New and need advice on how to deal with sister (sorry, very long)
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2
New and need advice on how to deal with sister (sorry, very long)
After 3 years of progressively secretive and confusing behavior, I learned that my sister was addicted to pain meds in August 2007 when she was arrested for prescription fraud. Apparently, after her back surgery (spinal fusion) in 2005, she was never able to get off the meds. My sister and I have been extraordinarily close over the years, literally talking to one another almost daily, and so I was shocked that she'd said nothing to me, particularly when I had hired her to take care of my infant son. Of course, I didn't really want to see anything. I wanted to believe that everything was okay despite the fact that she was taking money from me (I paid her VERY well), was on the defense at all time (if I mentioned that I prefer that she not nap so much on the job, she verbally attacked me) and was (and had been) pretty emotionally and verbally abusive for some time.
Fortunately, my husband had enough of her behavior and terminated her job in May 2007. Always the caretaker, I gave her two weeks' severance pay, paid for a moving truck, made special trips to see her so that she could see my son, etc. And, of course, I always bought her little presents on these visits so that she wouldn't feel so hurt.
After her arrest, I was the only one at the police station and did the only thing that I could think of doing: I gave her a hug. I told her I loved her and that I'd be there for her, etc. She went into an outpatient treatment program that was one of the best in the country for pain management patients. When she was graduated from the program after several weeks, she only had one week sobriety. She asked me to come to her graduation, but I was undergoing infertility treatments and could not leave. So she guilted me into buying her a Cookie Bouquet because she would feel alone otherwise.
Unfortunately, my sister only made friends with other males in her group, started sleeping with one 10 years her junior and was eventually kicked out of the sober living program. As usual, she had me convinced that she was wronged, that they never told her she couldn't see other members. I almost called the director to yell at him!
After she was kicked out, my sister's behavior became even more reckless and hurtful. Two days after going on and on about how destitute my family was (my parents took her in), I found out that she'd stolen my dad's ATM card. Then, she stole my kid brother's credit cards and charged a mani/pedi and hotel room and $75 at a convenience store. When confronted, she told my family that they didn't understand her pain, that she never asked to be so tormented. Then, as usual, she borrowed my mom's car to go see "friends."
Recently, she stole a check from my grandmother, forged it and, when my grandmother prevented my sister from going to jail after the bank called her, she tried to convince my 86-year-old grandmother that she was suffering dementia and must have had another mini-stroke. My grandmother was beside herself. At this point, I let my sister have it and she promised me that she'd detox this time. Again, I told her that I loved her and that I'd be there for her, but I also told her that I wouldn't condone her stealing.
Less than a week after stealing from my grandmother (and despite being in the hospital for two days out of that week due to a kidney infection and then a gall bladder attack), I found out that she stole my mother's ATM card and cleared out her account. This time, when confronted, she responded that, "Well, at least I've been sober for a week." My mother got paid last Wednesday and I found out that her card had been stolen again on Friday.
I am beyond heartbroken at this point and just want nothing more to do with this craziness. I now realize that I have helped to perpetuate the fraud that is my sister's life by continuing to maintain a normal relationship with her. Despite the hurt she's causing, I still maintain contact with her because I don't know how NOT to. Typically, I need for everything in my life to be okay, but this is NOT OKAY. I don't know who this person that my sister has become is and I don't want to know who this person is.
I am currently 5 months pregnant and becoming increasingly depressed over this situation. I've been reading the various threads and I can't figure out if it's okay for me to say I've had enough and stop accepting my sister's calls and prevent her from seeing my son. I'm afraid that if I continue this charade that I'll grow to hate her in time.
What's the right thing to do?
Thanks for taking the time to read this and for any input.
Fortunately, my husband had enough of her behavior and terminated her job in May 2007. Always the caretaker, I gave her two weeks' severance pay, paid for a moving truck, made special trips to see her so that she could see my son, etc. And, of course, I always bought her little presents on these visits so that she wouldn't feel so hurt.
After her arrest, I was the only one at the police station and did the only thing that I could think of doing: I gave her a hug. I told her I loved her and that I'd be there for her, etc. She went into an outpatient treatment program that was one of the best in the country for pain management patients. When she was graduated from the program after several weeks, she only had one week sobriety. She asked me to come to her graduation, but I was undergoing infertility treatments and could not leave. So she guilted me into buying her a Cookie Bouquet because she would feel alone otherwise.
Unfortunately, my sister only made friends with other males in her group, started sleeping with one 10 years her junior and was eventually kicked out of the sober living program. As usual, she had me convinced that she was wronged, that they never told her she couldn't see other members. I almost called the director to yell at him!
