New to Forum - Angry and Sad - son in jail

Old 04-07-2008, 08:21 AM
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New to Forum - Angry and Sad - son in jail

Hi everyone - this is my first post on this website. For the past week or so I have been reading different post on this site and I must say that I find many of them inspirational. Reading "What Addicts Do" and "Let Them Fall" reaffirms my belief that the only option for my son, who has been a drug addict for some time, is that he must go to jail.
My son was a difficult child to raise starting in early adolescence. During his teen years he was always getting into trouble (nothing serious) and constantly stretching rules and boundries set by us, his teachers and even authorities. We tried to get him help but he always rebelled and finally by the time he graduated from HS we were exhausted by our efforts.
I'm not sure when he starting using drugs - probably in his late teens. I could write volumes on his behaivor. Don't get me wrong despite what I am writing he does have some great qualities (when he isn't high). To make a real long story short in 03 (he was 23) we knew he was addicted to pain killers (he got them from a doctor after injuring his shoulder) and we got him help. We thought he was going to change he decided to go back to school - on his own and we thought he was finally seeing the light. My husband went into his room looking for a pair his socks that he thought got mixed up in our sons laundry and found used baggies of heroin and needles. We confronted him - we asked him not to bring a certain person who we knew was an addict into our house. He didn't listen to us - and while he was high and with this "friend" he accidently backed into our older sons car. Extremely angry and sick of everything we threw him out of the house. We thought "tough love" would change him.
In Jan 04 he broke into our house and stole 7 of my husbands guns - he did this to suppot his habit. We called the police and he was arrested. We didn't want him to go to jail and it seemed that he sincerely wanted to change after the arrest. He worked with the ATF - helped them bust 5 local drug dealers. In Feb 06 he appeared in court (flunked a drug test the first time he appeared before the judge and spent a week in the county jail). He got 5 years of probation. We thought that being on probation he would be mandated to rehab and behave to randomly drug tested and prove that he was changing his lifestyle. Well probation did nothing - after a while he figured he beat the system and continued on his way. (BTW we did forgive him for all of this and for stealing money, jewlery and other valuables from us through the years - but we wouldn't let him move back into our house.)
In Sept 06 he came to us (very convincing and sincere) wanting to change his life. He was living with a girl - who is the poster child of enablers - she doesn't use drugs but her father was a drug/ETOH abuser. We allowed him to move in with us and he went to a 30 day rehab. After rehab he seemed better going to NA meetings getting a sponsor. We supported him, got him a used car and he finally got a job. For a couple of months everything seemed okay but by Jan 07 we knew he was back on drugs. I found my prescription of Klonipin missing and we knew by his behaivor things were bad. He moved back with the gf - went to rehab again in Sept 07 but he never really changed anything afte that rehab stint. He has never had a job more than a month or two. Didn't go to NA meetings and spent most of his day going to the methodone clinic and buying (legally or illegally we don't know). Last Christmas he told my husband he was off of the methodone - which we now know was a lie - one of the many lies that he has told us over the years.
A couple of weekends ago his gf called us she was afraid he was going to overdose on Xanax. He again lost another job (stealing DVD's from a store he cleaned at night) - and she said that they didn't have any money - he blew his last paycheck on drugs. We filed a 302 commitment on him (they only kept him for 4 days) and we start calling the probation department. While he was in the hospital he called my husband a couple of times and threatened to kill him and burn the house down. He was extremely angry because we stopped him from abusing the Xanax like he wanted.
The legal system reissued an arrest warrant - he is now in jail and will probably have to be there for some time. The person who issued the arrest warrant told me (while I was crying on the phone) "would you rather visit him in jail or at his grave."
He is now 27 - he has alienated his friends, his brother and sister and put us through H*LL for many many years. His 10 year graduation reunion is being planned for this July near our house - I see the announcement when I drive by. He has wasted so many years of his life and it makes me both sad and very angry at him. He has had so many chances yet he never has changed - he has never hit his own personal rock bottom.

Sorry for the long post - how am I going to deal with the possibility of a long jail term and will he ever change?

Maria
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Old 04-07-2008, 08:51 AM
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Welcome Maria. I wish I had something to say to make it all better. This disease is heart-breaking.

Since you've been reading around, you know that face to face meetings are usually suggested, and those of us that go find them extremely helpful and a lifeline. Have you gone yourself or looked into them?

There will be other parents along I'm sure who have experienced what you're going through and will have some helpful words.

