imallright

Will someone tell me, one more time, WHY my daughter is angry with me when for deciding not to stay with her Dad with a drug problem!!!!!!! She knows, although she doesn't get it and thinks that because he says he is all done with the DOC that everything should be just fine!

I am sick of being treated like I don't matter, like I am crazy, like a piece of dirt or worse. I am trying to help her deal with all this and all I get is crap! I know I have to set boundaries, but when he's there allowing it to happen and taking her for ice cream and to get a movie when she is talking to me like I am a piece of dirt beneath her feet... it is hard. I am so angry right now. I can't stop crying. I feel like I can't breathe. It's not fair! I know addiction and life aren't fair, but I can't take it any more! I need to ramble so forgive me

Eqlibrium

well im sorry for you being treated like **** i am sure they dont mean to treat you like that, becasue they wouldnt if they knew how it made you feel, maybe you should tyring explaining things to her, that might work, but you must also understand thats it probaly a tough time for her to so she might only know how to take it out on you thought she doesnt mean it, she cant help it

Mertzie

(((imallright)))
I'm here and listening and I understand all the frustration and anger. I know what it is to feel like you're hanging by a thread and still made to feel like you're the one with the problem -- and I don't even have a child's welfare to worry about. It's a little quiet in here right now, so I just wanted to let you know that there's someone out here that feels your pain. I wish I had some advice, but I'm sure others will be along soon with lots of helpful words and suggestions to help your daughter understand. Hugs to you.

WantsOut

In my experience the responsible parent bears the brunt of the children's anger because in some way the child knows that the other parent is not able to handle it.

imallright

My anger is getting the best of me tonight. He might not be able to handle it, but I don't deserve it. I just want her to be ok. I am trying my hardest, but it hurts so bad.

lostnow

I agree with wantsout and I know how you feel. Right before rehab my AH took my kids out for the day, movies, ice cream, chucke cheese, bought the freaking toy store of course my oldest takes the anger out on me. Even with my AH gone he still playing the nice guy telling my youngest I put some money in the bank if your mommy lets you you can go buy a toy.

((Hugs))
It can only get better maybe you could try counseling for you kids. Thats what I'm looking into with my own.

imallright

Hang in there. If you can make, so can I. Glad you were there to talk to me. I know being a Mom isn't easy, but I didn't know it could hurt this much.

lostnow

I know I didn't think being a mom could hurt like it does.It's doesn't easier to raise them either, I think the older they get the harder it gets to raise them.
I'm already dreading the teenage years.

imallright

That's where I am. The are wonderful and awful at the same time. I love them more than anything, but it hurts

Spiritual Seeker

How old is your daughter. A heart to heart conversation may be a start to open communication for both of you to espress sadness over the family dividing.'
Let her know just how it feels for you and maybe she will open up how she is feeling.
Maybe a therapist can help the two of you learn to commun. differently during this difficult time. If you work a recovery program to deal with all of this maybe you can find a different way to be with your daughter that will allow her to be different.
The two of you need ea. other now more than ever.
Sorry to hear about your struggles. It is not easy to be the one to pick up the pieces of your lives.

imallright

She's 14. We have talked and I am have been pretty open with her. I am seeing a counselor and she is talking with her guidance counselor at school. I think we need more though. Thanks for listening.

BayAreaPhoenix

(((Imallright)))


Maybe a little more and/or different counseling for both of you would be a perfect answer. 14 is such a hard age, and girls - especially only daughter's - tend to be "Daddy's little girl". Besides being a teenager (which is difficult under any circumstances to deal with it seems) her anger just might be that her Dad isn't all she thought or hoped he would be. I agree with WantsOut, kids seem to know which parent can handle more. Not that it makes it easier, it's a very hurtful situation right now.

CatsPajamas

Can you take her to an Ala Teen meeting? It might really help for her to talk to other kids whose situations are similar. When a kid is 14 they really want to fit in and be accepted. They are also incredilbly egocentric - they truly believe the world really does revolve around them during this time. One on one counseling might help too.

I'm sorry for what you are going thru. My step daughters had some incredibly difficult years dealing with all of this. I also totally agree with WantsOut - the healthier parent usually gets the brunt of the anger as subconsciously the child knows the other parent can't handle it.

Big hugs
Cats

imallright

I am attempting to get her to some more counseling. She is rebeling big....mostly in my opinion because she doesn't want to have to put the issue out on the table. She's stuffing it and then exploding on me. She is generally very outspoken about most everything. I have always said, "She is going to be a wonderful woman. Strong and confident, but in the meantime......" This whole denial thing is kind of scarey though.

I don't want to "force" her to go to counseling... she is pretty angry when I bring it up, but not sure of the best way to get her there. Thoughts? Oh, BTW, as you might have guessed, AH, is not supporting this .... and of course you probably all know why.... yup, there is nothing wrong with him or her... I am the one who is messed up and needs help, not them!

Impurrfect

(((Imallright)))

I remember when I was young, that my mom and dad were going through a really rough time. Dad bought mom roses, and she was still mad and not speaking to him. Of course, I have no idea what the problem was, but I remember BEGGING my mom to stop being mad.

I have never dealt well with conflict....wanted everyone to be happy, and mom wasn't. I'm sure I got mad at her about it and took my frustration out on her. Any time they would argue, I would panic, thinking they were going to divorce.