After she was kicked out, my sister's behavior became even more reckless and hurtful. Two days after going on and on about how destitute my family was (my parents took her in), I found out that she'd stolen my dad's ATM card. Then, she stole my kid brother's credit cards and charged a mani/pedi and hotel room and $75 at a convenience store. When confronted, she told my family that they didn't understand her pain, that she never asked to be so tormented. Then, as usual, she borrowed my mom's car to go see "friends."
Recently, she stole a check from my grandmother, forged it and, when my grandmother prevented my sister from going to jail after the bank called her, she tried to convince my 86-year-old grandmother that she was suffering dementia and must have had another mini-stroke. My grandmother was beside herself. At this point, I let my sister have it and she promised me that she'd detox this time. Again, I told her that I loved her and that I'd be there for her, but I also told her that I wouldn't condone her stealing.
Less than a week after stealing from my grandmother (and despite being in the hospital for two days out of that week due to a kidney infection and then a gall bladder attack), I found out that she stole my mother's ATM card and cleared out her account. This time, when confronted, she responded that, "Well, at least I've been sober for a week." My mother got paid last Wednesday and I found out that her card had been stolen again on Friday.
I am beyond heartbroken at this point and just want nothing more to do with this craziness. I now realize that I have helped to perpetuate the fraud that is my sister's life by continuing to maintain a normal relationship with her. Despite the hurt she's causing, I still maintain contact with her because I don't know how NOT to. Typically, I need for everything in my life to be okay, but this is NOT OKAY. I don't know who this person that my sister has become is and I don't want to know who this person is.
I am currently 5 months pregnant and becoming increasingly depressed over this situation. I've been reading the various threads and I can't figure out if it's okay for me to say I've had enough and stop accepting my sister's calls and prevent her from seeing my son. I'm afraid that if I continue this charade that I'll grow to hate her in time.
What's the right thing to do?
Thanks for taking the time to read this and for any input.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by smd73 
After her arrest, I was the only one at the police station and did the only thing that I could think of doing: I gave her a hug. I told her I loved her and that I'd be there for her, etc.
and I can't figure out if it's okay for me to say I've had enough and stop accepting my sister's calls and prevent her from seeing my son.
What's the right thing to do?
Continue telling her how you love her but explain to her that her actions are telling you it is better to cut contact unless she finds and holds a solid recovery.
Your son needs to be kept in a safe environment and if she is using...is she a safe person to be around your son?
Many times, when we help others beyond showing them love by sharing where they can find answers and support to help them find recovery, we end up enabling them to continue. Setting boundaries (telling her no more till she cleans up) can be the very best thing you can do for her as well as yourself.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
:ghug2smd73
I could hear your hurt, anger, frustration and also love for your Sister in your thread. I think it's truly wonderful that you have came on here seeking help, not just for your Sister, but for yourself.
You can only do so much for your Sister. Sounds like you have given her every opportunity to support her in her Recovery but unfortunately, she isn't ready.
The only thing you can do for her now is to Pray and set some boundaries.
What you can do for yourself, along with Prayer, is to go to Alanon or Naranon. As you said, this is taking it's toll not only on you but I'm sure your unborn child, Hubby, Son, Mom, Grandma . . . . everyone involved.
I did a great deal of terrible things to my Family when I was using and drinking. I was addicted to pain pills which began years ago due to medical conditions. I lied and stole from my Family, friends, strangers, who ever I could in order to feed my addiction. I'm not saying this disease justifies this behavior, because it doesn't! It only goes to show how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease is.
I encourage you to go to Alanon like I said and also let your Sister know how you feel. If you choose to cut her out of your life while she's using, make sure you stick to any and all boundaries that you set. There's a fine line between supporting someone and enabling them.
I don't think sending the cookie bouquet was enabling. I think that was a beautiful gesture. But I wouldn't be buying her little gifts, giving her any money or even taking your Son to see her. This is my opinion on the issue with your little boy. I know you said she cared for him and the way you spoke, I take it she lived with you and your Hubby and Son. I had a little Sister who died from this disease 17 years ago. My Son was about 6 months old when I caught her having an affair with my Son's Father who I was married to at the time. Linda and I were on speaking terms when she passed away. My Son had just turned 2 a few months earlier. During this time between when I caught them and when she became critically ill, Linda didn't see my Son. She later told me that missing him was one of the main reasons that she wanted to go into treatment. She loved him so much.
Your whole Family sounds like they could benefit from Alanon or Naranon. Some people think this is where Family and Friends go to learn how to help the addict/alcoholic. This is where the Family goes to learn how to help themselves. I'm sure there are many, many feelings that you are having. Sure there's the anger at the things she's doing, the disappointment and also the general not understanding why she just can't stop. But, there's also the love that you have for the woman that you know your Sister is without using.
