I can do this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 57
I can do this
Raise my kids who are boys all alone I swear the next persons who tells me I can't is going to get slapped
Everyone from my own family who have their own issues ( my parents are not divorced). To the intake counselor who said "how sad he left you when you have Boys who are at an age when the need their daddy." I just looked at her like wtf and she quickly said but he's not a good role model if he's using drugs well you think.
Just ticks me off that if my kids were girls I should run but their not so I should stay and put up with crap. At least thats what everyone around here thinks
Then I start to second guess myself like I said before thing weren't always bad and he was a way better father than he ever was a husband. He was even a stay at home dad for a while with my oldest and I don't mean he didn't have a job and laid around doing nothing. He did it all just like I did when I was a stay at home mom. Of course he smoked pot then entire time but sh%t got done.
Of course life with an addict I have learned is a roller coaster ride and my youngest never knew the great daddy or we won't be in this mess. I just have got the felling from my AH that he's staying put where he is and if thats the case then my kids may never see if again and I'm felling very guilty about that.
He said he would come get a job and live in the state not our house so he could see the kids and work on us if I wanted. That hasn't happened and as far as I see what he's working on is staying there. I know I can't make him do anything but he makes me fell guilty by saying I can't come back cause you won't let me. Every time I talk to him the story changes Now he won't discuss anything.
So I would love to here from mom who have raised boys on their own and turned out ok. Without having a daddy around theirs got to be some great boys out there who were only raised my moms right.
Everyone from my own family who have their own issues ( my parents are not divorced). To the intake counselor who said "how sad he left you when you have Boys who are at an age when the need their daddy." I just looked at her like wtf and she quickly said but he's not a good role model if he's using drugs well you think.
Just ticks me off that if my kids were girls I should run but their not so I should stay and put up with crap. At least thats what everyone around here thinks
Then I start to second guess myself like I said before thing weren't always bad and he was a way better father than he ever was a husband. He was even a stay at home dad for a while with my oldest and I don't mean he didn't have a job and laid around doing nothing. He did it all just like I did when I was a stay at home mom. Of course he smoked pot then entire time but sh%t got done.
Of course life with an addict I have learned is a roller coaster ride and my youngest never knew the great daddy or we won't be in this mess. I just have got the felling from my AH that he's staying put where he is and if thats the case then my kids may never see if again and I'm felling very guilty about that.
He said he would come get a job and live in the state not our house so he could see the kids and work on us if I wanted. That hasn't happened and as far as I see what he's working on is staying there. I know I can't make him do anything but he makes me fell guilty by saying I can't come back cause you won't let me. Every time I talk to him the story changes Now he won't discuss anything.
So I would love to here from mom who have raised boys on their own and turned out ok. Without having a daddy around theirs got to be some great boys out there who were only raised my moms right.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Not a Mom- but I just had send a hug! You can do it, of course you can! We can all do what we need to and what we want to - we just have to get out there and do it! Some things may be harder than others, maybe - maybe not.
Good for you! Like all the parents on this board - you all are terrific in my eyes! Keep on doing what you do for your children, they all have the BEST!
Good for you! Like all the parents on this board - you all are terrific in my eyes! Keep on doing what you do for your children, they all have the BEST!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 57
Thanks codeinewife
I just want to to make my self clear and apologize if I came off rude in my post.
I don't think anyone who has an addict child is a bad parent. Things happen beyond are control even in the best circumstance a child can be come an addict.
My only concern for me and guilt is how much the odds are stacked against my children statistically wise. I mean if we do get divorced, then addiction then, mental illness runs in the family not to mention if you take into account my age when I had them. I fell like I have already screwed them over just by having them. I love them to death don't get me wrong I just want the best for them.
I just want to to make my self clear and apologize if I came off rude in my post.
I don't think anyone who has an addict child is a bad parent. Things happen beyond are control even in the best circumstance a child can be come an addict.
My only concern for me and guilt is how much the odds are stacked against my children statistically wise. I mean if we do get divorced, then addiction then, mental illness runs in the family not to mention if you take into account my age when I had them. I fell like I have already screwed them over just by having them. I love them to death don't get me wrong I just want the best for them.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: canada
Posts: 38
You want what is best for them, and that is exact;y what you are doing. YOU CAN AND WILL DO THIS!! You know why, because you have to and you love your boys enough to do this for them. I'm sure your scared, but it will get better. The odds are better stacked against them living with an A daily. History wold have a better chance of repeating itself. And you surely do not want your boys learning this is how you treat your wife and children!!!
