Lost....
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 47
Lost.... Hey all,
I was in a bad car accident a many years ago and really screwed up my back and neck, and was also diagnosed with many other things, like fibromyalgia, borderline personality disorder, and adhd.
After years of pain, finding docs who would not give me narcotics, only
epidural shots, trigger point shots, and a few vic's here and there,
my search was on for a pain management doc who would give me something real for pain, knowing I was a full blown addict. I heard through the grapevine a new one was close. Imagine my excitement at the time...sick I know. I made my first appt....he gave me 30 mg of ms contin and percocet 10's for breakthrough pain, soma, klonopin, restoril, lexapro, or whatever I needed to help sciatica flare ups. I was hooked immediately. I am also addicted to marijuana and crack.
at one point I was taking up to 180 mgs or more of ms contin and up to 10 perc's a day.
2 years later,
I am now down to 30 mgs of ms contin a day and taking norco 10's for breakthrough pain. I have never taken as prescribed until now. I feel so lost and empty inside, like their is no hope for me, I often feel suicidal, however my religious beliefs stop the feelings,I treat the people who love me the most like crap, I dont care about my housework, and pretty much lay on the couch all day or should I say pity pot? I know the ms contin has a lot to do with the laziness.
I have been in recovery and rehabs many times and discoverd many things I didnt know about myself and learned a lot about recovery, but threw it all out the window when I came home. I know what I need to do to get clean, its taking that first step thats the hardest, as Im sure all of you know that.
I hope I can get some help here, I dont believe rehab is the answer, for I have learned all one can, I just need to start practicing it!
Im not ashamed to tell all of you that sexual abuse and other family members addicted to drugs and alcohol is a big part of my past, and I have so much anger and bitterness in my heart, and dont quite know what to do about that, family tells me "It is what it is" so let it go! easier said than done. I have dreams about it almost every night and it consumes me.
thanks for listening
tangerine
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Hello tangerine and welcome to SR
We never stop learning. There is always more to learn. Acceptance of what we learn and putting it to use will open the door for even more learning.
When you want the better life, you will make he choices to put what you know into action.
You speak of religious beliefs.
My religious beliefs tell me I need forgive ohers as I have been forgiven.
The hurt and pain you have inside from the past will remain untill you start to work on finding forgiveness for others. We don't forgive others to let them off the hook, we forgive others and find it takes the pain out of our life.
Counseling may be an option you could try as well. With the help of another, we can find answers lot faster.
We never stop learning. There is always more to learn. Acceptance of what we learn and putting it to use will open the door for even more learning.
When you want the better life, you will make he choices to put what you know into action.
You speak of religious beliefs.
My religious beliefs tell me I need forgive ohers as I have been forgiven.
The hurt and pain you have inside from the past will remain untill you start to work on finding forgiveness for others. We don't forgive others to let them off the hook, we forgive others and find it takes the pain out of our life.
Counseling may be an option you could try as well. With the help of another, we can find answers lot faster.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,475
Hi Tangerine,
There is ALWAYS hope!
It sounds like you know what you need to do. Letting go of the pain from the past is really hard and can be a slow process, but you need to do it for yourself and your peace of mind. I suspect, as you said, that your lack of motivation will improve when you get off the drugs.
I know that chronic pain is hugely difficult to live with and it's something that's hard for people to understand. I have fibromyalgia too and the pain, depression and insomnia that came along with it had a big part in my starting to drink. Of course, that just made everything worse. If you ever want to talk about fibro, just PM me.
There is ALWAYS hope!
It sounds like you know what you need to do. Letting go of the pain from the past is really hard and can be a slow process, but you need to do it for yourself and your peace of mind. I suspect, as you said, that your lack of motivation will improve when you get off the drugs.
I know that chronic pain is hugely difficult to live with and it's something that's hard for people to understand. I have fibromyalgia too and the pain, depression and insomnia that came along with it had a big part in my starting to drink. Of course, that just made everything worse. If you ever want to talk about fibro, just PM me.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 47
Thank You both best and anna, I agree I have so much more to learn. I have been to counseling many times, but quit when it got too painful, thats natural I know that....but I cannot quit this time, because I really have no clue how to forgive the f*****g scum who took my innocence when I was nine. I just want to spit on her and tell her what a peice of s**t she is.
I start pt next monday, and made an appt with the social worker. My insurance only covers 30% of mental health, and with my budget I cant afford that, so im praying she can help with some of my issues!
thanks again,
tangerine13
I start pt next monday, and made an appt with the social worker. My insurance only covers 30% of mental health, and with my budget I cant afford that, so im praying she can help with some of my issues!
thanks again,
tangerine13
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
