My Form for Reality
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
My Form for Reality
I'm doing pretty good since last I wrote. So far I haven't had to be mean, but I have been confused - so we know what that means! Lots of round the world double-talk.
I made a "form" for him to fill in. I'm bringing it home tonight, along with my preapproval letter from my lender. He says he's been very clear about what he's offering ($ house buy-out), but his version of clear and mine are apparently 2 different things. I have made a form with blanks - offer amount, amount to paid off of X number of mos., etc. Also clearly on there says no final agreement until preapproval letter provided from lender. This is not to say I accept the terms or what he's offering, I just want to know what he is actually offering. Yes, he can do this, but we are not moving forward so this is for me now. He is so upset that I won't tell him if I accept what he's offered, etc. He wants his answer NOW! I haven't budged about rushing in or anything, but I do feel bad for him in a way (not in a codie way), he cannot seem to just do this right and to me seems almost frightened. He wants what he wants, and he wants it now, and he says he can't do this anymore and yet he won't provide information that will let me know just what it is we're dealing with.
Has anyone else experienced so much confusion trying to get "real" information from a soon to be ex to settle things up in the "real" world? My lender just can't understand why we don't go to a mediator - I can't get him to one, yet. Next step I will make the appt. and all that, but I have no idea if he'll show. Not my problem, but we have to get this settled and I'm hoping he starts cooperating, and it's not that he's not exactly cooperating, he just is being very immature? Is that the word?
Anyhow, I'm trying to stay out of the confusion - I've got my cookies and ducks in a row - paperwork filled out, credit checked, preapprovals, savings locked, etc. That's all I can do.
Before anyone asks the obvious - no he doesn't have an atty. I don't know why. He keeps threatening or promising (take your pick) and I keep telling him he should. Not sure what that's about either.
I made a "form" for him to fill in. I'm bringing it home tonight, along with my preapproval letter from my lender. He says he's been very clear about what he's offering ($ house buy-out), but his version of clear and mine are apparently 2 different things. I have made a form with blanks - offer amount, amount to paid off of X number of mos., etc. Also clearly on there says no final agreement until preapproval letter provided from lender. This is not to say I accept the terms or what he's offering, I just want to know what he is actually offering. Yes, he can do this, but we are not moving forward so this is for me now. He is so upset that I won't tell him if I accept what he's offered, etc. He wants his answer NOW! I haven't budged about rushing in or anything, but I do feel bad for him in a way (not in a codie way), he cannot seem to just do this right and to me seems almost frightened. He wants what he wants, and he wants it now, and he says he can't do this anymore and yet he won't provide information that will let me know just what it is we're dealing with.
Has anyone else experienced so much confusion trying to get "real" information from a soon to be ex to settle things up in the "real" world? My lender just can't understand why we don't go to a mediator - I can't get him to one, yet. Next step I will make the appt. and all that, but I have no idea if he'll show. Not my problem, but we have to get this settled and I'm hoping he starts cooperating, and it's not that he's not exactly cooperating, he just is being very immature? Is that the word?
Anyhow, I'm trying to stay out of the confusion - I've got my cookies and ducks in a row - paperwork filled out, credit checked, preapprovals, savings locked, etc. That's all I can do.
Before anyone asks the obvious - no he doesn't have an atty. I don't know why. He keeps threatening or promising (take your pick) and I keep telling him he should. Not sure what that's about either.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If his actions don't back his words, then maybe you shouldn't count on him to follow through with this. Even if he signs doesn't mean he will pay each month.
My thoughts are to let your attorney handle this and to incur a debt only as large as you can afford on your own.
No matter how good our intentions, you just can't make an addict be responsible...if they could be they would stop using.
Hugs
My thoughts are to let your attorney handle this and to incur a debt only as large as you can afford on your own.
No matter how good our intentions, you just can't make an addict be responsible...if they could be they would stop using.
Hugs
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Clear as a blond can be, that would be me 
- Absolutely right, I won't be agreeing to monthly payments. I don't know that I expect any different, I'm not surprised, but at the same time I guess I am a little - I'm just stuck at the moment - but one step at a time.
Thanks for the advice and the reminder to stick with actions.
- Absolutely right, I won't be agreeing to monthly payments. I don't know that I expect any different, I'm not surprised, but at the same time I guess I am a little - I'm just stuck at the moment - but one step at a time. Thanks for the advice and the reminder to stick with actions.
Last edited by BayAreaPhoenix; 04-01-2008 at 06:51 PM.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I DONT mean for this to turn into a discussion about religion BUT...
My ex was against the divorce 100%. He had recently found religion and believed that in God's eyes our marriage was supposed to be forever (even though it was a 2nd marriage for both of us). And I was going against the bible, against God and against my husband who was the head of the household ...Texas is a no fault state, so I got a lawyer and filed the paperwork and started going thru the necessary procedures. The typical scenario is mediation for property settlement. He had the right to NOT go or NOT agree to it, but it was going to happen anyway. My HP was right there with me the entire time.