Take Care!!! Oh check out my "for womens" thread you'll appreaciate it!!
Take Care!!! Oh check out my "for womens" thread you'll appreaciate it!!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Heya- lostnow -
BIG (((((HUGS)))))
Single mom of two boys here, passing the banner on to YOU!!
Of course you can do this! It will not be easy but it will be WAY easier than the insanity of a lousy marriage, and the hardship and bad example of living with an addict.
How old are your boys? Yeah, sure in an ideal world they'd have some kind of ideal dad but - there is no ideal world! And what they need most is love and warm gentle encouragement and a predictable daily routine in a safe household.
When I got divorced my boys were 7 and 3. I was in debt, broke, and hadn't worked for several years. I just completely surrendered and accepted any and all help that was available to me. They are now 17 and 13. It took me years to clean up after myself but I have never regretted getting divorced.
My golden rules for myself were:
1. Never ever bad-mouth their father. (that does not mean hiding reality from them - it just means no poison looks or words)
2. Never give them the impression that this was like the worst, most terrible thing, and that we were a "broken" family, or any of that depressing crap.
When I was completely depressed, broke, so lost and broken hearted that I just didn't think I could deal with my own life never mind MOTHERHOOD I got my rear-end to therapy and got back in the saddle.
I reminded them a lot at the beginning that the divorce had nothing to do with them, and that I knew their Papa loved them very much just like I love them.
Now they are older and both really decent, sweet, and kind young men who can make up their own minds about their Papa.
I have been forthright and as honest as is appropriate about my struggles with my co-dependent behavior regarding their alcoholic uncles, my A father and our whole family history/culture of tragic lousy Irish drinking at its worst.
Naturally my big fear is that they would ever become alkies/addicts. But that's not for me to know or think I can control. AlAnon helps with that. They have their own destinies.
And so do you!
Sending you strength and Peace-
B.
BIG (((((HUGS)))))
Single mom of two boys here, passing the banner on to YOU!!
Of course you can do this! It will not be easy but it will be WAY easier than the insanity of a lousy marriage, and the hardship and bad example of living with an addict.
How old are your boys? Yeah, sure in an ideal world they'd have some kind of ideal dad but - there is no ideal world! And what they need most is love and warm gentle encouragement and a predictable daily routine in a safe household.
When I got divorced my boys were 7 and 3. I was in debt, broke, and hadn't worked for several years. I just completely surrendered and accepted any and all help that was available to me. They are now 17 and 13. It took me years to clean up after myself but I have never regretted getting divorced.
My golden rules for myself were:
1. Never ever bad-mouth their father. (that does not mean hiding reality from them - it just means no poison looks or words)
2. Never give them the impression that this was like the worst, most terrible thing, and that we were a "broken" family, or any of that depressing crap.
When I was completely depressed, broke, so lost and broken hearted that I just didn't think I could deal with my own life never mind MOTHERHOOD I got my rear-end to therapy and got back in the saddle.
I reminded them a lot at the beginning that the divorce had nothing to do with them, and that I knew their Papa loved them very much just like I love them.
Now they are older and both really decent, sweet, and kind young men who can make up their own minds about their Papa.
I have been forthright and as honest as is appropriate about my struggles with my co-dependent behavior regarding their alcoholic uncles, my A father and our whole family history/culture of tragic lousy Irish drinking at its worst.
Naturally my big fear is that they would ever become alkies/addicts. But that's not for me to know or think I can control. AlAnon helps with that. They have their own destinies.
And so do you!
Sending you strength and Peace-
B.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
"How old are your boys? Yeah, sure in an ideal world they'd have some kind of ideal dad but - there is no ideal world! And what they need most is love and warm gentle encouragement and a predictable daily routine in a safe household."
When I read this it reminded me of a share I heard at an NA meeting (I think OK to share here as it wasn't actually in my town even) Anyhow, the person sharing said the year he lived with his grandmother after his parents got divorced was his "most loved" time in his life. Every day she hugged him, told him she loved him and that he was the perfect him! He is in his 40's or 50's now and struggling with 10 years recovery and a few relapses, and that's where he wishes he could have stayed. With love and stability.
Just thought I'd pass that along - I agree with Bernadette! That's really all any of us need. I think your boys will be just fine! and so will you!