I'm very happy that you have come on here and shared this with us. I hope you will continue to post and I do believe you will have many, many people come on here to share their experience, strength and hope with you.
God Bless,
Judy
I could hear your hurt, anger, frustration and also love for your Sister in your thread. I think it's truly wonderful that you have came on here seeking help, not just for your Sister, but for yourself.
You can only do so much for your Sister. Sounds like you have given her every opportunity to support her in her Recovery but unfortunately, she isn't ready.
The only thing you can do for her now is to Pray and set some boundaries.
What you can do for yourself, along with Prayer, is to go to Alanon or Naranon. As you said, this is taking it's toll not only on you but I'm sure your unborn child, Hubby, Son, Mom, Grandma . . . . everyone involved.
I did a great deal of terrible things to my Family when I was using and drinking. I was addicted to pain pills which began years ago due to medical conditions. I lied and stole from my Family, friends, strangers, who ever I could in order to feed my addiction. I'm not saying this disease justifies this behavior, because it doesn't! It only goes to show how cunning, baffling and powerful this disease is.
I encourage you to go to Alanon like I said and also let your Sister know how you feel. If you choose to cut her out of your life while she's using, make sure you stick to any and all boundaries that you set. There's a fine line between supporting someone and enabling them.
I don't think sending the cookie bouquet was enabling. I think that was a beautiful gesture. But I wouldn't be buying her little gifts, giving her any money or even taking your Son to see her. This is my opinion on the issue with your little boy. I know you said she cared for him and the way you spoke, I take it she lived with you and your Hubby and Son. I had a little Sister who died from this disease 17 years ago. My Son was about 6 months old when I caught her having an affair with my Son's Father who I was married to at the time. Linda and I were on speaking terms when she passed away. My Son had just turned 2 a few months earlier. During this time between when I caught them and when she became critically ill, Linda didn't see my Son. She later told me that missing him was one of the main reasons that she wanted to go into treatment. She loved him so much.
Your whole Family sounds like they could benefit from Alanon or Naranon. Some people think this is where Family and Friends go to learn how to help the addict/alcoholic. This is where the Family goes to learn how to help themselves. I'm sure there are many, many feelings that you are having. Sure there's the anger at the things she's doing, the disappointment and also the general not understanding why she just can't stop. But, there's also the love that you have for the woman that you know your Sister is without using.
I'm very happy that you have come on here and shared this with us. I hope you will continue to post and I do believe you will have many, many people come on here to share their experience, strength and hope with you.
God Bless,
Judy
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
hey smd 73--
wow - well you sound like you are in alot of pain right now. when the veil is finally lifted and we begin to accept the REALITY of the addict and their behavior it can be a very painful time-- but it is the storm that will eventually clear and hopefully you'll find calmer/saner waters ahead.
I have 3 alkie/addict brothers. It's just horrible. But when I finally accepted the truth and got myself to an AlAnon meeting it really turned my head around. Can you try an AlAnon/Naranon meeting? There you will find education and tools for detaching from this insanity that surrounds your sister.
What Serenity Queen said is so true:
"Your whole Family sounds like they could benefit from Alanon or Naranon. Some people think this is where Family and Friends go to learn how to help the addict/alcoholic. This is where the Family goes to learn how to help themselves."
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I think that is the most important thing right now! If you have to cut off contact with your sister to prevent stress and anxiety then so be it. Nothing to feel guilty about.
She is caught up in her addictive spin cycle now - you cannot control it or change it and looking for your "old sister" in this new baffling creature will only lead you to heartache.
What I learned in AlAnon was not to give an ounce of my power away - especially not to an addict!! I learned to detach and set boundaries and focus on my life and my problems. It is something you have to work on every day - and there are so many great great people on this site who can help with real insight and advice--
keep reading and keep posting!
Peace,
B.
wow - well you sound like you are in alot of pain right now. when the veil is finally lifted and we begin to accept the REALITY of the addict and their behavior it can be a very painful time-- but it is the storm that will eventually clear and hopefully you'll find calmer/saner waters ahead.
I have 3 alkie/addict brothers. It's just horrible. But when I finally accepted the truth and got myself to an AlAnon meeting it really turned my head around. Can you try an AlAnon/Naranon meeting? There you will find education and tools for detaching from this insanity that surrounds your sister.
What Serenity Queen said is so true:
"Your whole Family sounds like they could benefit from Alanon or Naranon. Some people think this is where Family and Friends go to learn how to help the addict/alcoholic. This is where the Family goes to learn how to help themselves."
