how to let go?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: upstate ny
Posts: 5
how to let go?
Hi Everyone,
I am new here, but am deeply entrenched in another's addictive behaviors. I met my boyfriend a year ago and realized shortly thereafter that he is an alcoholic. I think I didn't want to believe it, especially because both of my parents are/were alcoholic (mom living, dad deceased). I have been very involved in my parents' issues and for long stretches was a "mother" to each of them in terms of taking charge of their lives. I am on a "break" from said boyfriend. It's been 6 weeks since I've seen him. I had gotten tired of working the program for him while neglecting all of my needs. He disagrees with me, but he relies on me more like a therapist or mom than a partner. I've read quite a few books on these issues, but I can't seem to let go and not speak to him on the phone or via text/email for more than a day. I keep telling myself that we can't have a healthy relationship until he really commits to his own recovery and that I can't do it for him. He has been going to AA a few times a week for the past 5 months and during that time had one relapse but quickly got back on the wagon. However, he shows many signs of being what I understand as a "dry drunk." He repeatedly lies to me (usually about trivial things but nonetheless shakes my trust), still occasionally associates with some of his drinking buddy friends from his past, calls me and tells me how much he misses me, that he can be good for me, etc. He hasn't gotten a sponsor or really talked much at meetings. I've given him the big book and some other reading materials, but he hasn't made any of this a priority. Even writing this I feel disgusted with myself for still even being in touch with him (I'd like to think I'm not that pathetic), but I can't seem to let go. Although I think it's totally crazy, a big part of me still wants it to work out. Any advice? Thanks for your time!
:codiepolice
I am new here, but am deeply entrenched in another's addictive behaviors. I met my boyfriend a year ago and realized shortly thereafter that he is an alcoholic. I think I didn't want to believe it, especially because both of my parents are/were alcoholic (mom living, dad deceased). I have been very involved in my parents' issues and for long stretches was a "mother" to each of them in terms of taking charge of their lives. I am on a "break" from said boyfriend. It's been 6 weeks since I've seen him. I had gotten tired of working the program for him while neglecting all of my needs. He disagrees with me, but he relies on me more like a therapist or mom than a partner. I've read quite a few books on these issues, but I can't seem to let go and not speak to him on the phone or via text/email for more than a day. I keep telling myself that we can't have a healthy relationship until he really commits to his own recovery and that I can't do it for him. He has been going to AA a few times a week for the past 5 months and during that time had one relapse but quickly got back on the wagon. However, he shows many signs of being what I understand as a "dry drunk." He repeatedly lies to me (usually about trivial things but nonetheless shakes my trust), still occasionally associates with some of his drinking buddy friends from his past, calls me and tells me how much he misses me, that he can be good for me, etc. He hasn't gotten a sponsor or really talked much at meetings. I've given him the big book and some other reading materials, but he hasn't made any of this a priority. Even writing this I feel disgusted with myself for still even being in touch with him (I'd like to think I'm not that pathetic), but I can't seem to let go. Although I think it's totally crazy, a big part of me still wants it to work out. Any advice? Thanks for your time!
:codiepolice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: upstate ny
Posts: 5
Another thing is that I feel sorry for him because he really doesn't have any sober friends and making this change has meant really turning his life inside out. Yet, he could be trying to meet people at meetings and he's not.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
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Originally Posted by little6 
Hi Everyone,
I am new here, but am deeply entrenched in another's addictive behaviors. I met my boyfriend a year ago and realized shortly thereafter that he is an alcoholic. I think I didn't want to believe it, especially because both of my parents are/were alcoholic (mom living, dad deceased). I am on a "break" from said boyfriend. It's been 6 weeks since I've seen him. Any advice? Thanks for your time!
:codiepolice
I am new here, but am deeply entrenched in another's addictive behaviors. I met my boyfriend a year ago and realized shortly thereafter that he is an alcoholic. I think I didn't want to believe it, especially because both of my parents are/were alcoholic (mom living, dad deceased). I am on a "break" from said boyfriend. It's been 6 weeks since I've seen him. Any advice? Thanks for your time!
:codiepolice
You put the word "break" in there, for me, I intend my break to be permanent. I don't need to have a practicing addict in my life, hard enough having to deal with a recovering addict on a daily basis. Hang in there, it gets better!
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us! 
Sorry that you are going through all of this but I do believe that you could not have said it better yourself:
The break is good but keeping the communication open is IMHO not a very healthy break! Focus on you on this break-not him
And focusing on yourself instead of him would be a great start!
Al-Anon and counseling and of course SR helped me to place the focus on me and not everyone around me. I cannot change someone, only myself-
As for worrying about him not having sober friends-if he sticks to his recovery I'm sure he can make some new ones if the others cannot accept him for not drinking!
Sorry that you are going through all of this but I do believe that you could not have said it better yourself:
I keep telling myself that we can't have a healthy relationship until he really commits to his own recovery and that I can't do it for him.
And focusing on yourself instead of him would be a great start!
Al-Anon and counseling and of course SR helped me to place the focus on me and not everyone around me. I cannot change someone, only myself-
As for worrying about him not having sober friends-if he sticks to his recovery I'm sure he can make some new ones if the others cannot accept him for not drinking!
Last edited by Rella927; 04-02-2008 at 11:29 AM.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 126
The break is an excellent step, but I fully understand that you miss him and want to work it out. I miss people that are bad for me too. I'm actively working to change that.
If he's not actively working on it or willing to change, then going back is just going to get you hurt again
If he's not actively working on it or willing to change, then going back is just going to get you hurt again
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hey Little6:
I could insert my name where yours is and my xabf's name where your bf's name would be. After he told me about his alcoholism I stayed for 7 months "waiting" for him to decide to fully commit to being sober only to learn he lied and manipulated me until he pushed me over the edge. I could take no more of focusing on someone else's problem. Only you know when that will be. I started by cutting off phone contact in January. It helps to get distance for yourself and take stock in what it would look like still in.
You're not pathetic. We all have our reasons for staying, but until HE decides he wants to get sober he won't. Don't let yourself be dragged down by him!
I could insert my name where yours is and my xabf's name where your bf's name would be. After he told me about his alcoholism I stayed for 7 months "waiting" for him to decide to fully commit to being sober only to learn he lied and manipulated me until he pushed me over the edge. I could take no more of focusing on someone else's problem. Only you know when that will be. I started by cutting off phone contact in January. It helps to get distance for yourself and take stock in what it would look like still in.
You're not pathetic. We all have our reasons for staying, but until HE decides he wants to get sober he won't. Don't let yourself be dragged down by him!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
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Hi and welcome!
No contact, Al-Anon, therapy and this site helped me work out MY problems and why i was attracted to my exabf in the first place. I NEVER want to be in that situation ever again....i'm healthier than that (now). You are too!
Read the stickies at the tops of the pages, very helpful.
No contact, Al-Anon, therapy and this site helped me work out MY problems and why i was attracted to my exabf in the first place. I NEVER want to be in that situation ever again....i'm healthier than that (now). You are too!
Read the stickies at the tops of the pages, very helpful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: upstate ny
Posts: 5
Thank you all for your insights. It's really helpful and a reality check. To those who sent me private messages-thanks, but I guess I can't pm anyone until I have 5 posts. So, I'll be in touch when I have 5 posts. Thanks for making me feel welcome. The support really helps. I think I'll be hanging out here.
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