Ann

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Detaching in Love

Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency. It strengthens our healthy relationships - the ones that we want to grow and flourish. It benefits our difficult relationships - the ones that are teaching us to cope. It helps us!

Detachment is not something we do once. It's a daily behavior in recovery. We learn it when were beginning our recovery from codependency and adult children issues. And we continue to practice it along the way as we grow and change, and as our relationships grow and change.

We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and those we don't particularly care for. We separate ourselves, and our process, from others and their process.

We relinquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves. The way life unfolds is good, even when it hurts. And ultimately, we can benefit from even the most difficult situations. We do this with the understanding that a Power greater than ourselves is in charge, and all is well.

Today, I will apply the concept of detachment, to the best of my ability, in my relationships. If I cant let go completely, Ill try to hang on loose.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Ann

I particularly like this reading today because so many of us had no idea how to do this when we were new at recovery.

Detaching from our addicts doesn't mean we don't love them, it means that we let go of the obsession to fix what is not ours to fix and begin looking after ourselves.

It took me a long time to understand that, and to know that another person's addiction and behaviour was not mine to own or to fix and that only they could do that when they were ready...and that NOTHING I could do or not do, say or not say could make that time come one minute earlier.

I love my son but I cannot live in his addiction. It's a dark place that only sucked me into hell with him. Recovery helped me find my way out again and it is a place I shall never go again. In my case, I had to detach to save my own life, knowing I could not save his.


Let go or be dragged is a phrase I have heard here often, and how very true that was for me.

Hugs

ctrom40

Thanks Ann,

This reading "hit" home for me.

With my 2 addicted children, it was very easy for me to detach.
Once I realized that I had to let go or be dragged too.
But that detachment was filled with so much anger.

I feel my true Grace finally came when I was able to detach with love.
That was very hard for me to do. (I'm Irish )
I felt so at peace when the anger faded.

Thanks again,
Colleen

figure

Thanks! I needed to read this. I drove 8 hours to see my A and drove 8 hours back home last wekend.....at least I figured that he would call me more often...I have called him 3x since and he let me go bc he wanted to sleep at 2 o'clock in the afternoon...it seems the more that I show how much I care, the more he "takes" from me. He did thank me for coming to see him but I expected a little more than I got in return ......foolish me....I know better and like you stated, detaching with love is not something we do just once.......we do it over and over and over and over.............My emotions turn to anger, deprssion, sad and a longing for my A.

Marial

Thanks Ann - your words on detachment actually help me reaffirm my belief that this is the best route I can take to cope with my son's addiction. For years attempted to practice detachment (sometimes with success and sometimes without) so I could live a reasonably normal life. Recent events made me feel guilty about my detachment but now I see that if I really want to move on I need to continue with this practice.

Maria