Am I overreacting?

Old 04-06-2008, 11:44 AM
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Am I overreacting?

Hi, I'm new. I posted yesterday but gremlins must have eaten it. I've been wondering something for a while, or maybe worrying about something would be a better way of putting it. I've been married for 15 years, we have two elementary age children. My husband is extremely successful in his field and very well respected and liked at both work and in the community/neighborhood. (which I think kind of makes things more difficult, if that makes any sense). He also drinks every night after he gets home from work or whatever activity he might have, up until the time he goes to bed.

When we first married he had a tobacco habit that he quit after a doctor scared him to death. He drank pretty much what I would consider normally for a young person - weekends and sometimes during the week - I would join him sometimes. As the years wore on it picked up some. Once in a while he would remark that he was going to cut back to just weekend drinking again, which he would, for a while. For the past few years it's been daily again, with no mentions of cutting back. The amount has also increased from a "few" to maybe a 6-pack or more. The reason he gives for drinking has always been because he loves the taste of beer. Lately, however, he's been buying and mixing in Mike's Hard Lemonade so that he's maybe drinking three of those along with three beers. This is very out of character as he always made fun of those type drinks. I looked on the side of the bottle and they have a higher alcohol content than his beer does. He usually drinks a bit more on the weekend and even more at parties.

If we go somewhere where we can't drink (he won't drink then drive), and get home very late, he still has to have his alcohol before going to bed. This has resulted in some interesting manipulations on his part. I'll say I'm tired, it's midnight and I want to go to bed, and he's begging me to stay up and watch a show with him, just a short one. I know perfectly well what he wants to do, and sure enough he downs several beers or whatever fairly quickly. Once when for some bizarre reason we didn't have any beer in the house on a Sunday (I think this has only happened once) he actually opened a bottle of wine - this was so strange to me I had to comment on it. We keep some wine bottles for company but he is NOT a wine drinker and has said he dislikes the taste. He just laughed and said he was going to try something different. "why not?" he said.

I have never been much of a drinker but as a result of his drinking behavior I have stopped drinking altogether. It's like the more he drinks the less I want to have anything to do with it. And he keeps trying to get me interested in drinking with him. I have just become so turned off to it, and unfortunately to him in the process. I wish I could change that, but right now I can't, and it's starting to be a problem. I think it's maybe because he doesn't/won't admit he has any problem at all. He'll sit there and drink and start falling asleep during tv shows and he has a terrible enough memory as it is but it's getting worse. He sleeps horribly, has terrible apnea that surgery and a C-PAP don't have much under control. And all that beer/carbs have added so much weight to his stomach (like maybe 50lbs) and I know that is not healthy, in spite of his daily exercise. I feel like he's a ticking time bomb.

As a result of some of my feelings I started with a counselor a few months ago. We've talked a lot about my husband's anger management problems and how I can learn to deal with things from my perspective. It was only last week that I got up the courage to mention my husband's drinking! The counselor does feel like he has a problem. Of course it's all complicated, it always is. My husband has a sister-in-law who is a drug addict-always has been since age 14 and who lost her children for a while because of it. Husband has always called her horrible names because of it and held himself up so much higher. I can't imagine that he would EVER allow himself to be seen as an addict of any sort himself. EVER. The counselor also told me to not mention anything about my husband's drinking to him any more. I'd already stopped doing that. He said he has to hit his own personal rock bottom, whatever that may be, and that nothing I simply say to him will cause him to stop drinking.

Well, I've gone on long enough. The thing is, we have a family church event coming up in a few weeks where we will be away from home for two nights. There is absolutely no alcohol allowed where we're going - I think we may even need to check in any prescription medications we have so that kids don't accidentally get into them in our suitcases. My counselor told me to be careful, that my husband may have a very hard time going two nights without alcohol. I can't remember the last time he went a day without alcohol...even when he's sick he usually manages one or two. Are there things I should be looking for?

Opinions? Am I overreacting?
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Old 04-06-2008, 11:49 AM
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I highly recommend reading some literature on alcoholism and the nature of addiction. It might help explain why he now is drinking what he does - the drinks he used to make fun of. The body craves alcohol. Doesn't really matter where it comes from.

