Hevyn

Went up to Boston for a funeral, dear aunt on husband's side of family. Dismal weather, mournful graveside service complete with bagpipers. After church service, reception in church basement - tea sandwiches & eclairs - so far, so good. Leaving funeral luncheon, husband says, "My cousins want to meet in the hotel bar, do some catching up - would you be ok with that?" (TRAPPED!) Me: "Sure" (with sinking feeling in stomach.) Now here's the deal, and why we often fail to make it through. Despite our best efforts to stay away from tempting situations, we're going to be faced with them many times, the rest of our lives. I had three choices. I could've said, "No! I don't want to meet your cousins that you always talk about and join the rest of the family-I'll just stay in the room." I could go & drink, or go & not drink. Poor me, I've denied myself many things I used to enjoy, just to stay safe - but this was a tough one. In the car on the way to the hotel I convinced myself I could go & have just a glass of wine or two. For a moment, an actual battle in my brain, the two sides of me fighting it out. My evil twin lost - this time. In the bar, looking at old family photos - I drank my diet coke and looked around. Everyone sipped a glass of wine, a martini, a beer....being sober, I was able to observe them all. No one slurred or acted obnoxious. With tears in my eyes I said to myself - it's so nice they can do that, but it's not for me - not now, not ever - and yet, there was that moment in the car......

Astro

Thank you for sharing that Hevyn, I'm grateful to know that I'm not the only one who has those thoughts. Guess I'm not so unique after all!

But as I share often, what usually stops me is knowing that I can never safely drink again, and knowing without a doubt that taking a drink will never be an improvement over the life I have in recovery.

wandering

I am worried that I won't be able to hang out with my friends because they will want to go to bars/shows or whatever and I will be tempted to drink.

I'm getting ahead of myself here, but I am worried about these things.

Sounds like it was tough, but you did the right thing!

tkdan

I used to fing myself getting mad because I could not drink like others. I would feel sorry for myself. I would ask myself why me. I would wallow in self pity. Thankfully those thought are far and few between. Good for you for thinking it through. You did the right thing. Thanks for the reminder of how this disease deceives us if we let it.

Anna

Hi Hevyn,

Good for you!

I found myself in situations like that, and usually, once I got my first Diet coke and started chatting with people, I'd forget about the alcohol and start relaxing a bit and enjoying myself.

Each time you get through a situation like that, it is a victory.

warrens

Hevyn

Whew! You scared me about half way through your post.

I think you handled it well. The way I would have. It wouldn't work for many others, though. Sitting in a bar, that is. I just don't happen to have a problem with it. I don't have a problem with M'lady enjoying her vodka in the evening. That's just me.

I was thinking yesterday about what I do fear. I fear a pleasure vacation with M'lady. Nice hotel, nice bar. I'm not sure why. But I do.

I think it is wise to know what our triggers are. What we can handle and what we can't. And not to cross those bounds. And let your husband know what you think those bounds might be so you aren't "ambushed" in front of others.

You did well. Your "rational" brain came through. Give yourself credit and gain confidence from it. But I think you may need to "plan" with husband. I know I will before M'lady and I vacation next.

Well done!

warren

gravity

Hi Hevyn,

I know that feeling all too well. At first, I found these instances frustrating - will I ever be able to get through these situations without craving alcohol? The fact is that you did get through it without a drink. It will strengthen your sobriety and it will get better in the future.

I personally find these situations to be one of the more evil aspects of alcoholism - grief & loss as a relapse trigger. I really am so proud of you. Thank you for sharing your strength. D

Dee74

hey Hevyn

I gotta admit bars and such unnerved me a bit for a looooooong time...but the good news is it became second nature to be in those situations when they happened -and not to drink...

it became almost like a badge of honour, really.

I'm not the same person I used to be - and neither are you.

As long as we're working to change and better ourselves - taking that little space that we used to fill with alcohol and filling it with good and better stuff - and as long as we 'play the tape' of our past disasters through, and remember we have an allergy to alcohol that will never get better, we'll be fine

Both you and I know now there's no reason - ever - that's good enough to drink and send us back there, least of all that 'everyone else is doing it'...we're better than that now

D

Jomey

Good job sweetie! I am really proud of you - that must have been really hard for you. Thanks for sharing! Love, J

mle-sober

Hevyn,

You scared me too. I thought for sure you were going to write that you drank and now you feel terrible shame and the cravings have started and you drank the next morning secretely getting a screwdriver instead of orange juice and now all your sobriety is out the door and maybe who gives a **** any way and you won't be posting here any more!

Okay - I exagerate. But you did scare me. I'm so glad you didn't drink.

I feel a lot of sadness for those of who are still drinking or for each of us when we have to face that demon down again. Each time, if feels like a separate battle that can win or lose the war. And I guess it is.

I completely still struggle with being around alcohol. I take solace in alcoholics who have more sobriety under their belts and tell me that it gets better that way.

Good for you. Good for you.

Jules62

You did amazingly well.I'm really proud of you.Those situations are tough-but you came through.Well done!

Jules xox

c8spencer

thanks for the share! So, instead of catching up and talking to the family, it sounds as if you were obsessing about; to drink or not to drink; that was what seemed to dominate the thinking process.

page 101-102 big book "our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reasonfor being there. ... be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good. Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. think of what you can bring to it. but if you are shaky, you had better work with another...instead!"

least

Your post touched me deeply. I will remember your words of wisdom every time I am tempted to drink. "it's not for me, not now, not ever." That will be my 'mantra', I will say it over and over until it's embedded in my conscious and unconsicious mind. Thank you for posting.:ghug3

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Glad that you made it through that one Hevyn.

Big hugs

Impurrfect

(((Hevyn)))

I'm so proud of you!!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

resentful wife

I'm glad the "EVIL TWIN" lost. Your doing so great, keep it going!

Hevyn

I was doing a rough draft of my thread on the New Jersey Turnpike & my husband said, "I wish you would tell the group thank you from me". In the 7 yrs. since we met, he's seen me in the heat of battle with this disease, seen me in de-tox, & driven me back & forth to the classes I had to do for my DUI's - but he's never seen anything like the transformation I've undergone since stumbling upon SR one day.

warrens

Hevyn

And I hope you will tell him that we appreciate that kind of feedback more than he can know. It is positive and welcome. It shows that the power of an obscure website for and by drunks can effect quite a change in the world. Very quietly without much fanfare or with many really knowing. So it is good when someone who is not an addict realizes this and comments.

To paraphrase Charlie Brown, "Being a recovering addict is like peeing in a navy blue suit-no one else knows, but you get a nice warm feeling all over."

warren

tennis71

Thank you - it is very encouraging to see stories like this and I am glad your husband supports you in his actions and words.

MagicMan08

you have a very understanding husband Hevyn....i pushed my significant other a bit too far....but I have to live with it now.

I have definitely need to remind myself to avoid sticky places unless I have a strong foundation there with me, or am strong with my recovery. But it is a fact of the matter that I do crave when I am at places like you were....

I remember myself obsessing over like cigs when I was younger and figuring out how i could find some....it almost seems like a craving for alcohol now....interesting how that works