Having problems letting go and wanted opinion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Virginia , US
Posts: 98
Having problems letting go and wanted opinion
Well I havent posted in a while been kinda working on my self and the way I deal with things etc. Also kinda been avoiding posting , I feel like I need to get some things out there instead of keeping them penned up inside today.
I wrote my feelings down and gave them to my abf , I also put in there that he had until June 27 , 3months to either quit on his own or seek treatment. I told him I could not live with somome who is addicted ... Of course I think he is still in denial and he his hiding it better. The more I let go the more I see him let his guard dowm and the pattern return. He thinks this is all about him doing things I want him to do , like helping out around the house and with the baby ect. I told him its more then that . If he gets clean , I told him his brain hopfully will recover and things should go back to what they should be , like him doing things and acting like an adult with out me guilting him or as he calls it badgering him and b******* at him.
Im slowly letting go of worrying about him , Im learning to take care of me and what I want. I cant beleive I let this and what I mean by this is let him manupilate me and me do without because I thought that maybe if he would see me do with out for us and the releationship he would love me more for it. Boy is my brain sqewed (sp) . To be honest it wouldnt hurt my feeling any if he would just leave. I cant trust him with the baby. And you know what some of this I really think he does on purpose. I asked him to get up (this is the second time ever and she is almost 6 months old) to get up on sunday and watch her so I could sleep in for once. He always gets to sleep in. After he threw a fit about it... Well he gets up about 5 in the mornign goes and wakes her up , her bed is right next to mine I can reach in to her bed from wear I sleep , this of course wakes me up and Im like , ok whatever.I ask him about this later in the day and he siad she was kicking in her bed, I told him dont touch her unless she is cyring . So Im laying there half alseep she started to cry because shes hungray then I realize, wait a minute theres no clean bottles, I dont hear the water run or anything . so I get up he has given her a dirty bottle from the night before. At first it didnt regester. He was like she wont drink her bottle. So I take the bottle and take her , thats when I notice the milk ring in the bottle. I asked him did you wash this out, I already know the answer to this but wanted to see what he said. He said I rinsed it out with soap and water. He didnt use the bottle brush he says when questioned about it... Then I open up the bottle and smell the milk. Gross, Good thing she refused that bottle. I went and washed it out and didnt have a problem giving it to her. Of course we got into a fight . Then last night she wakes up about 2 am which is rare for her. Is it to much to ask that he take some responsiblity to get up and help out at least. He gets to sleep in every morning.I have to get up at 5 am, I work full time. So we get into it and his excuse is why shoudl I get up when your just going to b**** at me and tell me Im doing it wrong. I told him that giving her a dirty bottle , he deserved to get b**** at. When he wants to help he does a great job but if he dosnt want to deal with her he half a** so that I will do it for him. I told him that, what was the piont of him even being in a relationship and being a father if he wasnt goign to contribute. I told him if he isnt going to help then why should he be living with me. So one thing I have learned is not to count in him for anything. The more I get my hopes up the more Im let down.
I just dont get this. Im getting to the piont where I dont care anymore I want him to leave so I can move on and not have a fight everyday or feel bad, sorry for myself and depressed. Im not getting anything out of this relationship but bull crap and Im tired of it. Only problem is his/my name is on the property . Im paying for it thow. Not sure what to do anymore. Feeling hopeless and alone. I guess Im still stuck in the pity party and having problems getting past that. Im having problems coming to terms with he may not ever change and that I have wasted so much of my life. I keep trying to focus on my self but I always seem to get mad at him and fly off the handle or make things worse. I just feel so trapped right now.
I think Im going to and have been trying to cut him out completly from everythign . I even stopped doing his laundry. Is this the right approach or am I just being vendictive?
I wrote my feelings down and gave them to my abf , I also put in there that he had until June 27 , 3months to either quit on his own or seek treatment. I told him I could not live with somome who is addicted ... Of course I think he is still in denial and he his hiding it better. The more I let go the more I see him let his guard dowm and the pattern return. He thinks this is all about him doing things I want him to do , like helping out around the house and with the baby ect. I told him its more then that . If he gets clean , I told him his brain hopfully will recover and things should go back to what they should be , like him doing things and acting like an adult with out me guilting him or as he calls it badgering him and b******* at him.
