so confused i don't know where to start
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Coquitlam, BC
Posts: 2
so confused i don't know where to start
I'm new to this site, so i hope i do this right and someone can give me some advice.
My husband of 20 years has always drank alot, but a few months ago i found out he is using cocaine. I feel like i'm living someone else's life, i was so shocked i walked around in a daze for days. He has been acting strange for close to 3 years, and i thought it was depression brought on by stress of owning his own company. After Christmas this year, i convinced him to go to dr. and he is on a few different meds now. So then i find out about the coke, and he won't tell his doctor. There is so much i could tell you, i'm sure you've heard it all before, so for now my immediate questions are: Should i tell the doctor (behind his back)? Should i tell his family, should i tell our three teen daughters that this is the real reason dad has been acting so crazy? His last 'episode' was two days ago, he has been pretty much sleeping since, i don't know when to talk to him about his behavior, or decisions he needs to make. We talked about it two nights ago, but he had used a few hours before that, and problay would say anything i wanted to hear. He is so much in denial, should i have him read some stuff online about what it's doing to him physcially? He blames his aches and pains on so many things, he thinks the meds from the doctor are causing him to feel so 'out of it' - i don't know if would do any good to try to talk to him make him aware of the effects. There's so much more, but these are my inital questions, i hope someone can turn me in the right direction. Thanks
My husband of 20 years has always drank alot, but a few months ago i found out he is using cocaine. I feel like i'm living someone else's life, i was so shocked i walked around in a daze for days. He has been acting strange for close to 3 years, and i thought it was depression brought on by stress of owning his own company. After Christmas this year, i convinced him to go to dr. and he is on a few different meds now. So then i find out about the coke, and he won't tell his doctor. There is so much i could tell you, i'm sure you've heard it all before, so for now my immediate questions are: Should i tell the doctor (behind his back)? Should i tell his family, should i tell our three teen daughters that this is the real reason dad has been acting so crazy? His last 'episode' was two days ago, he has been pretty much sleeping since, i don't know when to talk to him about his behavior, or decisions he needs to make. We talked about it two nights ago, but he had used a few hours before that, and problay would say anything i wanted to hear. He is so much in denial, should i have him read some stuff online about what it's doing to him physcially? He blames his aches and pains on so many things, he thinks the meds from the doctor are causing him to feel so 'out of it' - i don't know if would do any good to try to talk to him make him aware of the effects. There's so much more, but these are my inital questions, i hope someone can turn me in the right direction. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Those with more experience will be along shortly, just wanted to say welcome.
In the meantime I would recommend you keep reading around, look at the stickies on top of the forums - browse the other forums too. Look into some meetings for you in your area - Alanon and Naranon. You will get a lot out of face to face meetings!
As for your family (immediate) and his, you will find lots of posts about protecting, lying for and covering up for the A in your life. For me, I was covering up and all that without realizing I was doing it for an A and therefore our friends and family were so confused when "out of the blue" I wanted out of this marriage. Slowly they are all seeing what I had been covering up, since I'm not around to cover any more, but it was a real eye opener for me. That was my experience anyway.
Good luck to you, stick around, this is a great place!!!!
In the meantime I would recommend you keep reading around, look at the stickies on top of the forums - browse the other forums too. Look into some meetings for you in your area - Alanon and Naranon. You will get a lot out of face to face meetings!
As for your family (immediate) and his, you will find lots of posts about protecting, lying for and covering up for the A in your life. For me, I was covering up and all that without realizing I was doing it for an A and therefore our friends and family were so confused when "out of the blue" I wanted out of this marriage. Slowly they are all seeing what I had been covering up, since I'm not around to cover any more, but it was a real eye opener for me. That was my experience anyway.
Good luck to you, stick around, this is a great place!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome inadream. Please just keep reading and posting on this website. I'm sure that you must be in shock right now. I would recommend waiting and really assessing the situation you are in before you do anything.
I am a recovering coke/crack addict and I doubt that your husband is in that much denial that he doesn't know what coke is doing to his body. He knows. He just won't admit it because then he would have to try to stop. And if he is an addict, that is the last thing he wants. An addicts first priority is to continue using his drug no matter what. So he will lie and deny in hopes that he can continue using without any interference from you.