Not sure if your daughter is dealing with any of the same issues, but in watching my 14-year-old niece, I try to remember what I was feeling at her age. I really DID think the world revolved around me, and I wanted everyone to be happy, and us to stay together as a family. I thought mom was wrong to be mad, not having clue that whatever had happened, she had a right to be mad. I just didn't care...she was upsetting my perfect family.

If it makes you feel any better, mom and I butted heads a LOT when I was young, especially as a teenager, but she was always my best friend. I took out my teenage frustrations on HER, because she was safe...I knew she would still love me, even when she had to put me back in my place.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I don't know how you can get her into counseling. I know someone who said her dad had to physically put her teenage daughter into a car and take her to counseling...she was furious and wouldn't say anything for the first few sessions....now she absolutely loves it.


Hugs and prayers!

Amy

frankly

Have you ever noticed that when a child gets upset, they tend to take their anger or resentment out on the stable parent? Something I learned a long time ago with my own children. I was told it was actually an honor. That the child subconsciously knows that they are safe displaying those feelings to the stable parent. They will repress them with the other parent because of fears maybe of loosing the one that isn't stable. Loosing their love, their approval. They know, that the stable parent is going to be there for them regardless, so all their effort is placed on the one that isn't stable, in an effort to "win" their continued love and approval.

Extream cases are a big example. An abused child will actually side with the abuser against the non-abusive person. Their problem isn't with the non-abuser, therefor, they actually feel safe in their love, even when they do or say hurtful things. But the abuser, is a different story, they constantly feel like they need to do things to make them loved, or to keep them from leaving, or any variety of things that they fear.

If your daughter is doing these things, even though they hurt, try to take some comfort in the fact that she knows you are the stable one, and will be there for her no matter what. If she doesn't want the counceling, maybe you could go by yourself, if for no other reason than to learn and understand the underlying things that she is experiencing and what tools you can use to help her and yourself.

Hugs and Prayers
B

Done_With_It

Great words said above.

My parents split at a young age, and it was a mess, and it Really screwed with my head big time.

I was often mad at my Mom, the one who raised me mainly, the one who gave up everything, the one who had to go out and find a job, the one who took care of me when I was sick, drove me to the hospital for every bad asthma attack, made me realize I 'could' and 'had' to breath while we were waiting for the car to heat up enough to get to the ER in below zero weather, etc. I could go on and on, but I could get mad at her for anything she did, My world was confusing.

But when my 'Dad' called, I would drop everything, go running to get the call, and my world made sense for just a little bit.

I can only imagine how hard that was for my Mom. She gave up everything for me to have a life, school clothes, etc. but when my Dad gave up a night out to buy me a present..... He was My Hero.... My Mom the bad guy for making me 'eat dinner'.

Kids see the world differently. Try not to take her feelings personal, what she is feeling/doing is pretty normal in my experience.
She loves you, and is trying to make sense of "Her World".

The way parents feel about each other is a direct reflection of how the child feels about themselves. Many studies have been shown that how a parents feels about the childs other parent, is how the child feels about themself.

So if a child thinks one parent hates the other parent, the child internalizes that. I've read a lot about that anyway, how true it is for every child, kid, teen, I do not know, but for me, in my case, the studies fit me to a T.


:ghug3

itisatruth

Hi Imallright, I have been having computer issues so I haven't been on as much as I'd like and I didn't see this post yesterday. Just wanted to say that I hope you are feeling better today, if not...very soon. I don't have a daughter, but I have often heard that moms and teenage daughters butt heads even if they aren't dealing with addiction. Getting her some other counseling besides the guidance counselor at school, will hopefully help her learn more constructive ways to express herself. I hope that's an option she can and will utilize. I do think that she will come to understand what's really going on as far as her dad is concerned. Take a deep breath (or many) and remember you are doing all you can for her, even if she doesn't see it yet.

Chino

To this day I wish I would have forced my daughter into counseling when she was 14-15, instead of the way we handled it. Our home was a war zone. She was like a tinder box ready to go up in flames at any moment and she wasn't dealing with addiction or divorce from us, either.

Now, at the age of 20, she's having to learn normal coping skills on top of dealing with her addiction and recovery.

Ask your counselor for the best way to get her in ASAP. Your sanity, and hers too, depends on it.

bluebelle

Fourteen is a really difficult time. I agree with the others that she is going to take her anger out on the stable parent. She knows that you will be there for her. I would guess that she is desperate for love from her father, and will do her best to try to please him and gain his love. Try not to take it personally. As you make good decisions and try to make your life more stable, she will learn from it. It will be her guide when she is older. Don't let her mistreat you. I raised stepdaughters. They were also very angry. If they crossed the line (yelling, cussing, not following basic rules of the house), they were punished (taken away Internet, phone privileges, etc.). I know that you want to have peace with her, but you give them an inch . . . I agree that the counseling is really important. She might completely hate it, but it may help her in the future. Nobody ever suggested counseling for me, and I wish that they had cared enough to do so. The next 4 years will be very difficult. Cherish any good moments (shared laughs, quality time spent together). She will be thankful that you were there for you and that you stood by her. She will probably have to deal with years of confusion about her issues with her father. Don't take it personally. Oh, another thing. Try to focus on the positive! Try to give her positive reinforcement when she is behaving herself. Reward her with kind words for doing what is right--even if it is something little (like washing a dish!).

I know I'm rambling, but I remember being 14 in a very unstable household. That's probably why I grew up to teach 14-year olds. That was one of the worst years of my life.