Im slowly letting go of worrying about him , Im learning to take care of me and what I want. I cant beleive I let this and what I mean by this is let him manupilate me and me do without because I thought that maybe if he would see me do with out for us and the releationship he would love me more for it. Boy is my brain sqewed (sp) . To be honest it wouldnt hurt my feeling any if he would just leave. I cant trust him with the baby. And you know what some of this I really think he does on purpose. I asked him to get up (this is the second time ever and she is almost 6 months old) to get up on sunday and watch her so I could sleep in for once. He always gets to sleep in. After he threw a fit about it... Well he gets up about 5 in the mornign goes and wakes her up , her bed is right next to mine I can reach in to her bed from wear I sleep , this of course wakes me up and Im like , ok whatever.I ask him about this later in the day and he siad she was kicking in her bed, I told him dont touch her unless she is cyring . So Im laying there half alseep she started to cry because shes hungray then I realize, wait a minute theres no clean bottles, I dont hear the water run or anything . so I get up he has given her a dirty bottle from the night before. At first it didnt regester. He was like she wont drink her bottle. So I take the bottle and take her , thats when I notice the milk ring in the bottle. I asked him did you wash this out, I already know the answer to this but wanted to see what he said. He said I rinsed it out with soap and water. He didnt use the bottle brush he says when questioned about it... Then I open up the bottle and smell the milk. Gross, Good thing she refused that bottle. I went and washed it out and didnt have a problem giving it to her. Of course we got into a fight . Then last night she wakes up about 2 am which is rare for her. Is it to much to ask that he take some responsiblity to get up and help out at least. He gets to sleep in every morning.I have to get up at 5 am, I work full time. So we get into it and his excuse is why shoudl I get up when your just going to b**** at me and tell me Im doing it wrong. I told him that giving her a dirty bottle , he deserved to get b**** at. When he wants to help he does a great job but if he dosnt want to deal with her he half a** so that I will do it for him. I told him that, what was the piont of him even being in a relationship and being a father if he wasnt goign to contribute. I told him if he isnt going to help then why should he be living with me. So one thing I have learned is not to count in him for anything. The more I get my hopes up the more Im let down.
I just dont get this. Im getting to the piont where I dont care anymore I want him to leave so I can move on and not have a fight everyday or feel bad, sorry for myself and depressed. Im not getting anything out of this relationship but bull crap and Im tired of it. Only problem is his/my name is on the property . Im paying for it thow. Not sure what to do anymore. Feeling hopeless and alone. I guess Im still stuck in the pity party and having problems getting past that. Im having problems coming to terms with he may not ever change and that I have wasted so much of my life. I keep trying to focus on my self but I always seem to get mad at him and fly off the handle or make things worse. I just feel so trapped right now.
I think Im going to and have been trying to cut him out completly from everythign . I even stopped doing his laundry. Is this the right approach or am I just being vendictive?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: canada
Posts: 38
Wow, where to begin. I guess with honesty!
Your on the right path, by putting the worry of him aside and focusing on you and your baby! You need to take a hard look at your life and where you will see your relationship in 5 yrs? What is he contributing to the relationship? I know leaving a nd beginning without out them is a very scary feeling, but when the pain of staying out ways the pain of living with them you will know!
Don't for a moment think because your child is so young, no damage will be done.I'm not trying to be harsh as I've been in your shoes, longer then I ever should have. It was when I looked in to my baby girls eyes and felt horrible pain that I was teaching her that this was "ok" "normal". Never would I want her to live through this.
It was then I realized "I" was the only person I had control over, I was the only one I could take care of. For me and my children I had to take a stand!! You cannot control him, cannot cure him. Take care of you and your baby girl!!
It is a scary road to head down on your own with a child, but the road of active addiction is a much much scarier place.
Hugs and take care!!!
Your on the right path, by putting the worry of him aside and focusing on you and your baby! You need to take a hard look at your life and where you will see your relationship in 5 yrs? What is he contributing to the relationship? I know leaving a nd beginning without out them is a very scary feeling, but when the pain of staying out ways the pain of living with them you will know!
