wish he'd quit

but I need to vent and didn't know where else to turn. Heck I don't even know where to start. Ah's drinking has gotten worse. Or should I say the verbal abuse. I can't even remember the last day that he didn't drink or was even sober. And of course, when he is drunk, I am called every name in the book and sometimes infront of my kids. I am also seeing a counselor now. It originally started out for one thing, but I told him that I am considering divorcing my husband. It was rather liberating to finally confess it to someone. I think it was Keeping My Joy who said something to the extent of not enabling the alcoholic to treat me bad, when the alcoholic asked for someone to go get them beer. Well this has stuck with me and I do my best to live by these words because this has been a big issue for me.It has now come to living one day at a time to see where things go.

Anyways... This past weekend I had an event I had to go to for school. My inlaws kept the kids while I went, then dropped then off later to AH. Well there was a 30 minute period between the kids being dropped off and me getting home. When I arrived home, Ah was in bed and my daughter who is 2 was in the living room with no diaper on watching cartoons with her brother who is 5 and the front door was hanging wide open. I was livid. I know that he took her to bed with him, because that is how she falls asleep every night. But I have told him time after time to put her in her crib if Im not there and of course he didn't. Then he had the nerve to blame me that she was up because I wasnt home. :wtf2

Then today I find out that abil is out of jail early. He was supposed to serve 4 months for his 8th DUI. Well now my mil wants to have a big "celebration" tonight. I still have anger towards him for getting in my face last fall when he was drunk and something happened that had nothing to do with me. I have only talked to him like 2x since then and not by choice. I still am afraid of abil and do not trust him. But I also have a feeling that his being out is going to cause alot of problems this weekend. I just pray that I'm over thinking this.


Sorry for rambling. I'm just upset right now and don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.

FormerDoormat

Wishing he'd quit won't make the problem go away. What steps can you take to make the problem go away?

underwood

Welcome "wish he would quit", I am sorry to hear of your pain and suffering at the hands of your AH and his family as well. You will get support here and have come to the right place.
You need to take care of yourself and your little ones. Counseling is a good start. You should consider Al-Anon meetings as well. Just by discussing your situation you will feel relief and be able to make positive changes for yourself and your children. Listen to the people here....they share a lot of wisdom and have helped me.

Barbara52

Perhaps changing the focus from him to you and the kids would be a good thing for you? You are teaching your kids that their daddy's behavior is normal and acceptable. You are putting them in situations that are dangerous. Is this what you want to do?

Lilyflower

This is the big one to get your head around, and one that took me a while digesting. It is easy to say you are suffering because of ..... However it is not true. We all have choices that we can make to change the life we live. Sometimes the choices I have, do not rest comfortably with me, perhaps it is out of my comfort zone, maybe there is some preparation involved before I can take certain steps... The bottom line is, that by doing nothing (in your example with the AH, the ABIL, the MIL etc) I am CHOOSING to remain in a situation that makes me feel low, upset, defeated etc. I tried boundaries and working on myself etc but for me what worked in the end was ending it. Have you asked yourself what choices are available to you, and worked thropugh these options to yourself?

Good Luck
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

denny57

(((wishhedquit)))

I was verbally abused for years. There are some excellent resources on it. Patricia Evans, Lundy Bancroft, etc.

Feel free to PM me any time. The steady drip of verbal abuse robbed me of my confidence. I came to truly believe what was being said to me. It is insidious and at the end of my marriage I believed I was crazy, just like he said.

It pains me you are going through this; it is an awful way to live. The good news is, you don't have to.

wish he'd quit

Ugh I'm hoping the third time trying to post is the charm. Thank you for all the replys! I truely appreciate them!

My user name is one that I made up last year when I first joined. Wishing he would quit is a joke. He made it apparent that he has no plans of quitting any time soon when he told me that his dad was a drunk for a while and now he needs to be too.

I have taken steps to start getting us out. I have been starting to save money and check into what assistance is available for us. I have also admitted to my counselor that I am considering divorce. That is a huge step for me since I really hadn't admitted it to many others. I'm so afraid of making a wrong decision that I want to discuss the whole thing with a neutral person. I take part of the blame as I have my own issues and am not even close to being a perfect wife. I know that there is no such thing, but I do tend to neglect or avoid what some would consider "wifely duties." But this has gotten to the point that it is affecting my overall health and I need to do something and quick.

Denny57 thank you so much for the offer! I would love to talk with you. I do have Patricia Evans book on verbally abusive relationships, which I have recently started reading. I'm not familiar with some of the others. I will PM you when I get home this afternoon. Thanks again!

atalose

It's good that you are going to counseling and making an escape plan. In the mean time you just can’t leave your kids alone with him again. I know how hard this is and it doesn’t sound like getting emotional help from his family is going to work in your favor.

If it were me I would not attend this celebration that your abil was forced (jail) to get sober by and now is free to pick up again.

Getting away from codependent behavior is going to be where your strength comes from, both your codie behavior and theirs.

wish he'd quit

Oh no I would never attend his celebration. While I will be around him if we are all at my inlaws, I will not be part of celebrating the release of a drunk. Inlaws claim that they are against drinking, but will defend his every action until they are blue in the face. Not long after abil had gotten in my face, mil wanted to have a party and invited us. Well I told her that I was not comfortable being around him. She then replied to me that she was not there and didn't know what happened so she wasnt going to get involved. Well she knows that he has beat up his on again off again girlfriend and they actually treat her like she is the scum of the earth because she stood up to him.