You can't make him quit by the way. Nothing you do can change the fact that he is going to use cocaine until his personal situation gets so bad that using costs him more than not using. It's called hitting bottom. And you never know how low someone will go because everyone's bottom is different.
I suggest that you meet with a family counselor, or attend a couple alanon or naranon meetings to deal with the stress that you are under and to learn how to make a plan as to how you want to deal with the situation.
Just remember... you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Keep the focus on what is best for you and and your children. Because your husband is too distracted by his need for cocaine to be reasonable about his addiction and the pain it is causing you and your family.
I am a recovering coke/crack addict and I doubt that your husband is in that much denial that he doesn't know what coke is doing to his body. He knows. He just won't admit it because then he would have to try to stop. And if he is an addict, that is the last thing he wants. An addicts first priority is to continue using his drug no matter what. So he will lie and deny in hopes that he can continue using without any interference from you.
You can't make him quit by the way. Nothing you do can change the fact that he is going to use cocaine until his personal situation gets so bad that using costs him more than not using. It's called hitting bottom. And you never know how low someone will go because everyone's bottom is different.
I suggest that you meet with a family counselor, or attend a couple alanon or naranon meetings to deal with the stress that you are under and to learn how to make a plan as to how you want to deal with the situation.
Just remember... you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Keep the focus on what is best for you and and your children. Because your husband is too distracted by his need for cocaine to be reasonable about his addiction and the pain it is causing you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
Sorry for the reason you're here, but this is a wonderful place with people who are going through or have been through similar situations.
I am a recovering crack addict to, as are Kitty and Anvil. I had to hit my bottom, and my family allowed me to get there, even though it was very hard on them. As Kitty said, we won't stop using until the consequences get bad enough.
As far as your teenagers...my niece was 11-12 years old when I started using crack. I lived almost 2 hours away and probably only saw her once in a year. She knew I was using crack by my appearance (lost a lot of weight) and my actions (no longer calling or visiting)...said she learned it in school. Kids know way more than we ever did at their age.
Please keep reading and posting. I left my XABF because he was/is still using. It was hard to accept that I couldn't make him quit, even though I know no one could make ME quit. It wasn't until I started following the advice of the great people here, and focused on ME and what I could do to make the best out of MY life, that I could stop focusing so much on him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sorry for the reason you're here, but this is a wonderful place with people who are going through or have been through similar situations.
I am a recovering crack addict to, as are Kitty and Anvil. I had to hit my bottom, and my family allowed me to get there, even though it was very hard on them. As Kitty said, we won't stop using until the consequences get bad enough.
As far as your teenagers...my niece was 11-12 years old when I started using crack. I lived almost 2 hours away and probably only saw her once in a year. She knew I was using crack by my appearance (lost a lot of weight) and my actions (no longer calling or visiting)...said she learned it in school. Kids know way more than we ever did at their age.
Please keep reading and posting. I left my XABF because he was/is still using. It was hard to accept that I couldn't make him quit, even though I know no one could make ME quit. It wasn't until I started following the advice of the great people here, and focused on ME and what I could do to make the best out of MY life, that I could stop focusing so much on him.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
I am so sorry for you and your family....
you are on a difficult journey but at least the journey now can move in a positive direction for YOU and your children....
there is not much you can do to help your husband.....that is up to him
but you need to take steps to protect yourself emotionally and financially....
this disease usually gets worse before it gets better....
chances are your husband is more involved than you realize and finances might be in a mess already...you can't control him but you can take control of that part of your life together....
as far as "telling" others?.....if it helps you then tell
if you are part of a doctors visit or conference say exactly what you observe and let the doctor draw the proper conclusion
if you can get some family counseling etc then be very honest....explain what you observe....most professionals will quickly recognize the signs...most likely your husband isn't "fooling" too many people
please try to get to some meetings(alanon) ....face to face support from people who have been there/done that can be so helpful to restoring your own sanity...