A book I love on this is "Under the Influence." (also Beyond the Influence)

Please keep posting - you are NOT overreacting.

((( )))
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Old 04-06-2008, 12:18 PM
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Hi and welcome,

You are NOT overreacting. What you are describing is classic alcoholic behavior. I especially related to your point that he wants you to drink along with him; this is a tactic often used by alcoholics to ease their own guilt over their problem and to allow them to continue in their denial of their disease (I experienced this for years from the alcoholic in my life, my sister). His body is addicted even if he cannot admit to that fact; that's why he's drinking things he "wouldn't normally drink"--he's addicted and his body is craving it. Furthermore addicts will almost always replace one addiction with another: he was a smoker and when he gave that up, he became a drinker. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh--I don't mean it to sound that way. But from my own experiences he sounds like he is fully dependent on alcohol.

Have you considered Al-Anon? It might give you some perspective. In the meantime keep posting! Everyone here can relate to what you're going through.

Hugs
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Old 04-06-2008, 02:37 PM
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Not at all

One thing you will notice as you learn more about Alcoholism, the stories are nearly the same!! I used to think we were "differnt than other problem drinkers", then I read your story. I thought back to the first time my AW got "mad enough at me" to go to an AA meeting, she came home and dumped out the 2 bottles of wiskey I had for cooking in the house, but not the 3 bottles of Irish cream I had. Never thought much about it, all she ever drank was beer, untill I found the empty bottles while she was in rehab.

There is a progression to this desaise, slow at first but gains in speed as time goes by. My best suggestion to you would be to state you concerns clearly, not in a demanding way. There truly is nothing you can do to force him into seeking help. And start learning all you can about alcoholism now. The more you know the better you'll be able to support him when he gets ready to seek help. And he will need help you can count on that.
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Old 04-06-2008, 03:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Gman813 View Post
The more you know the better you'll be able to support him when he gets ready to seek help. And he will need help you can count on that.
Do you think that as a man and with the very hardcore attitude he has towards others with addictions that he will have a harder time admitting to needing help at all? I certainly get that feeling. It's not like I've never mentioned his drinking before, he just doesn't see it as a problem - he's certainly not shirking his fatherly duties or anything like that, and he would point to things like that if push came to shove I suppose.

I wonder if it makes any difference that he has untreated OCD.

I never even thought about any liquors we might have - I'm sure we have a bottle of Bailey's somewhere, and maybe something else. Yikes. I think they actually have a pretty high alcohol content.

Last edited by ScaredNewbie; 04-06-2008 at 03:33 PM.
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Old 04-06-2008, 05:07 PM
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I spent nearly 5 years "mentioning" her drinking before she truly admitted it to herself. Today in recovery, she has told me that she knew it was a problem even before I "mentioned" it. She too spent some time on a high horse pointing fingers at others with problems, that too is a game played, "I'm not as bad as..." If you look carefully at everything, there are bound to be places where he may not be shirking, but slipping in his "duties" weather it's at home with the family or some other part of his life. Like I said there is a progression, and you will be amazed at how closely your life has followed.

Do both of you some good, even if he doesn’t, look into Al-Anon. Regardless if he ever seeks help, they will help you better handle situations that are bound to come up. Every alcoholic has a bottom, some just fall further than others. Here’s hoping your isn’t too far down.
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Old 04-06-2008, 05:45 PM
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You are not overreacting. Not at all.

And, it's all too typical and too familiar.

Yes, he'll have a very hard time admitting to a problem that he loves to blame others for having. I think they like to point fingers to make themselves feel better. Mine played the "I'm not as bad as so-and-so" game too.

He also, by the way, used mouthwash several times a day until I pointed out that they all have alcohol in them. They truly will do anything to get their fix.

He used to say, "Oh I only had one beer". Well his one beer was really a tall malt liquor, or a pint of whiskey.

I'm afraid it usually gets much much worse before it gets better. They do have to hit their own bottom, and it's typically way lower than you can even imagine.

Have an exit strategy for yourself for this church weekend with no alcohol. Make sure you take care of YOURSELF and your children. Don't try to stop him in his descent, you'll only impede his progress. It HAS to get worse before it can get better.

