BeyondConfused

Hey everyone..

My girlfriend is an alcoholic, and everything was good for awhile, but lately, it has all been crashing down. I know that she has it in her to be sober, and she has done it before. There are just so many things that I don't understand. If she wants a future with me so badly, and wants to marry me, and means the things that she says to me, why can't she stop drinking? She sees what this is doing to our relationship and to different aspects of her life, and I KNOW that it is a disease. I know that if it was EASY, she wouldn't be where she is now. I just get so hurt and confused by her actions. Nothing in me wants to leave her, but everything in me wants my old girlfriend back.. I want to be treated like I used to be..

I have never been to Al-Anon meetings, but maybe I should start going? Honestly, I'm scared to go by myself, and I don't have anyone here that would understand or go with me (our relationship is long distance, by the way).

Help.. what should I do..

Rella927

Welcome Beyond! Glad that you found us! sorry that you are going through this right now-Please know you have found the right place and are not alone!

I was scared the first time I went to Al-Anon too-it is a natural feeling-but once you walk through those doors, I can bank on that you will be glad that you did! It is getting into the room you will see everyone in their will understand you!

prodigal

Unfortunately, the disease is progressive. It is also a roller-coaster, emotionally speaking. The only thing that is consistent is the inconsistency of their behaviors and responses. Expect the unexpected.

She has done it before, but apparently she has relapsed. That does not mean she won't try to get sober again. However, it is entirely up to her.

She cannot stop drinking because, at this time, she does not want to stop drinking. She is doing precisely what addicts in active addiction do. They use. Your relationship is taking a back seat to her addiction. Right now, she very well may want a future with you. But a big part of that equation that is being factored into it is her desire to continue drinking. I think you should seriously consider what YOU want. If you want to marry a sober woman, I would suggest you wait until she has a year of sobriety under her belt and is working a strong program.

AskingWhy

Well, you have a slight advantage over what I had because at least you know going in that your GF is an alcoholic. Mine hid it from me until after we were married.

I'd agree with Prodigal. Wait at least a year and make sure she is working her program. It is a losing proposition if you marry her "as is" right now and think that you can save her.

Barbara52

Welcome. You will find a wealth of information in this place along with wonderful people to provide support. Read everything you can get your hands/eyes on so that you are going forward from a position of knowledge of what you are dealing with. AlAnon might be a great step too.

DESIGNER

This is my story as well....exactly the same. My exabf wanted marriage with me and kids and a nice home and a future but could only stop drinking every once in a while. He loved me yes I know that for sure but in the end he chose the drink over me. I got in the way. I did not handle the situations correctly and he got sick of me interfering with his drinking.

The only advice that I have for you is really try and understand the addiction and go to alanon and DO NOT blame yourself. If I would have done those three things I would not be were I am today. Reading the alcohol forum where people are trying to quit drinking is very useful. YOu are kind of able to get into thier mind for a while and figure out what they are thinking.

One more thing....remember your girlfriend is not trying to hurt you or your relationship(even though it feels that way). SHe is hurting herself and in return it is hurting you.

Hang in there.

triciafawn

Hi. If I would have found this forum before last Monday, my first thread would have been much like yours - I would have been asking why he couldn't stop, especially since we had so much going for us and there was nothing wrong with our relationship, except for the fact that he had let everything go and was drinking all day long - he was at rock bottom, and I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore. We had an argument and he left, and went and checked into detox, and just left today to go to into treatment for 3 months. What I've learned is that no matter how much I wanted him to stop drinking, HE had to make the decision, and when he hit rock bottom, and knew that I wasn't going to enable him anymore, he did it. It wasn't his first time either.

So what I would suggest is to encourage your girlfriend to stop drinking, encourage her to get help, don't let her drink in your presence, and don't buy it for her. Save yourself some pain.

Bernadette

Heya BeyondConfused--

welcome and (((hugs)))

This quote literally brought tears to my eyes:

"I just get so hurt and confused by her actions. Nothing in me wants to leave her, but everything in me wants my old girlfriend back.. I want to be treated like I used to be.."

An alcoholic in active addiction will progressively resemble An Alcoholic in Active Addiction - and not our loved ones anymore. And searching for your "former girlfriend" in this new evolving creature will lead to nothing but heartache.

I've "lost" 3 brothers to this disease - yeah sure occasionally I get a glimpse of an "old bro" and I appreciate it when I see it but but I don't look for it anymore, and as their disease progresses (which it always does!) those glimpses become very rare. Now I deal with them exactly as they are. I do my best to live in REALITY! I know now that even if they get into sobriety/recovery they will be completely different people anyway, because what they are dealing with is SO serious.

You mentioned AlAnon- can you give it a try? There is no pressure, you can just sit and listen - meetings are all different and have different vibes - but in general they are a great place to begin your education and understanding of how to let go of the addict and help YOURSELF.

This forum is a godsend as well. The more you read and educate yourself about this disease the better able you will be to stay healthy and save yourself (the only person you can ever save!) from a lot of misery....

Peace,
B.

BeyondConfused

Thanks everyone for all your posts.

I guess what I need to do is start going to Al-Anon meetings. I wish I had people here, where I'm living, to go with me... to help me be stronger...

I know I can do it though, and I will do it, because I do love her. It is unreal how much I do love her. I honestly never knew I was capable of something like this.

Thanks again to everyone.. I've been talking with another friend, who has suggested books, and other things, so hopefully those will help too. Thanks to all of you.. I'm very glad I joined SR!

triciafawn

I didn't want to go by myself either, but I did. i looked up the website, found one near me (they are everyday!) and went! I was 10 minutes late finding the place but went in anyway, and I'm glad I did, although I was overwhelmed because so many people were there. I went to another one on Saturday and plan on going at least twice a week. I'm doing it for my own sanity. and you should do it for yours. go be around people that understand your situation, because if you are like me, none of my friends or my family members understand cuz they have never been where I am.

Barbara52

Those are important words to highlight. Do you love ther real her, the one who is causing the problems? Or is it that you love the fantasy woman who doesn't seem to exist?

AskingWhy

I know this sounds cold...but I really think that one of the criteria I'll have when I start dating again, whenever that will be...if ever,is that I want nothing to do with anyone who has a drinking problem. It's much easier to run early on than to get involved and then try to fix the problem or run later. Having been through this experience I'm by no means a professional, but I certainly hope that next time I'll see the signs and not ignore the red flags. I'd rather hurt a little bit by ending a relationship early rather than hurt a lot by going through a relationship where I'll never be loved as much as the bottle.