Hugs to you, stick around, this is a wonderful place!
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Old 04-07-2008, 09:30 AM
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No neither my husband and I have gone to an naranon or alanon meeting. I know you are right but at this point I haven't had the energy to actually go to meeting and talk about.
When we first found out about the herion I went to a therapist for a few years and found that helpful. I felt strong and tried to stay avoid getting involved with his problems - although he always manage to drag us back to some degree.
We went one meeting a couple of years ago. I got very depressed because most of the people there had been struggling for years with their love ones addiction.
My cousin - who died at the age of 45 from complication related to years of chronic drug/etoh abuse put my aunt and uncle through living h*ll. They tried everything to help him but nothing ever changed.
I guess my biggest fear is that my life will be defined by my son's addiction. I know many of you are going through the same thing and I admire your determination.
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Old 04-07-2008, 09:47 AM
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Hello Maria:

Well, your son has not bottomed out yet. The question is, have you?

If you have, then get into Alanon or Naranon or both. You'll learn that addiction exists and flourishes in proximity to enablers. The bad news is that you have been that enabler. The good news is, you can learn how to detach with love to the point where you have huge influence (after all, you're his mom!). That guy is right - your son is in jail so there is hope. There is no hope for a dead man.

Hang in there. You've started the journey at the right place. You have your task before you.
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Old 04-07-2008, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by sojourner View Post
Hello Maria:

Well, your son has not bottomed out yet. The question is, have you?
Thank you! I never had any pose this question to me! I have never thought that I needed to hit bottom. I always thought that it was my son who had to hit bottom - but I never occurred to me that I had to do the same.'

Maria
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:04 AM
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I think you'll find that alot of what your son is going through, you are too, therefore, you need as much help as he does. The 12 step program can be applied to everyone for anything, in fact if everyone followed the 12 step program this would be a wonderful world.

good luck
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:07 AM
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well, the you've just taken the first step of the journey. Many of us here existing alongside drug/alcohol users have hit our own personal bottoms in realizing this thing was bigger than us. Usually in life we find ways to resolve problems. In fact, it's called "parenting" when it is our kids. But drug/alcohol use is different. It is bigger than our usual (and quite adequate) ways of dealing with things.

Go to meetings. Come here. Read these forums and the books suggested. You have your homework to do.
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:21 AM
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((Marial))

The moms on here are some of the most wonderful people you will ever meet. They will have first hand experience better than I, sometimes it just astounds me what they go through and how they handle it.

I just wanted to give you a Hug, and let you know, you are in my prayers.

B
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:25 AM
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Maria,
Most of my enabling actions, which actually supported his drug use....I did to make myself feel better & less afraid for him. I actually thought that my taking care of his needs might make him want to stop using and live a normal life.

That didn't work out too well. He got worse and I got worse too. Once the consequences fell on him....he became more than ready to change his life.

He's clean now (2 years) and never wants to go back.

It wasn't always easy, but I learned how to live better by going to Alanon and coming here to SR.

Our lives became more peaceful even while he was still active in his disease, and what I learn about myself by going to Alanon helps me in more ways than I can count.
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:42 AM
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another mom of an addict son here. i am sorry for you & your son. my son has been an addict since before he was 23. at 23 he was serving his first term in prison due to drugs. he will be 38 this month & still doing the same things. he has been in & out of prison, more in than out since he was 23.he is going to court yet again wed. & it is a wait & see game of what will happen to him.he could be tried as a habitul felon & can get 18 yr. this site has saved my sanity. it is depressing to hear so many horror stories of what the addicts do & what can happen to them. that is why u need meetings & this site. face it, it can happen to your son if he does not want the help & does not think he needs it.here we learn to take care of ourselves. my son was not raised to do the things he does. i used to wonder what i did wrong with him. here i finally realized the 3 c's,
i did not CAUSE it, i can not CONTROL it & i can not CURE it. this is my sons (& your sons) problem.they are the only one who can fix it. you have no control. i say a prayer for my son every morning & then turn him over to my H.P. welcome to S.R. we r here for you. please keep coming back. my prayers are for you & him both. hugs,
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Old 04-07-2008, 11:17 AM
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Hi there, welcome...One more mom of addicts who has been working on taking care of myself and letting my child find her own way. Coming here and going to Naranon; reading daily literature, working my steps...it's all helped me to find a much better way of life.