When I finally got my ex to mediation, all he brought was his bible. No matter what the mediators asked him, all he did was pray and say God would take care of things. They finally asked him how he wanted to divvy things up and he wrote on a napkin "give her everything" and signed his name, went back to his bible.The 2 mediators (his and mine ~ both women lawyers) came into my room, sat down and sighed, laughed uncomfortably. They sort of looked at each other and said, "We don't really know what to do , we've never had this happen before." We all cracked up, and then we had to talk it through. Although it sounds like a dream situation, it really wasn't. There was some (understandable) concern about his overall mental health, and there was also concern about whether or not there was debt etc that I didn't know about that would ultimately be mine too under that "give her everything" plan. IF a judge looked at the situation and questioned his mental stability, I could have spent YEARS tangled up in legal nightmares.
It took a whole afternoon to get him to agree to take some things so it didn't come off so one-sided. He refused to eat unless he could be in the room with me... so he went hungry and the 3 of us women had a nice stress free/ drama free lunch. It was such a relief to be with strong women who saw thru his stuff and couldn't be manipulated.
Keep your eyes on the goal and put up your deflecto shield so you can bounce his stuff back onto him. It's pretty standard for them to make a scene or cause an argument about something minor so that the real stuff gets put off / delayed. Are you meeting in a neutral location? It's good to NOT do it at either domicile so you can leave if you feel the need.
I wish you luck, my friend. This can be an interesting process.
My ex was against the divorce 100%. He had recently found religion and believed that in God's eyes our marriage was supposed to be forever (even though it was a 2nd marriage for both of us). And I was going against the bible, against God and against my husband who was the head of the household ...Texas is a no fault state, so I got a lawyer and filed the paperwork and started going thru the necessary procedures. The typical scenario is mediation for property settlement. He had the right to NOT go or NOT agree to it, but it was going to happen anyway. My HP was right there with me the entire time.
When I finally got my ex to mediation, all he brought was his bible. No matter what the mediators asked him, all he did was pray and say God would take care of things. They finally asked him how he wanted to divvy things up and he wrote on a napkin "give her everything" and signed his name, went back to his bible.The 2 mediators (his and mine ~ both women lawyers) came into my room, sat down and sighed, laughed uncomfortably. They sort of looked at each other and said, "We don't really know what to do , we've never had this happen before." We all cracked up, and then we had to talk it through. Although it sounds like a dream situation, it really wasn't. There was some (understandable) concern about his overall mental health, and there was also concern about whether or not there was debt etc that I didn't know about that would ultimately be mine too under that "give her everything" plan. IF a judge looked at the situation and questioned his mental stability, I could have spent YEARS tangled up in legal nightmares.
It took a whole afternoon to get him to agree to take some things so it didn't come off so one-sided. He refused to eat unless he could be in the room with me... so he went hungry and the 3 of us women had a nice stress free/ drama free lunch. It was such a relief to be with strong women who saw thru his stuff and couldn't be manipulated.
Keep your eyes on the goal and put up your deflecto shield so you can bounce his stuff back onto him. It's pretty standard for them to make a scene or cause an argument about something minor so that the real stuff gets put off / delayed. Are you meeting in a neutral location? It's good to NOT do it at either domicile so you can leave if you feel the need.
I wish you luck, my friend. This can be an interesting process.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Cats - OMG, first of all. I'm in a no-fault state too. No bible thumping here, yet, but a little faith on his part to walk thru his own fear probably would not go amiss, but that's between him and his own HP.
What you said, about little things distracting from the big picture. Bullseye. He won't finish paperwork until he sees my amended disclosure docs. Well, of course it's done at the atty., etc. but this is one of those inconsequential things and it is gumming up the works. One of the (many) reasons we're stuck.
I guess this process is just bringing out more of that "thinking", and being a legal process, I just couldn't imagine, but hey - I guess it's just onwards and upwards! I'm just so glad I actually have the resources to do what I can (surprisingly to me - but a nice surprise). I have kept myself financial seperate from him all the time, and it is now working to my benefit - it's just the emotional stuff for me, but I'm detaching there too!
You guys are the best!
What you said, about little things distracting from the big picture. Bullseye. He won't finish paperwork until he sees my amended disclosure docs. Well, of course it's done at the atty., etc. but this is one of those inconsequential things and it is gumming up the works. One of the (many) reasons we're stuck.
I guess this process is just bringing out more of that "thinking", and being a legal process, I just couldn't imagine, but hey - I guess it's just onwards and upwards! I'm just so glad I actually have the resources to do what I can (surprisingly to me - but a nice surprise). I have kept myself financial seperate from him all the time, and it is now working to my benefit - it's just the emotional stuff for me, but I'm detaching there too!
You guys are the best!
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