Don't for a moment think because your child is so young, no damage will be done.I'm not trying to be harsh as I've been in your shoes, longer then I ever should have. It was when I looked in to my baby girls eyes and felt horrible pain that I was teaching her that this was "ok" "normal". Never would I want her to live through this.
It was then I realized "I" was the only person I had control over, I was the only one I could take care of. For me and my children I had to take a stand!! You cannot control him, cannot cure him. Take care of you and your baby girl!!
It is a scary road to head down on your own with a child, but the road of active addiction is a much much scarier place.
Hugs and take care!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Vendictive?? I think it’s more your hurt and fear and frustration coming out.
Your not his mother, he’s not 5 let him do his own laundry and everything else for himself like a grown man should!!!!!
It’s great you are putting the focus on you and your baby. And take that focus further and explore your codependency issues.
I feel that you are setting yourself up for just more of the same in these next three months. It’s like why postpone and endure this for another 3 months. Exploring your own codependency may help you realize that.
Your not his mother, he’s not 5 let him do his own laundry and everything else for himself like a grown man should!!!!!
It’s great you are putting the focus on you and your baby. And take that focus further and explore your codependency issues.
I feel that you are setting yourself up for just more of the same in these next three months. It’s like why postpone and endure this for another 3 months. Exploring your own codependency may help you realize that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Virginia , US
Posts: 98
Well when I think about the relatioship and what it will be like in 5 years , I mean look at the last five years its just gotten worse. Of course its had its ups and downs. I honesly dont see it changeing I think it will get worse. I do no that I do not want her growing up with this and seeing it . She is such a well adjusted child at the moment and do not want to do anything to change that. I just keep getting in this loop that if I quit making things worse , by letting out my anger on him and making situations worse ... I feel like Im to blame and if I just changed this one thing about me that it will get better. But deep down I know it wont. I have checked into meetings and I would like to go but I dont have the time built up at work to go to the meetings. Luckly there is one on weds here close to my work. Plus Im afraid to take that next plung. Im afraid I might run into somome that knows me and worry what they would think of me. I know I just got to get over this and go to a meeting I bet I would feel alot better. I have asked him to leave so many times . He wont of course. Why should I leave when I almost have this place paid off. Its not fair. I have been doing what Im supposed to , Ive been responsiable, why should I have to pay? I just do not want to give up were Im living at. I did say somthing pretty mean to him. I told him that if he kept up using that eventually it would kill him then I wouldnt have to worry about his stupid a** no more. I know this was juvinile but I just lash out because I want the person who is hurting me to hurt just as bad. You know I think the addiction has dragged him down so much that those words dont mean anythign to him no more. I pray somtimes that I will meet a nice guy or somome that I can talk to and who will listen to me so that I dont feel so alone. I would like to have some companinship ... I guess that would problaby just add to the mess. Mabey Im looking for a quick fix...........
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: canada
Posts: 38
I swear it is like you have cut and pasted my life here!!
I have been there, not wanting anyone to know my "secret life", how could anyone understand, what would they think of me or him? The thing with drugs is they cannot hide it forever, it will surface. Don't guilt yourself for feelings, they are normal. I remember once thinking, "if he just died all of this madness would end" I felt sick to my stomach to even know I could go to such a place. I have learned to let go, it's been a long road and I'm still working on it.
Even if you do not go to meetings, you need to find online narnon info, not for him but info for you. All about your own recovery, your own steps. You are co-dependent. You really should read it, it's very eye opening!!This isn't about them now, it's your recovery, the only thing you do have control over!!!
Please take care!
I have been there, not wanting anyone to know my "secret life", how could anyone understand, what would they think of me or him? The thing with drugs is they cannot hide it forever, it will surface. Don't guilt yourself for feelings, they are normal. I remember once thinking, "if he just died all of this madness would end" I felt sick to my stomach to even know I could go to such a place. I have learned to let go, it's been a long road and I'm still working on it.
Even if you do not go to meetings, you need to find online narnon info, not for him but info for you. All about your own recovery, your own steps. You are co-dependent. You really should read it, it's very eye opening!!This isn't about them now, it's your recovery, the only thing you do have control over!!!
Please take care!
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