I've Decided !!!
Still Standing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I've Decided !!!
This morning I decided that I will not let my addict/alcoholic son or anyone else, take my joy away from me any longer. I am naturally a silly, loud and happy person and I've allowed others to make me sad and solemn. I'm 52 yrs. old and immature sometimes. I'm naturally very happy and silly and I tend to get on everyone's nerves. For the last several years, I've tried to change and act mature and grown up so that I don't get on other's nerves or embarrass them or myself, and so they won't dislike me, and I've had my son doing his deadly illegal stuff for the last almost 13 yrs, so that I've been devastated, distraught and hurting too. My son was clean and sober since he's been in jail, prison and now out and newly married to a special girl that really loves him. For the last few weeks, I have seen the extremely obvious signs that he is using drugs and drinking again and I've been really depressed and sad and others have been treating me ugly again because I'm not doing things the way that they want me to.
This morning I just decided that I am so tired of things that I can't do anything about, that are obviously going to continue and keep getting worse and others are going to keep judging me about how I handle myself during these traumatic times, while I'm doing the best I can. I am just so tired of not getting to be the real me. I'm sick of not getting to be happy and light-hearted like my real self. I'm sick of being judged and people treating me like they are better than me and smarter than me, just because I act goofy and silly and loud and I'm not a graceful socialite like they are trying to be. I just can't take this anymore and I miss getting to be the real silly and happy me. I'm gonna be me and I don't care if anyone likes it or if I have any friends or anyone to love me or like me. I want to enjoy my short life here on this ole earth and as I keep trying to remind myself that what others think of me is none of my business. It is their deal and their problem. I'm so tired of sadness and seriousness. It's just too much for me anymore. I feel like they have and are trying to drain the life out of me and take the joy out of my life.
If I sound mad, it's because I am. Mad at my son's hurtful choices and the others who constantly look at me judgmentally under their magnifying glass while I'm really trying to handle things just right and treat all of them like I want to be treated. It's all useless and everything just keeps getting worse.
This morning I just decided that I am so tired of things that I can't do anything about, that are obviously going to continue and keep getting worse and others are going to keep judging me about how I handle myself during these traumatic times, while I'm doing the best I can. I am just so tired of not getting to be the real me. I'm sick of not getting to be happy and light-hearted like my real self. I'm sick of being judged and people treating me like they are better than me and smarter than me, just because I act goofy and silly and loud and I'm not a graceful socialite like they are trying to be. I just can't take this anymore and I miss getting to be the real silly and happy me. I'm gonna be me and I don't care if anyone likes it or if I have any friends or anyone to love me or like me. I want to enjoy my short life here on this ole earth and as I keep trying to remind myself that what others think of me is none of my business. It is their deal and their problem. I'm so tired of sadness and seriousness. It's just too much for me anymore. I feel like they have and are trying to drain the life out of me and take the joy out of my life.
If I sound mad, it's because I am. Mad at my son's hurtful choices and the others who constantly look at me judgmentally under their magnifying glass while I'm really trying to handle things just right and treat all of them like I want to be treated. It's all useless and everything just keeps getting worse.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
(((NINA))) its so easy to loose ourselves while helping others or trying to please everyone. If you make someone else happy you make someone else mad. Learn to make yourself happy and everything else will fall into place just the way its supposed to. Laugh and be as immature as you want to be after all its YOUR life LIVE it the way you want!!!!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Yea NinaKay- I like your honesty here. You have clearly set your intent which is the 1st step for change. I have felt like you do before, that my joy for life was zapped by my son's addiction. Learning to stay in the momemt helps. We have to recapture our zest for life.
Being fun and silly sounds great to me. Being true to yourself is the path.
Being fun and silly sounds great to me. Being true to yourself is the path.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
IMO, In general the well being, safety and happiness is a "Higher" priority for the person affected by drugs than the drug addicted.
You have the God given "Right" to be Happy, and live a Happy, Peaceful Life.
If there was a "Burning Building" and you ran in it to save your son, but he was Not There, Would you stay in the building just in case he shows up?, Injesting the smoke, poisons and risk your own death, In hopes he shows up?
Or would you run for your own safety, and save your own life? And trust that he is not in there, or let the fireman do their jobs. Interfering with the job of the fireman, may make the job harder and cause harm to both of you.
You deserve to let yourself be happy.
:ghug3
You have the God given "Right" to be Happy, and live a Happy, Peaceful Life.
If there was a "Burning Building" and you ran in it to save your son, but he was Not There, Would you stay in the building just in case he shows up?, Injesting the smoke, poisons and risk your own death, In hopes he shows up?
Or would you run for your own safety, and save your own life? And trust that he is not in there, or let the fireman do their jobs. Interfering with the job of the fireman, may make the job harder and cause harm to both of you.
You deserve to let yourself be happy.
:ghug3
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
From one silly over 50 old broad to another....woooo hoooo!!!
It was a huge relief for me when I stopped trying to please the world and decided to just be "me", love me or leave me.
The entire world does not have to love me or even like me...I don't like every single person I meet either. All I have to do is be true to myself and if I'm the best person I know how to be...that's good enough for me.
I think you have "arrived" Nina Kay, and the world is just waiting for you to kick up your heels.
Now wipe those tears and blow that nose and let's go have some fun.
It was a huge relief for me when I stopped trying to please the world and decided to just be "me", love me or leave me.
The entire world does not have to love me or even like me...I don't like every single person I meet either. All I have to do is be true to myself and if I'm the best person I know how to be...that's good enough for me.
I think you have "arrived" Nina Kay, and the world is just waiting for you to kick up your heels.
