daisylady

First of all, I have missed you all.. It is good to be back, but sad to be back too. So, it has probably been over a year since I last posted on this site. I think last time I was on this site (2007) I had moved out of my house and my AH was in rehab and doing well. When he got out of rehab last year and had some clean time I moved back in. He made it about 7-8 months, started smoking pot and lasted for about three months with pot and then went back to narcotics.

He went to rehab again last month and now he is home and I feel like our life is still chaos. We are constantly arguing and fighting and I find myself wanting to go to work to get away from him. He is always angry and depressed. He says his crazy behavior is because of Klonopin withdrawal (he was also on that before he went to rehab and cut himself off cold turkey). I have heard withdrawal from Klonopin is not fun and can make you have anything from hallucinations to suicide attempts... and both of these side effects have occurred. He is always mad at me for something... talking to too many people about my problems, spreading his business around, asking too many questions, not trusting him, blah blah blah. It is all addict behavior but he says he is not using? I just don't know what to do anymore. Part of me just wants to save some money and run away from here. I am so sick of the insanity that has become my life. Another part of me wants to try to stay and work it out. I am also afraid that he will kill himself if I leave and I know it is codependent to think that way, but how do I live with myself if that does happen?

I pray everyday for guidance from my higher power and I am trying to stay positive and focused on me.. but it is so incredibly hard. Thanks for listening!

Bravery

That's the crux of the whole dilemma. I feel it too, every time. I'm sending you positive thoughts and I hope you can stay strong to make the right decision for yourself and your AH. :ghug2

funkzter

Hi daisylady,

i've already just recently came back to SR after one year of absence. No matter what, SR remains SR and is as welcoming as ever
But you're right, it's also a bit sad 'cos the main reason for us being here means we need to be here, which means life is not smooth! Anyway, welcome back and hang in there.
I'm sorry for the chaos in your life and hope you'll see clearer on the decision to make. Take your time to make your decision. Once you're ready you'll know it.

xo
Carine

imallright

Daisy.... I am sorry things are upside down in your world right now. I've been there with an AH who threatened to kill himself if I left. It along with other not so healthy things kept me here for a long time. Finally, I found a counselor who helped me find the strength to stand up for me and what I wanted. She told me, "if he threatens to kill himself or if you in anyway feel threatened, calmly tell him that you are going to call 911 and do it, if you really feel the threat." Last time it started, I said those words and he stopped. He very quickly said, "I am not going to kill myself, I just don't know what to do." It was manipulation. Scared the bejeepers out of me, but I was strong.

Take care of YOU! Think about what you need and if you are getting it in this situation. Think about who you can reach out to for help and support. Then, reach and get that help. Keep coming back here... we are here and we will listen.

BayAreaPhoenix

Good advice it sounds like Imallright's counselor gave her.

It seems harder when you've opened yourself back up, to try again, and then get kicked in the stomache when you least expect it. Heartbreaking, even when we know it could happen, it's still a surprise, no matter how much we "know".

You have the tools and knowledge, you know how to do what you need to do for you it sounds like. Time for you and yourself for strength and courage.

(((hugs)))

frankly

((daiseylady))

What are you getting out of this relationship? Besides stress. If you aren't physically sick yet, you probably will be soon. The headaches, the bone tired weariness, the immune system working less and less, picking up every bug you come in contact with, the depression, dreading the next day. Have you experienced any of these?

If you were told, that you only had a short time left to live, what would you do different about your life and circumstances? What would you change?

If you and your partner were starving, near death, and you each had some small amount of food left, your partner starts eating his but doesn't like the taste and spits it out, are you going to give him yours while you try to scrape togeather what he disgarded?

I don't mean for these questions to be hard or gross. Just trying to get you to think about yourself. Life is too short to loose even one day of happiness, one day without an overwhelming stress. We never know how many of them we have.

My advice to you, isn't weather or not to leave him behind, my advice is to take just one day, make that day all about you, a little mini-vacation of sorts, put all of your worries about him and your life with him, aside. Just for one day get away from all of it. Enjoy that one day like it was your last, then sit down and really thing about what you want and how to go about getting it. The worst that can happen, is you have one wonderful day. The best that can happen, is that you want more days like that.

You deserve days like that.

Hugs and Prayers
B

hope213

((((daisylady)))) i know who you are & i remember you well. i am sorry to hear your h's. soberity did not last. there are still miracles & you just may have yours yet. i can not tell you to leave or stay,that is up to you. what i can tell you & you know this is none of this is your fault, no matter what he CHOOSES"to do. he will stay clean & he WILL live if he is living with you or not it will be his choice.how did he treat you when he was clean? i missed you & i am sorry you are going thru this again.keep coming back & as always we r here for you. prayers for you, him & the family.

imallright

Just the reminder I needed at this moment, Anvil. It's his work... I am working on me. If he doesn't want or need to work on him... so be it. Thanks!