Keep reading and keep posting! And I'm sorry you're going through this. It stinks.
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Old 04-06-2008, 06:06 PM
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He has a problem. Some days he knows it, but most of the time the addiction that is beginning to take over tells him that he is normal - he is fine - there's nothing to be concerned about.

But you are concerned. You are here. You know the truth, and it is a difficult truth to know.

If it makes you feel any better, I've found that the period of time I spent questioning whether or not there really was a problem was the most painful and difficult portion of my recovery process.

You are not crazy or overreacting (though he may tell you that you are).
Stay strong. You are not alone. Focus on yourself and your children - I found focusing on the addict to be fruitless and frustrating.
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Old 04-06-2008, 06:58 PM
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If his drinkin his causing a problem for him, you , your relationship, his drinking is a problem. The specific label that get attached to it doesn't really matter.

Learn about alcoholism, keep talking to your therapist. Keep coming in here reading and posting.
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Old 04-06-2008, 08:21 PM
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Sorry, Newbie, that you are going through all of this. Big hugs to you.

What you are describing sounds like progression of the disease. My ex, who I didn't know for some time was an alcoholic, gained 50 lbs. (all around the middle) from the start of the time we were dating. He also had a lot of trouble with sleep. He would snore loudly and would never sleep more than a couple of hours at a time. It's horrible to watch, but even more sad when you realize why it's happening.

I would read "under the influence" and "getting them sober." They will give you an understanding of the progression of disease. It will also give you ways to cope. I think your therapist is right in that you should not nag him about the drinking. Let him know it upsets you, but don't make any threats you are not willing to follow through with.

If he's going without alcohol for a couple of days he could start to detox. I wouldn't be shocked to learn later that he his some alcohol somewhere in a suitcase or a coat pocket. I've read this happens A LOT.

Take care of you : )
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Old 04-06-2008, 10:35 PM
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Denny, I use to think you were so black and white! Was there no grey area? YOU are so right about it all! BUT, when we are beginning....we are often still so blindly hopeful. Statistics are not somthing we want to believe, and our cases we want to be different.
Eternal optimists! Life is a whammy really. I am becoming cynical. Hate that....maybe, it is just realistic.
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Old 04-07-2008, 08:40 PM
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Wow...........I could have written your post about 10 or so years ago. I was always told I was "over-reacting",too. Alcoholics don't just "get over it"; sadly,it doesn't even stay at the same level. Without work on their part,it always gets worse. My (now ex)AH is slowly evolving into a person I do not recognize. He is still making a good living (working for the people who bought the company he started) but I get the feeling that things are showing a few cracks.

I'm glad you found this place;it is a life-saver for me. Under the Influence really helped me,and the Getting Them Sober books,too (see Getting Them Sober- Recovery Communications for some preview chapters). I hope you stick around with us.

Learning about alcoholism and also about my choices for myself and our kids has helped me. Reading a post like yours helps me,too.........I still find myself second-guessing myself from time to time,even now (some of us are sicker than others ) It is a slow process,but at least I feel I am headed the right direction.
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Old 04-07-2008, 09:12 PM
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No you are not overreacting. My STBXAH used to drink only beer in the early years, and it gradually increased to wine and then strictly to hard liquor. In fact, in remembering when we went to a weekend for engaged couples for the church we were to get married in he had brought alcohol to the weekend. The signs were all there. What was I thinking???

Make sure you read and read. Please take care of yourself and your kids. You need to be the good example to your kids.
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Old 04-07-2008, 10:27 PM
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Originally Posted by mazey View Post
Denny, I use to think you were so black and white! Was there no grey area? YOU are so right about it all! BUT, when we are beginning....we are often still so blindly hopeful. Statistics are not somthing we want to believe, and our cases we want to be different.
Eternal optimists! Life is a whammy really. I am becoming cynical. Hate that....maybe, it is just realistic.
I KNOW I used to be black and white! Statistics were for others. All along I have shared my ES&H from where I am today. That is all I know - today, this moment.

I can't be cynical - there is too much joy and beauty in the world. I am realistic about addiction, but will always remain hopeful for each and every addict I know.


((( )))
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