Now wipe those tears and blow that nose and let's go have some fun.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 379
Bravo for you! I like what Spiritual Seeker said about staying in the moment. That is something that I try to practice because it really does bring peace and joy. It's one of those "simple but not easy" things!
I've taken my share of flack for not getting "appropriately upset" with my addict son, and not letting him move in with me. But I know that allowing the drama too close to my world does nothing to help me or him.
Good for you for sending your intentions out to the universe and taking a stand for your own happiness. We really do create our own reality!
40 Thieves
I've taken my share of flack for not getting "appropriately upset" with my addict son, and not letting him move in with me. But I know that allowing the drama too close to my world does nothing to help me or him.
Good for you for sending your intentions out to the universe and taking a stand for your own happiness. We really do create our own reality!
40 Thieves
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
((((Nina))))
Another silly girl here..My girls have told me the older I get, the more immature I act...I take that as a compliment!
Celebrate you Nina, a unique, happy, silly, delightful and loving woman!!
Another silly girl here..My girls have told me the older I get, the more immature I act...I take that as a compliment!
Celebrate you Nina, a unique, happy, silly, delightful and loving woman!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Nina)))
I'm glad you're taking care of you!
My mom was always like a big kid...laughed loud, acted silly and wasn't afraid to make a fool of herself if she was doing something she wanted to (like playing in the rain and jumping in mud puddles). The kids in the neighborhood would come to our house and ask if mom could come out and play.
She died when she was 50, but we all think she got at LEAST 100 years of living squeezed into those 50 years.
I'm silly, almost always in a good mood...I'm just a 46-year-old big kid!
When we stop letting the problems/issues of others bring us down, life gets a whole lot better!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm glad you're taking care of you!
My mom was always like a big kid...laughed loud, acted silly and wasn't afraid to make a fool of herself if she was doing something she wanted to (like playing in the rain and jumping in mud puddles). The kids in the neighborhood would come to our house and ask if mom could come out and play.
She died when she was 50, but we all think she got at LEAST 100 years of living squeezed into those 50 years.
I'm silly, almost always in a good mood...I'm just a 46-year-old big kid!
When we stop letting the problems/issues of others bring us down, life gets a whole lot better!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Still Standing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I really appreciate what each of you had to say. It was very encouraging to read your replies.
I also want to add that I have tried to believe the fact that what my grown son does and chooses to do isn't my fault, but I don't know if I've really been able to grasp it fully. However, today, I've decided that I will also stop being personally embarrassed and ashamed because of the choices that my son makes and the things that he does and doesn't do while he is under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I do know that I've tried very hard to raise him right and what he is doing is the extreme opposite of everything that I have raised him to be, so it can't be my fault that he is living like this and it certainly shouldn't reflect on me. I don't have anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about anymore and I'm tired of feeling like I have to answer for him and his actions all of the time. And I know that even if it was my place to feel responsible for all of this, (which its not) I have certainly already been punished more than enough for any mistakes that I could have made while raising him. I'm tired of living in the shadow of his drama. I want to be happy again. I want to laugh out loud and be silly and obnoxious and goofy and let people think that I am really ******** if they want to. I want to feel light-hearted again and enjoy the little things in life, like I used to. I don't want to feel so extremely exhausted and weighed down all of the time anymore, like I have for so many years now. I just want to be ME, no matter what anyone thinks of me, including my intelligent, quiet and serious husband. I want to feel like it's really okay to be the real me.
I want to thank each of you for reading all of this and listening to me rant and encouraging and supporting me in my decisions. You are all very special and loving and that's what makes SR such a great place to be a part of. We are a special family here.
(((((((((((((((Loving and Grateful Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
I also want to add that I have tried to believe the fact that what my grown son does and chooses to do isn't my fault, but I don't know if I've really been able to grasp it fully. However, today, I've decided that I will also stop being personally embarrassed and ashamed because of the choices that my son makes and the things that he does and doesn't do while he is under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I do know that I've tried very hard to raise him right and what he is doing is the extreme opposite of everything that I have raised him to be, so it can't be my fault that he is living like this and it certainly shouldn't reflect on me. I don't have anything to be ashamed of or embarrassed about anymore and I'm tired of feeling like I have to answer for him and his actions all of the time. And I know that even if it was my place to feel responsible for all of this, (which its not) I have certainly already been punished more than enough for any mistakes that I could have made while raising him. I'm tired of living in the shadow of his drama. I want to be happy again. I want to laugh out loud and be silly and obnoxious and goofy and let people think that I am really ******** if they want to. I want to feel light-hearted again and enjoy the little things in life, like I used to. I don't want to feel so extremely exhausted and weighed down all of the time anymore, like I have for so many years now. I just want to be ME, no matter what anyone thinks of me, including my intelligent, quiet and serious husband. I want to feel like it's really okay to be the real me.
I want to thank each of you for reading all of this and listening to me rant and encouraging and supporting me in my decisions. You are all very special and loving and that's what makes SR such a great place to be a part of. We are a special family here.
(((((((((((((((Loving and Grateful Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
Way to Go Nina Kay! I'm so glad you are feeling free to be your wonderful self!
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Hey Nina be YOU and only YOU!!!!!
I am the type of person whose serious usually... at times I look at people who are silly, and laughing and I wonder to myself how could I be that way. It seems a little easier way to live when you can be silly!!
Hugs,
Jewelz
I am the type of person whose serious usually... at times I look at people who are silly, and laughing and I wonder to myself how could I be that way. It seems a little easier way to live when you can be silly!!
Hugs,
Jewelz
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
be the happy,silly person you are. never be ashamed of your son or blame yourself. i am not ashamed of my a.s. i know underneath all them drugs is a wonderful man & that he is sick. i used to blame me but i do not anymore. i will not take the blame. be yourself & be happy about who u are. big hugs,
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