(((prayers)))
you are on a difficult journey but at least the journey now can move in a positive direction for YOU and your children....
there is not much you can do to help your husband.....that is up to him
but you need to take steps to protect yourself emotionally and financially....
this disease usually gets worse before it gets better....
chances are your husband is more involved than you realize and finances might be in a mess already...you can't control him but you can take control of that part of your life together....
as far as "telling" others?.....if it helps you then tell
if you are part of a doctors visit or conference say exactly what you observe and let the doctor draw the proper conclusion
if you can get some family counseling etc then be very honest....explain what you observe....most professionals will quickly recognize the signs...most likely your husband isn't "fooling" too many people
please try to get to some meetings(alanon) ....face to face support from people who have been there/done that can be so helpful to restoring your own sanity...
(((prayers)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Coquitlam, BC
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your wisdom and encouragment. I spoke to him last night, i'm pretty sure the last time he used was two nights before that, so i thought his mind might be more receptive. He seems to think he can 'just not use' and that will be that. I tried to explain to him that this crap has a stronger hold on himthen he thinks, and that most of the things he's been feeling are because of it. The very bad leg pains (to the point he will use a cane), the nose bleeds, the upset stomache, not to mention the things he thinks and does when he uses. He is extremly paranoid, thinking i'm (or the kids) are messing around with his computer, he takes pictures of me when i'm sleeping, and then shows them to me saying he sees someone in bed with me. There was a time he heard voices, they didn't talk to him, but he would hear his parents talking in our back yard in the middle of the night, and things like that. Anyway, his biggest concern seems to be what he will experience, physically, mentally now that he has decided not to use. I want to give him the benifit of the doubt, but i know in my heart, and with the things i've read, it seems pretty unlikly that he can do this on his own. I told him i was making an appointment to talk with our pastor, and that he was welcome to come. He said he can't face that, but agreed i needed someone to talk to. I hate this, all of this. The timing couldn't be worse, our middle daughter has her 16th bithday this month, our oldest graduates from highschool in May, and a month ago we began looking into selling our house to purchase a bigger one. Some parts of me just want to get through all the other things first, then deal with this, but i think that's the avoidance issue i seem to do best, rearing it's ugly head. I have a hard time getting the time to come on line, so i will if/when i can. Thank you again for your help
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Inadream)))
I just want to warn you....he can be very dangerous when he gets paranoid. They are absolutely convinced that what they are seeing and/or hearing is a fact, and there is no reasoning with him. Please keep you and the kids safe...in fact, if he does that again, I would get you all out of the house. I may sound like I'm overreacting, but I've seen people seriously hurt by someone who was paranoid.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I just want to warn you....he can be very dangerous when he gets paranoid. They are absolutely convinced that what they are seeing and/or hearing is a fact, and there is no reasoning with him. Please keep you and the kids safe...in fact, if he does that again, I would get you all out of the house. I may sound like I'm overreacting, but I've seen people seriously hurt by someone who was paranoid.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I want to echo what Amy said about the paranoia. She's not overeacting. He really believes what he is seeing and it's a very scarey experience. If he thinks he sees you in bed with someone, the next step may be to lash out at you in a jealous rage, or attack the invisible man he sees there. He is clinically insane when he is high. You are not safe - even if he loves you. Don't think he won't hurt you. The paranoia is very real and very frightening. You can't reason with him.
I'm glad you confronted him. That's a good first step. Now it's time to follow through - set boundaries and follow through. Do what you say you are going to do (ie... talk to your pastor).
It's never a good time to deal with crack addicton, but it won't get better if you wait. It will get progressively worse.
You have friends here. :-) Keep posting and reading.
I'm glad you confronted him. That's a good first step. Now it's time to follow through - set boundaries and follow through. Do what you say you are going to do (ie... talk to your pastor).
The timing couldn't be worse
It's never a good time to deal with crack addicton, but it won't get better if you wait. It will get progressively worse.
You have friends here. :-) Keep posting and reading.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
No one is trying to frighten you but I too was very worried reading that he takes pics of you while you sleep thinking someone else is in the bed....
That is a very dangerous situation....
he is not in control of his mind or his behavior....
please be very careful .....
(((prayers)))
That is a very dangerous situation....
he is not in control of his mind or his behavior....
please be very careful .....
(((prayers)))
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