itisatruth

Hi, and if I haven't said it too much already, thanks to all of you for sharing your stories here on SR.

About two weeks ago I joined SR to try to make some sense out of things in dealing with my AH. I had felt bad about myself because I continue to stay even though I know I am not happy and he has broken so many promises. Then after reading some replies, I decided that I wasn't going to be so hard on myself (thanks hope213). At first when I found out he lied again, I was gung-ho (sp) about making threats and ultimatums. But I feel relieved that I am no longer expecting something from him. I am not waiting for him to follow through or to break his word again. I am just trying to take things day by day and do the best I can for me. Don't know what's right or wrong, just that I am doing the best I can.....no shame in that right?!

As far as my AH is concerned, he has not gone to any NA meetings. He says he will as soon as he gets off Vicodin and Xanax. He "just doesn't want to go to meetings like that" (on pills). I told him whatever, its his deal now. I am going to start doing for me. He is very worried about that, which I find funny for some reason. Like, OK, finally you're worried about our marriage and losing me, as if I haven't been warning him forever and given him a hundred chances. He is also very worried about me saying I am going to go to Alanon (no naranon close). He says "they only tell you to leave me." Again I said whatever, I am going to go. At any rate, he took time off work next week to get off the pills.

I always knew I was hard-headed, but apparently this time I think I am finally giving up on the trying to fix him. I am very sad that through his actions, our marriage is in pieces. Sometimes I don't think I love him anymore. Is that bad or what? I mean I care about him and love him in a way, but I don't feel that special way about him anymore. Is that strange?

Anyways, I have truly appreciated this site and all those who have shared and given their experience, strength, and hope.

lostnow

My AH said those same exact words when I said I was going into counseling for myself. Then called the day I went to ask me what they said.
I don't think your feeling are strange at all I can hate and love my AH all in one breath.
I know with me it's a love that will always be there because of all our history and our kids, for me having them was huge and he was right there, I won't ever let that love go.
I don't feel so in love with him anymore though with me it was this huge feeling like I couldn't live with out him, thats gone.

BayAreaPhoenix

Good for you. You don't have to decide anything right now, all you have to do is take care of you!

Love is such a funny thing. It is strong and yet fragile. It can withstand and yet it needs to be nurtured. In time, as you grow and inevitably change, you will see more from AH and your path will become clear. He is obviously nervous right now and going to do what he has to do, only time will tell if it is a life change or not.

Wishing you happiness, however that comes - in the meantime, we'll all walk our paths individually, yet together!

Eqlibrium

i disagree i think everyone deserves second chances no matter how many times they ****** and caring for him shows him that you dont wnat to give up with him, and it does make him feel better, care more for urself but dont close everyone else off, everyone is a human being everyone has feelings no matter how ****** up they are

Ann

That's not strange, that's recovery in action, when we realize that we are trying to fix what is not ours to fix and begin taking care of ourselves.

And those words are spoken by someone who has not been in our shoes, and who doesn't understand about detaching with love. We don't have to give "chances" to anyone when doing so puts us in danger of any kind, including emotional danger.

I love my son, as every mother here loves their addict child, but I can no longer live my life in my recovery and his disease at the same time. I pray for my addict, and give him to God, and then live my days well in the light of my recovery. Walking into his darkness won't save him, only he can find his own light when he is ready.

As has been said, you don't have to do anything until you are ready. Doing "nothing" is an action when it is a choice to wait to be led. You will know in your heart when "enough" is enough, and that's often where our recovery becomes strong enough to see us through those difficult days.

Hugs

cece1960

I believe in second chance also.
Its the ten, eleven and twelve that tend to get to me.

The bigger problem here is our lack of control, no matter how many chances are given, to change things.

Its the damage we do when we pick them up and give them that "just this one more time" chance, rather than allowing them the dignity of getting things right on their own.

Its the damage we do to ourselves when we allow another's disease and fear and choices to rob us of our own happiness, and the chance of happiness in the future.

And it often "holding" them up well past the time they should have learned to stand on their own...because we needed them to need us.

I don't expect you to understand.

greeteachday

The only thing we can control is ourselves, we can not change others. Call it whatever anyone wants to call it; to me having a healthy sense of self care is far from "giving up." As Codeine wife said, you don't have to make any major decisions right now, just keep taking steps forward for yourself. When he is ready to stop, he will, but until then, nothing you can say or do will change that, as you have come to realize.