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I think that is the most important thing right now! If you have to cut off contact with your sister to prevent stress and anxiety then so be it. Nothing to feel guilty about.
She is caught up in her addictive spin cycle now - you cannot control it or change it and looking for your "old sister" in this new baffling creature will only lead you to heartache.
What I learned in AlAnon was not to give an ounce of my power away - especially not to an addict!! I learned to detach and set boundaries and focus on my life and my problems. It is something you have to work on every day - and there are so many great great people on this site who can help with real insight and advice--
keep reading and keep posting!
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Welcome SMD
I have no extra words of advice or wisdom. I agree with everything that has been said before. Boundaries, detaching, etc. they will be the tools you will need, and they will bless you in more than just this situation, but this is the situation that is going to count for you and your family. It may or may not make sense right now, but, IMO, learning what you need to do for yourself is the best thing to do to help your sister!
I have no extra words of advice or wisdom. I agree with everything that has been said before. Boundaries, detaching, etc. they will be the tools you will need, and they will bless you in more than just this situation, but this is the situation that is going to count for you and your family. It may or may not make sense right now, but, IMO, learning what you need to do for yourself is the best thing to do to help your sister!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
First off, congratulations on the pregnancy. You mentioned fertility treatments, so it sounds like they were successful. Be good to your body and to yourself and that little bean growing inside you. 
As for your situation, I think you are on the right track when you bring up cutting her off. She will continue to manipulate otherwise. One thing I have had to learn over the course of my own situation is that old saying, "hate the sin, not the sinner." She's in a dark place and probably in a cycle of guilt/desperation. If she cleans/sobers up, it means she has to face what she's done and make reparations. It means she has to think about all the people she has hurt. The drugs help make that guilt go away. It's a nasty nasty cycle. You know this, I'm sure.
If this was me (and again, I can only speak for myself,) I would setting some serious boundaries. I would give her the ultimatum: get help, or here's what I'm going to do--
stop taking your calls
change my phone number if necessary
will not answer the door if you show up on my doorstep
will not allow you near my child(ren)
will not give you money or any kind of financial support
(etc)
I would also take steps for your mother/grandmother to change their accounts/ATM card numbers, etc. Change everything and hide those cards away. Lock them up. Lock up the checks. Cover yourselves financially.
Again, the choice is ultimately yours, but I think you have every reason to take a huge step back.
And grats again on your little one on the way....
As for your situation, I think you are on the right track when you bring up cutting her off. She will continue to manipulate otherwise. One thing I have had to learn over the course of my own situation is that old saying, "hate the sin, not the sinner." She's in a dark place and probably in a cycle of guilt/desperation. If she cleans/sobers up, it means she has to face what she's done and make reparations. It means she has to think about all the people she has hurt. The drugs help make that guilt go away. It's a nasty nasty cycle. You know this, I'm sure.
If this was me (and again, I can only speak for myself,) I would setting some serious boundaries. I would give her the ultimatum: get help, or here's what I'm going to do--
stop taking your calls
change my phone number if necessary
will not answer the door if you show up on my doorstep
will not allow you near my child(ren)
will not give you money or any kind of financial support
(etc)
I would also take steps for your mother/grandmother to change their accounts/ATM card numbers, etc. Change everything and hide those cards away. Lock them up. Lock up the checks. Cover yourselves financially.
Again, the choice is ultimately yours, but I think you have every reason to take a huge step back.
And grats again on your little one on the way....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2
I want to thank everyone that took the time to respond to my post. Your kind words and encouragement have really helped ease a worried soul. I will continue to read your words of wisdom and will get involved in a program and will encourage the whole family to get involved. We could all use it.
With heartfelt thanks,
Shawna
With heartfelt thanks,
Shawna
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I can't figure out if it's okay for me to say I've had enough and stop accepting my sister's calls and prevent her from seeing my son. I'm afraid that if I continue this charade that I'll grow to hate her in time.
Until we start losing things, losing people we harm, etc. Then for many, there just is no reason to quit.
Being around your children is a big thing to me.
I would never have babysat when I was using.
I think about that today, one of my Very Best Friends has a little girl.
If I was using, I would not let myself be around her or her little girl.
If I am using, I am not a safe person to be around. Period. What if she accidentally left some of her drugs around, and your son found it.
You have every right to step away for yourself. And it's the best thing for her as well, IMO..
Love Her, Hate the Disease.
She's doing bad things, because when we are active I think we get so clouded in our jugement as to what is right and what is wrong.
Drugs hold us hostage. :ghug
~Just My Experiences~
:atv
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