No neither my husband and I have gone to an naranon or alanon meeting. I know you are right but at this point I haven't had the energy to actually go to meeting and talk about.
You don't have to say a word...ever, if you don't want to. Just go and listen. If you find a meeting with folks who have been in the program awhile, you will find that there is little focus on addiction...It's all about taking care of ourselves. The thing that amazed me the first time I walked into my home group was how much laughter there was. How could these people experience addiction in a loved one and still laugh? But as I worked my own recovery, I found laughter too. Hugs
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Old 04-07-2008, 11:27 AM
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I have an addict Ex husband and I am going thru what you are going thru. This weekend I found out that I can not control him or his actions, my x has been in and out of jail, prison once since he was 18 and he is going to be 45 this month. He was recovering in a State runned house. He has been in rehab 8 different times for Meth. He can only stay clean for a very short time. He is looking at possible a 10 yr stratch this time. He is still out on the streets but the warrents will start coming because he is using again. Do not worry about your son,he will be fine. Until he hits is bottom he will never change. Who knows he might not want to change, everyone is different.

What are going to do for you and getting the help you need to heal yourself. It has taken me 18 years to finially start getting the help I needed to start healing me. Do not wait that long.
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Old 04-07-2008, 03:14 PM
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Welcome from mom of 23 yr old AS.
I've met many parents through my al-anon parent's group. Death, jail, insanity or recovery are the options for out adult addicted children. One of my best friends that I met through this group 5 yrs. ago has a son who has been in and out of jail + prison numerous times. She accepts this and knows when he is "in" that he is safe, fed and off meth. When he is in and they talk on the phone, she is having a relationship with her son and not the addict. Her son is 37 and has been sober for a yr. It takes what it takes.
Most addicts rack up legal problems and many only change after jail.
Don't focus on "how am I going to deal with the possibility of a long jail term" because this may well be the intervention that is necessary.
If there is a Parent's focus Al-anon group near you, it could be beneficial. It has been a blessing for me and I've made some wonderful friends there. Being able to talk about stuff and work the 12 steps through this program has changed me in many ways. When I focused on myself, change became possible for the only one I could change, myself.

My son just completed 6 weeks of a yr. program. There is hope. We all come to recovery on our own timeline.
Please stick around to share with us.
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Old 04-07-2008, 03:25 PM
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Thank you everyone for your support. I know in my heart that I can't control what my son will do and now I have to leave it in God's hands. For years my husband I have been waiting for him to change hoping that he will "learn his lesson" from each mistake he has made. But it has never happened.
It really is so sad to see someone you love ruin their life and continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. He so emotionally stunted - when we talked it is almost like I am talking to a teenager instead of a 27 year old man. What makes it so sad is to see people he went to school with living their lives like responsible adults as he sinks deeper and deeper into his addiction.
You guys are great - I'm so glad I found this website.

Maria
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Old 04-07-2008, 03:31 PM
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Marie - when I read your post it was almost just like reading the story of MY AS...so many similarities, my son is now in jail as well waiting for sentencing, I think he will be in there a couple more months than 99% sure he will be going to prison for a year or two. It's exasperating everything these kids put up through, but you are in a great place to learn how to cope. Good luck with your son, I'll send some prayers your way for you and your whole family, your son of course included :-))
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Old 04-07-2008, 04:17 PM
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(((maria)))
Welcome to Sober Recovery, this is a wonderful place you've stumbled upon, and I'm so glad you found us!


I am the mother of 2 addict sons, one is 29, the other 34. The youngest is sober, the oldest...not so sober, and probably going to prison again...shortly. This will be his 3rd or 4th time, I seem to have lost count.


IMO, we have to let them assume the responsibility of their actions. For a LONG time, I enabled both of my sons by coughing up bail, bond money, and giving them money, among other enabling stuff. Little did I realize I was buying their drugs for them!
(I was really good at it! )

If your son should go to jail, well...it's right where his Higher Power wants him o be. He'll have plenty of time to think about the course his life is taking, and he'll be fed, warm and dry.

May I suggest Alanon meetings for you? Believe me when I say those meetings saved my sanity!

Hugs,
and keep posting, we're all here for you...

Hold on, it's all going to be okay.
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Old 04-07-2008, 05:15 PM
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Welcome Mariel.

I'm the mom of a 23 yo AS who was just sentenced to prison. He has been bailed out many times in the past and had probation (I agree they drop the ball on requiring treatment!) While he was in jail awaiting sentencing the last few months, we have had some of the best conversations of long time. Most likely because he is finally sober! One thing he told me is that he is relieved to take responsibility and pay for his behavior, as he had been rescued and gotten off easy so many times.

So, maybe this is the road he needed to travel to get to the place of recovery? Only time will tell. I also have known parents who have struggled their whole lives with children who never get sober. I choose not to focus on that, trying to live in the moment. I also choose not to live in misery over my son's path in life. Most days, I can live up to that choice.

Wishing you the best. Read as much as you can, and I also recommend NarAnon/AlAnon. It saved my life when I was at my darkest point.

Hugs,
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