When I read this it reminded me of a share I heard at an NA meeting (I think OK to share here as it wasn't actually in my town even) Anyhow, the person sharing said the year he lived with his grandmother after his parents got divorced was his "most loved" time in his life. Every day she hugged him, told him she loved him and that he was the perfect him! He is in his 40's or 50's now and struggling with 10 years recovery and a few relapses, and that's where he wishes he could have stayed. With love and stability.
Just thought I'd pass that along - I agree with Bernadette! That's really all any of us need. I think your boys will be just fine! and so will you!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I think that in an ideal world, boys & girls need fathers. However, they are much better off being raised by just you rather than being in an unhealthy situation. I have plenty of male friends who were raised by their mothers, and they came out fine. Do you have other good male role models around who could be a good influence on them? I was raised without a father, but I did have my grandfather around. He is a very good man. I was also around healthy male role models in my church through Sunday school, youth groups, etc.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
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divorced mom of 3 boys here - started that part of the journey when they were 5, 3, and 2.
1. never bad-mouth the dad. Remember, half of their DNA comes from their dad. Verbally connect them to the good part of their dad.
2. when you can, relate your boys to the good part of their dad. "Wow Jason, chocolate cake is your favorite dessert? That your dad's favorite, too." "Thanks for opening the door for that lady at the bank. That's something your dad does, too." Then watch their posture change!!
3. as often as you can, use opportunities to tell your boys, privately, occasions when they were courageous. "Wow, Jason, you were so courageous when you went and got your ball back from Brad. You must have been scared, but you did it anyway! That's courage, and i'm so proud of you!"
3.5 keep them busy.
4. don't date.
5. watch out for other parents who assume your home is dysfunctional because you are not married. sometimes other parents think they can take your child under their wing even without your permission. don't let that happen. it fragments your home and undermines your authority.
6. get them involved in groups with male leadership - church youth groups, Boy Scouts, sports, karate, whatever!!
7. when your boys are older and walk into addiction, don't despair. come back here and we'll help you walk through that.
8. there's other things you'll discover along the way.
soj
1. never bad-mouth the dad. Remember, half of their DNA comes from their dad. Verbally connect them to the good part of their dad.
2. when you can, relate your boys to the good part of their dad. "Wow Jason, chocolate cake is your favorite dessert? That your dad's favorite, too." "Thanks for opening the door for that lady at the bank. That's something your dad does, too." Then watch their posture change!!
3. as often as you can, use opportunities to tell your boys, privately, occasions when they were courageous. "Wow, Jason, you were so courageous when you went and got your ball back from Brad. You must have been scared, but you did it anyway! That's courage, and i'm so proud of you!"
3.5 keep them busy.
4. don't date.
5. watch out for other parents who assume your home is dysfunctional because you are not married. sometimes other parents think they can take your child under their wing even without your permission. don't let that happen. it fragments your home and undermines your authority.
6. get them involved in groups with male leadership - church youth groups, Boy Scouts, sports, karate, whatever!!
7. when your boys are older and walk into addiction, don't despair. come back here and we'll help you walk through that.
8. there's other things you'll discover along the way.
soj
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by lostnow 
Raise my kids who are boys all alone I swear the next persons who tells me I can't is going to get slapped
Everyone from my own family who have their own issues ( my parents are not divorced). To the intake counselor who said "how sad he left you when you have Boys who are at an age when the need their daddy." I just looked at her like wtf and she quickly said but he's not a good role model if he's using drugs well you think.
Just ticks me off that if my kids were girls I should run but their not so I should stay and put up with crap. At least thats what everyone around here thinks
Everyone from my own family who have their own issues ( my parents are not divorced). To the intake counselor who said "how sad he left you when you have Boys who are at an age when the need their daddy." I just looked at her like wtf and she quickly said but he's not a good role model if he's using drugs well you think.
Just ticks me off that if my kids were girls I should run but their not so I should stay and put up with crap. At least thats what everyone around here thinks
So I can make my own decisions based on my truth, my knowledge, my recovery and the guidance from my HP on what is best for me and my family.
Not sure about the counselor - would have thought they may have been a little more understanding.
I'm sure you are a great Mom and that your boys will be wonderful.
Just sharing my e, s, & h,
Rita
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Oh good grief. I heard, and still hear, negative comments from my mother about how I will never make it.
Isn't that sad? I mean, I raised 2 boys alone. I did ok.
She is the miserable one. Not me. SHe just can't say anything to me without it having to be how I will fail at something.
I learned to tune it out. For years I listened to it, and it nearly destroyed me.
I graduated college.
I have a great job.