His fear of your actions is, IMO realization that you will not be shielding him from the consequences of his use. I'm glad that you are shifting the focus where it needs to be and reaching out for support here and at meetings. It's amazing how quickly things start changing for the better. Hugs

Impurrfect

Well, from this recovering addict, and recovering codie, I think you're doing great. There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking care of yourself!

As far as love goes, I realize that I still love my XABF, but I am not IN LOVE with him. He will never get another chance with me, because he blew too many chances. I don't think I could ever trust him again, and now that I'm recovering, trust is HUGE with me.

My X is still a friend, but I have to keep him at a distance since he's still using and that is something I choose not to be around. It took me a long time to stop being angry at him, in fact I learned how to get past that from the great folks here...he's just doing what addicts do. I can no longer take it personally.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

itisatruth

Codeinewife,
That concept means so much to me right now. I am finally realizing that I will decide what to do when its right for me, and taking care of myself is something that I should and will do. Thank you.

itisatruth

Thank you Eqlibrium for taking the time to share. I hope you don't think that what many of us here on SR are going through means that we don't believe in second chances; many have given so many chances we can't even count them anymore. I also hope you don't think I take my marriage vows lightly. I wanted to be married to my husband for the rest of my life; I wanted us to be happy and to grow old together. I wish more than anything I could believe in him again. I am not saying that I have given up. I'm not saying that I don't care about him. But sometimes caring means more than helping someone kill himself, and that's what I believe he is doing, slowly. I don't want to help him do that.

I also believe that I am valuable. I believe that I should not have to live in an environment that is as crazy as it is. I think I should be able to come home and know that my husband is not passed out on the floor, in jail, or asleep in his cereal bowl again with my bank account empty. I don't want to be miserable anymore, that's why I come here to read and share and hopefully someday feel alive again.

I am trying to find my way. I wish you the best on your journey.

Spiritual Seeker

Are you only threatening to go to al-anon or or you going?
They say to go at least 6 times to determine if it is right for you.
it will teach you to put the focus on yourself and off AH
Once you do this, your choices, decisions, actions may be more clear to you
once you start changing what you can, yourself, there is a ripple effect.

itisatruth

I just spent about 15 minutes writing a reply, then when I posted it disappeared, apparently I took to long!

Just wanted to say that I think I understand now that I cannot control his actions, no matter how hard I try. I have been trying to make him fix himself, but as the old saying goes....you can lead a horse to water......

You and your son will be in my prayers. I admire your strength and dedication to your recovery and that you are doing what you can for him by letting him find his own way.

itisatruth

[QUOTE=cece1960;1729696]
Its the damage we do when we pick them up and give them that "just this one more time" chance, rather than allowing them the dignity of getting things right on their own.

Its the damage we do to ourselves when we allow another's disease and fear and choices to rob us of our own happiness, and the chance of happiness in the future.
QUOTE]

You are right, I have tried so hard not to enable him, but somehow that's exactly what I did. I realized that it was damaging me in more ways than just emotionally: it has begun to effect my health. That's when I knew I had to do something. Joining SR was the fist step. Thank you.

itisatruth

Amy, I hope that someday I can let go of my anger as well. Its hard not to take it personally as I'm sure you remember. I wish you the best in your recovery.

itisatruth

Spiritual Seeker, I so hope that things will be more clear. I am not threatening to go, I am going to go. He is the one who is always bringing it up. I don't know what it will be like because I have always had a hard time opening up about personal stuff -- even with people I am close to. I am scared and nervous, but I am usually pretty determined once I make up my mind. I know that I need to get better. I can't go on like this and since I don't think I'm ready to leave, going to Al-anon is something I need to do....I need to make connections, to have someone to talk to or just to listen to. thanks for reminding me that I need to get that going

imallright

Itsa.... You statement of... Caring means more than helping someone kill himself... that is so powerful for me. I think that was one of the keys to my decision of "no more". After years of watching, pleading, dealing w/excuses... I said, "Enough" It was killing me, literally, to sit and watch him kill himself. I realized if he had so little self-respect, how could he possibly have respect for me. I tried and tried to get him to change, to get him to get help, go to a doc, anything.... and then I let go. It still hurts like heck to look at him and see what he is doing to himself, but I think for the moment anyways, I understand that no matter what I do, I can't make it different. What I can make different is me. So, that is the journey I am on, to take care of me. Thanks for your words, they have really helped me.