Heartless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Heartless
My AH relapsed yesterday. He locked himself in the bathroom all evening and was too wasted to go to work this morning. His DOC is meth and he does some creepy things when he is on it. His behavior really hurt me and he saw that I was hurt. According to him, by being upset/depressed about his addiction and what it's doing to our marriage, I am being selfish and heartless. I should be loving and supportive ALL the time, even when he treats me like crap. I refused to talk to him this morning because I did not want to get too emotional before going to work. He said that I was not there when he needed me and now I am the heartless wife. I feel like going outside and taking a walk (it's almost midnight) just to get away from here. Thank God for this forum.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Sara)))
He is an addict, and is going to blame you for "making him use". As a recovering addict, I can say that no one has ever made me use, or made me get clean. Sure, I used the daily stresses of life to justify using....but the plain and simple fact, is that I wanted to use.
You didn't cause it, can't cure him, and can't change him (3 c's).
The best thing you can do is take care of you. He is going to do whatever he's going to do. However, the longer you let him get away with treating you like crap, the more he is going to do it. You don't deserve to be treated badly, or dragged down in his addiction.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
He is an addict, and is going to blame you for "making him use". As a recovering addict, I can say that no one has ever made me use, or made me get clean. Sure, I used the daily stresses of life to justify using....but the plain and simple fact, is that I wanted to use.
You didn't cause it, can't cure him, and can't change him (3 c's).
The best thing you can do is take care of you. He is going to do whatever he's going to do. However, the longer you let him get away with treating you like crap, the more he is going to do it. You don't deserve to be treated badly, or dragged down in his addiction.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R i do not think i have met you. i am sorry about your husband but this is no way your fault. an addict is about blame & if you were not there he would blame someone else. you did not CAUSE it,you can not CONTROL it, & you can not CURE it.
keep coming back,there is alot of support here. prayers,
keep coming back,there is alot of support here. prayers,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Deflecting the blame typical of an addict. The addiction only progresses. Look after yourself and your own sanity. Until he is ready to get help nothing will change. The way he treats you will continue, then he will be sorry, then it will start all over again. No one deserves to be treated like that. A loving wife does not support there spouses drug addiction. I would say he is being selfish and heartless. Do you have NA meetings in your area? keep coming back to this site you are in the right place. (((( hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
An addict never thinks it is his fault or problem. It is always someone or something else... using is not a problem. It's always, "so what I did a little "DOC"! It's not a big deal. And then comes the, " I can stop anytime, I don't need help I don't have a problem, If my life wasn't so crazy I wouldn't use, If you were more.... I wouldn't use, Give me one more chance...... I could go on and on.....
Bottom Line... take care of you. Dump the guilt and please try to discover how important you are. You don't deserve to live like that and you didn't cause any of his issues. My prayers for him to find the truth, but mostly my prayers and support to you. Keep coming back here, reach out and please move forward.
Bottom Line... take care of you. Dump the guilt and please try to discover how important you are. You don't deserve to live like that and you didn't cause any of his issues. My prayers for him to find the truth, but mostly my prayers and support to you. Keep coming back here, reach out and please move forward.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by Sara21
He said that I was not there when he needed me and now I am the heartless wife
Being there for an addict in my opinion usually means financing their next binge. Take care of you sweetie.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
There are times when I read how heartless and unsupportive we spouses/partners/parents are and it catches me by surprise, how all these "strangers" have somehow gone to the same school and learned the same language. I'm not surprised as often these days, but once in a while, like this morning, it sort of hits in the gut that someone can say something like that.
Take care of you. It's the only thing you can do. Depending on your neighborhood, maybe walking at midnight isn't such a bad idea (with a cell phone and panic whistle of course if it's a good neighborhood!).
(((hugs)))
Take care of you. It's the only thing you can do. Depending on your neighborhood, maybe walking at midnight isn't such a bad idea (with a cell phone and panic whistle of course if it's a good neighborhood!).
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
His behavior in active addiction is always going to hurt you. If you chose to stay with him you need to become thick skinned, detached from his actions and words so he won’t continue to hurt you.
Addiction is progressive so his creepy behavior will become worse and his behavior of being hurtful towards you will also become worse. And if you chose to stay you need to better prepare yourself from his hurtful words and actions.
For me I never wanted to just exist alone in an environment where growing thick skin and detaching emotionally from someone in order to stay/survive in a relationship was my only choice. I chose the other choice I had, the front door!
Addiction is progressive so his creepy behavior will become worse and his behavior of being hurtful towards you will also become worse. And if you chose to stay you need to better prepare yourself from his hurtful words and actions.
For me I never wanted to just exist alone in an environment where growing thick skin and detaching emotionally from someone in order to stay/survive in a relationship was my only choice. I chose the other choice I had, the front door!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Sara, you can't have a reasonable conversation with a man who has been using meth in the bathroom all night long. He'll look for anyone to blame but himself. If it was me, I'd tell him to shut the H-ll up and get out or I'm going to call the cops. But that's just me. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and don't mind him. He's high. Or he's coming down. He has no right to acuse you of anything!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
You are in a no win situation....
no matter what you did or did not do it was going to be the wrong thing (in his mind) because he needs someone to blame...
please be careful ...
someone locked in a bathroom all night doing drugs can be very dangerous
(((prayers)))
no matter what you did or did not do it was going to be the wrong thing (in his mind) because he needs someone to blame...
please be careful ...
someone locked in a bathroom all night doing drugs can be very dangerous
(((prayers)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Thank you all for your kind words and support. I know that the addict is different from the actual person I love, but sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. We are going to get counseling and he does recognize that he has a problem, but I don't think he realizes how deeply it's hurting me and our marriage. Thanks again for all your help and support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
That says it all
Originally Posted by itisatruth 
The three "C"s are so powerful. He chose to get high and he is the only one who can commit to making himself better. I hope you know that you did nothing wrong, and that you take care of yourself.
For me this morning, that says it all. A reminder that I didn't do this to my AH. I didn't cause him to choose to use. Why is it so hard to remember that I am not crazy that addiction is a problem. He believes he doesn't have a problem and that I just don't like it... guess it doesn't matter, cuz I can choose what I like or dislike and react how I choose, but it messes up my mind.
When does the manipulation become powerless? When do lies simply become lies and not something that tangle up my brain and confuse me?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
So sorry about the relapse. I imagine he feels he has to blame someone because it means he might feel less guilty about using?
I struggle with trying to be supportive as well, but there are times when I have to remind him that I didn't ask to be put in this position. I didn't ask to have my love/trust and relationship put through the ringer like that.
I struggle with trying to be supportive as well, but there are times when I have to remind him that I didn't ask to be put in this position. I didn't ask to have my love/trust and relationship put through the ringer like that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
If my car had a transmission problem and I took it too a body shop, had work done, brought it home looking shinny and new, it would make me feel great. But I would still have a transmission problem!!!!!
Don’t let marriage counseling mask the specific type of help your addict needs.
Don’t let marriage counseling mask the specific type of help your addict needs.
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