My life is peaceful (right now anyway)
What more could you ask for?
It's not her life, it's mine. I will live it as I choose, not as someone else thinks I should.
Isn't that sad? I mean, I raised 2 boys alone. I did ok.
She is the miserable one. Not me. SHe just can't say anything to me without it having to be how I will fail at something.
I learned to tune it out. For years I listened to it, and it nearly destroyed me.
I graduated college.
I have a great job.
My life is peaceful (right now anyway)
What more could you ask for?
It's not her life, it's mine. I will live it as I choose, not as someone else thinks I should.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by sojourner
6. get them involved in groups with male leadership - church youth groups, Boy Scouts, sports, karate, whatever!!
I practiced karate for several years and saw a lot of kids from single parent homes come and go. In my area it's still a very common practice for dojos and their instructors to require children show their report cards. I watched so many kids get a 'talking to' because of bad grades, missed homework, or behavior.
Some moms liked that because they were looking for a disciplinary father figure for their kids. I didn't; I'm married and my son didn't need an extra parent and I very politely told them that. The dojo changed their policy and it became voluntary.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by lostnow
So I would love to here from mom who have raised boys on their own and turned out ok. Without having a daddy around theirs got to be some great boys out there who were only raised my moms right.
The oldest graduated with honors from UT with a business degree, married his high school sweetheart who is in her third year of medical school, has an adorable 9-month-old little girl and is an incredible husband and father. He now owns the business that his dad threw away through many years of irresponsibility.
The 20 year old is a sophomore in college and received a very prestigious full scholarship. He is a theatre arts major and has been singing and acting for several years and has won many awards.
The youngest is in 5th grade, and is a happy, healthy, normal kid.
Was it easy?? No. Did they have issues because of the things they grew up with? Yes. Will any one of them tell you that they are infinitely better off now that I am no longer married to their father? Absolutely!!
You most certainly can raise healthy boys without the benefit of a full-time father, especially if that father is an addict!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi there,
I work with children and I have seen single parents doing a great job with their kids. I have also seen kids that live with addicts in the home and it is heartbreaking to see what it does to these kids. Kids need love, support and guidance on a daily basis. I'm sure you will do your best. Surround yourself with people that will have a positive influence in your life and who will be there when you need some support during the difficult times. Take care and keep coming back to SR.
I work with children and I have seen single parents doing a great job with their kids. I have also seen kids that live with addicts in the home and it is heartbreaking to see what it does to these kids. Kids need love, support and guidance on a daily basis. I'm sure you will do your best. Surround yourself with people that will have a positive influence in your life and who will be there when you need some support during the difficult times. Take care and keep coming back to SR.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 57
I appreciate all the responses here. There was a huge storm last night so I wasn't able to get on.
I worry about my kids of course but your alright I can do it, I am doing it right now.
They have been happier lately and it's do to their no longer hearing all the screaming and yelling. I haven't always been the best parent I know I just couldn't keep my mouth shut and not argue with my AH
I definitely need to adapt your rules Bernadette, when he was here I was bad about saying stuff about him in front of the kids or being sarcastic.
Gosh I fell so horrible about that now never expected him to leave I guess. Never thought it would be so bad. I don't let the kids no that though, I have just been doing everything like I have always been doing it.
This is a great way to think of it never looked at it like that.
"1. never bad-mouth the dad. Remember, half of their DNA comes from their dad. Verbally connect them to the good part of their dad."
Thanks sojourne
My kids both know what going on with there day the older one knows more. My youngest still thinks daddy's gone getting help to be a better dad thats what my husband had told him he was going to be gone doing. Then he left rehab or was kicked out rather. My oldest wonders why he won't go back and get help. I'm trying to find a counselor for him he said he wanted to go. They are still both doing great at school only thing I have noticed is the fighting between them has got worse or it just my be me. I don't get a break from kids ever, so it fells like more if that makes sense.
I do work with kids, I study kids, have kids, you'd think I'd know enough but it's always different when they are your own. I love it though all I do ,kids are diffidently amazing. Even through all that's going on I walk into my classroom and it all gos away. Then I get to spent what would be a long boring drive home if not for the fact I have my youngest to drive with me he's chatting the whole way home. I just need to focus more on what I have Sorry for rambling away.
I worry about my kids of course but your alright I can do it, I am doing it right now.
They have been happier lately and it's do to their no longer hearing all the screaming and yelling. I haven't always been the best parent I know I just couldn't keep my mouth shut and not argue with my AH
I definitely need to adapt your rules Bernadette, when he was here I was bad about saying stuff about him in front of the kids or being sarcastic.
