am trying to tell you is look at the whole picture. I know that it is hard and I am still working on doing that with myself. Marriage and a family for me is forever.....I need someone in my life that has those same views. When I marry I want the person in my life to put me first and our family and in return I want to do the same.

Its good that he is in a recovery program and he needs to put AA first in his life if that is what keeps him clean and sober but you need to ask yourself if you are ok with that. You need to really dig deep withen yourself and go with your gut instinct.....don't ignore it like I did for 4 long yrs.

prodigal

Someone who can't stand their relationship and is miserable is just that. Love has no room in a relationship one cannot stand. Love and misery don't mix; kind of like oil and water.

Your bf has been painfully honest with you. You will not come first, his recovery will come first. I don't know if he's ever discussed marriage, but from what you've written I'd venture to guess that marriage with you, or anyone else, at this time is not a priority in his life. Nor are children.

I'd suggest you carefully consider if it is worth investing more years in this relationship.

Spiritual Seeker

I met a couple of guys ( when I dropped my son off at rehab) that have been at the rehab for 11 mos. They told me that their recovery has to come 1st at all times, because otherwise they will lose everything anyway.
Maybe your boyfriend is just working his recovery program and his comments reflect this.
How does he treat you? Do you feel he is in love with you.
Addicts are selfish. Has he overcome this character defect?
Are you his beloved? You will know if you are?

MsGolightly

this is what i was thinking.

like barbara said, i don't think everyone in AA works the same way, but i would venture to say that for most recovering addicts, their sobriety HAS to come first, because without it, their lives would crumble and fall apart.

personally, i would feel that if i knowingly entered a relationship with a recovering addict, i would expect them to put their sobriety before me. it might not "sound" so great, but if it's what's keeping their life stable and in essence, keeping them alive, i wouldn't stand in the way, nor would i be upset at being second place to that.

but like others above me said, you need to determine if that's what YOU want out of a relationship. he's telling you how it is and it's your choice to accept it or not.

CarolD

hmm...
As he has been clean and sober for awhile
his thinking is clear on his future.

If this is making you miserable now...it will only get worse.
It's not a question of his addiction or recovery
it's a question of why you choose to be miserable.

Not all loves are forever...
so to answer your question

Yes...you are wasteing your time with this guy.

You said you were young...so perhaps you have
not dated a lot of men. I am old and I have.

There is no reason I would be involved
with a man who did not cherish and honor us.
..Over the span of decades
I found 7 who did. Bless them all.

I do hope you find your way into joy!

Shivaya

Meeka, very harsh words to hear and accept, coming from someone you love. Sorry for your pain...

I would listen to him. I would give him his space, so that he can focus on his recovery.

I would take this opportunity to work on myself, perhaps attend some alanon mtgs., really do some soul searching.....

My ah and I have been together for 19 years. He has been a drinker the entire time.....the disease has progressed to the point where he blacks out, does things he can't remember. He has been with us (we have 2 children), but he has not really "been" with us. Meaning....the alcohol always has priority.....

I only wish he would have said to me before we were married, before we had kids, that he needed to get help and work a program.....geez....I wish he'd say that now!!

You are young...you are strong....listen to what he has said to you.....many, many years from now, you might actually see this as a "gift" he gave to you......

Please keep us posted.


Shivaya