Gosh I fell so horrible about that now never expected him to leave I guess. Never thought it would be so bad. I don't let the kids no that though, I have just been doing everything like I have always been doing it.
This is a great way to think of it never looked at it like that.
"1. never bad-mouth the dad. Remember, half of their DNA comes from their dad. Verbally connect them to the good part of their dad."
Thanks sojourne
My kids both know what going on with there day the older one knows more. My youngest still thinks daddy's gone getting help to be a better dad thats what my husband had told him he was going to be gone doing. Then he left rehab or was kicked out rather. My oldest wonders why he won't go back and get help. I'm trying to find a counselor for him he said he wanted to go. They are still both doing great at school only thing I have noticed is the fighting between them has got worse or it just my be me. I don't get a break from kids ever, so it fells like more if that makes sense.
I do work with kids, I study kids, have kids, you'd think I'd know enough but it's always different when they are your own. I love it though all I do ,kids are diffidently amazing. Even through all that's going on I walk into my classroom and it all gos away. Then I get to spent what would be a long boring drive home if not for the fact I have my youngest to drive with me he's chatting the whole way home. I just need to focus more on what I have Sorry for rambling away.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Hi lostnow, I agree with those who have already posted....give your boys love, honesty, open communication, and a safe, stable home environment and you will have given them the best a mother can offer. I did want to comment on one thing....this counselor doesn't seem very experienced with dealing with addiction. Any way you can ask about his/her prior experience with it and/or any way to get someone who has some background in this area? Honestly, I think that was a terribly inappropriate thing to say in your present situation. The last thing you needed was for someone to make you second guess yourself. On that note, please, please remember that you are doing the best you can for you and your boys. I doubt you would have made this decision to be a single parent if you didn't believe it was the best thing you could do. One last thing, I agree with Sara21. I also work with kids and the children who live with addiction (we know they do because kids can be brutally honest) have way more problems than kids who have a stable home life. Take care...
PS That's my 19 year old in my avatar......raised mostly by me and doing just fine so far
PS That's my 19 year old in my avatar......raised mostly by me and doing just fine so far
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
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I have a friend who has 5 kids only one of them was a girl. Her drug addicted physically abusive husband left her and the kids when the youngest was 4 and the oldest was 11. It was hard for her no doubt but, I am sure that she and the kids were better off.
The kids will be alright and so will you. Don't let guilt drive where you do not want to go.
The kids will be alright and so will you. Don't let guilt drive where you do not want to go.
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Join Date: Aug 2006
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its my opinion that children need a stable loving person that they know beyond all doubt that they can count on, someone who loves them no matter what..............
sure in a perfect world that would be both mom and dad but sometimes its neither.............but it is truely my opinion that when a kid has the guidance of a loving adult they are ahead of the game because so many kids dont have that
also, I think its important to help our children ( the ones with addicted parents) to KNOW that this isnt about them...............addiction is an illness and it doesnt mean mom dad or whoever doesnt love them, and that NOTHING the child did or didnt do ......made mom or dad use.
sure in a perfect world that would be both mom and dad but sometimes its neither.............but it is truely my opinion that when a kid has the guidance of a loving adult they are ahead of the game because so many kids dont have that
also, I think its important to help our children ( the ones with addicted parents) to KNOW that this isnt about them...............addiction is an illness and it doesnt mean mom dad or whoever doesnt love them, and that NOTHING the child did or didnt do ......made mom or dad use.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by itisatruth
Hi lostnow, I agree with those who have already posted....give your boys love, honesty, open communication, and a safe, stable home environment and you will have given them the best a mother can offer. I did want to comment on one thing....this counselor doesn't seem very experienced with dealing with addiction. Any way you can ask about his/her prior experience with it and/or any way to get someone who has some background in this area? Honestly, I think that was a terribly inappropriate thing to say in your present situation. The last thing you needed was for someone to make you second guess yourself. On that note, please, please remember that you are doing the best you can for you and your boys. I doubt you would have made this decision to be a single parent if you didn't believe it was the best thing you could do. One last thing, I agree with Sara21. I also work with kids and the children who live with addiction (we know they do because kids can be brutally honest) have way more problems than kids who have a stable home life. Take care...
PS That's my 19 year old in my avatar......raised mostly by me and doing just fine so far
PS That's my 19 year old in my avatar......raised mostly by me and doing just fine so far
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